in case you're interested in my year

A lot of people write letters to their friends and family about what they did during the year. Or maybe they talk about their kids or their pets or whatever. Well, I decided to do one to! So, this is what I sent out with my xmas cards this year. And I just HAD to share it with everybody!

Christmas Letter 2010

So the year started off pretty normal. Then the vortex came. Granted, the psychic goose told me to expect a rift in time/space, but not so soon!

So, in January, I had to take a few days off of work for extra-dimensional adventures. The world of XhrT was under the rule of a tyrant and they needed a hero to save the day. Luckily, under their weak star, my normal human strength was pretty hardcore. So, I took down the evil ruler and ushered in a time of peace and prosperity. It was cool.

In February, Cupid needed help dealing with a gang of mutated eagles from the sewers. Luckily, I’m pretty great with a bow and arrow and we took out the whole gang. AND made a few people fall in love. Only two people fell in love with the eagles. Cupid’s fault, not mine. I can thread a needle standing on a haystack from 80 clicks.

I also ate a lot of apples with peanut butter. It is really good.

Then, the epic battle for Christmas began! See, not a lot of people know this, but Santa has a doppelganger.

An EVIL doppelganger. So, this Atnas and I had to battle it out. Atnas wanted to take over the world. Unluckily, the big star we call the sun is the same here as it is here. That means no extra strength.

I had to do it the old-fashioned way. With an army of Fabulous Robots, lasers and swords.

The Fabulous Robots are a gang of swanky robots who know how to take care of business. By that I mean they could beat up Atnas’ goons lickity-split.

The battle raged for months. Between work, reading comics and battling the evil Atnas, it was a pretty busy June-November.

As Atnas and I were battling over the burning ruins of the lost Arctic city of Amarcta, we knew one of us was going to walk away a winner.

I looked into his eyes as our swords clashed and smiled.

He said, “Why are you smiling?”

I looked at him and said, “Because I know something that you do not.”

He said back, “And what is it.”

I said, “I am not left handed.”

BOOM! Christmas was saved. For this year.

And that’s what happened in 2010. What’s next for 2011? Well, the psychic goose did tell me that I should expect a visit from the clouds. But that can’t be too bad, can it?

Until next year.

THAT is how I spent my year. I hope your year was just as exciting.

I'm off to take a break and celebrate.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

return to sender by looking on the back flap

Not to sound like a 90's comedian, but what's up with the return address on the back of the envelope flap?  I've noticed it becoming more popular over the last few years. 

It might be old news to you.  Maybe people have been doing it for years, but I'm not used to it yet.  I look at the envelope and I get all excited to get mail and I can't see who it's from. 

THEN!  After 20 minutes of looking at the front of the envelope and seeing my name.  And a stamp.  And my name.  And a stamp.  And then my name again.  Then the stamp again.  Aaaaaaaand...yep...that's my name.  What about...nope...that's the stamp again.

(flip letter)

There it is!  On the back!  NOW I can open the letter because it is from somebody I trust.  Or not trust, but at least know well enough.  Well enough in the sense that my mail won't have an angry fish or something in it. 

There needs to be a "mail-looking-at" training course for people like me.  I'm skilled in many things.  Being a ninja.  Being a pirate.  Being a ninja pirate.  Being a pirate ninja.  But looking at envelopes is NOT one of my strong points. 

I also didn't know that you COULD put it on the back.  Do they care where the stamp and return address are on the envelope?  If not, can I just stick it in random spots?  Maybe put a few of them on there?  Is that okay?

SEE?!  I don't know the rules! 

Sometimes life is just too complicated.  Next time I'll just send a telegram.  Perhaps a singing one.  That will be much easier. 

I'm off to lick my stamps.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

salsa under the tree

Do you know what I LOVE?!

Holiday Tortilla Chips!

I think Tostitos makes them.  They are red and green!  NICE! 

Who wouldn't want to eat that?  It's perfect with a tomato salsa OR guacamole! 

This is why I love the holidays!  Red and green are great colors.  And they look even better on a tortilla chip. 

I do know that tortilla chips come from corn.  I guess they have to breed red and green corn.  That corn only blooms in December.  Lucky for us, it's just in time for Christmas! 

It's weird, but that's what I heard. 

If you are having people over for anything holiday related.  Or just red and green related.  You should buy these chips.  They will add a level of sophistication to any party. 

Maybe some day they'll be able to invent a green tomato and you can use that if your guests don't like guacamole. 

Or perhaps a red guacamole!

What is science doing?  Why aren't they working on this?

I think I'll write a letter to science letting them know what they should do.  It worked last time when I asked them to invent a green apple.  They're cool like that.

I'm off to get a stamp.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

just follow the moving light to the action

What is it about spotlights that make you have to see what is going on?  I saw some of those bright spotlights from the highway the other day and just HAD to see what they were promoting!

Or are they searchlights?  I don't know.  They're the same thing.  Those BRIGHT beams of light you see swiveling from some sort of red-carpet event. 

I see those and just think they are amazing! 

And sometimes, if I pretend real hard, I can see the bat signal.  So, I kinda think they are summoning Batman. 

Okay, I don't know if they are for sures, but I HOPE they are! 

I just like the bright lights. 

Like a moth to the flame.

I like that song, The Flame.  It's good.

I'm off to be the flame, I will be the flaaaaaaaaaame.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

you would say that it glowed

I'm a little confused about this "Rudolph" character.  If he's so "famous," how come we can't "recall" him? 

See, for many years, nobody remembered this guy.  As they say in the song, "But do you recall, the most famous reindeer of all?" 

If he really WAS the most famous of them all, why couldn't we remember him?  Should we really need to "recall" him?  That's like asking, "Do you recall where your rib cage is?" 

The rib cage is pretty famous.  And we all know about it.  No need to ask.  Nor recall.

And this "nose" that he has.  It doesn't ACTUALLY glow.  But every time I see him on TV, it's like a flashlight.  But technically, it's just shiny.  So, in order for his nose to give off good light, light has to hit it first.  I don't understand much, but I do understand basic specular reflection.

So this "famous" reindeer isn't so famous at all, but we're told to believe he is.  And you would SAY that his nose glows, but it's only shiny.  Which, really, couldn't guide a sleigh unless it was sunny out.  And when it's sunny, do you really need a shiny guide? 

Is there a conspiracy in the air?  Maybe.  Or maybe this "Rudolph," or whatever his real name is, just has a really good marketing team.

Either way, I have no idea what I'm talking about.

I'm off to shine my nose.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

hello, my name is robot, and I'll be your server

A new restaurant in China is run by robots!  There are six robot waiters and two robot hostesses. 

I guess they have genders, since there are no waitresses and no hosts.  I don't know.  I'm just telling you what I saw in the article. 

You go to this place and eat food that was delivered to your table by a robot.

Which SOUNDS awesome, but haven't they ever seen "2001: A Space Odyssey!"

Do you really want a robot telling you what you can eat or not?  Because, really, you KNOW they are correct.  They're robots.  And robots are never wrong.

Except that one time a robot told me that my tight leather pants didn't look cool on me.

That robot was just jealous of my totally rad, rock and roll style. 

I bet that after I left that party, the robot got a pair of leather pants just like mine.

Those robots.  What do they know.

Unless they take over the world, then I'm all for leather-panted robots. 

You robots look totally swanky.  Seriously.  Leather pants AND a fedora?  Awesome.  Please don't shoot me with lasers.

I'm off to buy my fedora. 

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

from diamond sea to...whoa, diamonds?!

One of those random planets that planet-looker-forers found is REALLY big.  And FULL of carbon!  That means, according to no scientists and one headline writer, it could be MADE OF DIAMONDS! 

Wow!  Diamonds everywhere!  Imagine what we could do with that! 

We could make cars out of diamonds that run on diamond fuel!

I could make a Fortress of Solitude like Superman.  Except made of diamonds! 

I could wear underwear MADE FROM DIAMONDS! 

The world could be run by DIAMOND ROBOTS!

The possibilities are endless! 

Endless...until we run out of diamonds.  So...kinda endless.  But with a possible end.  More like, endlessish.

Yeah.  That.

So, if you want to live on this possibly-covered-in-diamonds planet, you'll have to travel about 1,200 light years.  Which won't take long IN YOUR DIAMOND SPACESHIP POWERED BY DIAMONDS!

I'm off to my fortress of solitude.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

banana concerto No. 82 in B minor

A fruit company in Japan plays music to their fruit.  They get bananas.  Put them in a "banana ripening chamber."  Then pump Mozart through the loud speakers.

The bananas prefer Mozart's String Quartet No. 17 and his Piano Concerto No. 5 in D major. 

The fruit company has found that it makes for a sweeter banana.  Not a banana that will walk you across the street, but rather a banana with a sweeter taste. 

Does this work for all fruits?  I don't know.  BUT!  The folks in Japan say that it does make for a better sake! 

I think I will try playing some Mozart in my freezer.  I have a lot of frozen veggies.  And they taste like vegetables.  But if they tasted like SWEET vegetables, they would be so much better! 

I don't think I can get my stereo in my freezer, but I DO know that my laptop fits just fine.  I'll just have to download some Mozart to my laptop and put it in there...again. 

Unfortunately, I can't check twitter while my veggies are getting sweeter. 

That's okay.  I'll just post "veggies getting sweeter so I can't be a tweeter." 

I'm sure all of my one follower will understand.

I'm off to hire a quartet for my fruit bowl.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

boring doesn't even begin to describe it

Scientists have used giant computers and complex algorithms to figure out the most boring day of the 20th century!  April 11, 1954 had nothing going on!  There wasn't any major news.  Nobody famous was born.  Nobody famous died.  Nothing interesting happened! 

Of course, you may disagree.  Perhaps you were born on April 11, 1954.  Sorry, but you are boring.  The scientists at Cambridge told me so. 

But now we have hit a Catch-22.  We just made the most boring day more interesting by calling it the "most boring day!"  How do we get around that? 

