dropping the snow ball

Tonight, things are dropped to signify midnight. Why is midnight so special? I don't know. I think it has to do with some vampire books or something. Oh wait...that's twilight, not midnight. Oh, whatever...

This year, I'm going to drop my head to my pillow to celebrate midnight. I can't guarantee that it will happen at midnight and not 9:30, but that's practically the same time.

Did you know that there are places outside of my bedroom that also drop "stuff"?

In Lebanon, Pennsylvania you can see bologna. Yep. They drop a seven-foot piece of bologna. AND, if you pick it up within 5 seconds, you can eat it. (5-second rule!)

The folks in Wisconsin drop a hunk of cheese. Same rules apply.

Now, if we could just get Indianapolis (the home of Wonder bread, of course) to drop a few giant slices of bread, we could have a sandwich! A giant midnight bologna and cheese sandwich! Vampires would love that!

Maybe you should find something to drop. I dropped my keys this morning. I think that happened around 4:44am. That's pretty much the same as dropping a ball at midnight. I'll call that my celebration. It was a rockin' party. You totally missed out on it. I can barely keep my eyes open...not because I'm tired from lack of sleep BUT because I danced so much...at 4:44am this morning. Yeah...

I'm off to drop the ball.

Enjoy!

-DJ

hold on one second

This year we are adding a leap second to our clocks. It seems people are all sorts of messed up about this. I'm not kidding. I just read an article about the problems people are having with this.

We go by Greenwich Mean Time (GMT) and they'll be adding a second to the year. So, when everybody else is counting down to midnight on New Year's Eve, you should wait a second, then start. You will be right on time.

Unfortunately, there is another way to tell time. With Atomic Power! OOOOOOH! International Atomic Time can give us the most accurate time, but using it will cause an uproar. Why? Because in a thousand years, things will be different by an hour. Yep. I don't understand why it works this way, but instead of the sun being at its highest point at noon, it will be at its highest point at 1pm. Oh, chaos will also ensue.

I really don't understand why we couldn't just move our clocks back an hour to line it up with noon again. Scientists haven't figured out how to do this yet with Atomic clocks. I think it has to do with the fact that they are atomic and will blow up if you try to change them.

Anyway, those mean Greenwich people are going to add a second to the clocks this year, so make sure you change your clocks at home...quickly.

Some scientists are worried about the problems that will arise from adding that second. I'm pretty sure all computers will shut down. Then they will come alive and attack you. I know your computer doesn't have any arms or anything, but it might be a good idea to unplug your mouse and keyboard since your computer can use them as weapons.

I'm just trying to keep you from getting a mouse to the face. That can hurt. Some scientists have said that your computer might actually grow arms and legs, so you might want to keep an eye on it. If, at any point, your computer starts to look like a Transformer, I would smash it with an anvil. That's just what I would do, though. You can do whatever you want. Just don't say I didn't warn you.

I'm off to set my clocks.

Enjoy!

-DJ

recession eve

I wonder if Santa had to let go of some elves because of the bad economy. Do you think some elves are out there right now looking for a job? What kind of jobs would they go for? Clerical? IT?

"So, it says here that you have magic fingers. What does that mean?"

"Well, I can magically put together a toy train."

"Hmmm...yes...I see. But can those magic fingers help if we lose vital information on our network."

"Um...yes?"

"You're hired!"

YAY! It's a Christmas miracle!

Maybe the Keebler elves are looking for help.

"So what can you bring to this company?"

"Well, I'm a magical elf...so...there's that."

"Right. Can you make a sandwich cookie by putting chocolate in between two elf cookies?"

"Um...I can put together a doll...does that count?"

"Yeah...we don't really do that sort of thing here. How are you at customer service?"

"Um...I'm a magical elf?"

"We'll call you."

I guess that's not much of a miracle. Oh well. You win some, you lose some.

I'm off to see if the Lucky Charms guy needs an understudy.

Enjoy!

-DJ

last minute shopping

If you are looking for that last minute gift for the hunter in your family, have I got a treat for you! Ok, so I'm not much into hunting. I'm not a huge fan of guns. I'm more of a light saber sort of guy. I know what you'll say, hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster by your side, but I'm old fashioned like that.

I happened to find this wonderful catalog for hunters. You can order camouflage bedding. Yep. Just in case you are bringing your King-size bed into the woods and you don't want any animals seeing you sleeping.

Another great item is for little kids. According to them, kids love animal heads mounted on walls. I didn't know that. That's the last thing I thought a kid would love. BUT, since they do love that, now they can have their own with these stuffed animal heads that can be mounted to any wall. So, if you hunt stuffed animals, you can proudly show off your trophies.

The best thing about this catalog is that it also thinks about the lovely lady in the male hunter's life. On the cover, next to the waterproof work boots, is a necklace. It is a gold necklace with diamonds in it. It is also shaped like a heart. What better way to say I love than with heart necklace and a fresh kill.

There you go, now I helped you finish all your shopping. Don't say I never do anything for you.

I'm off to hunt for the perfect gift.

Enjoy!

-DJ

one nation under wii

I found this pretty interesting. The headline was "The Nintendo Wii Is More Popular Than God."

Wow. That's pretty bold! I don't think they mean throughout history, but in 2008, Wii beat God in internet searches by 76%.

I guess that makes sense because you already know where to find God, right? I mean, depending on your beliefs, God is everywhere, so it's, like, easy to find him/her/it. I would imagine God hated playing hide and seek.

"9, 10. Ready or not! Here I come! (open eyes) I found God! God's it!"

It's tough to hide when you're everywhere. The Wii, on the other hand, is not that easy to find. So obviously, you would probably have to search for the Wii.

And I'm sure God doesn't care about popularity contests. God's above all that. I bed if God was reading the paper and saw that headline, he/she/it would probably not care.

"Hmmm...Alfred, did you see that the Wii is more popular than I am?"

"I did not see that, God." (I'm pretty sure God has a butler named Alfred...just like Batman. I think God also wears a cape.)

"I bet the Wii can't even make a peninsula...let alone an entire universe."

"I don't believe the Wii can do that, God.”

"You're darn tootin it can't...I still want one for Christmas, though."

"I'll look for it on the internet."

"Thank you Alfred...and maybe you could get me a triceratops for Hanukkah."

HA! I knew I wasn't the only person who wanted one of those!

Did you know that the part of land connecting a peninsula to the mainland is an isthmus? That is such a cool word. I will ride my triceratops over the isthmus onto the peninsula.

I'm off to isthmus.

Enjoy!

-DJ

christmas cards

Ok, so how boring are christmas cards. I mean, it's nice to get them from friends, but they're SO SAPPY! Picture ones aren't TOO bad because they could have a fun picture from a friend, but they still usually say something boring about love and magic and family.

BOOOOOORING!

No offense to anybody who sent me a card. I appreciate being remembered by you and I know your options are limited. The secret greeting card industry has a meeting every year on top of old Smokey to discuss the sappiness of their christmas cards. Usually nobody shows up and they just go with what they got. Well, it is covered in snow, so it's not exactly the best place for a meeting.

This year I decided to spice them up a little bit. Which, after a few of those, I got tired of being spicy so I just said Merry Christmas or something. Eh, I'm lazy. Some folks did get strange messages about popcorn and the color purple and the fact that I want a SUPER AWESOME TRICERATOPS from Santa. See yesterday's blog for details.

Why can't they make cards fun? I know you can buy some with silly phrases on them, but those aren't silly enough for me. Why can't they say stuff like, "Eat lots of cookies when you visit your grandparents because Santa said cookies are good for you and Santa doesn't like to eat cookies alone."

Or, (Front) "The recipe for a good Christmas." (Inside) "Ask for a cookie jar, then fill it with cookies, then eat the cookies, then pass out, then wake up the next morning for presents."

How about this one if you're Jewish: The front just has a picture of a ninja. The inside says, "The Hanukkah Ninja will leave you presents, but ONLY if you remember to light the menorah. If you don't, the ninja will eat all your cookies. And probably do ninja things around your house...like hit stuff with his foot and sword."

Oh well. I guess I'll just deal with good will and all that jazz. OOOOOH! How about a card done in "scat".

(Front) How do you say "Happy Holidays" like a jazz scatter?

(Inside) Scoobie do wop bop bop a shibby dibby do wop pop pop doo doo.

You should hear me sing it. It totally sounds like I'm saying Happy Holidays.

I'm off to scattara dang a boodie doop.

Enjoy!

-DJ

oh my gosh! I soooo want one!

Have you seen Kota the triceratops? You HAVE to buy this! This is the COOLEST toy EVER MADE! You may think to yourself, "The greatest toy ever made is the Hula Hoop." But you would be SO WRONG! Kota could totally eat your hula hoop.

Kota is so cool that he even has his own website. Kota is a triceratops that you can actually ride. No joke. With just 6 D batteries, Kota will walk, roar and eat leafy greens! That's not cool enough? Let me quote you something from the website: "Your kids will enjoy their prehistoric journey by flipping a hidden switch that will play adventure-themed songs." SONGS TOO!!!! HOT DOG!!!

(Editors note: That is not an exact quote from the website. They have some mad typos on there, so I fixed them...which is weird because I never fix my own.)

Imagine riding this thing to school. You would be the coolest kid IN THE WORLD! YOU HAVE YOUR OWN DINOSAUR! HOW CAN YOU BEAT THAT?!

If you're not loving this, we can't be friends anymore. It's a baby triceratops, THAT YOU RIDE! DON'T YOU GET IT!?!?!?!

Well, if you don't get it, just go hula with your hoop and I'll be riding around ON A TRICERATOPS LISTENING TO ADVENTURE-THEMED SONGS!

Then, kota will eat you and your hula hoop. And possibly some leafy greens.

I'm off to ride a dinosaur.

Enjoy!

