year end

A lot of people make lists for the end of the year. I have decided to make some lists as well.

Okay, so I can’t really think of anything worth listing, but I thought it would be fun to do what everybody else was doing. I guess it’s not going to happen.

Sorry to disappoint you. Will stickers make you feel better? Remember scratch and sniff stickers? Those were cool. I wonder if you can still get them.

How did they do that? Did they ever do any studies to find out if they were toxic? They probably were. Back then it didn’t matter if we were inhaling toxic chemicals. As long as we scratched a banana and then smelled a banana!

Best Smells of 2009!

Cherry!

And that’s it. It’s a short list, but a good one!

I’m off to scratch and sniff!

Enjoy!

-DJ

full circle

I saw the coolest thing! On Christmas day, some kids were out testing their new toys and one of the kids had a tricycle. Now, this wasn’t just any trike. This bad boy had wheels in the back that rotated a full THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY DEGREES!

He could do spin-outs and swirls and kickers and any other word you want to make up that sounds cool!

When I was a kid, I had a yellow plastic car. With a smiley face on the front. It did not rotate. Granted, I thought it was cool, but where were these Three-Sixty trikes when I was a kid?!

Kids have the coolest stuff now. I want one of those tricycles. Maybe next year.

Oh yeah, and in case you’re wondering, do NOT go for a run when it is 15 degrees Fahrenheit and the wind chill makes it feel like -9. You will get very cold.

I’m off to do some swirls and kickers.

Enjoy!

-DJ

that’s not me.

I was at the store this weekend and something odd happened. I wasn’t me. I know! So strange!

I gave my little discount card to the cashier and he broke it. He has Hulk-like strength. Which makes him good for cashiering.

So I gave him my phone number so I could get all my groceries for a few pennies off. He typed in my number and wanted to confirm who I was. My name, according to their files, is Ramon. I won’t give my last name, but it certainly wasn’t my actual last name. Nor is Ramon my first name.

So is Ramon using my phone number to get fantastic deals at the store? Why would Ramon do that?

I went to get my new card and it turns out they had a very strange phone number in there that certainly was NOT mine.

Perhaps it was Ramon’s. I don’t know. I’ve never gotten a phone call asking for Ramon.

Maybe I should call my number to see who answers. If it’s Ramon, we’re gonna have a little talk about savings cards. I hope I don’t make him cry. I can use strong words at times.

I’m off to save money at the store.

Enjoy!

-DJ

scattered

I have felt a little scattered this week. I'm officially on vacation after today, so maybe I'm in vacation mode already. But, I've had a lot of work to do, so my thoughts have been a little crazy.

Yesterday my underwear was on inside-out. Not backwards, thank goodness, just inside-out.

And you know what else? I didn't mind. Heck, I didn't even notice until I put my pajamas on! So I guess it's not that bad!

What will I do on vacation, you ask? I haven't decided yet. Time travel might be involved, so you may find me in your history books.

I'm thinking of sneaking into a picture with Teddy Roosevelt. That would be fun. He reminds me of Santa.

Maybe I'll pick blueberries. Those are yummy.

Ostriches are cute, too. I won't pick them. I'll just say hello to some.

I'm off to check my underwear.

Enjoy!

-DJ

nutella

I have recently tried Nutella. I don't remember ever having it before. I don't know why. I just never bought it and I never had it when I was a kid.

It's pretty good. I think most people have a fond childhood memory of having chocolate sandwiches, so they are more likely to have a good feeling about Nutella. I just tried it. My fond memories are of having it yesterday.

That's all I got. I just thought I should try it. At least once. You should try it too.

Does anybody whistle? It's such a "Snow White" thing to do. Are there any young whistlers out there? I feel like whistling isn't as cool as it used to be.

Are there any cool songs with somebody whistling? Maybe some hardcore rap music? I think that would be fun.

I also think riding in the shopping cart is fun. But I don't do it. Because nobody will push me. Usually I'm sitting in a cart in the middle of the candy aisle waiting for somebody to come along and push me around.

They never do.

I'm off to get in a cart and shop for some Nutella.

Enjoy!

-DJ

width and heighth

I've been hearing this word a lot lately. I have no idea how it happened, but height has become heighth.

I'm pretty sure it is not a word. It is considered "non-standard" english. Which means it is not a word.

Now, I'm all about making up words, but for some reason heighth just sounds wrong and I don't like it.

So don't use it.

What I would like you to use is rooves. As in, "There is more than one roof." I know it's roofs, but rooves is just so much more fun to say! Heighth is not more fun to say.

Finally, don't forget to turn your lights off after you park your car. The parking lots are very busy, so when you leave your lights on, I think you are about to pull out of a spot. When, in fact, you are not even there and left your lights on to trick me into waiting for your parking spot.

That is not funny.

Okay, it would be kinda funny if I did it to you, but not when you do it to me.

I'm off to find a REAL parking spot.

Enjoy!

-DJ

watch me now

I just bought a new watch. I don't wear a watch, but I always have one. I stopped wearing a watch before it was cool to stop wearing a watch.

In the late 90s, before kids had cell phones, people wore watches. I HATED it. So, I started keeping a watch in my pocket. Then, I found a way to attach my keys to the watch. I just had to remove the wrist strap. After that, I've never gone back.

I've always gotten a Timex Expedition. Because it's water-proof up to 100 meters. Or down to, I guess. You never know when you're going to fall into a 99-meter deep puddle where somebody asks you the time. Happens to me every Thursday for some reason.

Guess what my new watch has on it. A COMPASS! How cool is that! I can tell you what direction I'm moving in! AND THE TIME!

I know what you're thinking. "I can buy a compass anywhere. That's nothing special."

Well, is the compass ATTACHED TO YOUR WATCH!? I didn't think so!

It's also good because I got lost in my puddle last Thursday. This compass will help me out a lot.

Now I'll always know where I am in space and time. Though I guess that's relative. (HA! That's right! It's a physics joke! I'm not ashamed!)

I'm off to go north.

Enjoy!

-DJ

no tomatoes

Sarah Palin is going around the country to promote her new book. It's about The Flash's rogues gallery or something. I don't know. I didn't read it yet.

She was at Costco to promote her book and buy pens when she couldn't find any tomatoes. Well, I guess she didn't care about tomatoes, but other people did!

The store took away their tomato display because people threw tomatoes at her at another book signing. I guess they figured that without tomatoes, people wouldn't want to throw stuff at her.

Now, I'm not saying you should throw stuff at her, but if you really wanted to, Costco has a LOT of other squishy food. They still have grapes. Oranges. Lettuce. Pretzels. Office furniture.

I mean, did they think that hiding the tomatoes was the safest thing to do? What if I had family coming over and I wanted to make some tomato sauce? Should I tell my family, who cannot eat spaghetti without my personal tomato sauce, that they can't have it because Sarah Palin is in town?

I guess we're going to have to go without sauce this year. Maybe Sarah Palin should explain to my cousin, Tiny Tim, why there is no sauce.

My cousin, Tiny Tim, uses crutches like the guy on TV. He also has a kitten. The kitten also has to use crutches. And loves my tomato sauce.

I guess she doesn't care if she ruins my Christmas. Oh, wait...it's still Hanukkah. I mean, I guess she doesn't care if she ruins my Hanukkah.

I'm off to serve dry spaghetti.

Enjoy!

-DJ

that's sexy

President Obama said that "Insulation is sexy stuff." That's an exact quote. And now, I want insulation. I don't even know what to do with it, but if it's sexy, I want in!

This is a great way to get people excited about insulation. He should do this for other things. So, I'm going to write a few speeches for him.

Tax time: "Taxes are tasty. Like enjoying a fresh strawberry, covered in chocolate."

Health Care Bill: "Let's think of the public option as silk sheets. That's something you'd want to slide into, isn't it?"

Afghanistan: "I don't want to jump to the decision. It's like when you're looking at kittens and puppies. You can't just take home the first cute, fuzzy puffball that comes up to you. You have to find the perfect match."

I don't know why he didn't hire me earlier. We would probably have world peace by now. I would compare it to smooth, rich chocolate.

Don't you want chocolate? Then I guess you want world peace.

Problem solved.

I'm off to install insulation.

Enjoy!

-DJ

road roof

I was driving in the rain and snow and had a great idea. I usually don't think my ideas are great, but this one is an exception.

We should build a pyramid roof over the highway. That way, we'll save the roads from getting ruined by snow and rain and asteroids. They will slide right off the roof!

Do you want some light? You can put some windows in them. Maybe put a few posters up of the latest hot musical act or something and now you have a little home away from home. That you drive under.

This would cost a lot of money, BUT think of all the money we'll save from not fixing the road all the time and not needing to plow them.

It will also give birds a safe place to stand. Maybe deer can climb up and over the roof so they don't get hit on the highway.

I can't think of one bad thing about the road roof. Unless you like looking at the sky when you drive. But you should really be paying attention to the road and not staring at a cloud that looks like a dragon because staring at the dragon won't save you from hitting a cop car in a speed trap. Trust me.

He did NOT see the dragon. He said it looked more like me getting arrested.

I keep telling him he's looking at the wrong part of the dashboard camera video. You can see the dragon. After I'm removed from the hood.

I'm off to do community service.

Enjoy!

-DJ

preview

What does it mean when a movie preview has been approved for "Appropriate Audiences"?

I looked up "appropriate" to find out.

"1. suitable or fitting for a particular purpose..."

and

"2. belonging to or peculiar to a person..."

So, are we a fitting audience? Or a suitable audience? Did the movie gods deem us suitable to see the preview? That was very nice of them to think we were appropriate.

What if it belongs to us? Doesn't that mean we have the rights to that preview and we can do whatever we want with it? I could record that preview and put it up all over the internet without getting into trouble. I am an appropriate audience member. Legally speaking.

If I am inappropriate, does that mean I'm not allowed to watch the preview? Has anybody inappropriate ever seen a preview?

I guess I've never been inappropriate, because I've never been banned from a preview.

My blog is approved for appropriate and inappropriate people. I accept everybody because I'm cool like that. Cooler than a movie preview.

I'm off to be inappropriate.

Enjoy!

