Tuesday, March 31, 2009

putting the fun in fundoshi

Ladies! The time has come for liberation! The time has come for freedom! The time has come for loincloths!

Wikipedia says that a loincloth is a male garment. I hate to use wikipedia as a reference because pretty much anybody can write on there, but I'm pretty sure they wouldn't lie about this. Unfortunately, nobody has updated their loincloth page in a while because a company in Japan is making loincloths for women. To give them "freedom and release."

Loincloths, or "fundoshi" in Japanese, are the new "it" product in Japan. They come in multiple colors and designs. I don't know hot comfortable they would be if you like to wear pants, but maybe they'd be good for a skirt.

I'm pretty sure women have been upset that loincloths were strictly for men. I remember a whole chapter on it during my Women's Studies course in college. I even wrote an essay on it. It was entitled "What I Did On My Summer Vacation And Why Women Should Be Allowed To Wear Loincloths."

I got an A+++++++++++++++++++ for it. It was that good. I had pie charts and bar graphs and pictures and video and lasers and satellites and 3-D glasses. I'm surprised I'm not getting credit for creating the fundoshi since I had a conference with a Japanese company right after my report. They said they didn't like the idea. Apparently, they lied.

Or maybe none of that actually happened. I'm not sure which.

So, for $13 you can get your very own loincloth. That is 1,260 yen. If you carry yen. I do. You never know when you need to make a day trip to Japan.

I'm off to buy a loincloth.



Monday, March 30, 2009

seeing eye animals

There is a blind lady in Texas with a seeing eye animal. Normally this animal is a dog, but not for Tabitha. Nope! She has a seeing eye horse! That's right! The horse, Trixie, gets Tabitha to where she needs to go. Probably someplace that sells hay because horses like hay. And maybe the grocery store so Tabitha can eat, too.

I'm not sure if Tabitha actually rides Trixie around or is just lead around, but either way, it's pretty cool. The people in town don't seem to like it, but I think they're just jealous because they don't have a horse.

I didn't even know horses could be trained as a seeing eye animal! If I ever need one, maybe I can get an elephant. OR A SEEING EYE TRICERATOPS!

That might be hard to find, so I'll settle for something less exotic...like a tiger.

Imagine having a horse that knew how to get everywhere in town. Like the candy store. You could just tell it where to go and you don't have to pay attention. It's like a car that drives itself! I gotta get me one of those seeing eye horses.

I'm pretty sure people will say that I'm not allowed because I am not blind, but I should be allowed because I am lazy. I'm not saying blind people are lazy. I AM saying I'm lazy and want to abuse the services allowed to the blind, that's all.

Nothing wrong with that, right?

I'm off to find my guide-tiger.



Friday, March 27, 2009

ink licker

You may have heard that some big newspaper companies are having a tough time these days. The economy is really hurting them. I think that's a shame because I love newspapers. I HATE reading stuff online.

Except blogs, of course. Reading blogs online is wonderful. Please read my blog...

Anyway...since times are tough, one company has decided to save the newspaper business. With lickable ink.

That's right! They have made ink you can lick right off the page! 59% of 1.5 million lickers loved it! And 59% of people can't be wrong!

Isn't technology great? It would be awesome if you could get your newspaper in different flavors. I would get cherry.

"This is an interesting article! It seems that Antarctica is actually a large ice creature from Brooklyn! It just likes to sit down there because it's cold!"


"What a tasty and educational story! I love licking my paper!"

It's good to see newspapers get saved.

OOOOOOH!!!!! I just thought of something! I bet the comics section would be super fruity! All those different colors could be flavors! I'm so excited about this now!!!!!!!!

I'm off to lick my paper!



Wednesday, March 25, 2009

salsa bunny

I like salsa. It's so good! Of course, I'm a little weird when it comes to food. I only like certain kinds of salsa. BUT, I will try them all. I don't want to miss out on that one AMAZING salsa that I haven't tried yet.

So, I bought some of that fresh cut salsa that is in the vegetable section...which means it counts as a vegetable!

I don't know how sales are for the fresh salsa, but I don't think they are good. Because their advertising STINKS!

There is a picture of a cute little bunny WITH A GIANT CLEAVER! WHO WOULD BUY THAT?!

"Hmmm...I can't decide what salsa to get. This Scooby Doo Salsa with a cute picture of Scooby or this fresh salsa with a killer bunny. What would my kids rather eat?"

I'll tell you what they'd rather eat! Scooby Doo! Cleaver-bunny will just scare them away and they'll never eat vegetables again! And they will be afraid of bunnies forever!

What was that company thinking?!

"What do we have for our new line of fresh salsa?"

"We have two options! This cute parade of cuddly vegetables and a bunny holding a giant cleaver."