-DJ

no memory

I don't know if you've heard about this guy HM, but he had a pretty strange memory. He's been famous for years because he could not commit information into his long-term memory. He died recently and donated his brain to science. We now know his full name is Henry Molaison. Scientists love nicknames, so they called him HM instead. Scientists are weird like that. They usually call each other names like "quark" or "phylum" or "anterolateral temporal cortex."

Anyway, Henry had some brain surgery in 1953 and things didn't go exactly as planned. After the surgery, you could ask him to memorize a bunch of numbers and he would. Then, if you asked him about it later that day, he wouldn't even know that he was asked to look at numbers. He couldn't remember what he had for breakfast or lunch or anything.

I'd say that's a pretty scary way to live, but I'm sure there are some good things to go with the bad.

Good:

He forgot the 80's.

He doesn't think he saw Glitter.

He forgot every episode of Baywatch.

Bad:

He could never remember who won Dancing with the Stars.

He couldn't remember how great Spice World was.

He forgot that Darth Vader is Luke's father.

He did help with a lot of research about how our memory works and what we can and cannot do. He could learn new motor skills. So, I guess he could learn to juggle. Or maybe he learned how to play the Wii.

Oddly enough, he thought Eisenhower knew how to play the Wii. That would have been cool if my boy Dwight actually did play the Wii. I'd vote for him again if he was a Wii-man. I know you would too.

I'm off to...I forgot...

Enjoy!

-DJ

tie a tie

I was talking to somebody about objects that are also the verbs used to create them. It's strange that you can "tie a tie" but you don't "belt a belt" or "drive a drive." Why is that? Did ties get their names because that is what you had to do to put it on? Were people just lazy?

I mean, there are many words that could be used to describe this item. It could have been a sloopy. I have to tie my sloopy today. It could have been a fwip. I have to tie my fwip and then put on my jacket. I would have liked calling in a fwip. It sounds more fun that tie. Fwip also sounds like something Spider-Man would do. FWIP!

I guess you also toast bread to create toast. That's almost the same as tie. When you heat up chicken, it's still chicken. If you were going to heat up some vegetables, you don't change their name. Carrots don't become steamies.

Where was I going with this? I don't know. I might go dial my dial or play my play or read a read or write a write to figure it out. I probably won't do any of those things, though...because what I just wrote doesn't even make sense to me. If you can understand what is going on here, well...I don't know what that says about you. I am so completely lost right now.

I'm off to tie my fwip.

Enjoy!

-DJ

beat it

Michael Jackson is having some money trouble, so he's selling his glove. That white, sparkly one. He's actually selling about two thousand different items from his personal collection because he's so poor.

He claims that some of the money will go to charity, but we don't know how much. I have a feeling it's going to be a small percentage.

I'm sure there are many Michael Jackson fans out there who would be willing to pay big bucks for that glove. I am NOT sure if it is the same glove that he's had since he started wearing it or if he has been getting a new one every few years. I really hope he refreshes his glove collection. That glove would be pretty nasty if he's been wearing it for the last thirty years.

I would love to get the monkey glove. Remember bubbles? He used to wear a sparkly glove too. I don't think I would actually touch it because Bubbles may have been wearing that glove for the last thirty years, but that would be SOME collector's item!

I would put it in a glass case and tell guests that it was my monkey glove. Then my guests would bow down to me in amazement.

I wonder if Bubbles is still alive. The stories he could tell! If he could talk, that is. I wonder if he lived the rock star lifestyle. He probably had huge chimp parties at the ranch with all sorts of chimp ladies hanging around. It was like Studio 54...monkey style.

Now you know what I want for christmas. No, not a chimp party. A monkey glove! I suppose a chimp party would be cool too.

I'm off to moonwalk.

Enjoy!

-DJ

eyelids, not just for blinking anymore

China has gotten a lot of bad press over the past year with reports of tainted milk and deadly toys, but their PR people have to step it up a little bit. The Olympics showed their good side, but it seems like they stopped caring after that.

A Chinese martial artist has put China in the public eye again for pulling a car. You may have seen that sort of thing when a really strong guy pulls a truck or something. Well those guys ain't got nuthin' on Luo. Luo attached a rope to a car, and then attached the other end of the rope to his eyelids. Actually, he hooked it into his eyelids. Then, if that wasn't cool enough for the ladies, he pulled the car.

Here's what he had to say about doing this amazing feat, "I really wanted to do something special."

Really? Did you? That's what you came up with? Not saving a baby from a burning building or something? You felt that pulling a car with your eyelids was "something special?"

Luo isn't a one-trick pony, either. He says he can also (kids, don't try this at home) stop an electric fan with his tongue. I don't know how fast this fan is going, but I'm pretty sure if it's going faster than "stopped", then I don't want to stick my tongue in it.

I probably shouldn't make fun of him because it's not like I have any talents, but if I ever decided that I wanted to be good at something, I probably wouldn't risk injury to my body. I'm pretty happy with my eyelids just blinking and my tongue moving around so I can talk.

If you can do something like this guy, I'd LOVE to hear about it. You don't have to send a picture or anything because looking at this guy with hooks in his eyelids has pretty much scarred me for life. I am somewhat afraid to go to sleep.

I'm off to move my car using the gas pedal. Check it out ladies. vroooooom.

Enjoy!

-DJ

valid excuse?

This is brilliant. Some folks have organized a "Day without a Gay" tomorrow. This is not a joke, even though it was thought up by a comedian. A gay comedian. He wants people to "call out gay" for work tomorrow to show the world the importance of the gay and lesbian community. It's true. Look it up. It's been all over the news.

It all started with some prop 8 thing WAY out in California. Now I don't care if you agree or disagree with prop 8 and all it entails, but finding another reason to call out of work is ok with me. I'm just wondering if you are allowed to call into work gay even if you're not. It's almost like faking sick, except you are faking gay.

How can somebody prove whether you were actually gay for one day or not? When you lie about being sick, you always use the "stomach issue" because you can't prove that.

"Yeah, I had this stomach thing going on yesterday, so I didn't come in."

OR!

"Yeah, I had this gay thing going on yesterday, so I didn't come in."

Totally works!

There are some people who might not like this, though. There may be a straight male or female who is actually feeling ill and will call out of work tomorrow. Then everybody at the office will think they are gay. I suppose some people would be upset about that. If your husband or wife gets a strange call tomorrow, then you'll know why.

"Debbie...your husband isn't at work today."

"Yeah, he's feeling sick."

"Are you sure he's not feeling gay?"

"No, but if he is, he's also sick because he puked on the carpet this morning."

"Oh."

I'm off to practice my fake cough...or my fake gay.

Enjoy!

-DJ

no candy

I have decided not to eat candy for the month of December. Calm down. Everything is ok. Breathing into a paper bag might help if you're a little freaked out.

Better now? Good. Why did I decide this? I have no idea. I guess I was bored and wanted to challenge myself. I didn't want to announce it until I was sure I could do it, but I'm pretty sure I can get through it now.

On Dec. 1 I went through denial. I tried to convince myself I was ok without candy. Then, that afternoon, I went through anger. I yelled at the candy aisle in Big Y. It wasn't pretty.

"Rows and rows of candy! Why do you taunt me! WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Then, as security took me outside, I tried to make a deal with them.

Me: "I will buy you guys EACH a Snickers bar if you let me back inside. I swear I will only buy one bag of M&Ms."

Security: "No. We were warned that you might be off your candy. We're here to keep it that way."

Me: "I'll buy you a bag of Kisses! Just give me one!"

Security: "No."

Me: "You'll regret this!"

Thankfully, Big Y security is tougher than I am and may have saved my life...from candy.

On Dec. 2 I woke up depressed. Then, I went to work and accepted my decision.

I have been doing well since then.

I don't know how people get through their days without candy. Luckily, I don't count cookies as candy. No, that's NOT cheating. Cookies are a COMPLETELY different food group. They are a grain. Not a candy.

I'm off to eat more grains.

Enjoy!

-DJ

tales by the fire

I'm a little confused about wood at the Basketball Hall of Fame. There are piles of wood in the basement. I never really explored the place before, but now that work is there, I've found out a few things.

This seems to be wood ready to be put into the fire. Now, it might be fun to work next to a toasty fire, but I'm not sure why it would be needed in a modern business. Is there actually a fireplace? This is definitely fireplace wood. You know, like when you buy a cord of wood. I'm not sure if it is an actual cord because I can't eyeball 128 cubic feet of wood stacked tightly, but I'm going to say it's similar.

So, why would a fame-hall for basketball need wood? Could I actually sit by the fire? Maybe regale you with tales from days of yore?

"Come sit by the fire, children, and let me tell you a story from my youth. I remember a day when video games could only give you 8 bits of data at a time. We called it a Nintendo Entertainment System. I know, strange name, but remember, those were strange times.

We only had two buttons to make our characters do stuff. Sorry, we used to call them characters, now you have avatars that represent you, but back in my day you were an Italian plumber and you liked it.

We also had things called cartridges. You've only seen discs with your games on them, but we had to put one box into another box. It worked well...most of the time. If it didn't, you could blow on it to make it work. And work it did.

Ahhh, kids, the old man is tired. I need to rest my old bones by the fire. Maybe tomorrow I can tell you about the days when we used to listen to cassette tapes. Those will be hard to explain. Boy, do I miss the hiss."

Are you regaled? I thought you might be. I'm too tired to go on.

I'm off to work on my Konami Code. up up down down left right left right B A Start

Enjoy!

-DJ

norad

The North American Aerospace Defense Command is tracking Santa. They have been doing this for years. Why? I have no idea.

For those of you who don't know, NORAD tracks stuff in the sky over North America. They also look at the sky over Canada, but they don't see much there. They see lots of planes. They keep looking to make sure there aren't any missiles flying overhead that shouldn't be there. It's like a helmet for North America...and Canada.

I'm not one to criticize government agencies, but shouldn't they just keep looking for missiles instead of Santa? I mean, I'm pretty sure he's not a threat. I don't know for sure, but he's been pretty consistent with NOT shooting missiles at anybody, so I think we're safe.