-DJ

you're in

In Utah, there is a town named Logan. As great a name as that is, some strange stuff still happens there.

For example, thieves broke into the city's health offices and stole 17 wee wee samples.

I would say you're in trouble, but I'd only be saying that to be funny. And it totally makes me laugh.

Why would somebody steal that?! What could they possibly hope to gain from it? Does it have something to do with Christmas?

I don't want to talk about this anymore. It's too gross.

You know what I like? Sniffing candles. OH! So good! Like, you take the lid off of a cherry candle and take a big whiff! It's like I just ate a cherry! I LOVE IT!

That's a much better thought. I think I'll think about that thought some more.

I'm off to sniff a candle.

Enjoy!

-DJ

battle strategy

General Stanley McChrystal gave us a scary thought when he talked about the war in Afghanistan. His exact quote, "But the sober fact is that there are no silver bullets."

I'm not sure if that's scary to you, but I'm pretty freaked out! How are we going to fight werewolves?!

I'm afraid to say it, but I think we're going to have to hire some vampires to take care of this werewolf problem. Or possibly some werekangaroos. They are on our side and are totally awesome. I wish I was a werekangaroo. They also don't get hurt by silver bullets. They get hurt by golden lassos. And since Wonder Woman likes kangaroos, they're safe.

Oh wait...oh I get it! Stanley was making a joke about beer! Whew! I was all worried about nothing. No "silver bullets" so they're "sober". Ha! Good one Stanley.

Unless he isn't joking. Better stock up on your Coors Light.

I'm off to find my lunar calendar.

Enjoy!

-DJ

unitree

I saw some reindeer on display the other night and I thought to myself, "Wouldn't it be cool if the reindeer were unicorns? Or unideer? Or reinicorns?"

It would be so easy! You can make it out of a small pine tree, too! Just glue it onto the head of your reindeer display. Then throw a few lights around the horn/little tree. Light it up and you've made Christmas even more magical!

I know what you're thinking, "Wouldn't they have a single antler sticking out the top of their head if they were reinicorns?"

No. That would just look awful. I don't know why you would even think that.

Don't worry, I have an idea for Hanukkah, too. You can have a Menoricorn. Just line up nine unicorns and put a wick in the horn of each one. DONE!

I should really sell this stuff. I could make millions.

Imagine having dinosaurs and unicorns over for the holidays. It just makes the whole season better!

I'm off to light up the reinicorn.

Enjoy!

-DJ

show it off

I found out that plunging necklines are in. For men. So men can show off their chest hair and pectoral muscles. Because that's...um...hot?

Really? Didn't we learn our lessons from the 70s? If you didn't, here they are:

There is nothing sexy about men's chests in a V shape or mustaches in any shape.

It's not that I'm jealous or anything. I KNOW I can't pull that off. I can't pull off any "look" and I'm okay with that. But, there is NO man who can pull of the chest hair look AND make it look good. (I know some men who think they can, but seriously, you can't.)

Let's just keep the plunging necklines on women.

I'd rather have overalls with one side unhooked come back into fashion. Or even wearing them backwards would be better than men's chests being exposed. Kris Kross would love it.

Just think about it before you buy that shirt.

I'm off to make you jump, jump.

Enjoy!

-DJ

dino tree

Why aren't dinosaurs a regular part of Christmas? Or Hanukkah? Or any of the other winter holidays?

I think that they should be part of the festivities somehow. Maybe you can put a T-Rex on the top of the tree or something. Get a few of those big lawn displays of a brachiosaurus with a Santa cap on.

That would be awesome.

I wish I could decorate the skeletal structure of a stegosaurus instead of a tree.

OH! And Santa could have eight velociraptors! That would be hard core!

I think I'll write my senate representative.

Dear Senate,

Dinosaurs are cool.

xoxo,
Me

I'm off to work on my letter.

Enjoy!

-DJ

robot clam

Some folks at MIT have created robot clams. They did this to dig up underwater mines. These clams will also sacrifice themselves and blow up the mines so regular clams will not have to risk their own lives.

They modeled the robots after the Atlantic razor clam, which can dig really fast. They say it can dig at a whopping centimeter per second.

Wow. That's almost as fast as an elephant running through a pool of maple syrup and scarves. And not that thin maple syrup, but the good stuff from the deep Canadian woods. And really thick scarves that are hard to walk through.

I shouldn't make fun of them because they are finding water mines. I didn't even know that there was a problem with water mines, but I guess there is enough of an issue that we need to create roboclams.

The real problem is, of course, when these clams decide to stop doing what we tell them and start fighting back. Moving at a centimeter per second, we'll barely be able to slowly stroll away in fear.

They could eventually unionize and figure out a way to dig a lot of holes and trap us humans in deep pits so they could take over the world.

Hopefully we can be saved by the robotic razor clam's natural enemy, the robotic ring-billed gull. We are on good terms with the robotic ring-billed gulls. We did sign a treaty with them in 1993 stating that we would let them be gulls if they would let us be humans.

Hopefully it won't come to that, but just in case, I'm honing my ninja skills so I can fight off a robotic razor clam invasion.

I'm off to sharpen my sword.

Enjoy!

-DJ

bored?

I found this list of things to do when you're bored. I don't know who made this up, but it is some of the strangest stuff I have ever seen.

And I think I love them.

Thing #2: Fry up some marbles and make marble jewelry. Apparently, you can't eat them. My dentist told me that, so I know it's true. BUT! You can fry them and crack them to make jewelry. It does not work as well with chicken. Because the jewelry is too tasty. And it doesn't work well with rubber. Because frying them is very smelly.

Thing #4: Adopt a word. I guess this means you adopt a word. I don't know if there is paperwork to sign or if you're allowed to adopt words from Malawi, but I can't see why not. This is good for those holiday parties coming up. You can impress your friends with your newly adopted word.

Friend: "How are things?"

You: "Great! I just finished all the paperwork for the adoption process!"

Friend: "Wow! I didn't know you were adopting!"

You: "Yep. I just adopted defenestrate. I figured that nobody was really caring for that word. I mean, it's not like you hear it every day. So, I wanted to give it some love and attention."

Friend: "Ooooookay."

You: "DEFENESTRATE!"

Maybe you could adopt a third world word for somebody as a gift. For only a dollar a day, I will use that word. All the money will go to me so your word will get the care it needs.

And rice. I think words like rice.

I'm off to adopt a word.

Enjoy!

-DJ

not not

I am not going to not talk about the health care bill. Since Senator Charles Schumer has declared that "We're not going to not pass a bill," I will not make comments not referring to the senate debate not not happening soon. (And since Schumer doesn't care about split infinitives, I may or may not care either.)

I will not be talking without double negatives. Which, I'm pretty sure, is not going to be not annoying.

Actually, if I'm not telling you the truth, I may not be annoyed already.

I'm not sure if that does not make sense, but in my head, nothing already doesn't.

So, when you're not eating too much food not on thanksgiving, do not think about what's going to happen in the senate because they are not going to stop talking about the bill until after the holiday.

Basically, I'm not telling you not to enjoy thanksgiving.

Did I examine this blog to make sure all my double negatives actually negate each other? No, I did not. Now, I'm not going to say that I did not mean anything I did not say, but I'm not sure if I didn't actually say anything at all.

I'm off to be more positive.

Enjoy!

-DJ

dynamite

Would you want dynamite stored near your house? The people in Westfield don't. The latest Westfield scandal is that the town wants to store dynamite on the border of a residential area.

Adults do not want dynamite near their homes because they think it's dangerous.

And it probably is. BUT, when you were a kid, how much would you have loved to have dynamite stored near your house!

Would I have snuck into this place to steal dynamite? Probably not. But I have friends who would have done it for me.

Would I have blown up a tree or something? Absolutely.

Would it have been stupid and dangerous? Oh yeah.

Would it have been worth the trip to the emergency room? Totally.

Oh, and in case you're worried about this facility blowing up, the dynamite explodes vertically. Seriously. That's what they said to make us feel better about it being there. I guess standing next to it will prevent any major harm.

I'm off to see what happens when you blow up a pile of leaves. Vertically.

Enjoy!

-DJ

new moon

So there's a new movie out this weekend. From the Twilight series. Pre-sale tickets outsold Star Wars: Episode III.

And I'm the geek?

Let's compare. Vampires and werewolves are cool. Not the ones in Twilight, but I'll give them credit for trying.

I'd like to see Jacob fight Chewbacca. Who would win? CHEWBACCA! Chewie is one bad mutha!

I'll admit that Luke Skywalker is kind of a wuss. He toughens up, but still, Edward could probably beat him up.

Yoda, though. Not. A. Chance. I mean, seriously! Did you see Episode 2? Yoda SCHOOLS Dooku in lightsabering! Edward would look at Yoda all broody and say something lame like, "And so the lion fell in love with the lamb."

Yoda would stare him down and say, "Stake your shiny chest with a lightsaber, I will. Mmmm."

Then a couple of "vvvvvvvvmmm....vvvmmmmm...vvvvvmmmms" later, Yoda is standing over Edward. And Jacob. And any other lame people in the movie. And then Chewie and Yoda chest bump. Because that's what hardcore people do.

I'm off to make more lightsaber noises.

Enjoy!

-DJ

really? bacon again?

Do people really need everything to taste like bacon? Couldn't they have picked something yummy like cherries? Or sugar?

Mmmvelopes are envelopes that have a "bacon design" and when you lick the glue to seal the envelope, you get the taste of bacon in your mouth.

If I never wanted to use the mail again, I would buy these. Do people really like bacon THAT much?!

I did create "flavored glue" for envelopes for a science project once. I don't remember what I called them, but I put Kool-Aid onto the glue so you could taste grape when you licked it. They didn't really work. Maybe I should have made them bacon-flavored.

Perhaps I should make bacon bagels. And bacon coffee. And bacon gummy bears. Bacon is where the money is.

If money tasted like bacon, I bet more people would eat it. I wouldn't, so I would be the richest person in the world. Except, I would never carry money around because I don't want to smell like bacon. It's a Catch-22.

Don't ask me why.

I'm off to bring home the bacon.

Enjoy!