I have no idea.  And honestly, I don't care.  It's a boring day.  Can't we get these scientists and giant computers to give me free wi-fi instead of trying to figure out what's boring?  I can tell them what's boring: My day when I can't get online! 

How about fixing that?!  Do you know what's on the internet, Cambridge?!  Digital comics!  Recipes for pie!  Shakespearean-to-Modern English (not the band) translations of Shakespeare's plays! 

Okay, so that last one isn't really exciting, but it does help me understand Macbeth.  Which is really funny, by the way.  I just read it.  You should read it, too.  That whole part with Macduff trying to get Malcolm to come back to Scotland?  Comedy gold!

Heh..heh...I'm laughing just thinking about it.

Good times.  What was I talking about again? 

Who knows.  If it's my blog, I'm sure it wasn't important.

I'm off to laugh at Shakespeare.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

arsenic and old phosphorus

Did you hear about that new life form that they found?!  They found some microbe that has arsenic in its DNA! 

This is, like, a HUGE find in science!  Usually, life is made with phosphorus and some other ingredients.  Arsenic is usually toxic.  But not for this microbe! 

This means that life could be formed from totally different chemicals!  Life could be anywhere!  Made from anything!  Like cotton candy, pepper and cinnamon! 

WOW! 

That's not the ONLY discovery I heard about!  Did you hear about Dark Energon?  Yeah!  I saw that on the new Transformers tv show the other day!  The Decepticons totally found some Dark Energon, which is WAY bad!  I can't wait to see what happens!

I don't know why that's not in the news, too.

OH!  And I also had a great pear yesterday!  That's cool because getting a pear when it is PERFECT to eat is tricky!  THAT should be in the news too!

Phew!  A lot of excitement going on these days.  I hope I can keep up with it! 

I'm off to study my phosphorus.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

promotional consideration paid for by the letter x

A friend of mine texted me over Thanksgiving and told me to have a nice "X-Giving." How great is that!?

"X" is a cool letter. It's tied in first place by the letter "Z."

I think I like Z because it is in my name. But it also has that cool ZZZZZZZZ sound!

X is cool because...well...it just is! Mostly because it's at the beginning of the X-Men. And X-Force. And many other X-Teams from comic books.

So, X-giving is like a part of the X-Men! Like Wolverine! Except...a turkey...WITH ADAMANTIUM CLAWS! AND BEAK!

I'm a big fan of writing X-mas instead of Christmas. For the same reason. I NEVER thought about doing it with EVERY holiday! Now I am TOTALLY going to do that.

X-ukkah. X-entine's Day. Xthday (for birthday). X of July. X Year's Day. Xster. X-umbus Day.

And so on.

That is how you celebrate a holiday. With mutant powers.

And adamantium claws.

I'm off to mark the spot...on my x-endar!

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

rhubarb: the other root-lookin' stalky vegetable-fruit

I thought everybody had pie.  But, it seems like pie isn't really what Thanksgiving is all about.  It's about turkey and stuffing and...stuff.

My family has always had a LOT of pies at Thanksgiving.  Like, ten pies or something.  Cherry, blueberry, multi-berry, crunch berry, apple, pumpkin, lemon meringue, etc...

I always ate very little turkey and mashed potatoes because I wanted pie!  But this weekend, a non-family member said, "You guys have a lot of pie.  There's almost one per person!"

I said, "Yeah...isn't that what you do on Thanksgiving?"

Little did I know that most people do not do that.  And that is why I love my family.  Because we have pie-tacular traditions.

Even though I've had lots and lots and lots and lots of pie over the years.  Lots of it.  I never had strawberry/rhubarb pie. 

I found out that it would be featured at this year's feast and was a little skeptical.  With a name like rhubarb, it doesn't really sell itself. 

HOT.  DIGGITY.  DOG.  It is so good!  Strawberry/rhubarb pie has the potential of becoming my third favorite pie.  THIRD!  And if it keeps getting better, we may have to have a tie for second. 

With websites, festivals and t-shirts, rhubarb is a very popular vegetable-fruit.  I say vegetable-fruit because it's a vegetable, but it's taxed like a fruit in the United States because it is used like a fruit.  I don't know how fruits and vegetables are used differently, but fruits have lower taxes. 

I don't know if that's fair or not, but I don't care.  As long as I get my pie. 

I'm off to find a vegetable-fruit.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

where does chicken soup come from

I like soup.  It's good.  I buy it a lot.  But I have only bought tomato-based soups lately. 

You may say, "Well, chicken soups are great!  You should buy them, too!"

Okay, I get that.  But where does chicken soup come from? 

I've seen tomatoes.  They have juices in them.  In fact, you can buy whole containers of tomato juice!  I can see where the liquid for soup might come from. 

But a chicken...isn't juicy.  Well...it is...but it's in a way that makes my mouth sweat.  And not in a good way. 

So what DO they do to get chicken soup?  Do they squeeze a chicken so the juices come out?  And people are okay with heating that up with some rice? 

I'd much rather squeeze a tomato than squeeze a chicken. 

But that's just me. 

You can squeeze all the chickens you want. 

Oh yeah, Happy Thanksgiving. 

Do they squeeze turkeys, too?  I hope not.

I'm off to find a tomato. 

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

it makes my mouth sweat

Okay, so I heard somebody say that phrase today.  The "it makes my mouth sweat" phrase.  And I wasn't sure if it was totally gross or a compliment. 

Like, does it mean something is "mouth-watering?"  Or is it supposed to be totally gross? 

It SOUNDS like the grossest thing possible!  And now I feel the urge to say it all the time. 

But if it's a compliment, then I'm not sure where to say it.

You: "How do you like my new plaid and striped outfit?"

Me: "It makes my mouth sweat!"

You: "..."

Me: "That's a compliment...right?"

You decide! 

Also, I saw three jugs of milk outside my apartment the other day.  It was chilly out, so I think they would stay fresh.  It's just not something I'm used to seeing when I get home from work. 

I don't think the milkman/milkwoman leave the big one-gallon jugs, either.  They usually have glass bottles.  If they even have milkpeople anymore. 

Maybe they only deliver to houses with smokey chimneys.  Those are mouth-sweat worthy, right?

You decide!

I'm off to sweat in my mouth...it just sounds so vile, but I don't know!

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

can you even do that anymore?

I was driving yesterday.  In my car.  Because that's how I drive.  Unless I'm driving something else.  Like a goat.  With a steering wheel. 

But yes, my car.  So, I was driving my car and saw smoke coming out of a chimney.  I know!  I didn't know that happened, either! 

I mean, I've seen it on TV and movies, but in real life?  Is that even legal?  Do people actually heat their homes with an open flame? 

That seems really dangerous.  I mean, fire burns things.  Like wood.  And the house was made of wood.  That's just ASKING for trouble! 

Now, it might sound romantic, but really, take a look around your house.  Anything flammable?  ALL OF IT! 

So that's your lesson.  Fire kills comic books.  It's dangerous to have fire around things of value.  Like comic books.  And people.  And my collection of dry wood in the shape of Disney characters from the 1940's. 

Yeah...they seemed like a good investment at the time. 

I'm still hoping they go up in value.  If you're looking for some, I can sell'em at a good price.  The Harry Horse is very rare.  Ten bucks and it's yours.

I'm off to put out the fire. 

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

thatsawholelottaespressoinjustonecupifyoudontmindmesayin

The Dieci.  That's Italian for "El Ten." 

What is it, you ask?  It's a brand new coffee/espresso drink in New York.  It's 10 shots of espresso in JUST ONE CUP!  That's right!  It's the best way to start your morning if you have to do A LOT of stuff!  It also saves TONS of time!

For example, if you have a business meeting, chug a Dieci and watch the meeting just fly by!

Employee:"Asyoucanseethechartsareshowingthatwearemakingtonsofmoneybydoingthingsthataretotallymoneymakingsortsofthingsthatwouldrequireustoknockthingsoutoftheparkanddostufflikesynergyandreallyshifttheparadigmintomindshareopportunitiesthatlogisticallyspeakingwillbucketizethebottomlineofthedeliverablesintoagameplanthatherdscatsintoapenofrhinoswholiketoreadbooksbypynchonbecausetheylikehiscrazywritingstylebutmissthefactthatorangescandrivesmallcompactcarswithfabricslikecottonandmalasiawhichisntreallyafabricbutmoreofaplanetlikeneptunewhichlooksreallynicethistimeofyearandifyouhaveayachtthatcantraveltothemoonababycouldgothersoinconclusionthemissionstatementisnotrocketsciencebutmorelikeyachtscienceifyouconsidersailingtootherplanetsandenjoyingtheirlocalcuisinethesedaystobeascienceandotherbuzzwordsthatwillpossiblyshowupatsomepointintime.

Thank you."

And THAT is how you get a meeting done. 

By the way, that employee just got promoted to President.  OF THE WORLD!

That's why you should drink the Dieci.

If anybody actually reads that, you are REALLY dedicated.  And I love you for it.

I'm off to find my espresso.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

let's just get some correction fluid on that degree

Years ago, I went to college.  Westfield State College, to be precise.  And now they have changed their name.  They are now called Westfield State University. 

For a while, I wondered if I went to Westfield State College or Westfield State University. 

I have my answer!  They sent me a letter asking for money.  And they should know by my degree that I don't have any.  BUT, they had a little letter telling me that I can get my diploma changed to reflect the new name! 

Awesome!  Can I also get it changed to reflect my studies in dragon-slaying?  I'll have to ask about that. 

If I knew where my diploma was, I might make that change.  I'm pretty sure I have one.  I remember wearing a cap or something and walking up to shake somebody's hand.  So, I think I graduated. 

I really can't remember.  I was too busy trying to figure out where I was going to live the next day. 

I found a place.  I wonder if my diploma is still there?  If I find it, can't I just write University on it somewhere?  I have a blue crayon that looks like the same color as the writing on the diploma. 

I can also draw a picture of me slaying a dragon.  THAT'S a diploma worth hanging up!

I'm off to change my name...and degree.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

bathrooms and bottles of milk

What a CRAZY weekend! 