I would imagine that NORAD would have to spend more time stopping Matthew Broderick from starting a thermonuclear war. It's true! I saw a documentary on it. It was called War Games.

I guess I can't do much about it. They already have a website up at noradsanta.org and when somebody makes a website, that means it's permanent.

You can go check it out if you want to track Santa. If you want to do something like, say, save the world, talk to Matthew Broderick and find out how you can track missiles.

I'm off to play with WOPR.

Enjoy!

-DJ

no money

It's official! We're in a recession! So...let's have a recession party! Isn't that what people do? You could have a parade and call it a "Recession Procession!" Clever, no?

It's gotten so bad that the CEO of Ford will make his salary $1 a year if he gets money from the government. I can't imagine only getting $1 every year. I think the CEO of Ford has a lot of money saved up, so he'll probably be fine, but what happens when all of us are asked that? After taxes, that's like 64 cents!

"Guess what I bought with my salary this year!"

"What?!"

"A Snickers bar!"

"Hot Dog! Did you get the King Size!"

"no..."

"oh...sorry...wanna bite of my King Size 3 Musketeers?"

"nah...you earned it."

These are rough times. I do hope for the best. I certainly don't want to lose my job and I'm guessing you don't either. Unless you do...well, good luck! If your company has an opening after you leave, let me know. I may need it soon!

If you're looking for some clever ways to save money, you should probably ask somebody else. I'm not exactly a financial advisor. Unless, of course, you would like me to tell you to buy me comic books. That's the best advice I can give!

Oh, and if you want to buy me a sweater vest, I wouldn't say no. I like argyle. I could use some argyle socks too. I'm nothing if not a snappy dresser!

I'm off to buy my one candy bar.

Enjoy!

-DJ

purple potato

Did you do that thanksgiving thing? I did. We had purple mashed potatoes. They were pretty good. I must tell you, if you are looking spice up the colors of your dinner plate, get some purple potatoes and mash them up. My sister found them at the purple potato farmer's market. I believe they have purple farmers as well.

I actually thought she added food coloring to the white potatoes, but I guess they actually grow that way. Maybe the farmers put purple food coloring into the dirt. That would probably work.

We also got to eat some wild turkey and pie. Both were good.

I also found out that a random family will never know how tall I am. A new family lives in the house I grew up in. There used to be a piece of wood in the garage that we would regularly check out height. As a kid you always want to see if you're taller because we have this strange idea that growing up is good. You would think that adults would do a better job of warning us.

I found out that the piece of wood now resides at my sister's house. So, we measured ourselves! Me, my brother and my sister. I found out that I'm the tallest. Trust me, being the tallest hasn't gotten me very far. You remember my new rules for basketball, right? Yeah...tall does not equal good basketball.

That was my thanksgiving. I'm tall and purple.

I'm off to hunt for wild pie.

Enjoy!

-DJ

basketball for thanksgiving

Well, now that my job is located at the Basketball Hall of Fame, I have the opportunity to play basketball whenever I want! How about that!

I totally stink at basketball!

I used to play. That was when I was young and had potential. I could have been anything if I tried. You see how THAT ended up.

Since I stink at basketball and have no real hopes for making to the NBA, I have changed the rules. If you would like with win the Basketball World Series, my rules will probably help.

If you hit the rim or the backboard, you get one point. If the ball goes through the hoop (from the top, not throwing upwards from underneath), then you get two points. And if you get it through the hoop from anywhere behind the three-point line, you get three points!

Not bad, right? You can get points pretty easily. In my head, I got, like, 20 touchdowns and a hole in one. It was awesome.

Ok, now I have to go to thanksgiving. I don't think basketball will be involved. I DO believe pie will be involved. There are no points with pie. Just yummy.

I'm off to practice my dribbling...for the pie of course.

Enjoy!

-DJ

the dancing general

I found the greatest story. It is happening in Thailand, where I guess you do what you're told.

A military general, who used to "bomb anti-government protesters and drop snakes on them from helicopters", has been assigned a new duty.

He now has to "promote public fitness at marketplaces." He has become a public aerobics instructor. Kind of like Richard Simmons...except that he's trained to kill people.

He's pretty miffed about it. I mean, that's like sending Jack Bauer to read children's stories. That would be a pretty mellow season of "24", don't you think?

The best part of the story is what our general has ready for his first day on the job. He said, "I have prepared one dance. It is called the 'throwing-a-hand-grenade' dance."

I wonder if that's anything like the sprinkler?

I have prepared a few dances just in case I have to promote public fitness at marketplaces. The first one is called the "I-can-pretend-to-be-like-spider-man" dance. It's pretty tough, so I'll probably save it for my advanced class.

My beginner class will start with something easy like the "look-at-me-mom-I-can-walk-like-a-penguin" dance.

I will try to think of more. Who knows when the Thai government will want me to promote fitness at marketplaces.

I'm off to work on my grenade dancing.

Enjoy!

-DJ

reunions

Whew...it's been a crazy few days around here, but things are finally settling down so I should be able to get back into the world of blogging for the three of you waiting for it.

I haven't really mentioned it, but I've been getting emails for the past few months about a high school reunion. I guess it is happening this Friday. They think people will be home for Thanksgiving and will want to hang out with their old high school friends on Friday. As you can probably tell, I'm not all that interested in going.

Like many of us, there isn't a whole lot worth remembering about high school. Want to know how big of a dork I was? I used to write for the school newspaper. I did a comic book review. Yep. Want to guess how many people read it? If you said zero, you'd probably be right!

I wrote things like, "Did you read Spider-Man #44?!?! It was awesome! I loved the art! I loved the story! I love Spider-Man!" and "I don't know what is going in Batman, but at least the art is good."

It made about as much sense as a giraffe on a Pogo Ball.

Don't worry, not many people care if I actually show up. Trust me. The class photo, which I had successfully blocked from my memory, was part of the evite. I'm cut out of it. No joke. You can see half of me. I'm on the end of the first row and I'm chopped off. Even the person taking the picture knew to cut me out of my own class photo! That was probably a smart move by the photographer.

Ahhhh...high school memories. How I wish I could call them high school forget-ories.

Did you go to a high school reunion? Was it horrible? I imagine that it would be.

If I'm in the mood for some mental distress, maybe I'll head down there on Friday. I'll go...but only if I see a giraffe on a Pogo Ball.

I'm off to see if they still make Pogo Balls. I loved that toy. Hopefully giraffes don't.

Enjoy!

-DJ

wet leaves

I was driving home from work the other day and it was starting clear up after a rainy morning. I noticed a large pile of leaves in the park and remembered how bad it was when you would jump into the pile only to find a bunch of wet leaves.

Since the sun doesn't hit all the wet leaves at the bottom of the pile, you'll look at a HUGE pile of leaves on a sunny day and think they are perfect for jumping into. Unfortunately, when you jump in, you'll find yourself with a LOT of wet spots that CAN be explained, but that NOBODY will believe.

Other things about piles of leaves are the risk of rocks and sticks. Both of them cause major childhood injuries.

Want to play a good practical joke on somebody? Bake a gigantic cake, put it under a huge pile of leaves and then wait for somebody to jump in. Then they'll have leaf-cake all over themselves! HA! Then you can give them the nickname "leaf-cake" and it will be stuck with them for life!

If you don't want to be that mean, then wait until a sunny day to rake your leaves. That gives the pile-jumpers a better chance of staying dry when they jump in and mess up your pile. You don't want those poor kids getting a nickname like "Lopez-wets-himself." That's just horrible...and kids will never stop calling you that...ever.

It's too bad leaf piles aren't made of fluffy cotton candy.

Yeah...that would be fun.

I'm off to explain this wet spot.

Enjoy!

-DJ

it's not rocket science

It's just a blog. Well...sometimes it's a little like rocket science. I'm pretty sure when a rocket is in science class, it will write words. I also write words, so I'm a little bit like rocket science.

A bunch of folks at the Oxford University in England put out the "most irritating phrases in the English language." How did they decide on these phrases? I have no idea. It could have been 30 people sitting in a room saying things they hate hearing. So, since these 30 English teachers don't like the words, they have become law.

I personally love English teachers. I took a whole bunch of English classes at college. You wouldn't know it from my blog, but I did Minor in English. No joke. I know it's full of spelling and grammar mistakes, but those don't really bother me. I have a fairly unique writing style that does not require correctness. At the end of the day, I just write my blog to make sure the bosses think I'm working.

Now, I bet you didn't know that I just put three of those annoying phrases in that last paragraph! It's true! Would you like the list? Here it is:

1. at the end of the day
2. fairly unique
3. I personally
4. at this moment in time
5. with all due respect
6. absolutely
7. it's a nightmare
8. shouldn't of
9. 24/7
10. it's not rocket science

Most of those phrases don't bother me at all. Well, with the exception of "shouldn't of." That's just wrong. I am going to try to get all those phrases into a conversation. You should try it too!

Me: At the end of the day, I personally believe that candy is absolutely awesome.

You: I agree.

Me: Who couldn't figure out that candy would be the best thing at this moment in time? It's not rocket science! I mean, I could eat candy 24/7.

You: I agree.

Me: I'm scared...

You: Why?

Me: I was just thinking of a world without candy. I shouldn't of. It's a nightmare.

You: I agree.

Me: With all due respect, you don't talk much.

You: I agree.

Me: You are fairly unique.

You: What does that mean?

Me: I have no idea, but I had to get that last phrase in there.

That conversation isn't irritating at all! Those Oxford dinks don't know what they're talking about.

I'm off to study some rocket science.

Enjoy!

-DJ

sandman

I'm not one to do a lot of research before I make definitive statements, so if you think I am absolutely wrong, you might actually be right. That being said, why are there so many "Non-Drowsy" formulas for medicine?