-DJ

thank you wall

I have a birthday and I have a facebook page. Since I have those two things, everybody knows it is my birthday and is posting, on my wall, some sort of happy birthday message.

I do appreciate this. Especially since I never post anything on anybody else's wall. Not because I don't like them, but because I can't mentally spend that much time on facebook. I wish I could, but I just can't.

But, what is proper etiquette for facebook birthday messages? Do I send back a thank you comment? Should I just leave the wall alone? What if I really like one wall post and I want to comment on it? Will that make the other posters jealous?

Anyway...I'm bored with facebook. I was wondering, can a taxi go to a drive-thru window? And if they do, who orders the food? Will they drive up allowing me to talk into the speaker at Wendy's? Or, do I tell the taxi driver what I want and give them the money?

I always wondered this. I also wonder if I could ski to work sometimes in the winter. I never tried, but I would like to.

I'm off to sign on and off facebook.

Enjoy!

-DJ

bwhd

I was lucky enough to have a TV in my room when I was a kid. It was great. It was pretty small. 12-inches maybe. It had a small speaker under two channel-knobs. I don't know what they're called, but one knob was VHF and the other was UHF.

This amazing TV gave me cartoons and sitcoms and spanish movies in the full spectrum of black and white. That's right, black and white.

Now, that was a long time ago, so it's time to move on, isn't it? Not to some folks in England, I guess. 30,000 people in the UK still use a black and white television! 30,000! That's a lot of people!

Color TV was invented 50 years ago! I know there are some stubborn people out there who won't get a cell phone or an email address, but seriously...holding onto your black and white television is BEYOND stubborn.

Unless they are color blind. Then I'm sorry.

If they are NOT color blind...then it's time to make the change to color! Look around your TV. What do you see? Red curtains? Maybe a blue rug? Yellow knick-knacks? Well, you have all the makings of a color TV set!

Of course those folks will never read this because they don't have a computer. Granted, nobody reads this, but them even less so because they still believe computers are powered by Uranium. Heck, they might not even know that Uranus has been discovered. If the Earth isn't the center of the universe, then they don't want to hear about it.

I'm off to watch TV in magical colors.

Enjoy!

-DJ

built for two

I was in my automobile and I saw some folks riding a bicycle. Multiple people riding one bicycle. It was a bicycle built for two.

Now, that's all fine and dandy if you're old and want to ride through a park on a sunny day with pretty piano music playing, but to make that your main form of transportation? Is that normal?

Granted, I don't know if it was their ONLY form of transportation, but it sure looked like it. The couple, in their 40's maybe, was riding the bike with some grocery bags. I guess it allows the two of them to still shop together, which is sweet, but still...who decides that a bicycle built for two is a better idea than a car?!

I guess it's a better choice than a bicycle built for one. Then one of them would have to ride on the handle bars, and that's not very comfortable on long trips. It wasn't so bad when I was 10, but my behind isn't as resilient as it used to be. Not as resilient, but still fantastic.

I'm off to ride on the handle bars. (Or, for you Messiah fans, Handel bars. HA! I just thought of that joke.)

Enjoy!

-DJ

comic books are full of nutrients

Some amazing scientists have figured out what most of us knew all along. Comic books are just as sophisticated as other forms of reading.

BAM! Take that Dan Brown! Let me put a whole bunch of words on a page with no pictures. Blah, Blah, Blah, LAME!

The research found that, and I will quote them, "if you really consider how the pictures and words work together to tell a story, you can make the case that comics are just as complex as any other kind of literature."

If you can't understand that scientific mumbo jumbo, let me explain. Comic books are awesome.

The end.

We are one step closer to my own personal utopia. Now I just have to keep funding the research that proves candy is good for you.

I'm off to (I'm sure you can guess this time) read comic books.

Enjoy!

-DJ

the shredder

Here's a lesson for ya...don't put things on paper shredders unless you want them shredded.

I know it seems simple, but it's a lesson that I, and my bag, had to learn the hard way. Some of you may know that I always have a large bag with me. Call it a man-bag, murse, purse, messenger bag...whatever...it's always with me. I like to have stuff with me all the time.

This bag has two straps that will hook onto the top flap so I can seal the bag. At least, it USED to have two straps. Now it has a strap and a stump.

I put my bag on one of those big paper shredders and it started to eat my bag. It was quite dramatic.

Shredder: GRRRRRRRRR! (eating my bag)

Me: NO!!!!! Let go of my bag your multi-toothed monstrosity!

Shredder: GRRRRRRRR!

I pulled out my (nerf) sword and stabbed the shredder until it gave up and spit out my bag.

I was kinda like a ninja. If ninjas beat up office appliances.

Which they do if the appliance is eating their ninja purse.

I'm off to unplug the shredder.

Enjoy!

-DJ

i'm so pretty

What luck! I can plug my latest play AND do a regular blog because it's all related!

I've been doing local theatre for a few years now and learned how to do my own makeup. Nothing fancy, just some foundation and powder.

Well, I needed more foundation and decided to shop for it. Alone. It took longer than I thought.

I have no idea what skin tone I am. I grabbed a few, went to a mirror and held them up next to my face. I still couldn't tell. So, not only did I look odd staring at the foundation section, but then I'm trying to match my color. In the store.

I took the two colors that looked most like my hands and brought them up to the counter to ask the lady which one matched my skin.

She told me. AFTER I explained that I wear makeup because I'm in a play.

I really don't think she believed me.

I then left proudly with my cosmetic wedges and my creamy beige foundation. Never to return again.

Now, to plug the show, and show off my makeup skills. It's in Enfield for the next three weekends. It's called "The Curious Savage" and you can get info and tickets at valleyrep.com. We'd love to see you there!

I'm off to put my face on.

Enjoy!

-DJ

stay together

The Malaysian government cares about your marriage. They are doing everything they can to keep families together. Including some helpful advice to keep the marriage fresh.

They encourage women to wear lingerie and perfume. That sounds like some decent advice, right?

They also encourage men to bathe and wear clean pajamas.

What?! What are men doing in Malaysia?! THAT'S their advice?!

I'd be a stud in Malaysia. I even change my underwear. Daily. Look out ladies.

I may even put on deodorant. Whoops...I think some of you ladies just fainted. Sorry about that, I should have told you to sit down.

I'm off to put on some clean pajamas.

Enjoy!

-DJ

taste my words

Have you ever heard of gustatory auditory synaeshesia? (Can we just call it GAS for short?) People with GAS (I promise I'm not trying to make a joke there) can taste words.

So, if you are talking to someone with GAS, then your words will make them have a particular taste in their mouth.

Supposedly this is real. Some guy in England has it and says that The Lord's Prayer tastes like bacon. And when people speak to him in German, he can taste jam. (Sounds made up, I know.)

My speaking voice tastes like honey and gummy bears. I mean, I don't know for sure, but I think it does. That's what I taste when I hear myself talk.

I bet the word unicorn tastes like cotton candy! And giraffe tastes like caramel!

But does the word cherry tastes like a cherry? Or does banana taste like banana? And do snozzberries taste like snozzberries?! Hmmm...

I'm off to listen to myself talk...mmm...honey...

Enjoy!

-DJ

seven feet

Strange things are afoot in Canada. There is a beach in Richmond, British Columbia where two men found a sneaker. Inside the sneaker, was a foot. Officials are working on finding the owner of said foot. (Don't they use the metric system there? So shouldn't that be a 30.48 centimeter?)

This is the seventh foot they have found on that beach in the last two years. WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON UP THERE?! Who goes to the beach in Canada in October?! Doesn't winter start in September there?!

I don't know if you believe in Global Warming, but if a Canadian couple can still walk on the beach and find feet at the end of October, I'd say the world is warming up too fast.

I'm off to worry about the ice caps.

Enjoy!

-DJ

bottled water

Okay, so what is the deal with this Pepsi lawsuit? I just read that Pepsi owes 1.26 million dollars to two guys who claim they invented bottled water and that Pepsi stole the idea.

So, these guys came up with an idea in 1981 for a secret new drink. Then, 15 years later, Pepsi came out with Aquafina. Which, these guys claim, used their secret formula to make millions of dollars.

What secret formula, you ask? Putting water...into a plastic bottle.

WHAT?! Putting water into a bottle is a secret formula?! Are you kidding me?!?!?! I'm pretty sure water was being put into a bottle before Aquafina came out. Why aren't these guys suing Poland Spring as well?! They were doing it before Pepsi!

I can't understand how this even made it to court. And they just decided to sue this year. How did they not notice bottled water for the past 28 years?

I…I'm just...I am so confused by this.

I'm off to drink water from the hose. I don't want to get sued.

Enjoy!

-DJ

golden goblets of chocolate

Today is National Chocolate Day. Well, one of them, at least. It is also National Chocolate Day on December 28 and December 29. Then, it's National Milk Chocolate Day on July 28. Finally! It is National Chocolate week in March.

So, you have plenty of times to celebrate chocolate! If you weren't doing it already.

Doing some research on chocolate, I found out that the Aztec Emperor Montezuma drank 50 golden goblets of hot chocolate every morning. It was thick, dyed red and flavored with chili peppers. I don't know what they used for the red dye, but with that much chocolate in his system, it probably doesn't matter.

Why am I not drinking that every morning! That sounds like the greatest breakfast ever! Heck, I would be happy with one golden goblet with coffee. THAT would be awesome! How cool would I look drinking my beverage from a golden goblet?

"Get me my golden goblet, puny underling! I require gallons of hot chocolate in my system!"

"Sire, don't you think that is a little too much chocolate in the morning?"

"Don't you think you should get me my chocolate before I throw you into the pit of lions and sharp objects?!"

"Yes, sire."

Of course, those who serve me well will be rewarded with lavish gifts. Like hugs. And maybe a bowl of oatmeal with cinnamon...mmmm...

I'm off to chug my chocolate.

Enjoy!

-DJ

sick kids

I just read a study that said 1 in 5 kids do not get enough vitamin D. I also read that 1 in 5 kids DO have the swine flu.

Anybody else see the coincidence?

That's right. Stay away from kids. You might get the flu. Or you might not get enough vitamin D. Just hanging out with kids might suck the vitamin D right out of you.