I would love to tell you about my adventures in bathroom cleaning, but you don't want to hear about it.  Seriously.  It was very frustrating. 

I mean, I've always cleaned my bathroom, but I've been feeling the need to make my bathroom cleaning time more earth-friendly.  That plan...did not work out...

But I DO have a nice collection of wet, dirty towels now!  And a nasty sponge! 

ALSO!  I was driving on 91 this weekend.  I think I was going south.  Yeah...definitely south.  And the sunset was really pretty behind the mountains.  So, I wanted to pull off the highway and find a good spot to take a picture.  Well...that also...did not work out.  After a few twists and turns, I found a large milk bottle. 

I think it was fake.  I have no idea WHERE I was.  Somewhere rural.  And somebody had a large monument to bottled milk on their property. 

Sadly, I did not get a picture of the pretty sunset.  Also, I got a little freaked out by the large bottle and did not take a picture of that, either. 

You would panic, too!  I thought I entered a land of giants or something!  I had no idea what was going on!  I was lost, it was getting dark, and all I could see were giant milk bottles everywhere!  Nothing is scarier than giants who get plenty of calcium.

It's enough to make a grown man cry. 

Which I did not do.  Much.

I'm off to find some tub cleaner.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

the outer space tastes like raspberries

Scientists were licking around space and found out that it tastes like raspberries.

Okay, so they weren't actually using their tongues.  They were using a tongue that looked more like an IRAM telescope that could see electromagnet radiation. 

Similar to a tongue.  Mine, at least. 

While they were tasting space, they found an abundance of ethyl formate!  I know!  Amazing! 

Oh, ethyl formate is the chemical that gives raspberries their raspberry flavor.  But you probably knew that already. 

So if you were to go lick space, it would taste like a raspberry!

Unfortunately, they also found a lot of the deadly chemical propyl cyanide. 

So, I guess space tastes like RASPBERRIES OF DOOM!

If you buy some raspberry jam and it says "Manufactured in a facility in space with propyl cyanide," I wouldn't eat it.

But that's just me.  I don't like raspberry jam...of doom.

I'm off to lick some space.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

lint rollin' in my homey

Have you ever used a lint roller on your carpets at home?  It's amazing what a vacuum cleaner doesn't pick up! 

There are a surprising amount of shimmery things.  I don't know WHERE they come from, but almost every time I roll the sticky sheet across the floor, something is shiny. 

There are also a lot of hairs and pebbles and dusts.

It's really quite interesting.  You should try it sometime. 

You'll almost feel like you can eat off the floor! 

I wouldn't, though.

Unless it was something really good.  Like a pie-cake.  Then it's kind of okay. 

Also, part of my finger went numb.  It just happened, like, a few seconds ago.  I don't know what's going on with that.  I hope the feeling comes back. 

Huh...weird...I keep pinching it...aaaaaaand...nothing...

I'm off to roll my lint.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

kosher dots for christmas

I got some Christmas Dots yesterday.  You remember Dots, right?  Those gum-drop things that taste SO good! 

The great thing about Dots is that they are Kosher. 

The GREATER thing about Dots is that they come out with fun holiday flavors.  Like the Christmas Dots that I just bought that are cherry, lime and vanilla!

The GREATEST thing about Dots is that they all taste the same!  No matter what flavor they say they are! 

I once had a manager at CVS who would have Tropical Dots and a Coke for lunch every day.  He would always sing some line from a Jimmy Buffett song.  "It's all about the water, don't ya know.  It's all about the water, the H20."  I have no idea why I remember that.  He was nice.

Still, you gotta love Dots.  Really.  YOU GOTTA!  Dots are always a go-to candy.  You can NEVER get sick of them.  NEVER. 

Dots are also sticky.  So they're great for making a funny face on the wall. 

I'm off to put Dots on stuff.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

when a pumpple just isn't enough

A little while back I talked about the Pumpple pie-cake.  It's a pumpkin pie and an apple pie in-between layers of cake.  But since that wasn't enough to satisfy people's appetites, we have the Cherpumple!

The creator, Charles Phoenix, has made a youtube video on how to make it.  Basically, you put a whole apple pie into a spice cake batter.  Then bake it up for your bottom layer.  So it's just a coating of cake around the pie.  Then, you put a pumpkin pie into a yellow cake batter and bake it for the middle layer. THEN you put a cherry pie into a white cake batter.  Bake it.  And that is your top layer! 

I'm not sure why people should stop there, though.  There are so many more wonderful pies to add!  Like blueberry, for a Blucherpumple!

Maybe throw in a Rhubarb for a Rhublucherpumple!

Or just go crazy with a Raslemkeystrawpecsweepocochocreampeachrhublucherpumple.

Then just find 15 different cakes to bake them all into.  And that is what you can bring to every party you have over the holidays!

Just make sure people have sturdy tables. 

And very large plates.

I'm off to open a bakery.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

votes in space

Three American astronauts on the International Space Station voted from space.  I THINK that means they had to vote for the governor of space.  And maybe some representatives or something. 

Space elections are tough because you have to put on your space suit before you go into the booth.  The booth is usually floating around.  You just have to be ready for it when it goes by. 

I voted in space once.  I voted for Galactus.  The ballot didn't say much.  It just said, "Who do you vote for?" and under that it said "Galactus." 

So, I figured I would go for the winning team.  He won.  But then the Fantastic Four had to get rid of him for trying to eat the planet. 

Well I didn't know he was going to do that when I voted for him!  Sheesh.  If I HAD known, I would have written in Silver Surfer or something. 

I am NOT an advocate for planet-eating. 

Unless the planet is a cupcake.  Then I might look the other way.

I'm off to vote it up.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

so a nerd walks into a...oh wait, that's me

I broke my glasses.  I don't know how it happened!  I was just cleaning them before I went out so I could have a clear view of the world.  And "snap!"  They just broke in half.  Right on the bridge of the nose. 

I'd get new ones, but my insurance doesn't cover...um...stuff.  Like glasses and doctor visits and whatnot.

So I taped them back together.  Luckily, I have white tape.  Because, from what I've seen, that's the only way you can really tape your glasses together. 

Well, if you want to look like a total nerd.

I know it's old-school, but that's how I roll.  And, really, any other color tape might just look funny. 

Okay, so the white tape looks funny, but it's better than purple.

Or maybe not.  Hmmmm...I should get different color tape and change it up!  That would be totally cool! 

But maybe I should look up the word "cool" in the dictionary first.

Just to be sure.

Oh yeah, and nerd stands for "Never Ending Radical Dude."  Like me.

I'm off to clean my glasses...gently.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

a man walks into a walkman

The Sony Walkman is done. Sony is not going to make them any more. I know, some of you didn't even know they were still being made. They are.

Well, they were.

Why didn't they ever make the Walkwoman? That's just as easy to say. I had many a portable cassette player growing up. They usually fell off my belt while I was riding my bike or something. Then they would break into a million pieces on the street. LUCKILY, it protected my cassette tape. Those NEVER broke.

There was a Transformer that was a Walkman. I can't remember his name, but that was sneaky. I was always afraid that my Walkman would transform into a Decepticon and attack me.

Actually, it did. A few times. It ate my tapes. I scolded the Decepticon by throwing it onto the street and breaking it into a million pieces.

That's how we Autobots roll.

I had Gobots, too. They were like Transformers, but different. And not as popular. But I LOVED them. They could all fly and shoot lasers out of their hands! They didn't need to be a jet to fly. They didn't even need laser guns. They could just do that stuff.

And they never once ate my INXS cassingle.

Take that Transformers!

I'm off to walk, man...or woman.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

get him to the geek

Be warned, this is a comic book rant. I REALLY try not to do this too often, but sometimes people just get me so riled up.

You can skip today's blog and I will not be offended. It's totally not worth your time. I just have to get it out. Seriously, don't read it. It's really long. TOO long. Just come back again when I write about something interesting, okay? Thanks.

SO! There is a new Superman comic coming out. It's actually a graphic novel that revamps the story of Clark Kent moving to Metropolis. And people are FURIOUS!

They have this picture online of a young Clark looking like...well...what a 20-ish kid would look like today. People are saying they should never mess with such an iconic character. They say he looks like he's from Twilight or something. Okay, so the kids from Twilight are, like, in their 20's, right? I guess that makes sense. Shocking.

People should really read comic books. They've re-told the superman story a million times! In face, the whole DC Universe is constantly resetting itself! But people don't know that, so they just say all sorts of stinky things. And I'm insulted!

The art is beautiful. The artist, Shane Davis, should know that he did a great job. The inks and colors look awesome, too. And the writer, JMS, well...most of the time he's really good. I'm HOPING this is one of the good times.

BUT! All these people are posting mean things under the news story! They don't even know what's going on in the DC Universe! It's just so frustrating to read their comments. It hurts when they insult your passion and they clearly don't know anything about it. Sorry, but I'm sensitive.

I DO hope that maybe somebody who never read comics sees this new Superman, who looks like somebody from this decade, and decides to read it.

Now, if somebody wants to have an intelligent discussion about comic books, I'm all for it. But please know your stuff.

Okay. Rant done. I'm sorry you had to see that. But people SHOULD really think before they say such horrible things. And THAT is your life lesson for today. The more you know. Whoosh.

I'm off to do my breathing exercises.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

the lion and the unicorn

So I just found out that the Royal Coat of Arms of the United Kingdom is a lion and a unicorn.

Now if that's not a great idea for a sitcom, I don't know what is!

Imagine the two of them arguing over curtains! That would be hilarious.

Lion: "We REALLY need some new curtains!"

Unicorn: "Okay. What were you thinking."

Lion: "Well, I just saw the GREATEST pattern online that will go perfectly with our sofa. BUT, we might have to get a new rug."

Unicorn: "I really think we should go with a simple color. Like black."

Lion: "Seriously?! Black?! I may be a lion, but I am NOT an animal!"

Unicorn: "Sigh. Okay. Get whatever you like."

Lion: "YAY!"

Add some canned laughter and we gots a hit on Thursday nights!

And you thought comedy was dead.