"Hmmm....I can see the appeal of cute veggies, but something in me wants to scare little children. Go with the cleaver-bunny."

"Are you sure?"

"When I say go with the killer bunny...YOU GO WITH THE KILLER, CLEAVER-BUNNY!"

I'm pretty sure that is exactly how they decided to go with the bunny. Holding a cleaver.

I'm off to eat my veggies...as long as no bunnies are around.



Tuesday, March 24, 2009

public transportation

I'm a fan of public transportation. It's good for the environment and it's pretty cheap, so you can't go wrong with that!

Normally, I would encourage people to use public transportation, but there is one spot that I would stay away from it.


I was watching a Superman cartoon the other day and realized that NOBODY should use public transportation there. There is ALWAYS a train, monorail, or bus that is about to crash. Superman always seems to save everybody, but it's still risky. I mean, if he's fighting a big robot that smashes everything up, he could get knocked down for a second AND IN THAT SECOND, the train could come off the rails.

I would hope not, but seriously, why wouldn't you just get a car?! What if giant emu is destroying the city and eats your car? You have insurance! There HAS to be coverage for that sort of thing in Metropolis. It just makes sense.

That's all. I'm just trying to look out for the people of Metropolis. I'd hate to see anything bad happen. It's kind of like I'm saving lives...because I'm a superhero.

Sort of.

I'm off to save the world...with sound advice!



Monday, March 23, 2009

taxes stink

I did my taxes this weekend. It was not great.

I have decided that I have to become rich someday so I can pay somebody to do my taxes. That is the only reason. I realized that I hate doing my taxes and I don't ever want to do them again. Next year, somehow, I have to make enough money to pay a trained professional to do my taxes.

I DID get them all done, in case you are curious. I am also getting money back. Hopefully. Unless I did something wrong. Then I will hear from the government and they will beat me with money bags. Those tax people don't mess around.

I'm a little upset that I have to waste a stamp for my taxes, though. I mean, I just spent HOURS doing math for the government and they have the audacity to charge ME for it! Those envelopes in the tax booklets should say "no stamp needed if mailed in the U.S." But NOOOOOOOOOO!

I'm a little insulted. That's not my government working for me. That's me wasting good money. I will write an angry letter to Barack. And I will NOT put a stamp on it.

Take that tax-people.

I'm off to buy some stamps.



Friday, March 20, 2009

time to wake up

I don't know about you, but I need multiple alarm clocks to wake up in the morning. It's tough! It's really early!

I bet you sometimes have trouble waking up in the morning. Unless you don't have to do anything, then you can probably lounge around all morning. I would much rather do that.

If you do still have to wake up, I found an alarm clock that might make your day a little better. De Dietrich (which is supposed to be a person's name. I don't know if De Dietrich is male or female.) has created an alarm clock that makes coffee, pours a cup of juice and pops out a piece of yummy toast.

I don't know if it actually makes any buzzing noise to wake you up, but if you can wake up to the smell of toast, then I guess you're all set.

I can't see this waking me up. Unless it pours the coffee on my face, followed by the cup of juice and then shoots the toast at me. And it really has to fire that thing. I might not wake up with hot and cold beverages poured on me. Or, I might not wake up enough, so it may be helpful to get a rocket powered piece of toast shot at my noggin, too.

I don't think it actually does any of that, but it DOES have a little drawer for butter. Which, again, unless it is stuck up my nose, will not wake me up.

Maybe this would be enough for you. Maybe not. Do you want toast fired at your head every morning? Yes? Well then, maybe you can invent that alarm clock. The toast-shooter.

I would buy it.

I'm off to set my alarms.



Thursday, March 19, 2009

no more mosquitoes

Have you been hoping that scientists would figure out a way to get rid of mosquitoes? I bet you have. We're lucky to have bug zappers and fly swatters, but those don't really kill them enough.

Have you ever thought to yourself, "There has to be a better way to destroy these pesky bugs!"

Well! That way is here! WITH LASERS!

Scientists have created a mosquito laser. Without getting into too much detail, lights shine onto mosquitoes, computers target them from the shadow, then the laser shoots them. And we all know what happens when you get shot with a laser.


I wonder if that isn't a little excessive. I mean, sure mosquitoes are annoying, but lasers? Really? Isn't that like trying to wash dishes with a fire hose and sandpaper?

"Okay! Hold that plate! When I turn on the hose...scrub!"

"Got it!"

"Here we go!"


And the poor chap holding the sandpaper gets whammered into the next town. And it's a bad town full of zombie bunnies. So clearly, this is a bad idea.

There you go. Mosquito lasers. I don't know if we're safe from them, but hopefully I won't get lasered. Or whammered.