They're like vitamin D vampires. (Get it? Because you need sunlight to create vitamin D and vampires can't go out into the sun! I wasn't sure if you'd get that joke. But it is funny, isn't it?)

Who cares about vitamin D, you ask? Ducks dancing daintily to Debussy do. That is why you see them in the sun getting their vitamin D. So they can dance.

They also put their drinks on a doily. And dangle drapes to decorate dens.

Sometimes they also quack. I mean, they are ducks after all. So, what do you expect?

I'm off to dance daintily.

Enjoy!

-DJ

what does that mean

Dick Cheney talks a lot. Unfortunately, you can't always understand what he's saying.

Most recently, he said that Obama was dithering. Yes, the White House is dithering on Afghanistan. Now, when I say the phrase, "I'm dithering on Afghanistan," I'm pretty sure I'm thinking it means something that it doesn't really mean.

It turns out "dithering" is acting irresolutely or trembling with excitement. I don't really know what Cheney meant when he said "dithering," but I'm pretty sure 97% of the population has never heard that word before. I know I never have. Not even in passing.

I thought he made it up. You know, like when old people say cute things about babies. "Awww...She's so cute! Look how she crawls all wiggly, tiggly, tithery, dithery-doo!"

I swear I heard some old guy say that about a baby the other day. Even though I just said I never heard the word dither before. I meant that I never heard it before the old guy the other day.

I don't really care what your opinion is on Afghanistan, but if you're going to argue for your side, please use real words.

Or not. It might be funnier if you don't. I can dither that.

I'm off to dither all by myself.

Enjoy!

-DJ

choices

A friend of mine got a coupon. I guess there is a store that will "reward" you for shopping with them. If you scan the card, they'll give you points and stuff. Finally, after you get some points, you can get a coupon.

But not just ANY coupon! A coupon good for one of two things! That's right, you get to CHOOSE what you want!

Her choice? A disposable toothbrush or chocolate. Seriously. That's what they give you.

WHAT?! That's not a choice! That's a desperate plea to get rid of disposable toothbrushers!

I think next month the coupon will be for a free punch in the gut or a pillow. Maybe after that they'll give you the choice of nail clippers or your very own cloud that you can ride around the world! How about the option of window cleaner or a suit made of cotton balls?!

Actually, my windows are kinda dirty, so that might be a tough one.

I'm off to brush my disposable teeth.

Enjoy!

-DJ

big oops

Have you ever caused a spill in a store? I did this weekend. Shower cleaner. Which, to me, is just fine because the floor is made from tile, so I did kinda just clean their floors.

Your welcome.

I felt sorry for the poor kid who had to clean up my mess. I would have done it, but it turns out that's not allowed. Apparently you can't open a package of paper towels and say you spilled them too. For some reason they don't believe that story.

At least I spilled something clean and not something stinky like baby food, or chili, or salsa, or soup. Or some combination of those things. Now THAT would have been a messy mess!

My advice to you is to spill something that is easy to clean up. Like toilet paper. Or a birthday card.

I'm off to clean my mess.

Enjoy!

-DJ

new name

So, some guy in Minnesota stole fishnet stockings and some DVDs from a store. Big deal, right? That happens every day in Minnesota. I mean, if guys aren't wearing fishnet stockings in Minnesota, they're eating sugar beets, you know?

The interesting part of this story is that the suspect's name is Spiral Lightninghawk. WOAH! I would NOT mess with a guy wearing fishnets if he told me his name was Lightninghawk!

Since his name is so cool, I have decided to change my name. I have a few choices. Let me know what you think.

Vertigo Dragonhammer

Thunder Stonebreaker

Typhoon Firetiger

or Princess Pink Fairy Fuzzyglitter.

I'm quite fond of the last one, but they're all pretty tough.

I'm off to grab some fishnets full of sugar beets.

Enjoy!

-DJ

basic human rights

While our country is wasting time trying to figure out if getting health care is a basic human right, Finland is tackling the real issues.

Broadband Internet.

It is now LAW in Finland that everybody in the country must be given access to broadband internet. It is, in fact, a basic human right...to go online.

And I couldn't agree more.

I have decided to root for this new government health care because that will get us one step closer to government mandated internet access.

Think of the utopia we would achieve! Everybody could find my wishlist on Amazon! I have, like, ten pages of stuff I want! (And I have it organized by priority, so please go with the highest priority first. Thank you.)

Since everybody in Finland will be online, we'll be able to chat with them about Finnish rock band Apocalyptica. Or converse about Linus Torvalds brilliant Linux OS.

Finally, after all that wonderful conversation, we'll wind down with a Runeberg tart and talk about Pesapallo.

Oh the Finnish times we'll have. ( Editor’s note: Jokes are funnier when accompanied with the Finland Wikipedia page...we think.)

I'm off to Finnish what I started. (Okay, so that joke is funny AND you don't have to look anything up!)

Enjoy!

-DJ

alfred nobel

Alfred Nobel gives out peace prizes. Well, he doesn't, but some guy named Thorbjoern (which I pronounce "Thor-burn") Jagland does in Al's honor.

I have learned two things from reading the news this weekend.

1. President Obama got the Nobel Peace Prize

2. Norwegians have really cool names. I would NOT mess with somebody named Thorbjoern Jagland.

Some people are a little upset with Obama getting the Nobel Peace Prize because it is based on his dream of peace and not any actual peace happenings.

The Republican party has even joked that he won it "for awesomeness."

To which I say, "Awesomeness is no joke!"

Now, I don't really care that he got the prize. I AM upset that they do NOT have a Nobel Awesome Prize. And slightly more upset that I haven't gotten it yet.

Finally, if the Peace Prize represents the Awesome Prize, then I SHOULD have gotten it. Dermatologists everywhere agree (even though I didn't really ask them) that my awesomeness has created world peace. Take that, Thorbjoern.

I'm off to claim my Nobel.

Enjoy!

-DJ

my house

If you think teachers have a good deal getting weekends and summers off, wait until you hear about this! The House of Representatives works only three days a week!

It's true! Their average work week starts on Tuesday night at 6:30pm and goes until Thursday night. No specific time, just when the work gets done. Which is usually before Grey's Anatomy comes on. The HoR's love that Izzie.

But really, who doesn't.

I'm thinking of getting into the house. I have your best interests at heart. I would encourage you to work multiple jobs so you can buy food while I enjoy my four-day weekend. Since you won't have time for vacation, I will go on a cruise in your place. In a way, I will "represent" you on the cruise. Nice, right?

Now, don't think I won't work hard for those other three days. I will probably tweet about our arguments on twitter. I will also be your neighbor on Farmville. While they filibuster, I'll scare crows off your farm.

Vote me in now. I don't really know when the House needs new people, but write some letters to congress and maybe they'll let me in.

Before Thanksgiving would be nice. I need some extra time for xmas shopping.

I'm off to find a political party.

Enjoy!

-DJ

people get paid for this?

The Federal Trade Commission told me that I have to disclose whether or not I have been compensated for things said on my blog. Yes, some people get free stuff for writing about it on their blogs. Now the government wants to know about it.

At this moment, I have not been paid, in any form, by the Candy Association, The Unicorn Society or the Totally Awesome Ninja Group.

Today's blog, being a legal document (because I said so), is my only notice that I will review whatever I want and say whatever I want (mostly about candy) without getting any sort of compensation for it. If I do, in fact, get something from a company that wants me to review it, I will say that they gave me their product to review.

For example, if the government sends me money to "test" out, I will inform all of you that the government sent me money. I will also give an unbiased review of the money they sent me. Maybe it was good money (like many $100 bills) or maybe it was bad money (like a few $1 bills), but either way, I will let you know who sent it to me. And I will tell you what I bought.

If you didn't get the hint, government, send me money to try. I'm sure people are wondering if it's good or not. I'll even do a taste test and everything. How else will people find out if the dollar tastes better than the euro?

They won't. So send me money.

I'm off to disclose my info.

Enjoy!

-DJ

river of january

Rio de Janeiro will host the 2016 Olympics. I never watch the Olympics, but maybe I will when they go to Rio.

Why? Let me, and their board of tourism, tell you!

It is home to the Copacabana. Granted, we're not talking about the same one north of Havana, BUT it's still pretty cool. Everybody loves Barry Manilow. He is, in fact, the man...ilow.

They have a cable car. Because people love...that...cable stuff.

For the millions of bossa nova fans out there, you could visit the girl from Ipanema.

And! If that's not enough for you! They have the EIGHTH largest library in the world! So, if you've already gone to the first seven, which I'm sure you have, you have to see the eighth! Sure they might have slightly fewer books than the other ones, but where else will you find a first edition Os Lusiadas by Luis de Camoes.

Not in the Library of Congress, I'll tell you that much.

So go to Rio to check out the Olympics. Grab a copy of Os Lusiadas and lay out on the Copacabana. Then watch some people run or something. It'll be a great time.

I'm off to Cidade Maravilhosa.

Enjoy!

-DJ

heaven in dubai

There is a giant mall in Dubai. I don't know where Dubai is, but I'm going to type it into a GPS and find it because they are adding the world's largest candy store to their giant mall.

According to Dubai officials, there is more demand than supply for candy in the region. I had no idea life was so rough there. Perhaps I should send money to Dubai children so they can get candy. For the price of a candy bar a day, I can get a candy bar to a needy child in Dubai every day.

The store will be 10,000 square feet. It will also have a 30-foot tall singing chocolate tree decorated with lollipops. Awesome.

And if you are on the other side of the mall, don't worry, you can still get candy. There will be a car that drives around the mall selling candy. Like a candy car.

So I'm thinking of sneaking into the store and living in the corner. Maybe build up a wall of jelly beans and gummy bears to hide behind. And at night, I'll eat all the candy I can before I collapse in my candy home.

I will also have a pet puma. The puma will be made out of m&ms and licorice. Her name will be Snowflake.

I'm off to Dubai.

Enjoy!

-DJ

super glue

I hate super glue. Or, if you'd rather, cyanoacrylate. I know it's effective in suture-less surgery and fragging. If you are a doctor or coral enthusiast, respectively.