I'm off to pitch the networks.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

for those who want to eat through walls

Kanye West has diamond teeth now. That cost a lot of money. BUT it is TOTALLY worth it!

Imagine all the stuff you could chew on with diamond teeth!

If you are attacked by a diamond sword, all you have to do is catch it in your teeth and you won't get hurt! And who doesn't have catching-a-sword-with-your-teeth training? I think I learned that in the 3rd grade.

That and cursive writing. Can you guess which skill I use now? I'll give you a hint: I'm not writing this in cursive!

He could use his teeth to rock climb. Maybe build a boat. He might even be able to eat mars! Just because he has diamond teeth!

I'm so jealous. Imagine all the cool stuff I could do with diamond teeth.

Jump high. Lift weights. Catch salmon.

Maybe someday.

I'm off to chew soft bananas.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

vodka, cotton candy and whipped cream

It seems that people want to drink alcohol, but don't want to TASTE it. So, they flavor it up. Kinda like what I do when I want a desserty, fluffy coffee drink that tastes like caramel. mmmmm...

Welp, do the same thing with vodka! They have whipped cream and cotton candy flavored vodkas.

We always want things to taste like other things. Like asparagus. We REALLY want it to taste like popcorn, so we add LOTS of butter to it.

That's why we don't eat vegetables. Because they TASTE like vegetables. Maybe if we wrapped them up in cotton candy or covered them with whipped cream, we would eat them.

Actually...I like that idea. I wonder if caramel tastes good on cauliflower. I bet it does! Or I could pour an entire Squeeze Pop onto my spinach salad! OR HAVE A POP ROCKS POTATO!

I love this idea. I can't wait to eat my vegetables!

I'm off to find some maple syrup and radishes.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

carmenbot 2000 vs. die fledermausotronic 4.0: the siegfried processor

Now that I just spent an hour trying to come up with a clever title, I can get to the story.

The people at MIT have decided that operas are boring. And they are correct!

To make the opera more exciting, they are adding robots! Now THAT is something worth seeing!

"Death and the Powers" is an opera about something that happens. But more importantly, it has robots! And when there are robots, you just KNOW there have to be lasers!

And possibly something that transforms into a car! That would be awesome.

Tod Machover is the composer and head of the Hyperinstruments lab at MIT. What's a hyperinstrument? Well, that's kinda hard to explain, but basically, you take an instrument and put the word hyper in front of it. Then yell what it is. That should work.

Like this: "I have a HYPERVIOLIN!"

Not hyper enough for you? Try this: "HYPERTUBA!"

Oh, and add lasers to the instrument. That should give it more hyperocity. Yeah...do that...

I guess they are going on tour with the show. A HYPERTOUR! You should go see it. But wear laser-blocking clothes. You don't want to get shot.

I'm off to play my HYPERPICCOLO!

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

pants made for action

I was looking up pants online. Why? Because sometimes I'm bored and want to see what this great world has to offer!

And it's lucky for ALL of us that I looked. Because I found "ACTION PANTS!"

They look like casual, draw-string pants. But when you put them on...BAM! ACTION HAPPENS!

What kind of action? You might think that you are going for a stroll in the park. But then you put on your action pants.

BAM! It becomes a fight for your life as giant worms attack from underground! And grass blades become REAL blades! Of steel!

Or perhaps you are petting a fluffy lamb. Then you put on your action pants.

BAM! The lamb becomes an evil lamb dictator who rules an army of baby chicks with giant tanks made of evil and sharp stuff! In space!

So you can see why I want a pair of action pants.

And so do you.

I'm off to find some action.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

genius comes in a cartoon

Animal Mechanical is a kiddie show that I just saw for the first time the other day. I had NO idea what this show was about, but I didn't care. It has the BEST CAST EVER!

First, they have a dinosaur.

Second, they have a unicorn.

THIRD! THEY ARE BOTH ROBOTS!

WHAT?! How come I never thought of this before! Three of the COOLEST things combined in one place for me!

And the unicorn can fly!

Holy magical excitement!

I can only imagine this writer pitching the show.

Writer: "So, I have this idea. Let's have a team of animals with a T-Rex and a unicorn."

Executive: "I like it so far. What else can you give me?"

Writer: "You might want to sit down for this part. They. Are. All. Robots."

Executive: "GALUMPUS! I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And thus, history was made.

I'm off to galumpus.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

you got pie in my cake...and that's totally fine

A bakery in Philadelphia has created the Pumpple. The Pumpple is a pumpkin pie and an apple pie baked into a chocolate and vanilla cake.

It's pumpkin on the bottom. Chocolate cake on top of that. Then the apple on that. Then the vanilla on top. All glued together with buttercream.

I know what you're thinking. THIS IS AWESOME! And you would be correct. Now, I haven't tried this yet, but it sounds fantastic. I'm not a huge fan of either apple or pumpkin pie, but we can work on that.

Perhaps they could bake a cherry pie into an angel food cake. Now THAT would be perfect! I don't care what laws of nature have to be broken. We need to make this happen.

People might actually die from its awesomeness. Just hearing about this made me black out for a few hours. It was either that or an alien abduction. That happens to me a lot too.

I bet aliens would LOVE pie-cake. Aliens have good taste. Aliens also like gummy bears. So, you know, they're cool in my book.

OH! How about a cake with pie filling. AND the pie is filled with gummy bears! The aliens would love that!

I'm off to make a pie-cake.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

here comes the sunchips

SunChips are good. And a little while ago they decided to make their bags compostable. For the environment. BUT! Now the bag is SUPER LOUD!

And it is AWESOME! I LOVE this loud bag! How much fun is loud? SO FUN!

But, people are complaining. So, they have to change the bag.

Really. Isn't the environment more important? And when did noise become too loud? If it's too loud, you're too old! That's what I say! Heavy Metal Bagging!

Bring on the chips! Bring on the noise!

I'm off to crinkle my bag.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

shred your face

I've been scanning a ton of old pictures into my computer so I can get rid of all the photo albums. I know some people like to waste space with actual pictures, but I'm all for getting rid of them and keeping them on my computer.

But now I have a pile of old pictures that I have no use for! What do you do with old pictures? I feel kinda weird throwing them out.

Instead, I figured I would shred them. But again, is it mean to shred all my family and friends? I don't want to insult anybody.

I guess I could donate them to somebody. Perhaps there is a person who has no pictures of friends or family and they could use mine. Maybe in some poor country with no cameras. I could be their fake brother.

I think I'll just shred them. If you feel a sharp pain, that might be me shredding you. In the shredder-machine. Not shredding you with awesomeness. Even though I've been known to do that, too.

I'm off to shred it up.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

belt it all out

I went to the bathroom today and saw a belt in the trash! I hope it didn't break on somebody. That's a stinky place to break a belt. You put it back on and "SNAP!" it falls off. Now you have to hold your pants up for the rest of the day.

You know where it's okay to break your belt? A belt store.

Belts are good for a lot of stuff. Like holding up pants. And holding up pictures. Maybe an adjustable head band.

Oh, a belt could double as a guitar strap. My car has a timing belt.

You can use a belt to hold a chair together. I bet it would even work as a floatation device.

Well, you could attach a floatation device to your waist using a belt.

I guess a broken belt is good if you need to change quickly. I do not.

I'm off to buckle up.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

grab your favorite mug

I love it when directions tell me to put "hot water into your favorite mug." Directions are so helpful. If they did NOT tell me that, I might have put the hot water into my least-favorite mug! And how could I enjoy a hot beverage that way?!

I don't think that's on everything, though. If I cook vegetables, it doesn't say "put hot vegetables onto favorite plate."

I do have a favorite plate. Spider-Man is on it.

Do you have favorite stuff? Like, with everything?

TV should have directions to sit on your favorite chair. Or the soap should say, "Get into your favorite shower and turn water to your favorite temperature!"

I have a favorite temperature. I call it "feel good" degrees. I don't know what number it is, but I can tell you when it gets there.

So sit back in your favorite chair and enjoy your favorite blog on your favorite computer with some of your favorite drink in your favorite mug. And, if you are in the favorite mood, eat some of your favorite candy off of your favorite plate.

I'm off to play favorites.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

of poets and pirates

The other day I was talking about high schools having tough names for their sports teams. The Lilac Lassies turned out to be fairies. Well, tough representatives of fairies, at least.

Luckily, I found some more fun high school team names to tell you about!

Johnson High School has the Atom Smashers! How cool is that? Do you know how hard it is to smash an atom? It's hard. I tried to do it with a hammer the other day, but it wouldn't smash. So I ate a pistachio instead.

Williamsport, Pennsylvania has the Millionaires. While they might not SOUND scary, they can hire people to scare you. With all their monies. Or they could convert their millions into quarter rolls and throw those at you. Those things hurt like the dickens.

What is the "dickens," anyway? Should a team be called The Dickens?

While not "The Dickens," Sidney Lanier High is also literary. They are THE POETS! That's write! The Poets! They'll quill you into submission! The pen is mightier than the sword. When it's a laser-pen! Or a poison-tipped pen-sword!

I hear their cheerleaders write great cheers, but only English Majors get the insults to the other team.

I'm off to brush up on my Frost insults.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

the fighting fairies

I was driving around New Hampshire this weekend and came across West Canaan. I didn't actually stop there, but the town seemed pretty cool. Then I saw their sports team. The Lilac Lassies.

What does that mean?! That doesn't sound mean at all! I thought team names were supposed to be tough! Or at least have some sort of animal that can attack in SOME way.

WELL! Lilac Lassie is a pattern for a fairy. I guess there are different types of fairies. And they all have different designs. Lilac Lassie is one of them.

Fairies are pretty awesome, but they are usually sweet and don't attack people.

Unless you're a Lilac Lassie from West Canaan! Those fairies know how to BRING IT!

I wouldn't mess with them. They actually picked my car up while I was driving through West Canaan. And not with magic, either. They only used their crazy muscles to do it. It was awesome!

So next time you have to play against a team of fairies, watch out! They'll probably take you down AND make fun of you. They are RUTHLESS.