I'm off to drink from the fire hose.



Wednesday, March 18, 2009

crazy march

Somebody at work asked me to fill out a bracket. I think money is involved, but I cannot confirm that. Partly because it is illegal and partly because I get confused when people start talking about sports and forget to pay attention.

So, in order to prepare for the madness that happens in March, I have printed out a bracket. I don't get it. There are a bunch of cities and they have numbers next to them. Yeah...that's about all I can tell you.

I don't think all of them are cities, actually. Xavier is on there. I'm pretty sure he's the guy who found the X-Men. I don't THINK he plays basketball, but he might!

Also, Gonzaga is on there. They have the number 4. Gonzaga?! Is Gonzaga a city? Is it a cheese? Is it a little mouse that plays basketball?

OH! And Purdue is on there. I know FOR A FACT that he makes chicken! I think this whole bracket thing is a scam. Chickens do NOT play basketball. Scientists have tried to teach chickens how to play basketball, but it just can't be done.

Who will be my champion, you ask? Well, I figure I'll put the chickens against the X-Men for my final game and clearly the X-Men will win. I mean, Wolverine has claws that come out of his hands. If that doesn't take care of a chicken, I don't know what will.

I'm off to fill my bracket.



Tuesday, March 17, 2009

cake and chowder

Strange things happen to me sometimes. At least, I think they're strange.

I live in an apartment building. There are people who live around me. I call them "neighbors." I'm not really friends with any of my neighbors, but they're nice. We say "hello" in the hallway and hold the door for each other. It works out well.

Of course, when canned soup or related canned products are involved, then things start to get crazy.

I was walking to my door and my neighbor was walking to her door. We said hello and then she offered me some Manhattan clam chowder. I know she was being nice, but it's an odd offer. When's the last time somebody randomly offered you some Manhattan clam chowder?

Well that wasn't all. Since I declined the chowder, she offered me a big piece of chocolate cake. Yep. She was walking down the hall with a can of chowder and a slice of cake. On a plate.

I also declined the cake. So, maybe you've been offered a slice of cake. MAYBE you've been offered a can of chowder. BUT, when have you been offered both? NEVER! If you have, I would love to hear about it.

"Would you like some chowder?"

"No. But thank you."

"Hmmm...not a chowder fan, huh? Then maybe you are a CHOCOLATE CAKE FAN!"

I am actually not a chocolate cake fan. Angel food. With funfetti. Now THAT'S cake.

I know, she was just being nice and I appreciate that, but I didn't want to take them because I knew I wouldn't eat them and they would just sit there.

Maybe next time we say hello she'll have garlic breadsticks and fettucini alfredo. And funfetti.

I'm off to check for hallway food.



Monday, March 16, 2009

new hips for sale!

This financial thing is causing a lot of problems. One of the big problems is job loss. Another problem is just the FEAR of job loss.

With that comes the loss or change of health benefits. So, to make sure everything is in working order, people are getting surgery done...whether they need it or not.

That's right, doctors are seeing people come in and ask for hip replacements. They don't NEED one yet, but they still want to get one. You know, just in case. I can't argue with that logic. If you had one hip for 50 years, you might as well get a new one for the next 50. It's like getting a new timing belt after 90,000 miles; you know that you'll probably need one at some point, so you might as well be safe and get it before your car breaks down.

I have decided that I would also rather be safe than sorry. I will be going in for a new knee (ha! that's fun to say "new knee"), a new hip, a couple of ribs and maybe a new elbow.

I am also hoping to get some robot parts. I don't know what's available, but maybe I could get a robot arm. Like Luke Skywalker, but my arm will change on my command. Like, I could think about changing my hand into a fork, and it will change.

I will also see if I can get retractable wings. So I can fly. And look awesome.

I'm off to check my benefits for "robotic parts."



Friday, March 13, 2009

have a slice of pi

Tomorrow is Pi Day. Get it? It's 3/14? Yeah. Math geeks LOVE this. Actually, physicists love it too because it's Albert Einstein's birthday. Pretty spooky, right!?

I suppose it is not an international holiday. Why? Well, other countries do their dates differently. Actually, they do it in a normal way, WE do it differently. They put the day/month/year but we do month/day/year. Day/month/year seems to make more sense, doesn't it? I mean, it goes in order of changes. Oh well...it'll go up there with my love of the metric system. (I found out that the U.S., Myanmar and Liberia are the only three places on earth that DO NOT use metric.)

So, we can call our Liberian friends and celebrate Pi Day. Unless there is a 31st of April. Hold on...


I just looked at the calendar. There is no 31/4.

How can you celebrate Pi Day? By eating pie, of course! The Exploratorium in San Francisco will be having pie (with fruit fillings) and pizza pie! They will also be writing poetry about Pi. And having a geeky time shouting out the numbers 3.14 blah, blah, blah.