I also know ballerinas love it when they have a shank problem. But seriously, it's such a waste of money. You buy this little tube that is only good for one use. It's nearly impossible to use the same tube twice.

It also gets all over your skin and pajama pants. Luckily, those two things weren't touching when that happened last night.

And for those of you out there saying that you never have a problem? You're lying. And for lying, I will glue your pants to your shoes.

On the plus side, looking up cyanoacrylate allowed me to use the words fragging and shank. I don't really know what they mean, but they sound fun!

I'm off to super glue a fragging shank.

Enjoy!

-DJ

hand shower

Our sink faucet at work has a button on top that lets you change how the water comes out. Instead of the normal round waterfall, you can change it to a shower-type spray.

When I was a kid, my kitchen sink had something similar, but it was mostly for cleaning dishes because the spray was stronger than the regular faucet spout. The one at work is gentle.

It's like a soothing shower. For your hands. And I love it.

It's like washing your hands under a mountain stream with the wind rustling through the trees. There are bunnies and deer around enjoying relaxing music from a harp. Maybe a few mermaids are resting on the rocks. Stream mermaids, not those ocean ones.

Then I finish washing my hands and I'm back at work. No bunnies. No deer. No harps.

At least the mermaids are still here.

I'm off to the wash my hands again.

Enjoy!

-DJ

the power of one wheel

I bet you were riding your unicycle the other day and thought that it would be so much easier to use if only it had a motor on it. That would save you from all that pesky pedaling that you normally have to do.

Well you can thank the fine folks in Japan for making a unicycle with a battery that will move ON YOUR COMMAND! You can move forward by leaning forward! Want to go left? You lean left! It's that simple!

I bet you never thought you could unicycle with such ease! And with a top speed of 3.7 miles per hour?! WOOOOO DOGGY! Look out world! I may leave a trail of FLAMES behind me!

I may...if I'm directly in front of somebody lighting matches.

Does anybody even ride unicycles? Why would you? To weave through crowded streets better? Or just to look dorky?

I think I'll make life easier for people and create a unicycle with an extra wheel for stability. I'll call it the dual-wheeled unicycle.

I'm off to find somebody with a pack of matches.

Enjoy!

-DJ

big bears

A company is now selling giant gummy bears. For $30, you can get a gummy bear that is 9.5 inches tall and weighs 5 pounds.

That's about 1,400 regular gummy bears. Or about 90 servings.

They are calling it the world's LARGEST gummy bear. All I can say is, "Really? That's as big as they could get it?"

When I'm being told that the world's largest gummy bear is available, I'm hoping for something that is AT LEAST 5 feet tall. I want something that will allow me to drive in the carpool lane. I also want something I can eat in the carpool lane.

Don't get the wrong idea...if you gave me this 9.5 inch gummy bear, I wouldn't throw it back in your face and say gummy-tinged obscenities. I would still eat it. But after 90 servings, I would crave more. So it's best to buy me two.

It comes in three flavors. Red, green, and blue. I'm fond of red flavor. But I also like green flavor. Blue flavor is good too.

I'm off to find the world's largest gummy worm.

Enjoy!

-DJ

run like the wind

Can you run? I can't. It's hard. I've been going to the gym for a while and enjoy the elliptical. I have found out that running is WAY harder than that. I can elliptical for about 30 minutes and not have a problem. If I run for about 10 minutes I'll collapse.

I got up to 13 minutes the other day. I was pretty excited.

I decided to run because I figure running has more real world applications than ellipticalling.

For example: If an elephant starts chasing me and all I have are elliptical skills, it will probably catch me immediately and beat me with its tusk or a lead pipe or something.

If I can run, I may come across a cache of ancient samurai weapons within 7 minutes of my 13 minute limit (and 'minute limit' is also really fun to say!). Therefore, I could defend myself with a wakizashi or a naginata and possibly extend my life a little bit.

Even though elephants are trained in many forms of martial arts, I'm pretty skilled with a wakizashi.

I'm off to run.

Enjoy!

-DJ

rock your socks

Hold onto your socks, kids! This news could quite possibly rock them completely off! Even if you have some of those tube socks that go all the way up to the knee. Fully. Knocked. Off.

And if you're wearing ankle socks, then I wouldn't even bother looking for them. They'll be out of orbit. We'll find them on Mars in about 300 years.

Are you ready for the news?!

I bought socks.

Okay, so I was being a little dramatic, but I was going for a whole sock theme. I really wanted to talk about socks because the socks I bought came in a re-sealable bag. Like a ziploc freezer bag. Except for socks. Which I wouldn't regularly put in the freezer to keep fresh.

Maybe you do. I can't imagine the NEED for a ziploc top for my socks. I suppose it would keep them from being knocked off, but only if properly stored and zip-locked.

What the heck is that zip thing really called, anyway? It's not really a zipper. It's definitely not velcro. It's a thin strip of plastic being pushed into another piece of plastic.

Hold on...I gotta look this up...

Okay, I can't find anything except interlocking curvilinear grooves, but that sounds more like a bunch of mathematicians breakdancing.

Which actually sounds pretty entertaining.

I'm off to put on some new socks.

Enjoy!

-DJ

i love nasa

Why? Because they can build light-clouds. Like a sky-firefly.

There are these clouds called noctilucent clouds that light up. They are really, REALLY high up in the sky and are visible ONLY when the sun is below the horizon. This creates a cloud that lights up EVEN AT NIGHT! How cool is that?! The earth does some pretty amazing things, right?

Well, not to be outdone by the earth, NASA decided to create their own noctilucent cloud. And they succeeded! They also accidentally succeeded in lighting up the East Coast with flashes that people thought were aliens.

Woops.

If we can make clouds that light up the sky, we won't need street lights anymore! We could save billions in electricity. Granted, it probably cost NASA billions to make one cloud, but it's still pretty cool.

Is that the only reason I love NASA? No. NASA is also sweet and caring and writes me love poems. Like this one:

"I've seen the universe
I've seen the moon
but the world is empty
without yoon."

Eh...the thought is there.

I'm off to light up the sky.

Enjoy!

-DJ

won't you be my neighbor

I wanted to talk about my neighbors moving away. I wasn't sure what to say, but it seemed so significant that I should write about it.

I don't know why it's important. It's not like I ever TALKED to my neighbors. But I always wanted to. They lived below me in my apartment complex. They seemed really nice.

Of course, they might NOT have been nice, but I'm pretty sure they were. And possibly still are. Now I will never know, because I never went down to borrow a cup of sugar so I could bake a pie.

I'm afraid my dancing caused them to move. Sometimes my dancing is loud. So maybe they didn't want to talk to me either. Since I thumped around dancing. While baking a pie.

So, farewell people who live below me! Or, at least used to! I never actually knew your name even, though we were only separated by a few feet of floor.

I'm off to do the pie dance.

Enjoy!

-DJ

weak water

I'm convinced that my water loses pressure throughout the day. You might think I'm crazy, but I'm not.

It all started after I lost water. Then lost hot water. When it came back, the water started getting tired at the end of the day. I suppose I can understand that because I get tired as the day goes on, but water never did that before.

I'm afraid water is tired of giving us so much. We've taken water for granted for far too long. It just doesn't feel appreciated.

Me (to myself): hmmmm...I turn on the faucet, but the water is barely coming out.

Water: Eh...I'm just not in the mood to flow.

Me (to water): But you have to water! I need you!

Water: yeah...whatever...zzzzzzz (that is the sound of water sleeping)

It's time to show water we care! Maybe next time you wash your hands, say thank you. Or when you take a shower, yell out "I love you water!"

Water doesn't have to quench our thirst. But it does.

I'm off to buy a box of chocolates for my water.

Enjoy!

-DJ

fancy friday

Casual Friday was cancelled today. It's true. I have the memo to prove it. I didn't know it could be cancelled, but it was. The reason? Basketball.

Since our studios are located in the Basketball Hall of Fame, a bunch of famous people were coming by for the Enshrinement.

Enshrinement is a fancy word meaning "getting your picture put up in the Hall of Fame."

Unlike school being cancelled, I still had to go to work. Casual Friday was cancelled, but Friday was not cancelled. It just changed its name. Fancy Friday.

I bet fish don't have these issues. Lucky water-breathers.

I'm off to casualate.

Enjoy!

-DJ

week of jelly bean

Did you know that it takes a week to make a jelly bean?! That's a long time! 7 whole days have to pass before that jelly bean can be enjoyed by your tummy.

Let this be a lesson to you. Appreciate the jelly bean. It went through a lot to give you a moment of happiness.

The jelly bean is born and grows up for 2 days. Then has 3 days of soul searching. Finds nirvana the next day. And finally celebrates a Bar Mitzvah on the last day. Or a Bat Mitzvah. Depending on the flavor.

After they shout "Mazel Tov!" at the jelly bean factory, the bean is packaged and shipped to you.

How do I know all this? I looked it up on the internet. Well, the internet that I wrote on a piece of paper. I call it Papernet Explorerfox.

I'm off to write more internet.

Enjoy!

-DJ

orange

I was out this weekend and heard somebody say that their favorite color was orange. That's right, orange. Have you EVER met anybody whose favorite color is orange?! That seems like the strangest color to have as a favorite!

It's just so...orange. I can understand colors like blue or pink or even yellow. But orange?

I mean, I guess it's okay for sticky notes. You can't miss an orange sticky because you'll look at it and WANT to do whatever you wrote on it just so you can take the sticky down!

I have to admit that orange is my favorite color of juice. I do drink orange juice every morning. Sometimes, when I'm feeling a little crazy, I may even drink it at night. But don't tell anybody. I'm a little ashamed.

Orange is the name of a really good album by Jon Spencer Blues Explosion. I'm pretty sure you never heard of them, but you should listen to that album. It's pretty awesome. Even though it's called orange. And the disc is orange. That was my first CD. Hmmm...now that I think about it, my second CD was also orange-colored. It was The Flaming Lips album Clouds Taste Metallic.

I guess orange was a popular color in the mid-90s. At least it was to the bands I liked.

I SUPPOSE orange is an okay color. But a favorite? Eh...I'm still not convinced. Stick with black or green or something.

Is it your favorite color? I can't imagine that it is. Unless it is in juice form, but that's different.