I was at the store the other day looking for some stuffy-head medicine and noticed that nothing will put me to sleep. Well, except the "nighttime sniffling, sneezing, coughing, running, jumping, fluffing, glooping, hacking so you can rest medicine." Since there was no fluffing or glooping going on, it seemed kind of excessive to get all that stuff.

Why does most of the sinus and coughing medicine want me to stay awake? Why do people want to be awake? Work? That's a lame reason. Work is for sleeping.

Why don't they make more stuff with a drowsy formula? I mean, I'm sleeping for a third of the day, so they should make a third of the products with an "Extra-drowsy" formula. Also, it might help you fall asleep at work, and seriously, isn't it the best when you fall asleep at work? It is.

That's all. I just wanted to start a drowsy revolution. Which is probably a bad idea because the revolution won't get out of bed (HA! good one).

I also noticed that they don't actually put a lot of medicine out there. You have to bring a card up to the cashier who will then give you the medicine. I remember when I had to deal with that because I used to work at CVS years ago. I loved that job. It was a lot of fun and they let me have a nametag that said Spider-Man. That was cool.

Anyway, we used to leave out cards for a baby formula. I can't remember why, but I think it had to do with drugs. People would steal it to use the ingredients for something unsavory.

Wait...It just hit me that we were selling a baby formula that people would use to make drugs! What the heck were they putting in that baby formula?!

I honestly don't remember if that was the reason we hid the baby formula in the back, but it was a little strange. I do remember baby formula chugging parties in the stockroom, though. I'm pretty sure there were no side effects.

I'm off to get drowsy...zzzzzz...

Enjoy!

-DJ

stick-man

If you haven't heard the news, the stick has finally secured its place in history. The stick has been inducted into the Toy Hall of Fame. Did you know there was a hall of fame for toys? There is. They already have Crayola crayons, Atari 2600 and the cardboard box there.

Finally, after years of enjoyment and eye injuries, the stick was deemed toy-tastic enough to make it into the hall of fame.

I wonder why it took them so long to put the stick in there. I mean, the cardboard box got in there three years ago. How did the cardboard box beat the stick? I do believe that in a battle of a stick versus a cardboard box, the cardboard box would have its bottom flap handed to it.

I actually have this whole story in my head of a stick fighting a cardboard box. It's pretty epic. If you could see this, you would probably be on the edge of your seat. In fact, they are currently making seats that only have a tiny piece on the edge for you to sit on because that it all you will need. That is how exciting the fight is...in my head.

If it helps you to visualize it, the stick and the cardboard box are HUGE. They are, like, the size of Greenland. So, when they fight, the whole world knows. Their fight takes them to the moon, too. Because moon fights are awesome. The fighting is so loud that it wakes up aliens in another dimension who come over to see what all the ruckus is about. They see the stick and box fighting and run back to their alien homes where it is safe.

So, after the stick wins, it goes to the red-carpet event for its induction into the Toy Hall of Fame. Other famous toys are there, like Mr. Potato Head and a kite. The stick will sign autographs and pretend to be a sword, a wand, a horse, a flag and maybe make an appearance as baseball bat. It will be a grand night.

Back in reality, the stick in now in the Toy Hall of Fame. I'm sure you're excited. Maybe next year we can get the rock in there.

I'm off to play with my stick.

Enjoy!

-DJ

little beach, japan

Hi! Did you know there is a small town in Japan named Obama? I had no idea! How weird is that? Why didn't anybody tell me this? The word obama means "little beach" in Japanese. The townsfolk are now hoping that this Obama win will bring up their tourism.

Could it? Maybe. They could sell t-shirts that say, "I visited Obama" and "My sister went to Obama and all I got was this lousy bumper sticker!"

They could make millions.

Anyway, I read the story and something caught my attention. The mayor of Obama, Kouji Matsuzaki, wants Obama (Barack) to visit his town. Here is the line from the AP story: "He plans to invite Obama to visit Obama, and dispatched a congratulatory telegram to the president-elect."

Do you see it? He sent a telegram. Yes. Who sends a telegram these days?! Seriously?! How do you even send a telegram? Does he think that Obama has a J-38 in his office? (A J-38 is a telegraph. There is no reason you should know that because NOBODY USES THEM!) Can somebody please put up a cell tower in Obama, Japan?!

There is another option, though. The article doesn't specify how the telegram was sent, so perhaps it was send by messenger. If that is the case, then I hope it was a singing telegram.

me me me.....

Congratulations to Obama,
You are now the winna,
Please come to the town Obama
Because that will totally give us a major boost in tourism and will bring in lots of money.

That's the English translation. I think it actually rhymes in the original Japanese. Unfortunately, the only Japanese I know is "Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto" which means "Please hold onto this large jar of cherries for me, Mr. Robot."

I'm off to work on my Japanese Morse Code.

Enjoy!

-DJ

president: secret identity

Did you vote?!?!?!?! Everybody is talking about this election thing! Do you want to know who I'm voting for? Are you sure? Can we still be friends after you see my choice? Ok...if you promise.

I'm voting for...ME!

Yes. I've decided that I'm the best person for the job. My running mate is my teddy bear, "The Mighty Thor," because he understands what the people need. He also has a really cute red ribbon tied in a bow around his neck. Seriously, he's adorable. I figure people would definitely vote for a teddy bear. I don't want to be friends with anybody who could look at a teddy bear in the face and say, "I'm not voting for you."

Wow...that's harsh.

I found these "secrets" about presidents. You can thank PBS for helping me with this. They are little known facts about presidents which may encourage you to run for office yourself.

So, here's a segment we'll call "Did You Know?"

Being the president can be FULL of perks. Thomas Jefferson got a 1,235-pound block of cheese from his fans. Yep. It had a note that said, "The greatest cheese in America for the greatest man in America." Melt that block up, get a few friends and tortilla chips and have a party! Melty Cheese Party!

Millard Fillmore was my kind of fellow. He decided the White House needed a bathtub. So, after years of stinky presidents, he put one in. If he's anything like me, I'm guessing he got some soothing lavender bubble bath and some toy boats and had a nice Friday night to himself. Maybe a few candles around the tubby as well. OOOOH! And a rubber ducky.

James Buchanan wasn't smart enough to get glasses, and we still voted for him. He was farsighted in one eye and nearsighted in the other. He would keep closing one of his eyes to see everything. I looked it up and found out that glasses were around LONG before he became president, so it's not like he couldn't get a pair. And look at that hair! Clearly the man didn't wear glasses.

There are a lot of other little facts, but it would take all day to make fun of all our presidents, so I'll leave that up to you.

Go out and vote for me. Then you can find out about my little secrets. Would you like to hear one? I don't know...it might ruin my chances of winning the election.

Ok...I have a bullet in my shoulder from the Revolutionary War.

Wait...that's not me. That's James Monroe. Close enough!

I'm off to vote for me!

Enjoy!

-DJ

tales from the candy crypt

It's time for Halloween!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is that enough of an exclamation? I hope it is! Since I'm such a nice guy, I decided to help all of those parents out there with children. I guess all parents would have children. You wouldn't technically be a parent unless there was a child. I think I mean parents of young children that are going out trick-or-treating tonight.

I know there are a lot of safety concerns and we don't want the little ghosts and goblins to get hurt, so I have some tips on what you should and shouldn't do tonight.

Now pay attention:

Unless your child is actually a REAL ninja, do not let them dress as a ninja in all black. It's good for them to blend into the night if they are actually fighting off samurais from the Neko clan, BUT if they are going out just to get candy, it's not too safe. Here's the solution: Buy a bright green ninja costume. This way they will stand out against darkness of night. If your green ninja wants to know why they are bright green, just tell them that they would blend in if they were in a huge, open, grass field on a cartoon. The grass on cartoons is usually bright and green. Therefore, we could not see your day-glow ninja.

Pirates are another great costume, but tend to be darker colors. Again, that is not safe at night. Instead, be a Pink Pirate! Pink is easy to see at night, and if you ask any pirate, they will tell you that they wish they could get away with wearing pink. It's true. Have you ever met a real pirate? I have. And they LOVE pink.

If you're going to be a pirate, do NOT bring a real sword around with you. I know it sounds like a great idea, but it's not. Once people start hearing about a real pirate around town, they will lock their doors. When that happens, there is no more candy to get. It's better to be nice to the candy-givers than to threaten them. You want them to keep giving you candy every year. If things get all stabby...well...they might not give you candy next year.

Finally, and this is the MOST important piece of advice you will ever get in your life, so put down your ipods and hoola hoops, kids, because I'm only going to say this once...EAT AS MUCH CANDY AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN AS SOON AS YOU GET HOME. You need as much sugar in your system as you can get so you can make it through the time change on Sunday. Riboflavin, too. Without these two ingredients in your body, I cannot guarantee that you will make it through the time change without any side effects. I've seen a lot of strange things happen to people who didn't overload on sugar and riboflavin before the time change.

I'm only here for your safety. It's a tough job trying to keep the world safe, but it's what I do.

I'm off to watch the green ninjas battle the pink pirates.

Enjoy!

-DJ

halloween memories

Do you remember your most favoritest costume when you were a kid? I think I do. I'm not sure because I can't remember most of them, BUT I do remember one that I loved.

Spaceman!

It was this white suit and helmet with a blue belt and blue plastic visor. I had a ray gun as well. Not a real ray gun, but a fake one that made sounds. Ok, so it didn't make noise unless I made "PCHOOOOOO" sounds, but my sounds were pretty convincing and I think they may have convinced a few people that my ray gun was real.

Of course, once they saw that it was made of plastic, they knew it wasn't real. Everyone knows that real ray guns are made of adamantium. Otherwise they'll melt when being used. Duh.

As a spaceman, from outer space, I probably saved the universe a bunch of times. IN FACT, I think I saved many other universes as well because my space ship could go pretty fast...and had, like, real ray guns and space bombs and pineapple juice on it. Aliens HATE pineapple juice. This is weird, because I love it.