They also carry large bludgeoning tools. So...yeah...they'll knock you out.

I'm off to find a fairy.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

salmon: genetically modified for your enjoyment

Whoa! Big debate about genetically modified salmon!

Who wouldn't want a bigger salmon? Heck, why stop there?! Let's give those salmon bionic fins! Then they'll be able to swim faster than a minnow on a sugar high!

Minnows swim pretty quickly. Or so I've heard. When I said it.

So maybe genetically modified food isn't a great idea. What if, mayhap, the salmon brain grows bigger as well? Then these genius salmon might start outsmarting bears. THEN start outsmarting humans. THEN learn how to breathe in space! THEN TAKE OVER THE UNIVERSE!

See...scientists don't think of these things when creating havoc with a very fragile ecosystem.

Now, if they were able to genetically modify clouds so that rain turns into caramel before it hits the ground, I would say, "Let's get all havocy!"

Not everything is bad for the ecosystem. Especially caramel.

I'm off to get genetically havocked.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

right pizza slice for the price

Somebody reads my blog! Cool, right? So, since he openly admitted to reading what I write, I figured it would only be fair to take his idea and write about it.

After ordering a slice of pizza the size of Montana, Marty said that I should write about it and ask, "When does a slice of pizza become more than a slice and is actually a whole pizza?"

Well, a good call would be if the slice IS, in fact, the size of Montana. VERY good call.

Two slices of pizza were ordered. They could only be contained in a full-size pizza box. The slices were each probably about two-thirds of a medium pizza.

So, how big should a slice be before it becomes a pizza? Is there a ratio? NO! A slice SHOULD be as big as you can get it!

If somebody gives you a Pac-Man-shaped segment of a large pizza and calls it a slice, you TAKE that slice and EAT that slice! That's 256 levels of pizza enjoyment! And you can top it with ghosts and cherries!

That's a Pac-Man Pizza I can enjoy!

I'm off to score 3,333,360 points.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

visions of helicopters

I SWEAR I saw a helicopter! I know it! But nobody else has.

Have you seen any helicopters lately? I mean it. I'm confused. I would see it while I was driving or walking or something, then it would go behind some trees and then I wouldn't see it again for a few hours. Then it would come back! Then vanish again!

This has happened a few times over the past week, and seriously, I think I'm seeing things. I don't even hear it! I just see it!

I may need help. And what does that even mean? Visions of helicopters? Granted, helicopters are cool, but why can't I have visions of ninjas or rainbows or glitter-puppies?

Maybe it's trying to tell me something. Like, "it's time to fly away by spinning around really fast."

I hear that a lot. I also get dizzy a lot.

I'm off to find a helicopter.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

whipple it

I was changing the roll of toilet paper in the bathroom and noticed that the tube had a date stamped inside of it. Nothing else. Not a "best if used by" or a "manufactured on" stamp. Just a date.

Is that an expiration date? Can toilet paper expire?

There isn't a lot of information on this, but the general consensus is that it can lose some of its softness. So...I guess it's kinda like stale bread?

Huh. I guess you should squeeze your toilet paper every once in a while to make sure it's still fresh. I recall Charmin had a guy who did this. Mr. Whipple.

Whipple is a funny word. I wish I could figure out some way to use it all the time. Like, "I'll have that done in a whipple!"

Or, "Easy as whipple!"

Whipple! Hee hee.

I'm off to whipple my day.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

dreaming of bobby mcferrin

Wow! Did I remember a dream from last night? Yes I did!

I was on a mission. I don't remember what the mission was, but I remember being on a mission. And that mission took me to my childhood home.

I transported myself there, because I have the power of teleportation...in my dreams.

I went into the house and found Bobby McFerrin giving singing lessons! YES! Bobby McFerrin lives in my house! Well, not my house, but the house my parents owned when I was younger. So it's kinda my house.

But, due to the great acoustics of my childhood home, Bobby McFerrin made it into a recording studio and vocal education center!

Things get a little hazy after that. But I remember I was on a stage with Bobby McFerrin and I walked off. I was only on stage for a second. I don't remember doing anything. Just walking off.

Then I bumped into my friend Kevin. Kevin from high school, not college-Kevin. Sorry college-Kevin, you were not in this dream. But I do think of you when I'm awake, if that makes you feel any better.

Kevin, from high school, and I talked for a few minutes. Then I walked out of the auditorium and stood next to the bus with all the kids in band. I think they were in band. There were band instruments there. Tubas and the like.

And then I woke up. That was it.

I think it means something. Maybe I am supposed to get the power of teleportation! That would be cool.

I'm off to worry not and be happy.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

computer attack

Soooooooo...this weekend, my computer was assaulted by a virus. It was awful!

All I did was click on a story on Yahoo and everything went crazy!

So, I hired a ragtag group of mercenaries who fought the virus. I think they are still fighting it today.

The mercs came highly recommended. They have Rock, the muscle; Pierre, the ladies man; Ninja, the tech guy; and Tech, the highly trained assassin.

Those are their actual birth names. Except for Pierre. I hear his name is really Jordan.

Anyway, they are fighting the virus with lasers and stuff. That should do the trick. We'll find out later today.

If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire my anti-virus team.

They wanted to be the A.V.-Team, but they don't know much about audio or visual.

I'm off to fix my computer.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

wild potato

I've RAVED about Ketchup Potato Chips in the past. And for good reason. They taste like awesome.

Unfortunately, they're hard to find in the U.S. In Canada, you can't toss a hockey stick without hitting a few bags of Ketchup-Flavored potato chips.

But China has the REAL treasure! They have flavors like Blueberry, Lemon Tea, and Cucumber!

They even have flavors unknown to me! French Chicken, Hot and Sour Fish Soup, and Numb and Spicy Hot Pot!

What are those?! What's the difference between chicken and French chicken? What does "Numb and Spicy Hot Pot" even mean?!

It sounds fantastic! Why do we, in the U.S., get so little variety in our chips? I don't get it. We need some new flavors! Food is so boring here. Let's spice it up a bit!

OR! Let's numb and spice it up a bit!

Do you go numb? Would you just collapse after eating a bag? It sounds so fun! I need to try some!

I'm off to get numb and spicy.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

camel problem

Australia has a camel problem. It's true! They are everywhere! And they seem to be causing all sorts of damage!

It is actually the world's "largest feral camel population." (feral camel is fun to say!) Yep. In Australia! And you thought they only had kangaroos!

So Australians are trying to get rid of the feral camel. Some ways are not so nice, but other ways are VERY nice! Like exporting them to other countries!

Camels could become a huge export for Australia. YES AUSTRALIA! Home of the koala!

I couldn't believe it, either!

Other countries love camels, so it's a good way to get them out of Australia.

Camels are good for lots of things. Like riding, um...and other stuff!

That should be their slogan. "Camels! Good for riding! AND OTHER STUFF!"

You better get your camel now before they sell out! We'll even give you a camel accessory kit FREE! And a koala!

Order you camel today!

Okay...I'm off to get my own camel and koala.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

pistachio

Have you ever had a pistachio? They're pretty good. I bought a bag for the first time the other day. I don't remember ever having them before. They may have popped up in some pie or cake or ketchup I ate, but I never specifically bought solo pistachios.

Why is it so popular to buy them STILL in the shell?! I don't get it. The only other nut that seems to come shelled is the peanut. And I don't think the peanut is really a nut. It's more of a legume where the pistachio is the "seed of a thin-shelled drupe."

I put that in quotes because I had to steal the info from the online world.

Do people like wasting valuable eating time opening the pistachio? Wouldn't you rather just eat it? Why do all that work?

I don't know why people would do that. I DO know that pistachios are good.

I also now know that the horse-chestnut is an "inedible capsule."

The things you can learn in life!

I think I will buy more pistachios. Even if they come in shells. Some guy once did a study saying that the shell was good because it made you eat fewer pistachios since you had to work so hard at it.

He never watched me eat before. The bag said 20 servings. I did it in 3.

I also I like cashews a lot.

I'm off to buy more nuts.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

right brush

I have to use my right hand to brush my teeth. Can you brush with either hand? Ambibrushtrous?

I didn't realize this until last night. I just automatically brushed with my right hand.

I tried to use my left hand and my mouth was not happy with that. The brush was just banging around all willy-nilly. I actually ended up with the brush part in my hand and the nubby end whacking my gums.

It kinda hurts. I'm sure my dentist would not want to know that I did that.

It would be great if I could brush with both hands. Then I could brush with my left hand and type things with my right hand.

Words like Polk, jump, lip, milk, etc.

Well, not "etc," that's all lefty. But you get the idea.

Polk was a great president. He liked to jump. He had lips. He enjoyed milk. All things you can type with your right hand!

I'm off to jump milk lip Polk.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

of the month club

Have you ever been a part of an "Of The Month" club? I haven't, but I should. There is a PB&J of the Month Club! That sounds yummy! You get different peanut butter and different jelly every month.

That MIGHT sound awesome, BUT there is also a Black Socks of the Month Club! These folks will send you a new pair of black socks every month! You NEVER have to worry about going out for socks again!

You know what I need? An Underwear of the Month Club. Well, maybe not. That's a LOT of underwear. I did not know this, but underwear does NOT last forever. It starts falling apart after a while.

Unfortunately, finding new underwear is harder than it sounds. Underwear must be out of season, because I really can't find any good quality undies. I bought some Hanes because they SOUND like a good name. But they got holes already. I only had them for about two weeks.

Maybe underwear is fresher in the spring? I don't know.

I DO know that I just talked about underwear, socks and peanut butter for the last few minutes. I bet THAT makes your day a little better/weirder.

Sorry about that.

I'm off to see if my socks came in.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

your song

Have you ever walked around the gym while they were playing the song "Macho Man" and said, "Finally, they're playing my song!"

I haven't, either. I should, though.

I don't really like peas in the pod. Do you? I like my peas depodded. It's so much better. Pods are not tasty. I think peas are great. But the pod part is not so good.