I'm off to relive the mid-90s.

Enjoy!

-DJ

time to go to fiji

Pants are not allowed on Sundays in Bua Island, Fiji. Men have to wear the traditional sarong instead of pants.

Finally! I am SO moving to Fiji! Pants are so "pantsy", you know? You gotta put one leg in AND THEN put the OTHER leg in! It's, like, so much work!

A sarong? Simple. Tie it around my waist. Done. It's time to relax.

Don't like relaxing? That's fine too! Pants hold you back from performing totally sweet kung fu kicks! So, on a Sunday, if you are attacked by angry, mutated prawns, you can fight back with your awesome kung fu moves and win!

If that happened on a Monday, you would be a slave in the prawn empire!

Thankfully, mutated prawns only attack on Sundays. So with my sarong in tow, I save the world week after week. With my funky kung fu moves.

I'm off to pack my bags for Fiji.

Enjoy!

-DJ

hopped up on jerky

You may know that beef jerky is one of my favorite topics. Ever. The thought of dried beef is so odd to me. I'm just fascinated that it even exists.

Also, I'm always excited when people add caffeine to products.

Well, somebody has finally added two of my greatest joys! Perky Jerky! Oh yeah! It's beef jerky "infused" with caffeine. So when you need to get going in the morning and a cup of coffee is just too much effort, chew yourself awake with some Perky Jerky!

You can get it in original flavor, original flavor, or original flavor. You say that isn't enough choices?! WELL IT IS!!!!! I'll tell you why! They made their beef jerky better than anyone else's.

It's true! They said so! An actual quote from their website says, "the flavor profile keeps you coming back for more."

You can't argue with that, can you? I wonder what my flavor profile is. I hope it's up there with Perky Jerky.

Even though I'm not really perky. Maybe if I had some jerky I would get a little more perky. That may seem quirky, but I'm no turkey because I'm as cool as Captain Kirky. If the waters seem murky, just get yourself some Perky Jerky.

I'm off to go back to worky.

Enjoy!

-DJ

440 gallons of gravy

While it's not as tasty as $240 worth of pudding, it may still prove to be entertaining. I know I'm not a big sports follower, but I do remember watching wrestling as a kid. I seem to recall Junkyard Dog was my favorite. I had the action figure.

England, however, has gravy wrestling.

I don't know about you, but people covered in gravy doesn't really get me excited.

Joel Hicks, a competitor, said, "My technique was really just to grab hold of the guy and hope for the best."

Um...I'm not quite sure how to respond to that.

You should just throw that statement out in the middle of a conversation. See what happens.

I'm off to grab hold of the guy and hope for the best.

Enjoy!

-DJ

watching traffic

I was driving on 91 yesterday and saw a loveseat on the side of the highway. I also saw a deer. But the loveseat was more exciting, so I decided to talk about that instead.

I can understand that some people might feel that watching traffic is more entertaining than TV these days, but is it legal to put a loveseat on the highway?

What's the strangest thing you've ever seen on the side of the road? I guess a loveseat isn't too strange. If the deer was sitting on the loveseat drinking a root beer waving to the cars passing by, that would have been strange.

That wasn't happening, but I kinda wish it had.

Looking up to make sure that loveseat was one word and not two, I found out there are websites dedicated the loveseats. I don't know if that's stranger than a deer drinking root beer or not.

I'm off to love my seat.

Enjoy!

-DJ

internet lost

I lost the internet at home. I can't find it. I don't know what happened to it. It just went "poof!"

I looked everywhere. In the phone jack. Under the microwave. Even under the chair. Nothing.

I had to call in a professional. Unfortunately, the professionals don't have specific times when they can come find my internet. They can come someday Monday-Friday between 9 and 5. If I am not home when they come, I will have to make a new appointment.

Is it really an appointment with such a broad spectrum of time? Maybe I shouldn't bother.

I'll just go back to mailing letters instead of email. I'll tell everybody around me what I'm doing instead of twitter. I'll actually grow rice instead of farmville. I'll watch TV instead of youtube.

Maybe I'll even go outside!

Okay, I probably won't do that. Weird stuff happens when I go outside.

I'm off to go back to the stone age.

Enjoy!

-DJ

summer hike

I saw Santa the other day. He was hiking through West Springfield.

How did I know he was hiking? He had a large hiking stick. And he was wearing hiking clothes. I think he was hiking for car parts because he was standing in front of a car parts store. I don't know what Santa needs car parts for. Especially since he is such an avid hiker. Maybe he was doing some shopping for you.

I wanted to ask him for stuff, but I was in my car and didn't have a good spot to turn around. He was probably tired from hiking, anyway. Still, it would have been nice to get my requests in early. I know it might take a while to build a giant robot dinosaur, so I don't want him to feel rushed.

I also didn't have my list prepared. It's not like I was expecting him to hike through town in the summer.

Did you see him hiking the other day? Did you give him your list? Lucky. You're always prepared, aren't you. Fine. Maybe you'll get your giant robot dinosaur and I'll just get a dolphin.

Again.

You don't have to be such a showoff.

I'm off to get my list ready.

Enjoy!

-DJ

dear appendix

Did you hear the news?! The appendix is the biggest thing to hit humans since the thumb! An immunologist is telling us the appendix isn't useless, but actually use FULL!

They are saying that good bacteria would chill out in the appendix and come out when needed. Take that liver!

I've always been a fan of the appendix. I think my appendix bursted a few years ago, but I told the doctors to leave it in.

Actually, that's not true. I do think it burst, but I can't afford medical bills, so I didn't go to the doctor.

Okay, so it might have been a stomach ache, but I'm pretty sure my appendix burst. It hurt. A lot. For, like, a day.

Treasure the appendix! I love the appendix so much that I wrote it a letter:

Dear appendix,

I love you.

love,

your host body

I'm off to vestigial organ.

Enjoy!

-DJ

something smells different

I think I smell different. I don't mean that my nose is confused, but my actual body odor. I don't like it.

I got used to my old smell. Now it's different. Can that happen? It started a few weeks ago. I really don't know why.

I want my old smell back. I also want a tiger. I wonder if a tiger would like my new smell better than my old smell. Maybe my smell changed because I'm supposed to get a tiger.

I like that idea. Tigers are cool. They go "roar."

I'm off to smell myself.

Enjoy!

-DJ

heavy fish

A new report said that every fish tested in these United States has mercury in it. Not just a high percentage. Every. Single. One.

If it makes you feel any better, only 25% of them have mercury levels so high that they are unsafe to eat. So you have a 75% chance of only poisoning yourself a little bit.

Don't eat fish. I don't really care about the mercury. Fish just taste NASTY! It's like eating solid salt water. I don't like licking the ocean. Maybe mercury would actually make fish taste better, but I doubt it. Unless mercury tastes like sugar.

I remember once in high school we got a vial of mercury. It was cool because it was really heavy. AND it is a metal that is a liquid at room temperature! How cool is that! No wonder fish eat it all the time. I would have, but the vial was sealed shut.

I thought it might give me super powers. Maybe make me faster. (that's a mercury joke Latin students will get)

I'm off to NOT eat fish.

Enjoy!

-DJ

no water

Last week the town informed me that I would be without water from 10pm to 4am. So I prepared. I filled the bathtub and a bunch of bottles with water.

The next morning I woke up with a working shower and thought that they finished early. I was happy.

Last night, I got home and saw that there was construction happening. It seems they postponed their work a week. And didn't tell me.

I tried the water. No luck. Then I brushed my teeth and tried the water again. SUCCESS!!!!! I knew I had to work fast, so I started to fill the tub and water bottles. I only got two bottles full and about an inch of water in the bathtub before the water was gone again.

This morning, that inch of water was cold. So I had a shiver bath this morning. It's not as fun as it sounds.

And my hair isn't perfect.

Otherwise, the day is going great! Just call me Mr. Positive!

I'm off to shower...finally.

Enjoy!

-DJ

cake car

Some guy got cake smeared on his car. The police report said that it was “very moist and fresh to the touch.”

It is the fourth time that this car has been attacked by food. The moist and fresh cake, twinkies, again with twinkies, and finally with chinese food. So, the question you gotta ask is, "What did that car ever do to food?"

You see, food doesn't just randomly attack cars. I know it happens all the time in the movies, but in nature, food is docile and only attacks a car when provoked.

Maybe that will teach you a lesson about food safety.

I'm off to eat cake.

Enjoy!

-DJ

curses

There is a show on NBC called "Merlin" about a young Arthur in Camelot. One day Arthur shoots a unicorn and gives the horn to his dad as a gift. Then all the crops in Camelot die and the water turns into sand.

All because you're NOT SUPPOSED TO KILL A UNICORN! How did he not know that?! Did Arthur even go to school?!

I was cursed once. It wasn't really that bad of a curse, but they called it a curse. I was walking in the mall and the escalator wasn't working. A guy at the bottom said that I would be cursed if I walked up it. I did. And all my crops died. Which was fine because I was only growing basil with my Chia herb garden.

Then my water turned into sand. That was also cool because I had a sandbox in the bathroom.

The last curse was that I could only eat candy for 21 days and 21 nights. Clearly the curse-giver didn't really think about his cursing.

After riding a working escalator, I was found to be pure of heart and my water became water again. I grew many herbs with my Chia and I didn't have to eat candy. I did, but I didn't HAVE to.

Your lesson? Don't go to the mall. Weird people will curse you.

I'm off to shop online.

Enjoy!

-DJ

soooooo...

Not much going on around the ol' office today. Yep...not much at all.

I don't think I've ever had a corndog. Or is it corn dog? Maybe corn-dog? Let me look it up.

...

Ahhh...corn dog. Got it. I just found it online. Did you know that in Japan they call the corn dog an "American Dog?" They do. Tell your friends.

I bet you were thinking that this blog entry would get more exciting. It really doesn't. Seriously, nothing is going on.

If you're waiting for me to shout about some sort of invasion of the Mosquito-People here to suck our blood, it's not gonna happen. Unless it does. Then I'll be sorry that I said it's not. Because you won't believe me.

If you're looking for something exciting, I would do an online search for baby otters. That's probably more exciting than me right now. They're so darned cute!

