secret invasion

Science is fun! I just wanted to yell that first. Ahem...

So, it's getting close to black hole time! The large hadron collider is up and running in Europe and soon it will start making protons hit one another and hopefully make tiny black holes so we can study what happens when we have little big bangs.

I know what you're thinking, and yes, physicists are bullies. Why else would they make protons beat each other up? These poor, defenseless protons are just swirling around having a good time, and those scientists with doctorates (more like dorktorates) are making them fight. For their sick enjoyment.

On the plus side, it will be really cool to find out if there are other dimensions and maybe find the Higgs boson so we can explain that pesky problem with the standard model of particle physics. That nags at me every night. You too? I hear ya. It's like, I could get so much done if only that Higgs boson could be found. I'm sure I would be a huge success in life if I could only stop obsessing over the missing Higgs boson.

I have decided to use the Higgs boson as a scapegoat.

Anyway, there are some folks who are afraid that making little black holes will end the world. The science saying otherwise is pretty convincing. These black holes will be tiny and only be around for a fraction of a second. When I say fraction of a second, I mean fraction in the smallest sense of the word.

I know what their real worry is. Alien invasion.

Let me explain. We create little black holes, right? Ok, so maybe one of them gets out and starts up a quiet life in a small farming village in Germany. It doesn't cause any problems because it's quiet and keeps to itself, so nobody really notices. Plus, it's microscopic. So, das black hole starts spinning and creating a tiny universe and a tiny galaxy with tiny planets. These tiny planets will quickly have creatures that evolve into intelligent beings. Why? Because when things are tiny they evolve faster. Blame it on Higgs. Then these tiny people will get into tiny spaceships and attempt to attack the human race.

There will be one small problem though.

They're tiny and their spaceships are shaped like mosquitoes. We constantly swat them when they try to inject us with their tiny planet poison and they die. If they do inject us, it's such a small amount that it only makes us itch a little.

So, if you're worried, don't be. We have bug zappers that will take care of this pesky alien invasion.

We DO have to worry if they start making bigger black holes. But they can only do that if they get the super-sized hadron collider, and that's, like, 39 cents more. They pretty much spent all their money on this large one. Maybe if they look in the cushions they can find some change for another dollar-menu collider like the Fermilab one, but they should probably save it.

I know, I know...a dollar is more than 39 cents, but I really wanted to get a joke in this blog about Fermilab and that's the best I could do. Let's assume that they already bought the large and they can't get the super-sized collider until they save up at least $5.59, so it's better to just go with the dollar. Make sense? I thought not.

I'm off to collide hadronically.

Enjoy!

-DJ