I DO like pencils, though! I just got this pencil sharpener that sharpens like a rock star! The pencils could pinpoint a quark! Or a gluon, even! Scientists would LOVE my pencil sharpener!

Oh, and this weekend, somebody parked REALLY close to my car at the supermarket. At first I got a little angry, but then I had a good time trying to figure out how to get into my car without hitting their car. It was pretty hard.

I'm still not sure how they got out of their car. Maybe I should check my car for a black paint mark.

And that was my weekend. Huh...that was kinda random. I just started thinking about my weekend and that's what popped out! I live an exciting life.

Exciting if you like pencils! Which I do. As you know. Because it says it above.

I'm off to be a macho man.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

baby carrots

What?! Baby carrots are not actually little carrots?!

Yeah! They are just regular carrots cut into little "baby" sizes!

I honestly thought that they could grow little carrots. Everything else can be genetically altered, so why not carrots?

Did you know that? Why am I even buying these things? Why not just get big carrots? Or slice a big carrot into pieces and sell them as "Carrot Chips?"

What happens to the rest of the carrot? Do they just throw it out? Can they bag that up and sell them as "Carrot Scraps?" What kid wouldn't want to eat that?

I would totally eat carrot scraps!

Seems like a waste of carrot. Did you know there are bunnies starving in Utah? And we're just wasting scraps upon scraps of carrots.

It breaks your heart, doesn't it. Wish you could help out? Well you can! For the price of a Soy Iced Venti Caramel Macchiato, you can buy me a coffee. And if you give me MORE than that, I'll send it to the bunnies in Utah.

I'm off to starbucks.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

glow shrimp

Did you know that you can get some glow-in-the-dark shrimp in Oregon? You can! Scientists say that "harmless bacteria" on the shrimp causes it to glow.

So, if you are ever looking for a shrimp in the dark, you can find them!

I think all food should glow. Just because it would be easier to see what I'm eating with the lights off.

Maybe you live in a cave that has no electricity. Wouldn't you want to see your food?

Living in a cave sounds fun, but it's not. Mostly because it's hard to get an internet connection. So I can't read online comic books. That kinda stinks.

Caves are cool if you like bears, though. They will be there all winter. I wonder if bears would like glow-in-the-dark people. I bet they would.

Maybe my belly would glow if I ate those shrimp. THAT would be cool! And totally freak people out!

I'm off to make my belly glow.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

pen pal

Did you know that I've been cleaning out a bunch of stuff from storage? If you want some old comic books, let me know. I can probably hook you up.

I found a letter from a pen pal I had in 1987. I think I wrote one letter to him. He wrote one letter back to me. Here's what I know about my pen pal:

-His name is Derrick

-He likes to go fishing.

-His dad got him a newt.

-He was happy to get my letter.

And that's Derrick, ladies and gentlemen!

I wonder if he's still out there somewhere. I wonder if he still has the letter I sent him? Do you think he still likes fishing? What happened to that newt he was so excited about?

These are questions that I may never find answers to. I bet Derrick is thinking the same thing about me. So I'll answer Derrick's questions from my letter to him:

-I haven't gone fishing in years.

-I still like the color red.

-I did become a ninja space pirate.

There you go Derrick. All your questions are now answered. Write back.

I'm off to find a pen pal.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

egg recall

I can recall a school project I had to do with eggs. It was kinda cool.

We had to "build" something that would protect an egg from breaking after it was dropped from the top of a ladder. The ladder was pretty high.

As with most things in high school, I didn't put much effort into this. Mostly because I couldn't see the practical reasons behind protecting an egg from falling off a ladder.

I filled a backpack with cotton balls. Then, put the egg in it. Then dropped it.

I'm pretty sure that the egg did not crack. The teacher gave me credit for that. But did not give me credit for effort. And I can't argue with that. I certainly did not deserve an A for effort. Though, you have to respect the simplicity of my design.

It's a good thing those eggs weren't full of salmonella! That would have been one sick classroom!

I can recall a lot of things, but that's because I have a great memory. There's a lot of talk about an egg recall these days. Do you recall anything about eggs? I guess it's a big deal. People just love talking about eggs!

I recall making a comic book mobile once. Not a car, but the kind of mobile that hangs over a baby's crib. I'll tell you about that if a mobile recall ever becomes hip.

I'm off to do a total recall.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

bed box

A guy in China has created a quake-proof bed. It's a bed that has a cover that slides over you if it feels an earthquake happening. So, if stuff starts falling from above, you will be protected in this box!

This is cool! It's also great for volcanoes. And maybe rain. If it is raining in your bedroom. That happens sometimes when you have a lot of moisture.

It's a pretty cool idea. It might be fun to put a light in there and just close it up when you want some alone time. Maybe put a TV in there and watch a movie.

Then if there IS an earthquake, you can finish watching the bonus features on your Transformers DVD without being interrupted by falling rocks!

OH! Meteors! I bet it's good for meteors too. I hate getting hit with meteors when I'm reading comic books.

I think I will get one of these. Maybe I'll water-proof it so I can bring it under water for my trips to Atlantis.

I'm off to call Aquaman.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

cupcake club

Happy Cupcake Day again!

Did you know Hostess CupCakes (yes, they use a big "C" for cakes...I don't know why) started off as regular, un-creamy-filled cupcakes?

They did. In 1950, somebody really smart, maybe Einstein, decided to put a yummy filling into the cupcake. And hence the big C CupCake was born!

In Britain, they call the cupcake a "fairy cake." I wish we called them that in the U.S. Fairy cake is fun to say!

"Would you like a fairy cake?!"

"YES! It's like a fairy tale that you can eat!"

"What a 'happily ever after' moment!"

"I knowzle!"

Isn't that just so much fun?!

Fairy cake, fairy cake, fairy cake.

It's fun to say a lot.

I'm off to eat a fairy cake.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

car cover

Okay, so I understand car covers. I think they're a pretty good idea. It's probably good to protect your car from the sun. Especially a nice car. To keep that "fresh from the dealer" paint job.

And there's a guy at my apt. complex who covers his car before it snows so he can just peel that off and all the snow comes off with it. No brushing or scraping required! Great idea!

BUT! What I don't understand is a car cover in a parking garage. What does that do?

At work, I park in the garage. It's underground. There is NO sun. There is NO rain. There is NO snow.

What are you protecting your car from? Bird doo doo? Maybe. Birds do live down there.

Still, it shocks me every time I see it. Maybe they plan on leaving the car there for a long time and don't want it to get dusty. It has been there for two days already.

I think I'll get a car cover for my car. It'll have a cool design on it. Like a dragon. So when people park next to me, they'll know they parked next to a dragon.

OR! Make it a fire-breathing dragon! Then people won't park next to me because they'll be afraid of getting burned.

If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the parking garage! Sizzle!

Maybe they're afraid of dragon doo doo in their car. Dragons fly. And I bet they live in my parking garage too.

I'm off to cover my car.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

great grapes

I've been SO addicted to grapes lately. How could I not be?! They're so good!

I could eat them, like, ALL DAY! That's how good they are.

It's mad crazy how much I love them.

OH! Have you seen those grapes with seeds? I didn't even know that they made those! I just thought grapes appeared from rain drops or something. But, there are seedy ones. AND THEY ARE HUGE!

They're like mutant grapes! They're the size of an apple. Or a grapefruit, even! I would need a fork and knife to eat them!

Seriously. They're huge.

I'm almost afraid to try one. It might try to eat me, first.

But those mini champagne grapes? Those rock. I feel like a giant when I eat them. WHO'S THE MUTANT NOW, GRAPEY!

I'm off to eat more grapes. Seriously, they're that good.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

rabbi understudy

Somebody in my family is getting married. It's all pretty exciting. Mostly because I could be part of the show!

If, for some reason, the Rabbi gets sick, I get to officiate the wedding. That's right! I'm in charge!

Apparently, Massachusetts will officiate you any time you want. It's temporary, but I could do, like, 100 weddings in a 24-hour period!

How cool would that be?! I would keep it short and sweet.

"Hello. You two are now married. Kiss now and be excellent to each other."

Done! Off to the food and presents!

The officiator gets presents, right?

They better. I already registered on Amazon. It's all comic book stuff.

I'll take gift cards, too.

I'm off to practice my officiating.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

don't change a thing

A new study says that our personalities don't change from age 6 all the way through adulthood.

So if you wanted to change, I guess you can't. They followed 2,400 kids from Hawaii for 40 years.

I wish I was in Hawaii. Why didn't my parents get me into that study? We could have moved to Hawaii. And I could have become a surfer.

Do you ever wonder that maybe you were meant to be a prodigy at something, but you never got the chance to try it so you never found out that you could be so good at it?

I often wonder about that and my surfing career. Maybe that's what I was meant to do. I could have been a surfing star!

Probably not, though. Since I'm not much of a beach fan. I think surfers have to go to the beach.

I could carry the board, though. That would look cool.

I could have been a success at trying to look cool. If only I knew that at age 6.

Is it too late to change my personality? NOPE! Because I'ma gonna buy me a surf board!

I'm off to find a surfin' safari.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

fish smuggler

I don't know what would compel somebody to do this, but some guy was smuggling piranhas and stingrays. He was supposed to go to court today, but he disappeared.

Possibly because of an attack by piranhas and stingrays.

Who smuggles that?! Why not smuggle something soft and fluffy?! Like cotton candy! Or maybe you could smuggle pillows!

Is there a big market for piranhas and stingrays? Do people come up to you on the street wondering if you happen to have a stingray you'd be willing to part with?

Okay, so I've been asked that a few times, but that's the kind of crowd I hang with. Because I hang with a crowd that lives underwater.

And Aquaman. He's my friend, too. We hang out and play pool.

Heh...I never understood why he laughed every time we played pool until just now. I finally get the joke Aquaman! Very funny.

I'm off to smuggle a fish.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

hot nasa

The International Space Station is hot! The air conditioning is on the fritz. Uh oh!

Little known fact: I considered becoming an air conditioning repair guy for NASA when I was younger. It's true! Unfortunately, that required way too much work. Now I do this. Yeah...