I'm even boring myself, so I think I'll go search for baby otters!

I'm off to AWWW...LOOK AT DA BABY OTTERS!!!

Enjoy!

-DJ

meat cards

A man has created business cards made out of meat. They're flat pieces of beef jerky with your contact info lasered onto it.

I don't know what else to say about it.

Person: "Here's my card."

Me: "This is meat."

Person: "It's a meat card."

Me: "You handed me a piece of meat. With words on it."

Person: "So you can contact me."

Me: "It's meat."

Person: "It's so you'll remember this meeting...with meat."

Me: "This is disgusting. You're trying to get business with animal carcass."

Person: "You can snack on it later."

Me: "It's old meat that was sitting in your pocket."

Person: "Well, I know you won't forget this meeting!"

Me: "I really wish I could."

And that is my conversation from yesterday. Then I threw a steak at him and ran away. Don't worry, I put a sticky-note with my contact info on the steak.

I'm off to eat a business card.

Enjoy!

-DJ

again with the star wars

I always get distracted when cool Star Wars stuff comes out. I know you probably think most of it is boring, but this time I KNOW you'll love it.

Lightsaber Chopsticks. That's right. Little lightsabers that are perfect for enjoying General Tso's Chicken. You would use lightsabers on General Tso because he was a follower of the Sith Lord, Darth Sidious.

It may be great chicken, but it's still evil. Unless you eat it with lightsaber chopsticks.

Not only are these great for eating, but you can have tiny lightsaber battles with your friends.

I think I would use these everywhere. If I had to go to a fancy dinner for work or something, I might enjoy a fancy salad with my lightsaber chopsticks.

Server: "Your fancy french-named salad, sir."

Me: "Thank you."

Sound FX (made by me): "VVVVVVOOOOM WHOOSH"

Server: "I can get you a fork, sir."

Me: "If you get me a fork, I will lightsaber you so fast that the millennium falcon wouldn't even be able to save you."

Sound FX (made by me again): "VOOSH! ZOOM! WHOOSH!"

And that is why I will never be asked to go out to dinner again. Which would be awesome, because I hate fancy dinners. They never let you have any fun.

I'm off to practice my chopstick form.

Enjoy!

-DJ

nothing at all

There is a small town in Arizona named Nothing. It has two residents. There is a pizza parlor and a mini mart. The town is five to nine acres in size.

What does that even mean?! Five to nine acres?! How does a town change size? Is there some sort of tectonic plate there? Does it constantly shift? Are they located next to an unstable multi-dimensional shift?

Why doesn't another real town just absorb Nothing? I'll tell you why. Pizza Man Mike.

Pizza Man Mike is trying to keep Nothing going strong. He wants to create Nothing into a private community. I guess for the two people who live there. Mike wants Nothing for himself and his neighbor.

I'm not sure Mike gets the joke. I do.

So, if you're looking for a family road trip across the states, then be sure to stop in Nothing and have a pizza. Tell Mike I said hi. And to give up. Nothing isn't worth it. And not in a double negative sort of way.

I'm off to shift a tectonic plate.

Enjoy!

-DJ

they're in my head

There is a store that gives out coupons when you get a receipt from them. I won't say who they are, but if you have good aim, you probably hit this a lot.

And this store is stalking me. I swear! They are!

Okay, so a few weeks ago I was running low on laundry detergent. I went to that store and got a coupon for THE EXACT KIND THAT I USE!

Weird, right?!

THEN! Yesterday, I went to that store again to get my laundry detergent. I was putting stuff onto the conveyor belt and got a paper cut from one of the tags hanging off a shirt I bought.

I bought my stuff and the coupon I got was for band-aids. BAND-AIDS! It's like they knew I just got a cut!

How did they know? I think they tagged me. Or they can read my mind. I'm not sure yet.

It's scary, but at the same time, I save money on things I need, so I can't really complain.

I'm off to buy what they tell me to.

Enjoy!

-DJ

cracker jack

Does anybody eat Cracker Jacks anymore? They seem like such an old snack. I can picture kids in 1956 eating them, but they don't have the same pizzazz as today's snacks.

Kids in 1956 might have also said pizzazz when referring to their Cracker Jacks. Today, kids might say their candy is da bomb.

I liked how the old box was a present. They wrapped a plain box in their packaging and you could unwrap it and find a gift of...CRACKER JACKS!

Did you ever get anything cool in a Cracker Jack box? I didn't. I'm pretty sure I got the same prize every time. It was a small, square piece of orange plastic with a convex circle on it. So I could magnify things. And make them appear orange.

It was lame. Like, really, really lame. Maybe kids loved it in 1956 when everything was in black and white, but I needed more stimulation than that.

So, I liked collecting glittery stickers. Because I was cool.

I'm off to add some pizzazz to my life.

Enjoy!

-DJ

space program

In space, everybody can smell your breath. Or so I'm told. By China.

China has some strict rules for their astronauts. If you want to get up to that space station in the sky, you must NOT have bad breath. And that is only one of their requirements.

Some of the other rules are that you cannot have a runny nose, no scars, and no cavities. They also said that your wife has to allow you to go. Implying that women aren't allowed in space.

Why? Well, we all know how it is in space. If you were a woman with a runny nose, scars and cavities, you might...um...scare...uh...I don't know. There's nothing up there! Do they think some alien life form (or ALF, as the government calls them) won't talk to you if you have scars? Aliens might love a good scar story!

Female Astronaut: Hello ALF!

ALF: I'm not talking to you.

Female Astronaut: Why not?

ALF: You have a scar. And a cavity. And you are a woman.

Female Astronaut: Yeah, but you should hear the story about how I got the scar! It involves a samurai and a pile of waffles!

ALF: (holding his hand in front of her face) See this? This is me not talking to you.

Female Astronaut: Jerk.

And that is why China is leading the way in space travel! They know how it is up there! You have a degree in space travel? WHO CARES! You didn't brush your teeth enough! OUT!

I like brushing my teeth.

I'm off to apply for a job in the Australian space program. They'll take just about anybody.

Enjoy!

-DJ

bow-humor

I may have mentioned in the past that I'm bow-legged. It's pretty exciting. I walk like a cowboy. Though, clearly I am not that rugged. I have a rug at home, but I don't think that counts.

If you don't know, a bow-legged person can't put their knees together if their feet are touching. Try it. Stand straight up. Put your feet together. I bet you can get your knees to touch. I can't. Thus creating a "bow" effect.

I tell myself that this happened because my legs needed the arch in order to support the major awesomeness of my upper body. I encourage you to tell me that as well.

Back to the point: I heard a bow-legged joke this weekend! I know! I didn't think there were any! But there is at least one. I'm pretty excited. I would like to use it at cocktail parties and social gatherings. Not that I go to either, but if I ever accidentally enter one, I can use this joke.

Why did the cowboy lose his job?

Because he couldn't keep his calves together!

HA!

Tell you friends. Do you know any bow-legged jokes? I'd love to hear them. And steal them so I can be popular at parties.

I'm off to ride a horse.

Enjoy!

-DJ

radio by candle

It’s been a crazy day! The radio station lost power, so we got to work in the dark today! That’s right, a huge chunk of Springfield lost power and we were lucky enough to be affected. We had a generator powering the music. And that’s it. We had candles lighting our way.

It got kinda hot (since we didn’t have air conditioning), but at least it smelled like lavender!

What are you supposed to do when you have no power, you ask? I’ll tell you. Sit in a room with people all morning and get really hot. At least, that’s what it seems like we were doing. I don’t know if you like doing that.

Hopefully you have power. There was also a water main break. So, some people had no water or power. I even heard that some tumbleweeds were blowing down the street. And then a mysterious man rode in on a horse.

Then it started raining, so he rode away.

Hopefully people will start getting power back soon.

I’m off rob a stagecoach.

Enjoy!

-DJ

mmmmm...jerky

I love hunting catalogs. I mean, I have never hunted and probably never will, but I just LOVE the products they sell. You can buy some of the most amazing things for a hunter.

Like a jerky gun. That's right! You can "make great-tasting jerky right at home." It's a large gun-shaped thing with a tube for the meat and a large handle to squeeze. As you squeeze, the meat comes out in different jerky-shapes. It's like Play-Doh Fun Factory. Except meatier.

Now, there might be people out there who are thinking, "Of course there's a jerky gun. How else did he expect me to make my jerky at home?" And they'd be right. It seems so obvious. But, since I can't remember the last time I ate beef jerky (or any other jerky for that matter), I never really thought about the procedure.

There is a pistol, a blaster AND A SUPER JERKY BLASTER! The Super Blaster has 7.2 volts of jerky pushin' power. That bad boy will "dispense meat only when you want it to."

And we all HATE it when our jerky guns dispense meat when somebody else asks it to. You gotta keep those jerky guns in line!

And that is why we have a Super Jerky Blaster. For the man or woman who wants to keep their meat in control.

It also has a "comfortable, soft-touch handle." Niiiiice.

I'm off to shoot some meat.

Enjoy!

-DJ

you won't see me here

Again, sometimes I don't quite understand other cultures. Then again, I don't understand most things that don't involve comic books, so I'm pretty clueless.

England had its annual "Tough Guy Race" a few days ago. Sound like fun? Did you know that you have to sign a death warrant before starting? I guess you have to say they won't be responsible...if you die...from this race.

I know what some people might say, "Well, you run the risk of death every time you get into your car." And they'd be right. BUT, I don't get into my car thinking, "I'm going to drive my car all crazy-like with hopes of risking death."

You have to run through a pond full of leeches, scale a 40ft tall wall, and even run over burning tires. How do you decide to do all that?!

"So, what do you want to do today?"

"Hmmm...How about we care for kittens at the local shelter?"

"OR! We could go run over burning tires!"

"Well slap my wrists and call me sprinkles! I'm all about that!"

"Really? I was just kidding. I'm all about the kittens."

"oh...yeah...me too. I love kittens. Like, way more than catching on fire."

So, if you're a tough guy or gal, you can go cover yourself with leeches and play with fire. I'll stick to fluffy bunnies.

I'm off to toughen up.

Enjoy!