Anyway, I actually remember that costume. I think there are old pictures of me in other costumes for halloween. I'm pretty sure I went as raggedy Andy one year. Maybe it was raggedy Anne. They both look alike to me.

I think I also when out as Ernie one year. I had to wear one of those plastic masks that they don't make anymore because you can't see out of them. They are also gross because all your face moisture stays on the inside of the mask making it horribly uncomfortable. Blindness and face sweat were worth a bag full of candy, though.

So, did you have any wonderful costumes when you were a kid? I wish I could remember more, but I'm pretty sure all that candy messed up my memory. For all I know, I'm just making all this up.

I'm off to play with my ray gun.

PCHOOOOOOO! PCHOOOOOO!

Enjoy!

-DJ

juicy fruit

I am going to be in another play soon (shall I plug? Nov. 7, 8, 14, 15, 21, 22 with Enfield Valley Rep) and I was trying to think of something fun to write for my bio. We get to write little acting bios so people can learn about us. I don't have much to talk about, so I usually make up silly things to entertain people.

This latest one is silly, but true. I wrote that I was inspired to act from a Juicy Fruit commercial. You remember Juicy Fruit, right? It's gum! As I recall, the taste, the taste, the taste is gonna moooooove ya. It was popular in the 80s. Doublemint gum was big then, too. It doubled your pleasure, in case you forgot. Wrigley's had a huge chunk of the gum market in those days.

Anyway, I remember seeing a commercial of some guys chewing Juicy Fruit and polishing something. So I grabbed a rag, a stick of Juicy Fruit and started to polish the stairs. With imaginary polish, of course. That is the earliest memory I have of acting. I'm pretty sure I did it because the guys in the commercial were really happy and I thought polishing would make me happy, too. (Proof that kids do copy what they see on tv!)

It worked! Well, polishing didn't make me happy, but chewing Juicy Fruit did! Polishing is not a fun job, but the gum did in fact "move me" into happy! I believe that is what they mean when they tell me the taste will move me. It moves you from not having fun to having fun. Try it. You'll see.

Since 1893, Juicy Fruit has been helping people smile. I'm pretty sure that Roosevelt was chewing it when he was working on the Panama Canal. That's why he always looked so happy.

Einstein was chewing it when he was working on his special theory of relativity. Juicy Fruit is the reason it is special.

Finally, and you can look this up in the history books, George Foreman was chewing it when he created the Foreman Grill. 100% true. Look at the man! He's happy! Thanks to the Juicy Fruit!

So, why aren't you chewing it right now? It will move you! MOVE! You'll probably make millions of dollars by creating new inventions and ocean-connecting canals!

I'm off to make more horribly inaccurate historical facts.

Enjoy!

-DJ

it's not a costume, it's a uniform

It's time again for my job to have its Halloween Costume Ball. I've decided recently that I'm a little torn about halloween. On one hand, it is a holiday for candy. On the other hand, I have to dress up. Then again...candy...at least there used to be candy.

Yeah. I don't get candy anymore, do I. I can't go to people's houses and ask for treats because I'm too old. I've tried it. They don't like giving out candy to the big kids. You little kids should still go out there and get candy. As much as your little arms can carry. Then get more and drag the bag home. Maybe bring a wagon to hold multiple bags. Wheels on the wagon cause less friction allowing you to carry more. It all has to do with wheels and axles and simple machines. See, kids? Science gives you more candy!

I think I used to love halloween because I would dress up and get candy. Now all I do is dress up. There is no candy. That is why I've been lazy finding a costume for this year's party. I used to get a reward (candy) for putting on a costume. Now I have to put on a costume to work for free. I don't get prizes or anything (pouting).

Last year I was Superman. It was fun. It wasn't very creative, but that didn't matter to me anymore. I tried to be creative in the past, but nobody got the jokes. I used to think up costumes, but I had to explain myself all night.

My big idea this year was to go as a paper clip. I would hold paper all night. I could also be a stapler...and hold paper all night.

I guess the good thing about halloween is that candy goes on sale right afterwards. If I can wait long enough, it'll be 90% off. Unfortunately, that'll probably be the candy that nobody wants. Like candy corn. yuck.

I hate to be a downer, but halloween has beaten me. Do you hear that halloween! You won! I will still eat your candy, but I will not dress up for you!

Maybe I could go as a trick-or-treater and carry around a bag of candy. That way I will have candy all night! Sweet.

I'm off to work on my costume.

Enjoy!

-DJ

caring enough to give the gift of heifer

I'm sure a lot of people don't want to hear about it, but christmas is already in the works this year. I don't do too much for the holiday, so I'm not really getting ready right now, but I do know some people are already done with their gift buying. Might as well get it done early, right!

That's why I'm here. To help all of you folks who want to find the perfect gift for the person who has everything. How about a heifer! That's right, for the low, low price of $500, you can buy your loved one a brand new heifer!

Ok, so you can't EXACTLY do that, but you sort of can. I heard about this before, but I never got the catalog. It is actually called "The most important gift catalog in the world." Yep. The entire world. It's a charitable organization called Heifer International that allows you to buy animals for families in need. I'm pretty sure that most of these families are in different countries, though I haven't seen the statistics. It is possible that a family in southern Nevada got a goat and is enjoying its milk as we speak.

AND, a goat is only one of the many animals that you can buy for people. You can also get pigs, sheep, rabbits, chicks, bees and more. I would like some rabbits. Ya know, if you're looking to get me something. Bees would be nice too.

I don't usually get all sappy and contemplatative...uh...contemplative...er...contemplatating... ...emotional, but it's fascinating to read the stories from these people. There is a story in the catalog about a family that got a goat. Then the goat had kids. Then they sold one of the kids for $200. This allowed them to put a tin roof on their house. And by house, I think they mean a hut of some sort that is made of sticks. Previously, their roof was made of grass. Oh...and they had money left over for the kids to go to school. Not the goat kids, but the actual human children.

Here's what I would do with an extra $200...that I might get from selling a goat. I could buy some DVDs of TV shows I like. Maybe get a fancy new cell phone. Or buy some comic books...which I could then fashion into a roof on top of a fort that I made out of blankets and the couch. So...I'm kinda like that family from Uganda...like, .00001% like them.

I'm not writing this to guilt you into buying a sheep for a family in Ecuador. I can't afford most of the gifts in the catalog. I just thought it was interesting. I'm sure we all forget what it's like in other parts of the world. I'm no different. I guess it's just one of those reminders to be thankful for what we have.

Ugh...too sappy. True, but sappy. Like, just tapping the maple tree sappy.

I'm off to find some pancakes.

Enjoy!

-DJ

the city of homes

I was talking to the traffic guy at work this morning and he asked me what Springfield was called. I told him it was the "City of Homes." I guess he didn't believe me because when we spoke a little later, he told me I was right...after he looked it up online.

Yeah. He thought it was so dumb that I was making a joke. As if I were saying it's the city of trees because it has trees in it. No. Sacramento is the city of trees.

Where did these nicknames come from? Did one of the founders look over Springfield and say, "I see a lot of homes here. You could, in fact, say that it is a city of homes."

To which his companion/sidekick would say, "I agree sir, but wouldn't that be true of all cities?"

And our founder would reply, "No. Only my town has homes. All the others have houses. No sausage for you tonight."

People were mean back then.

Are you interested in some of the other nicknames for our Western Mass cities? Grand! I will tell you!

West Springfield: West Side! Yeah...because it's the west side of Springfield. Another brilliant observation.

Amherst: (there are actually two...and they are gems) A-town and The Herst. Wow...really? Ok, so let's start off with "The Herst." Did somebody think that was cool in, like, 1983?

"Yo, I'm stoked to the max that I'm going to The Herst today. Totally."

Riiiiiight...and I don't even want to start with "A-town." I'm guessing that was an insult because it looks too much like another "a-" word.

Northampton: (another twofer) Hamp and NoHo. Hamp is about as cool as Herst. Scratch that. Hamp about as bodacious as Herst. I'm pretty sure they just stole NoHo from New York.

The final two that I have today are nothing special but I will give them honorable mentions because they are good from a business point of view.

Holyoke is Paper City and Westfield is Whip City. Holyoke is a good supplier of paper and Westfield sells a lot of whips. Which, for some reason, are still in demand even though nobody rides horses. I can't figure that out. I'll have to look it up.

So there you have it. I don't want you to think I'm making fun of Western Mass. I just wanted to keep it local. I could do this all day if I looked at every city in America. Remember Sacramento? It's the city of Trees. Wait...are you saying there are trees there? WOW! That's some keen observational skills! (heavy on the Sacramento sarcasm)

I'm off to The Herst...because it is rad to the max.

Enjoy!

-DJ

the debator

I'm pretty sure that's not a word, but it looks cooler than debater, or one who debates. It sounds like Terminator. "I am the De-bay-tour!" It's more superheroish that way. I guess the superhero would be able to debate really, REALLY well.

Faster thinking than a speeding bullet!

More powerful vocal chords than a locomotive!

Able to convince tall buildings that they can be leapt over in a single bound!

When you can't win an argument, there is only one hero to call. THE DEBATOR!

Ok, so that's a lame power to have. Whatever. I bring this up because the presidential debates are over and it's time to choose. I have noticed something, though. The candidates are kind of like little kids. If you have little kids or if you ever were a little kid, then you probably know what I'm talking about. They don't necessarily lie, but they exaggerate...A LOT. They take something and make sound HUGE.

Mom: Eat your vegetables.

Kid: But mooooooooom! You make me eat vegetables ALL THE TIME!

Mom: You didn't eat any yesterday.

Kid: Well, practically all the time. Enough so it SEEMS like all I ever eat are vegetables.

Heck, I still feel like that sometimes, but that's because I like to whine. What we need is a debate with a moderator who can say, "That's not entirely true. Why not just tell us about your plan instead of making up stuff about your opponent?" Then, if they ever stray from the question, they get a slap to the face.

That's what I'd like to see.