NASA is going to send the folks on the ISS out for a spacewalk to fix the AC.

NASA said it's like "repairing your car with all of your ski clothes on, as well as your gloves, while you are on a pair of roller skates, on top of a mountain of ice, with billy goats biting your knees, during a sandstorm, with a hundred ninjas hitting you with sticks, while fighting the Hulk, while in the jungle, trying to climb a rope with butter on it."

Okay, so they didn't say ALL of that, but I'm not going to tell you where they stopped and where I started. I just said what they were thinking.

I'm off to fix my condenser coil.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

shark week again

Shark Week is happening again. That's cool. People seem to like that. They've been doing it for over 20 years.

Sharks are cool. They have lots of teeth. Which is good if you like gum.

There should be a Unicorn Week! Now THAT would be cool! You could put me in a cage and drop me into Pink Fairyland so I could observe the unicorn in its natural habitat!

I know the dangers. Glitter storms. Lightning sand. Gummy swamps.

But it does not matter! I WILL succeed!

For Unicorn Week! And Beyond!

I'm off to pack my bags.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

snail races

England has snail races.

So...there you go. Yep. They race snails. Because it's fun...I guess...

They have to go 13 inches. Why 13? Because any longer and people would fall asleep.

Sidney, this year's winner, did the course in a speedy 3 minutes and 41 seconds.

That almost seems too fast, but Sidney was tested for "speed enhancers" and was found clean. He's just a fast snail.

It would be cool if snails had, like, a jet engine in their shell. And a laser gun. OH! And missiles!

The shell could open up into a whole battle station! On their back!

If they could use all those things in the snail race, THAT would be pretty hard core! Like Snail Death Race 5000!

But it's not. So...there you go. Snail races.

I'm off to trick out my snail.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

leg window

Did you ever get into a hot car and just open all the doors to air it out a little? Isn't that breeze against your legs nice?

It is! So why don't we have leg windows? Just a little window that opens up around the knee area? Crack those open in the front of the car and feel the breeze!

Sure, there might be more rocks blowing into the car, but whatever. I can deal with a few bruises when I have that extra breeze!

And sure, at a stop sign, a small mammal might crawl into your car. But again, there is a comforting breeze! And who wouldn't want a friendly lemur or armadillo or anteater to come along for a ride?

Good idea, right? I'm pretty sure I'm a genius and should probably get tons of money for this idea.

Pretty sure.

I'm off to breeze my knees.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

lost stuff in space

A few cosmonauts (that's Russian for astronaut) were hanging out at the International Space Station this morning and...well...dropped a few things.

Fyodor and Mikhail were working on the station's new research room and things got slippery. Woops!

What did they drop? They weren't sure. Looked kinda like an attachment fixture. No biggie. They got some wire they can use to attach the new cables. Kinda like a twisty-tie.

Then an hour later, ANOTHER "something" started floating away. Uh-Oh! Butterfingers!

It's a good thing they have plenty of wire up there!

Mikhail: "Oh crackers." (translated from Russian)

Fyodor: "What?"

Mikhail: "Uh...nothing. Hey, you said we got some extra wire, right?"

Fyodor: "Yeah, why."

Mikhail: "Oh...no reason...you might wanna get that extra wire, though. And maybe a twisty-tie."

Phew! Problem solved.

I'm off to learn more Russian.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

crab queen

Ocean City, NJ is holding their 37th Annual Miss Crustacean Beauty Pageant for hermit crabs.

This implies that they have done it 36 times already.

1. After 36 years, how have I not heard about this yet?

B. What is going on in Ocean City that they decided to have a beauty pageant for crabs!?

It's based purely on good looks. No questions or bathing suits or anything. The prettiest crab wins. They win a crown and a cucumber trophy.

Hermit crabs look like they'd be good knights. They already have a suit of armor on. They have pointy legs. It would be pretty cool to have them fight stuff like evil demons or jellyfish. The crabs of the round table with King Crab Arthur.

OOOOH! And one could have a wizard hat! Merlyn the Hermit Crab! Or maybe he would be Hermyn the Hermyt Crab.

I'm not very good with English to Old English to Hermit Crab translation. I didn't even know there was an English to Old English to Hermit Crab conversion until I made it up just now.

Do you have a pretty hermit crab? Well you better get to Ocean City! The contest starts soon! But if you miss it this year, it seems pretty likely that they'll do it again next year. I mean, if nobody stopped it yet...after 36 years...it's prolly gonna happen again.

I'm off to decorate my crab.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

ninja time

Are you a ninja? If you are, that's cool. If you are NOT, welllllllllllll then, have we got a deal for you!

There's a guy in New York who will teach you "effective methods of self-protection" including "how to avoid the assault of a sword."

He can teach you how to be a ninja for only $195 a lesson! That's a bargain!

So, if you're looking for something to do this summer. Why not become a ninja?

Or maybe get a gift certificate for a loved one so they can become a ninja? I heard grandma wanted to learn some kenjutsu.

Even if she didn't say that, she was totally thinking it. All grandmas love ninjutsu.

I'm off to practice effective methods of self-protection.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

jelly vs. pitch

Or Fish Versus Fork! A jellyfish started attacking people at a beach in New Hampshire so a lifeguard grabbed a pitchfork and forked the jellyfish!

I want that lifeguard at my pool! A pitchfork?! It's like a trident! Maybe the lifeguard is actually Poseidon, God of the Sea! He used to carry a trident around.

How cool is that?! It's like Clash of the Titans around here! Giant mutant jellyfish are attacking the people and Poseidon, dressed as a lifeguard, is protecting humanity!

Can you imagine fighting off those tentacles with a pitchfork? Pretty awesome! I bet people tried shooting it with lasers first, but that didn't work.

OOOH! Maybe there was a damsel in distress, too! But Lifeguard-Poseidon (scuba gear sold separately) forked the giant, mutant jellyfish and it let her go. Then he caught her. And she looked into his eyes as his long hair was blowing in the breeze and said, "Help Poseidon. You're my only hope."

The battle went on for days, but everybody is now safe.

So, that was pretty epic. Oh, and if you actually read a news story about this, it might be different than what you just read, but mine is the truth. Newspaper people just didn't get all the facts. I did.

I'm off to find my trident.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

chuck e. cheese

So there's a mouse named Chuck E. Cheese. He seems like a decent guy. He owns a pretty sweet business. Pizza AND games! Now THAT'S how you make money!

But what is his middle name? E. That's all we know about him. I did some research and found two possibilities. And it took me a LONG time to find these! Mr. Cheese did NOT make this easy!

One rumor is that it stands for "Entertainment." Now, that seems fun, but not likely. When have you EVER met anybody with the name Entertainment? Never. It's barely a real name.

The other rumor is that there is no middle name. They just wanted it to sound like Chucky. But instead of calling him Chucky, they made sure you said his middle initial. That seems odd, too. Why even bother? Why not just call him Chucky Cheese? It's the same thing, isn't it?

There seems to be a lot of rumors and half-truths surrounding this Chuck character. I'm kinda thinking he might be one of those Russian spies. Or maybe he's a U.S. spy working in the Pizza and Gaming Agency.

Or the P.G.A.

WHOA! That's also some golf thing! This conspiracy goes deeper than I thought! It's a good thing I'm writing this from the safety of an underground bunker. I can already tell that they're after me.

So be careful. Golfers who love pizza and using coins to win things with tickets are a very dangerous group of highly trained ninjas. You have been warned. Hopefully you'll hear from me again. You never know who's listening.

I'm off to get some "pizza" and "games" and "secrets."

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

write like right

I heard about this site called "I WRITE LIKE" or something and I tried it. Basically, you copy and paste some of your writing onto the website and it will analyze it and tell you who you write like.

Turns out, after trying three different blog entries, I write like three different people! Dan Brown, Chuck Palaha-somethingish, and Stephen King.

I actually haven't read anything by any of them. I did use my UFO blog from last week and that was the "Stephen King" write-like. Maybe I got SK because I wrote about UFOs. But I also wrote about baby ducks, which aren't scary. Unless he wrote a book about ducklings that kill you with quackness.

Or maybe they have eyes that turn into knives and shoot out at people! Those would be some scary ducklings! I would call that movie "What The Duck?!"

It would also be in 3D. Like "How To Train Your Dragon." But different...because it doesn't have dragons.

Turns out this blog is also written like Stephen King. I guess it's scary. But not in a "Cujo" kinda way. More like a "why do they let this guy write blogs" kinda way.

I'm off to write like me.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

the china ufo

Wow! Did you see that? It was a UFO in China! I watched the video. It's totally cool.

I guess it happened last week, but the videos and pictures are just coming out now. And nobody seems to know what it is.

If they do know, they aren't talkin'!

They had to shut down the Xiaoshan Airport for an hour to let this thing pass! It was like when you have to wait for some stray ducklings to cross the road.

Maybe it was a little lost ship crossing the space. It just needed to get across the sky to get to its mommy. And that stopped air traffic.

So don't be mad! It's just a baby! It doesn't know any better! Give it a break!

Sometimes you can lure baby spaceships across the sky faster with bread crumbs and plutonium. I don't know why they didn't try that.

Baby spaceships are cute. And it's funny when their feathers get all ruffled up.

I'm off to find some bread crumbs.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

cow day

Today is Cow Appreciation Day!

To that I say, "What has a cow done for me lately?"

You may think a lot, but I'm not so sure. I don't really eat burgers and I don't drink milk. Not because I'm a vegetarian or anything. I just don't like them very much.

I do have a leather wallet that I bought about 12 years ago. It's a "Legend of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time" wallet. I got it from Nintendo. It's a good wallet. It has lasted a LONG time. I guess I appreciate that. I'm pretty sure it's made from cow. I don't know for sure, though.

Did you know that there is a zelda.com? I just found out! I haven't played a Zelda game in a long time. I used to love that game. I loved it so much that I bought a wallet about it!

Cows are cool, I guess. They do seem to like Shakespeare. So, they're cultured.