-DJ

gloves for your feet

There seems to be a lot of talk these days about those Vibram Five Finger shoes. They aren't really shoes. They are like gloves for your feet. You can see each toe. And they look stupid.

I'm not one to completely care about fashion, as MANY have pointed out, but there is a point when I might say, "Do I really want feet gloves?" To which I'll answer, "NO!"

Apparently there is some sort of "science" behind this idea. They say it's better to run barefoot because that is how we evolved.

Yeah, well as much as I like nature, it didn't get EVERYTHING right.

Like the manatee. What does that do? I love manatees, but really, they look like floating rocks.

Or flamingos. Talk about NOT blending in. They're just asking to be attacked by predators! Yeah, let's stand on one leg and BE BRIGHT PINK! Nobody will find us!

Or Canadians! Sheesh! (I don't know what that means, but it's been far too long since I made fun of my friends to the north)

So if you feel inspired to run around barefoot, go for it. If you feel inspired to run around with foot-gloves, just go barefoot. Please. Nobody wants another "crocs" fad. I don't think the world can handle it.

I'm off to run with SHOES on.

Enjoy!

-DJ

mix tapes

Sometimes you notice that you are getting old. At least I do. I did when I asked a younger person about mix tapes. They don't have them anymore. They were so popular for years! Then they died quickly when digital media got so cheap and easy.

I would like to make a mix tape. I don't think anybody could listen to it, but I still want to make one. It was truly a labor of love. Especially when you had to go tape-to-tape. You had to find the song you wanted on one tape and then put it onto the blank tape. CDs made it a little easier, but it still took a long time.

And you wanted to hit pause on the tape deck because you would hear that click if you hit stop. Pause only made a slight "shwrit" noise. Much cleaner.

You could decorate the tape and the case for it. Usually with hearts because you made it for a girl you liked.

Now kids can buy and iPod and put 1000 songs on it and say, "All of these songs make me think of you." But back then, we had to pick the top 20-30 songs, so they REALLY had to mean something.

You kids have it so easy. We spent hours trying to impress girls. Now you can just transfer everything over to your mp3 player.

Did you ever make a mix tape? Decorated and everything? Or did you get a bunch of them? I still have mine. They're memories. I never taped over them. Kids can just delete the songs with the push of a button now. We had to get scotch tape and put it over the holes where the tabs were popped out.

Oh well...

I'm off to yell at those kids to get off my lawn.

Enjoy!

-DJ

moon landings

It's been 40 years since we landed on the moon. I say we, but WE didn't actually do it. At least I didn't. Maybe you did.

It seems people at NASA aren't so great with recording things because they lost original TV transmissions of the moon landings. Yeah. That's why we always see a cruddy copy of it. NASA didn't feel that putting humans on a celestial object was all that important.

I'm glad I don't have NASA in charge of my DVR. I might miss an episode of So You Think You Can Dance. If don't get my weekly dose of SYTYCD, I get cranky. And not just adult cranky, more like a hungry baby who needs a diaper change cranky.

What were they thinking? That this would happen every day?

NASA 1: Hey, can I take one of these tapes?

NASA 2: Sure, I think it's just one of those moon landing tapes. Why do you need it?

NASA 1: I want to tape the next episode of Green Acres. It looks Hi-Lar-I-Ous!

NASA 2: I love that show! I think I'll take one of those tapes too! Stupid moon landing. Who would want to watch that again when we have Green Acres?

NASA 1: I know. LAAAAAME!

It's a good thing Buzz brought his camera phone up there or we might not have ANY video of the event. It's too bad camera phone quality wasn't as good back then. I don't know how people survived without 8.59 megapixel cameras.

I'm off to land on the moon.

Enjoy!

-DJ

fist bu...oh...I mean pound it

It's strange to hang out with people who are younger and hipper than I am. I learn a lot. Like what the new phrases are for things to keep them cool since the action is still cool but the name for it has lost its cool.

Let me explain:

I'm directing a musical (which I will plug because it's for a good cause) at South Hadley High School. The show is Working. It's awesome. It's happening there July 23, 24 and 25 at 7pm. The money raised goes to the school's theater program. So come and help them out!

So, a lot of the people in the show are younger. At least, younger to me. College age. Around 20. They informed me that the "fist bump" is no longer the proper term for...uh...well…the actual motion of fist bumping. Now it's called "pounding". So, if I want to commend someone on a job well done, I have to say, "Pound it!" Followed by a fist bump. Or a pound, I guess?

Yeah. I never had to yell the words fist bump, I just did it. Saying to somebody "pound it" reminds me of the high five.

"That was totally rad! High Five!"

So, is pound it cooler? Probably.

Oh, and I learned it's not cool to say "pound me" when you are ready for a fist bump. I don't know why. That sounds just as stup...I mean cool.

I can't keep up with kids these days. I'm just going to start hugging people and say "huggabaloo!"

That'll make me cool.

I'm off to pound it.

Enjoy!

-DJ

the dark side of toast

If you're looking to have some good toast in the morning, this is not for you. This is for people who want bad toast. Like, evil toast. So evil that they would build a weapon the size of a small moon. And call it a Death Star.

If that's you, then the Star Wars toaster is just what you're looking for. It will make your toast AND make a darker image of Darth Vader on the toast!

The force is strong in that toaster. At least, the force of the heat from the Darth Vader image is strong.

You know what you CAN do! Jam the transmission! HA! (Spaceballs joke!). If you don't want Vader's message getting out, you can put some jam on his face and make sure the empire never gets the order to blow up Tattooine.

You could jelly the transmission, too. But that's not as funny. And it doesn't make me think of Spaceballs, which IS funny. You should watch that movie.

Breakfast would be pretty dramatic every day. So that would be cool, too.

Me: I'll never join you!

Me (speaking into my sippy cup to get a cool Darth Vader echo): If you only knew the power of the Dark Side. Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Me: He told me enough! He told me you killed him.

Me (as Vader): No. I am your father.

Me (as me): No. No! That's not true! That's impossible!

Me (as Vader): Search your feelings. You know it to be true.

Me (as me again): No! Nooooooo! *CRUNCH!*

I crunch because I ate the toast, not because I fell down an air shaft in Cloud City. That would be cool, but I would also be missing my hand. Not so great.

I'm off to use the force...to butter my toast.

Enjoy!

-DJ

um...this thing...I...hmmmm...

I have no idea how to describe this, so I'm just going to blurt it out. In China, there is a mountain that lays eggs. It's true! The board of tourism says so!

They say that Gandeng Mountain has laid more than 100 eggs. And another one is expected soon. So you might want to book your next vacation to Gulu, China. To see a mountain. Lay an egg.

The article didn't specify what comes out of the egg. I think it's a baby mountain.

They're very cute. And playful. But you have to watch out for their peaks. They can be sharp. They're like baby porcupines or baby jellyfish. Fun to play with, but you could go home with an injury.

I guess the same could be said for human babies, too. Especially babies on roller skates. Scary AND dangerous.

I'm off to see a mountain baby.

Enjoy!

-DJ

fun dreams

I think I've talked about my dreams before. I usually don't remember them, but I woke up last night and wrote this down because I did NOT want to forget it.

I think I was in college. Or some sort of community housing. I don't really know. One of my neighbors was a friend of mine, Kevin. Kevin and I went to college together. He's cool. Hi Kevin! (if you're reading this)

So, Kevin comes over and I'm working on my computer. Pretty boring, right? Then Kevin leaves and THOR COMES OVER TO SAY HI!

Yes! Thor! The Norse God of Thunder! Also a superhero in the Marvel Universe. You know, he fights bad guys with Captain America and Spider-Man! And he hits people with a HUGE HAMMER! WHAM!

Thor went to college with me! How cool is that?! Wanna hear the conversation?

Thor: Hey.

Me: Hi.

OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!! I SAID HI TO THOR!!!!!!!!!!

I am officially the COOLEST person ever.

I'm off to see if Thor wants to order a pizza with a side of WHAM!

Enjoy!

-DJ

fabric softener

I don't think I've ever used fabric softener. It sounds like a lovely product, but I just never got around to checking it out.

I finally bought some, but I'm a little scared. There is a warning on the back that says my clothes might catch on fire! It's true! It says that it will make flame-resistant clothes LESS flame-resistant and regular clothes more flame-susceptible!

Why should I worry? What if it's a really hot day! The sun is shining on me and FWOOSH! Flame on!

Even if it's a mild day, I might look really good. What if I happen to look "too hot" for my clothes?! My immense hotness could cause my clothes to burst into flames!

These are some scary thoughts that I'm sure you've all had. I don't know what to do about it. I guess fabric softener might be ok for polar bears, but not for humans.

It's just not safe.

I'm off to find some fabric hardener.

Enjoy!

-DJ

hand smell

Have you ever had one of those days where your hands smell good? Like Play Doh. Or pancakes.

I love it when that happens.

You might look a little strange because you keep sniffing your hands, but it's totally worth it. I don't know why it happens, but I wouldn't complain about it. Unfortunately, you have to wash your hands at some point in time. At least, you should.

Being surprised by a good smell is always a good time. I wish more things smelled good. Like scratch and sniff stickers. Or pie.

I'm off to smell my hands.

Enjoy!

-DJ

worm your way to the top

England has a contest where people try to get worms to come out of the ground. They do this by creating vibrations above the dirt so the worms will freak out and come to the top so they don't have to feel little earthquakes. They call it worm charming, but I'm pretty sure it's really worm freaking outing.

I don't know why people do this. But I can't imagine that it's pleasant for the worms.

Worm 1: So Mortimer, how are you liking this vintage 1947 dirt?

Worm 2: Why Sylvia, it's just charming!

Worm 1: I had a feeling you'd like it.

(sudden earthquake)

Worm 2: What's going on!

Worm 1: I don't know! But let's get out of the house!

(they escape!)

Worm 2: Holy segmented body! What are those giant creatures?!

Worm 1: They're aliens destroying our world! Be still my 5 beating hearts!

See? Not so great, is it! How would you like it if a giant worm started beating your house so you had to run out of it?

I believe I've made my point clear. Dirt tastes better when it's older.

I'm off to charm a worm...wait...that's not supposed to sound like that.

Enjoy!

-DJ