I'd also like to see them chug pudding, but I don't think that'll happen either. I would totally vote for the guy who could chug more pudding. That's pretty much how I think all foreign policy should go. Think of all the problems that would be solved. I see peace in the middle east. It would be nice if Kentucky and Tennessee stopped all that fighting (I had to look at map for that joke...but I think you'll agree that it was totally worth it).

I'm off to eat my vegetables...AGAIN...it's, like, every day with these stupid carrots...

Enjoy!

-DJ

potty time, excellent

I never thought I would talk about this in my blog. I try to stay away from toilet humor just in case kids are reading, but I guess that doesn't matter because it seems to be encouraged! Yes! It's true!

I saw a commercial while watching my Saturday morning cartoons. It was for a doll called "Little Mommy Gotta Go Doll." Can you guess what it does? YES, for the low price of $59.99, it goes to the bathroom! She says adorable phrases like, "I gotta go," or "pee pee in the potty," and, my favorite, "little poo!"

I guess they are marketing this towards little girls because that is who was playing with it in the commercial. At least the doll will also wash her hands after using the potty. Then, you can have her brush her teeth. Of course, according to the description, you will need an adult with wire cutters to get the baby out of the packaging. I guess the baby was locked up for bad behavior. The last time I needed wire cutters, there was a government issue barbed wire fence in my way.

I guess it's fun for a lot of little girls to have dolls and pretend they are the "mommy." There might even be some little boys out there who do the same thing. BUT, do these kids really want the responsibility of potty-training the little buggers? Really? From what I hear, getting a baby to use the toilet is not terribly easy. It's not like putting batteries in a fake toilet. No. There are usually "mistakes" and "messes" that need to be cleaned up. This doll it totally unrealistic.

Also, do kids really shout out "Little Poo!" after going to the bathroom? And if they can, why can't I? I bet if I used the bathroom at work and shouted "Little Poo!" when I walked out I would be fired. If a little baby did that, it would be considered cute. Talk about a double standard. I'm proud of my accomplishments...I have so few these days.

So, that's all. I felt this would be too gross to talk about, but remember, it's not my fault. I didn't make a toy that talks about bladder control. I can't talk about this anymore.

I'm off to find my wire cutters.

Enjoy!

-DJ

columbus

Wow! It's Columbus Day! If you are a kid, you probably have school off. If you are an adult, then you probably still have to work. I remember being a kid and thinking Columbus was awesome for finding America and giving me a day off. Now that I know the whole story, I'm still glad we celebrate it because it reminds me that my brother's birthday is coming up. It's right before Columbus Day.

Do you know why we have huge sales during Columbus Day? It's because Chris was a shrewd business man. When he convinced the king and queen to give him cash to sail across the ocean, he wanted to become "Admiral of the Ocean Sea" and have the option of buying one-eighth interest in any commercial venture in the new lands AND receive one-eighth of the profits. Yeah, the royal folk agreed to this deal because they didn't think he would make it back alive. Clearly there was no IQ test to become a ruler in those days. Hmmm...these days either...

Oh, and they called the Atlantic Ocean the "Ocean Sea" in 1492 because they weren't terribly creative and it was a better name than what they called it one hundred years before. In 1392 it was called "Not Solid Land With Fish In It Place." That was a pain to put on maps, so "Ocean Sea" was chosen.

Columbus sailed across the ocean on the Santa, the Pinto and the Ave Maria. And no, Santa was not on the ship, but they did have presents for people of the new land. Now, Columbus wasn't a very bright man. It's true. He actually thought the Earth was WAY smaller than it really is. He figured a short trip would get him to the Indies. Instead, he bumped into North America. Woops.

He landed in Spangler, Pennsylvania and was so inspired by his journey and the new land that he decided to write and direct amazing movies like Gremlins, Adventures in Babysitting, Home Alone and Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.

The Canadians LOVED his movies so much that they decided to make it their Thanksgiving. They especially like to give thanks for Columbus making Macaulay Culkin such a huge star.

There you go. Now you know why Columbus Day/Canadian Thanksgiving is celebrated every year. So, to celebrate, don't go to school and buy Mrs. Doubtfire at great sale price. And wish my brother a belated birthday if you want.

I'm off to be the Admiral of the Bathtub Ocean Sea...now where's my rubber ducky...er...I mean Commander Duckson.

Enjoy!

-DJ

labelman

I saw that the government has a new superhero. Yeah. They call him "Labelman!" That's how I know it's a boy. The "man" part. Labelman is here to save the day from obesity and indigestion by telling kids to read the Nutrition Facts on the food they eat.

Unfortunately, kids probably won't find Labelman because there is no advertising budget and if you do an internet search for Labelman, make sure you put in "FDA" or you won't find him. If you do find him, you'll see that the government also decided to save money by having an intercompany contest to actually create Labelman instead of hiring an advertising agency or even an artist.

There was probably a poster on the corkboard of the FDA's lunchroom that went something like this:

"Tired of the FBI and CIA getting all the attention? Want to be the envy of everyone at 5600 Fisher Lane? Want to win a jar full of JELLY BEANS? Well it's your chance to create a superhero who can fight the most evil villain in the world: OBESITY!

This will be the biggest thing to happen to the FDA since we were formed in 1906. Well, except maybe for that time when we got the power to stop people from selling radioactive beverages, but that was so long ago that it's not really important anymore.

Remember, you can win A WHOLE JAR OF JELLY BEANS!

Here's what you have to do:

Create a superhero to teach children about healthy eating,

Submit you drawings with your name and badge number,

Wait patiently for approval from the president,

Then, one of you will win JELLY BEANS!

Get to it you crazy, creative FDA maniacs!

Did we mention JELLY BEANS!"

I make fun of the FDA for a reason. Labelman is basically a rectangle with arms, legs and a face. On the body of said rectangle is a picture of the Nutrition Facts that you see on food. That's it. He's a Nutrition Facts label with human features. Oh, and his eyebrows float above his eyes. I don't know what they're attached to, but they seem work just fine. It also looks like he blinks upward. It's hard to explain, but his eyes are half closed with the bottom lids going up. I don't quite get it.

You're right. I shouldn't make fun of the person who made Labelman. I admit that if I were asked to make a character, it would have probably been a stick figure with a word bubble above its head that said, "Hey Kids! Don't eat junk! Eat healthy food!"

I also would have handed that in to the president in an attempt to win the jar full of jelly beans.

So remember, when the world is at risk from high sugar and saturated fat, Labelman will come and save the day with high fiber and protein.

I'm off to read my nutrition facts.

Enjoy!

-DJ

sparkles

Whew...it has been too long since I've blogged. I'm sorry about that. This has been a very crazy week for me. That is what I am here to tell you about!

So, you may have heard that I was an extra in a movie. For two whole days! Wow! It's true. I was "Pedestrian 185" for the movie they were filming in Northampton. They liked my pedestrianing so much on Tuesday that they asked me to come back and pedestriate again on Wednesday. You should have seen me walk up and down the street in Northampton, you would have thought that I was walking my whole life. And you know what? You'd be right!

It was fun. I have never been involved with a big budget movie, so I was interested in how the whole thing went down. For an extra like me, it was a whole lot of standing and walking. And no, I did not see Mel Gibson. I didn't really care if I did. I think most of the extras just wanted to try out the whole "extra" thing. I talked to a lot of people and nobody really seemed to care if they met Mel. Most people just wanted to do something different. A lot of them were folks in the Screen Actors Guild and they were just trying to make a living from acting and being an extra is a good way to get some cash. I don't envy them. It has to be tough trying to make it in the movie business.

You wanna know who didn't have fun? A lot of folks from Northampton. There were a LOT of unhappy pedestrians. Not paid pedestrians like me. People who just walk for free (why would anyone walk for free???). What was interesting was listening to some of the people who were supposedly upset. I was set up on the street and people could sit to the left of me and they would be out of the camera shot. They were complaining about the movie being made there, but they sat there forever watching the whole process. This happened with a whole bunch of people. They sat and complained and watched me walk up and down the street. I guess they were so mad about the inconvenience that they couldn't move. Sometimes I get so mad that I'll hold my breath, so I can understand where they are coming from.

Overall, I had a nice couple of days getting paid to walk. We had to fill out legal stuff so we could get a check sent to us. The cool thing was that the sheet had a spot for us to put our "actor name." I put down Sparkles. So if you see the credits for Edge of Darkness, look for the name Sparkles. I was thinking of making it Sparkles McAwesome, but I don't think I could fool anybody into thinking that I'm Irish.

I'm off to pedestriate. I really hope that word doesn't mean something bad.

Enjoy!

-DJ

here's a stick, kid. enjoy.

A friend of mine is going through her quarter-life crisis and is learning how to play guitar. I'm not saying that to make fun of her. I've been going through mine for a few years now. I'm probably entering my three-tenths crisis right about now. I really need to get over it. I mean, I've started taking dance classes. That's like trying to teach a rainbow lorikeet how to plow a field.

Anyway, she decided to learn how to play guitar, take french classes, learn piano, maybe some acting classes, knit for money and herd sheep blindfolded. The important one is that she is learning how to play guitar, which is totally cool because it can help her pick up chicks. It didn't help me do that in college, but I know, if you're any good at it (I'm not), that it can make the ladies swoon. I don't know if her boyfriend will get jealous, but that's what happens when you're dating a rock star. Just ask Jennifer Anniston.

We were talking about those wonderful days in kindergarten when it was music day. There were a bunch of percussion instruments in a plastic bin and you would rush to get the ONE tambourine only to end up with a stick.

For those of you who might not know, a percussion instrument is one that requires hitting. Like drums. Or my head. Both make thud sounds.

I don't think I ever got the tambourine, BUT I would sometimes get a stick and a block so I could keep time with Mary Had a Little Lamb. I rocked that song harder than any of ewe. (HA! Get it? A sheep is a ewe? Mary had a lamb? sigh...I tried.)

