Did you vote?!?!?!?! Everybody is talking about this election thing! Do you want to know who I'm voting for? Are you sure? Can we still be friends after you see my choice? Ok...if you promise.
I'm voting for...ME!
Yes. I've decided that I'm the best person for the job. My running mate is my teddy bear, "The Mighty Thor," because he understands what the people need. He also has a really cute red ribbon tied in a bow around his neck. Seriously, he's adorable. I figure people would definitely vote for a teddy bear. I don't want to be friends with anybody who could look at a teddy bear in the face and say, "I'm not voting for you."
Wow...that's harsh.
I found these "secrets" about presidents. You can thank PBS for helping me with this. They are little known facts about presidents which may encourage you to run for office yourself.
So, here's a segment we'll call "Did You Know?"
Being the president can be FULL of perks. Thomas Jefferson got a 1,235-pound block of cheese from his fans. Yep. It had a note that said, "The greatest cheese in America for the greatest man in America." Melt that block up, get a few friends and tortilla chips and have a party! Melty Cheese Party!
Millard Fillmore was my kind of fellow. He decided the White House needed a bathtub. So, after years of stinky presidents, he put one in. If he's anything like me, I'm guessing he got some soothing lavender bubble bath and some toy boats and had a nice Friday night to himself. Maybe a few candles around the tubby as well. OOOOH! And a rubber ducky.
James Buchanan wasn't smart enough to get glasses, and we still voted for him. He was farsighted in one eye and nearsighted in the other. He would keep closing one of his eyes to see everything. I looked it up and found out that glasses were around LONG before he became president, so it's not like he couldn't get a pair. And look at that hair! Clearly the man didn't wear glasses.
There are a lot of other little facts, but it would take all day to make fun of all our presidents, so I'll leave that up to you.
Go out and vote for me. Then you can find out about my little secrets. Would you like to hear one? I don't know...it might ruin my chances of winning the election.
Ok...I have a bullet in my shoulder from the Revolutionary War.
Wait...that's not me. That's James Monroe. Close enough!
I'm off to vote for me!
Enjoy!
-DJ
Showing posts with label president. Show all posts
Showing posts with label president. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Friday, August 22, 2008
things to remember
I don't talk about politics too often, but this was just so silly that I had to bring it up. I'm not taking any sides, but this was funny. Did you hear about John McCain's little "I forgot" moment? Yeah, he couldn't remember how many houses he had. Now this could have been said by any insanely rich person, but McCain said it first in front of the press, so he gets all the jokes.
I have heard of things like "baby brain" where a woman becomes forgetful after giving birth. I have decided that there is now something called "McCain brain" where you forget about huge, important things in your life. For example, how many houses you own. It just shows how far removed our candidates are from the average person. If I were to ask anybody I know how many houses they owned, I would get the answer of either zero or one (with a mortgage).
So, here are a few things that you should NEVER forget if you are running for president if you want to relate to the common person:
How many houses you own - if you can't remember this, you might be too rich
How many children you have - if you can't remember this, you probably have too many or aren't very good at parenting.
How many jobs you have - and we don't want cheesy answer from our candidates like "well, running for president feels like 5 extra jobs." No, because some people actually work 5 jobs, so you're not funny. We hate that. Just say you have one job. We don't care if you do it, but don't joke.
Why people can't tell that Clark Kent and Superman is the same person - as it was clearly explained many years ago, he changes his voice and vibrates his head ever-so-slightly so you can't clearly see that they are the same person. duh.
Now, here are some things that you can forget because we all forget these things:
How many grains of sand there are in the world - we will forgive you for not knowing that because nobody does
How many comic books you have - who can remember that? I'm sure you all have more than a thousand, so don't worry about keeping track.
What you named your kids - that's easy to forget, so it's ok if you don't remember them, but, as previously stated, you should at least know the number of kids you own. Who cares what their names are, it's not like we want to talk to them. And if we do we can just yell, "Hey! Kid of presidential candidate! Come here!" See? That works.
The fact that leeches secrete an anticoagulant called hirudin when they suck your blood - sure we all know that, but we don't expect you to remember it.
So, McCain, Obama and other candidates that nobody remembers, there are your tips for running a smooth campaign. I just don't want you to get caught with your pants down again. Well, if THAT actually happened, I'm sure you wouldn't be in the campaign anymore. And it would be pretty funny.
I'm off to run for president.
Enjoy!
-DJ
I have heard of things like "baby brain" where a woman becomes forgetful after giving birth. I have decided that there is now something called "McCain brain" where you forget about huge, important things in your life. For example, how many houses you own. It just shows how far removed our candidates are from the average person. If I were to ask anybody I know how many houses they owned, I would get the answer of either zero or one (with a mortgage).
So, here are a few things that you should NEVER forget if you are running for president if you want to relate to the common person:
How many houses you own - if you can't remember this, you might be too rich
How many children you have - if you can't remember this, you probably have too many or aren't very good at parenting.
How many jobs you have - and we don't want cheesy answer from our candidates like "well, running for president feels like 5 extra jobs." No, because some people actually work 5 jobs, so you're not funny. We hate that. Just say you have one job. We don't care if you do it, but don't joke.
Why people can't tell that Clark Kent and Superman is the same person - as it was clearly explained many years ago, he changes his voice and vibrates his head ever-so-slightly so you can't clearly see that they are the same person. duh.
Now, here are some things that you can forget because we all forget these things:
How many grains of sand there are in the world - we will forgive you for not knowing that because nobody does
How many comic books you have - who can remember that? I'm sure you all have more than a thousand, so don't worry about keeping track.
What you named your kids - that's easy to forget, so it's ok if you don't remember them, but, as previously stated, you should at least know the number of kids you own. Who cares what their names are, it's not like we want to talk to them. And if we do we can just yell, "Hey! Kid of presidential candidate! Come here!" See? That works.
The fact that leeches secrete an anticoagulant called hirudin when they suck your blood - sure we all know that, but we don't expect you to remember it.
So, McCain, Obama and other candidates that nobody remembers, there are your tips for running a smooth campaign. I just don't want you to get caught with your pants down again. Well, if THAT actually happened, I'm sure you wouldn't be in the campaign anymore. And it would be pretty funny.
I'm off to run for president.
Enjoy!
-DJ
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