Anyway, hug a cow today. Unless that's dangerous. Then don't. I don't know if they have boundary issues or not. I do. If a cow wants to hug me, there may be a problem.

I'm off to cow town.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

feel the bastille

Bastille Day needs better PR. Did anybody even know that it was Bastille Day? I barely knew it. I found it on a scrap of paper on the sidewalk. That's how little people care.

But they SHOULD care! In 1789 people in France turned off TV and stormed the Bastille dungeon!

The monarchy was all, "You don't like French Idol? YOU GO TO JAIL!"

And the people were all like, "That's not fair! I want to watch NCIS!"

And the Kings and Queens were all like, "That's not a bad show, but you HAVE to watch French Idol! Until they invent some sort of device that lets you record two programs at once, you will watch what we tell you to watch!"

Remember, this happened way back in 1789 and they didn't have the dual-tuner DVR yet. They also yelled a lot.

So, they started a revolution.

But nobody even cares! In honor of my love of French stuff like fries and dressing and Renoir, I'm starting a new ad campaign for Bastille Day.

Loud sound of thunder: "BADOOOOOOM!"

Deep voice guy: "FEEL THE BASTILLE!"

Thunder again: "BADOOOOOOM!"

Then a bolt of lightning flashes across the screen: "FLAZASH!"

Deep voice guy: "IN FRANCE!"

Then big explosion sound: "BOOOOOM!!!!!!!"

And that is what gets people excited.

I'm off to record two things at once.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

it sounded good

Soooooooooo...I was reading some stuff about food this weekend. I came across an article with the 10 best things to do with Nutella.

Now, as you should know, I'm a HUGE fan of Nutella. I started using it very recently for pretty much everything. Sandwiches, dipping, frosting, scrubbing, cleaning, mailing, you know...everything.

One thing I never tried was putting a spoonful in my coffee! I don't know how I missed that! This article told me to do that. They said it would taste great!

It! Did! not. Which is really weird because it totally should. Instead, it just tasted kinda icky. So I made a new coffee and just snacked on the tub of Nutella separately. That was MUCH better. Nutella makes a pretty good breakfast. Not a pretty good coffee.

Now, I won't stop you from TRYING this, but you have been warned. Warn-ed!

I'm off to Nutella the sink.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

secret agents

I always KNEW that the government had secret agents, but did you know that they have secret, SECRET agents?

Like a chupacabra? If you don't know, a chupa is kinda like a vampire, hyena-looking-ish creature that drinks the blood of goats. Most people thought they didn't exist, but they do. The government has them. Well, they WORK for the government, at least.

Obama put one in Arizona to "encourage" them to repeal the new immigration law. It's true! I read the news story online!

I'm pretty sure the government also has dinosaurs working for it. I saw a picture once of Obama riding a triceratops to work.

And Rahm Emanuel has a unicorn that he races with on the weekends. He doesn't ride the unicorn. They race each other. Rahm is very fast.

Oh, and there's an unconfirmed report that General Patraeus has an army of centaurs. Just in case they are needed...for something.

I thought this only happened in comic books! I didn't know it was real! (And it does happen in comic books. For related stories about "mythical" creatures working for the government, feel free to read the comic books "Proof" and "Perhapanauts.")

I'm off to race a unicorn.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

bring me 3-D

I love that movies are in 3-D now. It's so much better. I can't even watch a movie if it isn't in 3-D anymore. It doesn't look real. I can TOTALLY believe a 3-D movie.

And that is why I want comic books to get in on this 3-D action. Comic books are a tough sell these days. BUT, if they were in 3-D, I bet EVERYBODY would buy them! Why would you read a book when you could read a comic book in 3-D?!

I know there is all sorts of new technology for the new 3-D movies, so there has to be some way to make comic books look totally rad in 3-D.

That's all. I just kinda want that to happen.

Maybe if we all join hands, we can make it happen. Or an online petition. I've heard of both of those things working in the past.

I'm pretty sure 3-D comic books would bring world peace. I saw a study on it once. I may have done the study in crayon on the back of a paper placemat, but it was still a study.

100% of the people I asked said that it would create world peace. I asked myself and that was my answer. 100%.

Done.

I'm off to start holding hands.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

poet laureate

There is a new Poet Laureate! Yes! I also have no idea what that means! I think it has something to do with lassoing a poet. But maybe it has to do with rhyming cowboys.

Wonder Woman is cool because she has a golden laureate.

Whatever it is, W.S. Merwin is the new Poet Laureate.

I like this guy. Wanna know why? He feels that punctuation is too confining. I'm not talking about being on time. I'm talking about all these periods and question marks and apostrophes that we use. They hold him back! He says that we don't use them when we talk to somebody, so why use them in writing?

Love it. Punctuation is SO yesterday. No punc. is the new black. I don't even know why I'm still using them now.

Non-poets probably think Merwin is a loose cannon. And they'd be right. I think he's the inspiration for Jack Bauer from 24. When Jack would recite poetry. Which he did often, but it always looked like he was yelling at people. Remember: loose. cannon.

I'm off to punctuate.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

fire to the works

LOTS of fireworks are happening these days! It is the 4th of July weekend where we celebrate the Byzantine Empire's arrival in America to find freedom of interchangeable parts.

And they beat up a bunch of robots that ate trees. Which was helpful to the paper industry. Along with interchangeable parts.

It was a good year for paper.

And we celebrate with fireworks! Yay! I love fireworks. My favorite thing is waking up 4th of July morning and finding fireworks under the tree.

Remember Jubilee from the X-Men? She could kinda shoot fireworks from her hands. Okay, so they weren't EXACTLY fireworks, but close enough. They were plasmoids that exploded. Still pretty cool.

I dressed up as Jubilee for a 4th of July party one year. They told me it was a costume party. I SWEAR they said that!

I guess they were joking. You should look up a picture of Jubilee and then imagine that on me. It was pretty hot. Especially the jean shorts.

I'm off to fire up the works!

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

big day

Not only was there a new pond at work today, but I got my order from amazon!

I really thought the pond was going to be the big story, but they cleaned that up with a wet/dry vac. The pond is gone, but when I got into work this morning, there could have been some fishin' going on. It was pretty huge.

I did get some great stuff from amazon, though! And it was all my stuff. It looks like my stuff. Let me check again.

...

Yep...Batman comics and coffee. The little shipment slip that came in the box said something different. I don't know HOW it happened, but Courtney's order slip for Schaum's Outline of Statistics and Schaum's Outline of Financial Management got into my box!

So, it's possible that Courtney, in Chicago, is looking at my order right now. She's probably glad that she got her 5 copies of Statistics and 2 copies of Financial Management.

I'm SOOOOOO glad I didn't get them! What am I going to do with that? Become a stock broker? What does Financial Management even mean?! I'm guessing it has something to do with lemurs, but I really have no idea.

So, Courtney, if you're reading this, I hope you enjoyed my shipment slip. And I hope your statistics are as exciting as my Batman.

I doubt it, though. Let me know if you want to trade for a week. I won't read your books, but at least you get to read something exciting and non-statistic-y.

I'm off to read Batman's Outline of Statistics and Awesomeness.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

pick her up

I saw an interesting article telling guys how NOT to pick up the ladies. Not pick-up lines but rather modes of transportation.

And I can't help but disagree with ALL of them!

Unicycle: Really? What woman wouldn't want to be picked up on a unicycle?! I once had this game for Super Nintendo called Uniracers and it was awesome! If a woman doesn't want a ride on a unicycle, she gets no ride at all!

Pony: Don't girls love ponies? Heck, don't GUYS love ponies?! I do. And riding a pony to the movies is probably the best way to go on a date. AND it's cute.

Segway Scooter: Okay...I guess I could go either way with this one. The good thing is that two people on a Segway can get really tight. So that means she wants to be close to you. The bad thing is that it's really hard to steer one of those bad boys with two people on it. Trust me, I've tried.

Roller Skates: Wow...they are SO wrong with this. Any guy that can roller skate is probably the COOLEST guy in the world! Imagine going out to dinner and instead of both of you walking to the restaurant, he roller skates and you walk. All the girls seeing his slick moves would be so jealous of your catch. You'd be hotter than sea horse!

Wanna know what's lame? Fancy cars. That's so last year.

Oh, and chairs on wheels. I know they're fun at work, but it's really hard to keep those moving with two people. Even harder than a Segway. And if she has to sit on your lap the whole night, your keys are going to press into your thigh. Not always pleasant, but helpful if you need a mold of your keys.

I'm off to race my unicycle.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

text all

Have you ever gotten a text from somebody that says "I'm bored! Help!" or has some other message looking for a response only to find out that they sent that text to everybody?

I hate it when that happens. A friend of mine did that. I felt badly for her, so I texted her back. I thought, "It's nice of her to think that I'm entertaining enough to be her text conversation right now."

But I wasn't! I was just one fish a huge ocean of friends! She texted everybody. EVERYBODY! And I get suckered into it.

People do that during the holidays, too. They'll send a "Happy Thanksgiving" text to everybody. At least with email, you can see everybody else who got it. Unless they hide it. I don't go for that.

It seems less personal when that happens. They are not sending it to you. They are just sending it. There is no love!

I just felt so used.

I'm off to send a personal text to one person.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

mail

It's my grandmother's birthday. So, I mailed her a card. But, I always wonder if it looks weird to the post office when I do that. Not because the card is weird or anything, but because I put "Grammy" on the address.

What am I supposed to do? If I were to send something to my brother or sister, I would put their name. Sometimes when I send stuff to my parents, I put "Mom" or "Dad." But most of the time I'll put their full name.

But my grandmother? Why would I put her full name? She's "Grammy" to me.

What do you put? Should I start sending things out saying "Brother" or "Sister?" Not that I send them anything, but if I did, I could do that.

Of course, then they would know it was from me. So where's the surprise in that?

Oh, I never put return addresses on my mail. I know. They hate that. But it's more fun that way.

As far as I know, my mail has always gotten to where it needs to be. So I guess I'm doing it right. Or write! (get it? Because I'm sending letters? That I write??? Yeah...)

I'm off to get the mail.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