SO, what really got us talking was the "bumpy stick" instrument. Did you have these? It was a stick that was bumpy. You could slide it across the edge of a table and it would go "brdubrdubrdubrdubrdu." It looked a little like the coil of a notebook wire. I have no idea how else to explain it. I just remember enjoying it because you could slide it over the edge of a block AND hit the block. It was like two instruments in one! Take that tambourine!

Ok, so the tambourine could be hit AND it would jingle. That's a little bit cooler than the bumpy stick, but I'd like to see tambourine-players use the tambourine in bar fight. They would just get laughed at. Bumpy stick could whack somebody over the head AND then you could slide it over the corner of the bar to make a noise. Kind of a like an "I just beat down your tambourine! brdubrdubrdubrdu! Sucka!" Oh yeah...that's rubbing kosher sea salt into the wound.

Whew...I should really calm down. I think I have a lot of repressed anger from those music days in kindergarten. I think that's why I never actually became a rock star. It's because I never got the tambourine on music day. Yeah...we'll go with that stup...uh...BRILLIANT excuse.

I'm off to herd sheep. Where's my blindfold? Oh...it's on...heh...no wonder I couldn't see it. (I'm on fire today!)

Enjoy!

-DJ

new hampshire

I went for a short trip to New Hampshire this past weekend. I'm not one to go on vacation a lot because it usually costs money. That makes it hard to do anything. Luckily, I found a great internet special that got me two nights at the hotel for only $40. Nice, right? Well, I didn't go alone, and that's kinda why it was so cheap.

The trip was to Waterville Valley. It's a very small ski town in New Hampshire that I used to go to as a small child. My family liked to ski. I even liked to ski when I was younger. Now I wouldn't ski if you paid me in gummy bears. Unless it was a mountain of gummy bears equal to or greater than the mountain that you wanted me to ski on.

I haven't been there in many years and wanted to check it out again. Things are never the same as you remember them. For example, the pond was empty. Yeah. It is now a big hole. I think they are going to fill it up again, but they're doing some work on it.

Also, the pizza place didn't have the same arcade games that they used to. I wasn't expecting it, but I was hoping. I loved the pizza place because it was one of the last places ON EARTH that had the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles arcade game. They definitely had it during the mid '90s, but I guess they decided to update the arcade a little bit. It's possible the game blew up from being so awesome and they couldn't replace the parts anymore because it was so old. That happens a lot.

I also slipped while I was hiking and got scrapes on both of my forearms. It was cool because it looked like I had racing stripes. I felt like The Flash...except I couldn't run very fast and my arms hurt. I guess having racing stripes doesn't make you run faster, it just makes you look cooler.

The leaves were also cool because they were very colorful. I think it has to do with the explosion of a crayon factory in the area. It got into the soil and made pretty trees. I liked it. I wish crayons would blow up everywhere.

Overall, it was a pretty sweet trip. Partly because they had some great candy there, but mostly because it is a really cool place to go. You should check it out. I think you'll like it.

Hopefully I'll get up there again when there isn't a hurricane. And maybe the pond will have water in it. And maybe, just maybe, the Ninja Turtles arcade game will be back at the pizza place after getting fixed.

I'm off to clock my running speed.

Enjoy!

-DJ

magic

I enjoy magic. It's fun. I know it's illusions and silliness, but it's illusions and silliness that I can't do, so it's fun to watch somebody else do it.

I like the classics. Pulling coins out of your ear or picking the right card out of the deck. I would like to know how to get coins out of people's ears because then I could have lots of money. I would just pull big bills out of people and keep it.

"OOOH! Look what came out of your head! A twenty dollar bill!"

"WOW!"

"See ya!" (running away)

Ha! They wouldn't know what hit them. I bring this up because of David Blaine. I heard about his "hanging upside-down" trick and saw that the ending was a dud. Before I get to that, I want to say that David Blaine seems like a decent magician.

I went on youtube to find the lame ending to his trick, but instead a bunch of his "street tricks" came up. He does this one where he steals your watch when he's doing a card trick. It's funny. I'd probably punch him in the face if he did it to me, but that's because I usually keep my watch in my pocket and that would be rude.

So, are you ready for the big finale to his "I'm gonna hang upside-down" trick? He was supposed to dive from a 44-foot high platform and before he hit the bottom he would be carried away by balloons. Instead, he just jumped down, not really a dive, hung there for a moment and then floated away. It was pretty lame. I have a feeling that if he dove, it still would have been pretty lame.

His "illusions" aren't really illusions at all. Is hanging upside-down really an illusion? He lived in a fish tank for a few days a while ago. Is that really an illusion? I don't think so. I don't get the trick. It's more like performance art. Which is all fine and dandy, but don't tell me it's an illusion. UNLESS he wasn't really hanging upside-down or living underwater and was, in fact, sitting on a couch eating Sun Chips. That would be a good trick, but I don't think that's what happened.

Let me tell you about REAL magic. Harry Potter. Yeah. Try THAT David Blaine. I'd like to see you fight off Chris Angel by yelling "Expelliarmus!" I bet that would do a whole lot of NOTHING! BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT HARRY POTTER!

I bet he can't even play quidditch. Pffft...loser.

I'm off to platform nine and three quarters.

Enjoy!

-DJ

put the lime in the cocoa butter

I went to the store this weekend and needed lip balm. That's not that only thing I needed, but I don't think you want my entire grocery list. Heck, I even bought stuff that wasn't on the list...like cookies...twice.

Anyway, I chap easily, so I generally have lip balm with me. I usually get a plain one or that minty bert's bees one, but this time I found something awesome.

Lime Rocket. SHOOOOOOOOOM!

Well, the shooooom isn't really part of the title, but if there were an actual lime rocket, I imagine it would blast off with a shooooom sound.

In my glossy excitement, I purchased my certified organic lime rocket lip balm. After the excitement wore off, I realized I might have bought a girl product. I'm not sure, though.

Lime is a manly scent, isn't it? I like the smell of lime. You might see a lime playing football. Limes enjoy a good mexican beer. Limes get into bar fights a lot. I've seen limes play with hammers and smash stuff. Those are all generally manish things, right?

Why do I think it COULD be for the ladies? It's in a larger container which could mean it's meant for a purse instead of a pocket. It smells like lime. I know that was my man defense, but it would work for women too. And it's not just any lime smell, it's a pretty lime smell. Also, I've seen limes in high heels. Limes enjoy watching Grey's Anatomy. I've even seen limes wearing lipstick.

So, you can clearly see my dilemma. I'm still going to use it, though. It smells like lime candy. I like lime candy. I want lime candy smell under my nose. I bet you do too. If you say you don't, you're lying. Limes don't like it when you lie. Or steal. So don't take my lime rocket.

I'm off to smell my lime-lips.

Enjoy!

-DJ

text factor

Did you see that study about texting and driving? If you didn't, it said that texting while you are driving is bad. Very bad.

They got a bunch of kids 17-24 and had them in simulators and checked their reaction time behind the wheel. They found that texting slowed their reaction time by 35%. They also tested reaction time with marijuana and alcohol. Marijuana slowed their reaction time by 21% and alcohol slowed them down by 12%.

I'm wondering what they used for the simulator. Is it a video game? I love those racing games at the arcade. I wish I had one. Maybe at the dinner table. I could eat and drive at the same time.

I also liked that skateboard simulator game. That was cool, too. If you never played it, go find it somewhere and enjoy.

Anyway, I was thinking about that study and wondered how people got involved in it. When I was in college and I was looking for some summer work, I remember thinking about one of those sleep studies. It paid pretty well, but I think I would have been uncomfortable sleeping with a bunch of people staring at me. And who knows what they would do. They might have dipped my finger in warm water. Or maybe written a naughty word on my forehead with a Sharpie. Or covered me in shaving cream. Or made fun of my Superman jammies.

So, what did the ad say for this study?

"Hey, kids! We need men and women between the ages of 17 and 24 for a fun study! We have cell phones, alcohol and pot! We also have video games! WOW! Not only that, but we'll pay you! Text us your info and we'll call you back! Remember, it's for science! Hooray for science!"

Yeah. That might have gotten a few responses. I wonder if they would have let me play video games in my jammies. Hmmm...that does sound enticing.

I'm off to donate my body to science.

Enjoy!

-DJ

psycho-pirate

It's "talk-like-a-pirate" day today. I bet you didn't know that. Nobody does. That's only because Hallmark hasn't made a card yet. But really, do you want a card about talking like a pirate?

(front of card)

Roses be red, matey
Violets be blue
Arrrrrrr

(open the card)

Geeve me all yer gold or I'll burn down yer village!

Wow...that's...um...sweet?

(front of card)

'tis time to talk like a pirate.
And, to help you get into the mood,
we brought you an eye patch and a peg leg

(inside of card)

now stand still so we can get rid of one of those eyes and that pesky leg of yours!

Woah! That's kinda violent! I'll have to look for a nicer card.

(front of card)

romance is in the air
when we're sitting on the bench
I'll talk to you like a pirate

(inside of card)

and call you may wen...

...OH! I can't give that to somebody! Really? Is that supposed to be nice?

Hmmm...I think I'll just stick to saying "Arrrrrrr!" a lot.

I'm off to shiver me timbers...not that I know what it means.

Enjoy!

-DJ

i communicate with ants

Ok, that's not entirely true, but I know people who can! They told me that ants love to chat about current political events. It's all "Obama this" and "McCain that" and "Who has the better economic philosophy to help us with the collapse of the subprime mortgage market and credit crunch?" Frankly, I find it a little boring.

Ready for the big news? We have a new member of the ant family! It's true! My ant-talker friend, we'll call him Scott (comic book reference), told me that they found a brand new ant! Yeah! Isn't that exciting!

It was roaming around some fungi in the Amazon rainforest looking for the latest issue of "Politics Today" when some scientists realized we haven't seen an ant like this before. How did they know? Well, can't you look at an ant and tell whether it's a Leptanillinae or an Aenictogiton? I thought you could. So can the scientists. They noticed this little ant was different from all the other ants out there and decided to do a DNA test.

