a dot for every occasion

DOTS are the greatest candy ever. How do I know that? I eat them. THAT is how I know. Somebody harnessed the sweet taste of heaven and put it into a small chewy “dot” for humans to enjoy.

A mysterious person named “Tootsie Roll” keeps making them in a magical land called “Chicago.”

I know those words are strange, but I promise I didn't make them up. Nobody has ever seen this “Tootsie Roll” or been to this “Chicago” place, but I know they are real because DOTS keep coming to the store.

AND we are currently in a DOTS Enlightenment!

I got Valentine’s Day DOTS! Did you know they had those?! THEY DO!

There’s, like, a DOT for every holiday!

I mean, Original DOTS are great. Tropical DOTS are good on the beach. But what about when you want to celebrate Halloween?

Ghost DOTS and Bat DOTS!

They also have Christmas DOTS and Easter DOTS AND these Valentine DOTS that are red and pink and DELICIOUS!

So if you want to give something special to that person you love this Valentine’s Day, forget the diamonds and the gold and cash gifts. Show them you REALLY care with DOTS!

Any other gift says, “You’re kinda okay, but I don’t love you enough to get you DOTS.”

It’s true. You might as well write that in the card if you don’t get them DOTS. I think there is a “I didn't get you DOTS for Valentine’s Day” section in the card store. It’s next to the “Sympathy” section.

I’m off to get some DOTS and sympathy.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

tales from the candy crypt

It's time for Halloween!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is that enough of an exclamation? I hope it is! Since I'm such a nice guy, I decided to help all of those parents out there with children. I guess all parents would have children. You wouldn't technically be a parent unless there was a child. I think I mean parents of young children that are going out trick-or-treating tonight.

I know there are a lot of safety concerns and we don't want the little ghosts and goblins to get hurt, so I have some tips on what you should and shouldn't do tonight.

Now pay attention:

Unless your child is actually a REAL ninja, do not let them dress as a ninja in all black. It's good for them to blend into the night if they are actually fighting off samurais from the Neko clan, BUT if they are going out just to get candy, it's not too safe. Here's the solution: Buy a bright green ninja costume. This way they will stand out against darkness of night. If your green ninja wants to know why they are bright green, just tell them that they would blend in if they were in a huge, open, grass field on a cartoon. The grass on cartoons is usually bright and green. Therefore, we could not see your day-glow ninja.

Pirates are another great costume, but tend to be darker colors. Again, that is not safe at night. Instead, be a Pink Pirate! Pink is easy to see at night, and if you ask any pirate, they will tell you that they wish they could get away with wearing pink. It's true. Have you ever met a real pirate? I have. And they LOVE pink.

If you're going to be a pirate, do NOT bring a real sword around with you. I know it sounds like a great idea, but it's not. Once people start hearing about a real pirate around town, they will lock their doors. When that happens, there is no more candy to get. It's better to be nice to the candy-givers than to threaten them. You want them to keep giving you candy every year. If things get all stabby...well...they might not give you candy next year.

Finally, and this is the MOST important piece of advice you will ever get in your life, so put down your ipods and hoola hoops, kids, because I'm only going to say this once...EAT AS MUCH CANDY AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN AS SOON AS YOU GET HOME. You need as much sugar in your system as you can get so you can make it through the time change on Sunday. Riboflavin, too. Without these two ingredients in your body, I cannot guarantee that you will make it through the time change without any side effects. I've seen a lot of strange things happen to people who didn't overload on sugar and riboflavin before the time change.

I'm only here for your safety. It's a tough job trying to keep the world safe, but it's what I do.

I'm off to watch the green ninjas battle the pink pirates.

Enjoy!

-DJ

halloween memories

Do you remember your most favoritest costume when you were a kid? I think I do. I'm not sure because I can't remember most of them, BUT I do remember one that I loved.

Spaceman!

It was this white suit and helmet with a blue belt and blue plastic visor. I had a ray gun as well. Not a real ray gun, but a fake one that made sounds. Ok, so it didn't make noise unless I made "PCHOOOOOO" sounds, but my sounds were pretty convincing and I think they may have convinced a few people that my ray gun was real.

Of course, once they saw that it was made of plastic, they knew it wasn't real. Everyone knows that real ray guns are made of adamantium. Otherwise they'll melt when being used. Duh.

As a spaceman, from outer space, I probably saved the universe a bunch of times. IN FACT, I think I saved many other universes as well because my space ship could go pretty fast...and had, like, real ray guns and space bombs and pineapple juice on it. Aliens HATE pineapple juice. This is weird, because I love it.

Anyway, I actually remember that costume. I think there are old pictures of me in other costumes for halloween. I'm pretty sure I went as raggedy Andy one year. Maybe it was raggedy Anne. They both look alike to me.

I think I also when out as Ernie one year. I had to wear one of those plastic masks that they don't make anymore because you can't see out of them. They are also gross because all your face moisture stays on the inside of the mask making it horribly uncomfortable. Blindness and face sweat were worth a bag full of candy, though.

So, did you have any wonderful costumes when you were a kid? I wish I could remember more, but I'm pretty sure all that candy messed up my memory. For all I know, I'm just making all this up.

I'm off to play with my ray gun.

PCHOOOOOOO! PCHOOOOOO!

Enjoy!

-DJ

it's not a costume, it's a uniform

It's time again for my job to have its Halloween Costume Ball. I've decided recently that I'm a little torn about halloween. On one hand, it is a holiday for candy. On the other hand, I have to dress up. Then again...candy...at least there used to be candy.

Yeah. I don't get candy anymore, do I. I can't go to people's houses and ask for treats because I'm too old. I've tried it. They don't like giving out candy to the big kids. You little kids should still go out there and get candy. As much as your little arms can carry. Then get more and drag the bag home. Maybe bring a wagon to hold multiple bags. Wheels on the wagon cause less friction allowing you to carry more. It all has to do with wheels and axles and simple machines. See, kids? Science gives you more candy!

I think I used to love halloween because I would dress up and get candy. Now all I do is dress up. There is no candy. That is why I've been lazy finding a costume for this year's party. I used to get a reward (candy) for putting on a costume. Now I have to put on a costume to work for free. I don't get prizes or anything (pouting).

Last year I was Superman. It was fun. It wasn't very creative, but that didn't matter to me anymore. I tried to be creative in the past, but nobody got the jokes. I used to think up costumes, but I had to explain myself all night.

My big idea this year was to go as a paper clip. I would hold paper all night. I could also be a stapler...and hold paper all night.

I guess the good thing about halloween is that candy goes on sale right afterwards. If I can wait long enough, it'll be 90% off. Unfortunately, that'll probably be the candy that nobody wants. Like candy corn. yuck.

I hate to be a downer, but halloween has beaten me. Do you hear that halloween! You won! I will still eat your candy, but I will not dress up for you!

Maybe I could go as a trick-or-treater and carry around a bag of candy. That way I will have candy all night! Sweet.

I'm off to work on my costume.

Enjoy!

-DJ