Guess what? It's the father!

Ha! No, it's not the ant version of Maury. They actually found out that this was probably one of the oldest species of ant ever. Dating back 120 million years. That's one crazy old ant family. They might have been around for the first election ever. They may have voted for Washington himself! I know, that's a loooooong time ago. I wonder if they had TV then? Hmmmmm...

They call this new ant the "ant from mars" because it's green and travels in little flying saucers. You might wonder why we haven't seen them all around the world if they can fly anywhere they want. Well, the little saucers have VERY little gas tanks, so they can really only go about a meter before they have to fill up. Hey, to an ant, that's, like, around the world!

So, if you're a myrmecologist, then you probably know all about this and are already having a "we're excited because we haven't found a new species of ant since 1923" party, but if you're an ASPIRING myrmecologist and you didn't know about it, I'd suggest looking up real information about this new ant and not using this blog as science fact. It is in my head, but not always to real people.

I'm off to lift 50x my own weight...oh, wait...I mean 1/50th my own weight...yeah...that seems doable.

Enjoy!

-DJ

souperman

I think flu season is coming. Why do I think that? I may have had a flu-like problem yesterday. Isn't there a 24-hour flu? I hope that makes me immune to the flu for the rest of my life. That would be swell.

Have you ever had those days where all the weird stuff happens at once? That was my yesterday. I might have had a better handle on it if I didn't have the thing that I'm calling the flu.

I came into work and felt ill. I wasn't sure, though, so I had Dina (the morning co-host/mother I work with) use her motherly powers to check. We both put aside our boundary issues for a few seconds and she checked my forehead. I wanted to find out if I was hot. It turns out I was only warm.

That's how I know if I'm sick. Usually, I'm totally hot (ha!). When my forehead said that I was warm, I knew something was amiss.

I decided to get soup before I went home. I was at the soup store when I remembered that I also needed peanut butter. That's important later on the story. I'm slightly delirious while I'm putting peanut butter in my carriage when a girl comes up to me and asks if I can help her. I'm pretty sure I told her that I wasn't actually employed by the soup store (with peanut butter), but she kept talking.

She actually gave me a card and wanted me to sell insurance or something. I think I agreed to sell insurance, but it's all pretty hazy. I know this really happened because I have a card with a girls name and number on it.

Then I went to the register. The lady there was very nice and very talkative. Not in a bad way, just very friendly.

Unfortunately, as you may recall, I wasn't quite all there.

There was a conversation about coupons that confused the heck out of me. Then she asked me why I was buying four jars of peanut butter. In my head, buying four jars makes complete sense because I don't want to have to buy it for a few weeks. Here's what I remember from yesterday's conversation:

Register lady: (a lot of words and something about coupons)

Me: yeah. (in confused agreement)

Register lady: Ok, so what's the deal with all the peanut butter?

Me: uh...I like peanut butter?

Register lady: (a lot of words and something about chex mix...the baked ones....I totally remember her making sure I knew they were baked)

So, yeah. Did that conversation make sense to you? It shouldn't have. That's pretty much all I can remember before going home and falling asleep while watching Skunk Fu. (you may recall that I was going to tape cartoons on saturday and watch them during the week...well...Skunk Fu had the honor of being one of those shows)

Have you ever had a day like that? I have no proof that ALL of those things happened, but I'm fairly confident that they did.

I had the soup and today I feel a little better. Just in case, though, I'm not going to go out anywhere. I'm afraid of the conversations that might happen. Who knows what I'll agree to!

I'm off to fall asleep to cartoons.

Enjoy!

-DJ

saturday mornings

I like cartoons. Unfortunately, I don't have cable with cartoons. I get the networks and that's about it. It's expensive to get all those other channels and I don't need a lot of the channels in those packages. I only need the ones with cartoons. They should have the cartoon package...for me.

So, to watch cartoons, I have Saturday morning and that's it. How stinky is that? I remember growing up and having cartoons on every afternoon! They had the Disney afternoon with Duck Tales and Rescue Rangers and Tail Spin. There was also the WB afternoon with Tiny Toons and Animaniacs. How great was that? I didn't have to spend money to get cartoons and they started right at 3pm so I could watch them when I got home from school.

Now that I get out of school...or work...early in the day, I could still watch cartoons, but they don't have them! Is that because there are so many cable choices? Do they really get better ratings by showing Maury and Jerry instead of cartoons? That's too bad. I can't stand those shows. I really want to watch cartoons. I suppose kids can go outside and get exercise or something. wooo…exercise...that sounds fun...

I guess I could tape all of the shows on Saturday morning and watch a few shows a day, but I don't wanna. I wanna watch a bunch of cartoons every day after school! I don't wanna go to school! I wanna play nintendo!

Oh...uh...sorry...started to whine there. I guess I bring this up because Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles has new episodes starting this weekend and I'm excited. I would tell you all about it, but I'm pretty sure you don't care...but just in case, they're back to the present. The show was much better that way. When they were in the future, it stunk, so we'll see if it's back to being awesome. I'll let you know.

So, I guess I have to go home and NOT watch cartoons.

I'm off to set the dvr for Saturday morning.

Enjoy!

-DJ

secret invasion

Science is fun! I just wanted to yell that first. Ahem...

So, it's getting close to black hole time! The large hadron collider is up and running in Europe and soon it will start making protons hit one another and hopefully make tiny black holes so we can study what happens when we have little big bangs.

I know what you're thinking, and yes, physicists are bullies. Why else would they make protons beat each other up? These poor, defenseless protons are just swirling around having a good time, and those scientists with doctorates (more like dorktorates) are making them fight. For their sick enjoyment.

On the plus side, it will be really cool to find out if there are other dimensions and maybe find the Higgs boson so we can explain that pesky problem with the standard model of particle physics. That nags at me every night. You too? I hear ya. It's like, I could get so much done if only that Higgs boson could be found. I'm sure I would be a huge success in life if I could only stop obsessing over the missing Higgs boson.

I have decided to use the Higgs boson as a scapegoat.

Anyway, there are some folks who are afraid that making little black holes will end the world. The science saying otherwise is pretty convincing. These black holes will be tiny and only be around for a fraction of a second. When I say fraction of a second, I mean fraction in the smallest sense of the word.

I know what their real worry is. Alien invasion.

Let me explain. We create little black holes, right? Ok, so maybe one of them gets out and starts up a quiet life in a small farming village in Germany. It doesn't cause any problems because it's quiet and keeps to itself, so nobody really notices. Plus, it's microscopic. So, das black hole starts spinning and creating a tiny universe and a tiny galaxy with tiny planets. These tiny planets will quickly have creatures that evolve into intelligent beings. Why? Because when things are tiny they evolve faster. Blame it on Higgs. Then these tiny people will get into tiny spaceships and attempt to attack the human race.

There will be one small problem though.

They're tiny and their spaceships are shaped like mosquitoes. We constantly swat them when they try to inject us with their tiny planet poison and they die. If they do inject us, it's such a small amount that it only makes us itch a little.

So, if you're worried, don't be. We have bug zappers that will take care of this pesky alien invasion.

We DO have to worry if they start making bigger black holes. But they can only do that if they get the super-sized hadron collider, and that's, like, 39 cents more. They pretty much spent all their money on this large one. Maybe if they look in the cushions they can find some change for another dollar-menu collider like the Fermilab one, but they should probably save it.

I know, I know...a dollar is more than 39 cents, but I really wanted to get a joke in this blog about Fermilab and that's the best I could do. Let's assume that they already bought the large and they can't get the super-sized collider until they save up at least $5.59, so it's better to just go with the dollar. Make sense? I thought not.

I'm off to collide hadronically.

Enjoy!

-DJ

taking off your uniform

I felt the need to tell you this story. Something weird happened this weekend. I'll explain it the best I can. This is 100% true. I know sometimes I might stretch the truth a TINY bit, but not this time.

Do you order stuff off amazon.com? I like it. It's easy and I can get stuff pretty cheap. Now, I usually order cds, comic books and graphic novels. That's really all I ever get. Maybe I'll get a gift for somebody or something, but that's rare because I would rather spend my money on me. Wouldn't you? I thought you would.

So, amazon has these "gold box deals" that pop up daily and it's a little extra savings on certain products. It has a section at the bottom where it will show me some comics and cds that are similar to what I have on my wish list at 35% off instead of 30% off or something like that.

Does this all make sense? I felt the need to explain all this for people who didn't amazon stuff.

Now, onto the weirdness. I have to tell you about TWO of the items in my gold box. NEVER have I had anything this strange in my gold box. I haven't even ordered anything that would hint at my interest in these two items. I swear.

The first one was a chainsaw. What?! Really?????? A chainsaw? What on my wish list could possibly imply that I want a chainsaw? I mean, was it Batman? Maybe the X-Men comics? I don't even think I'm strong enough to lift a chainsaw, let alone try to actually cut down a tree with one. I like trees. I don't want to cut one in half. I'd probably hug a tree, but I don't think chainsaws can be used for that.

The other thing...I swear I don't know why this popped up...was Nude Aerobics 2. Yep. I guess the demand was so high after part 1 that they decided to make a part 2. It is a VHS tape from 1993 and it is what it says it is. It is an exercise tape. First of all, why does my gold box think I exercise? Sure I read Superman, but I'm not trying to LOOK like him! Also, if I were to actually work out, I would wear clothes. Why? I don't know, it just seems like the way to go...and I think the gym has rules about that sort of thing. I'm not sure, but people have always had clothes on when I go there.

So, yeah. I haven't checked yet today, but I hope gold box has figured out that I would much rather have deals on comic books. I don't want to work out so I can lift a chainsaw. I really don't want to use a chainsaw unless I'm wearing clothes...or protective goggles at least!

I'm I little scared to find out what it will say, but I'm off to check my gold box deals.

Enjoy!

-DJ