How can you celebrate? Shout out "Sweet Pi!" at 1:59 tomorrow. (Get it? 3/14 at 1:159? Pi is 3.14159. Those math geeks are a clever bunch, aren't they?)

If you know anybody who loves math, humor them. This is like their Mardi Gras. I'm not kidding. They have beads and everything. Unfortunately, if you catch some beads, then you have to "show your pi." That only means that you recite pi to whatever place you can remember. Some people memorized, like, hundreds of places. They usually miss pie time.

It may sound irrational, but...oh forget it...I just wanted to get that joke in there.

I'm off to get some cherry pi.



Thursday, March 12, 2009


I know it sounds like a playful element, but it can be dangerous. Mostly because it's flammable. So, if you plan on hanging out with hydrogen, I would avoid the backyard bonfire. Or at least invite another hydrogen and call up oxygen to come over, even if he is a dork. It would be a safer situation.

The Discovery space shuttle had to scrub its mission again because they found out that hydrogen was leaking. This is bad. Have you ever seen a space shuttle launch? There is a lot of fire happening. With a lot of hydrogen floating around, things might go boom boom.

And there have been a few hydrogen-gas-leak problems in the past month. I don't know about you, but that is pretty scary.

Let's say you had a monster under your bed. This monster likes to tickle you, making it hard to fall asleep. The good thing is that you have panels that keep the monster under the bed. The bad thing is that three of them broke and the monster is getting out to tickle you. So, you don't sleep for a few days and you fix it. Then you find out that there is ANOTHER broken panel. The monster can tickle you again. Would you feel comfortable going back to bed again? I wouldn't.

Oh, and one more thing. Imagine that if you fall asleep, the monster will explode.

That's what it is like having a hydrogen leak on a space shuttle. Except with fewer tickles.

Let's hope everything gets fixed and we get that water purification system onto the space station.

I'm off to check the panels under my bed.



Wednesday, March 11, 2009

tongue lashing

Did you hear the story about actress Rosario Dawson? She doesn't have kids, but when she does, she said that she will lick their face in public if they ever get rowdy.

How did she get this gross idea, you ask? Her mom did it to her. Yep. That's how moms quiet their kids. A good face licking.

I guess it could work. I would not act up if I knew that my face would get licked. Of course, if I saw a mother doing that to her child at the store, I might call security. That just seems cruel and unusual. Mostly unusual.

Do you do anything that horrible to your kids? Couldn't you think of something a little less...um...face licky? I mean, aren't people arrested for doing stuff like that?

I'm pretty sure I was, but that whole week is a bit hazy, so I can't be sure. All I know is that I can't go to Arizona or Utah anymore.

Or purchase cream of wheat. In any state.

I really can't divulge any more information. I'm sure you'll learn about it when the investigation becomes public record.

I'm off to NOT get my face licked.



Tuesday, March 10, 2009

the greatest prize

The lottery here in America isn't bad. A lot of people win money. I won a dollar the other day. I felt pretty awesome. Of course, one dollar isn't as cool as winning an island.

Yeh Chien-wei is a 4-year-old boy who won the lottery in Taipei last week. He won the use of an uninhabited island for five trips over five months.

You know what that means? Kool-Aid beach party at Yeh's place!

I could totally see this as a movie premise. Yeh and his family go to the island only to find out it is haunted by dinosaur ghosts. Yeh becomes friends with a ghost T-Rex named Teddy, who will look cute and friendly so it's more marketable. Yeh visits the island for years and grows up with Teddy and all his other dinosaur friends. Until one day, Yeh is all grown up and life gets in the way of him visiting the island. When he finally returns, he can't find Teddy. And we're left to wonder if they were ever real at all. Ooooooh.

I think they were. Of course, I'm pretty much a fan of anything with dinosaurs and want them to still exist. Or robots. I like them too.

Hopefully this will be made into a movie. Starring me, so I can get paid for my idea.

Oh, and I think I'll call it, "Dinosaur Island!"

My next movie idea involves robot ghosts. On a fjord. I'll call it "Ghost Fjord!"

Sometimes I amaze myself.

This is not one of those times.

I'm off to play the lottery.



Wednesday, March 4, 2009

too sugary

I don't understand that phrase. Too sugary? Is that Dutch? I don't get it?

Some people from the American Dietetic Association say that school lunches are still too fatty AND too sugary. I guess I can understand not wanting too much fat in a child's lunch, but they make it sound like sugar is bad for you. I don't know why they think that.

That's like saying that baby sea otters are too cute. Or that oceans are too wet. Or that stickers are too glittery. Or that the big bang theory is too expansiony.

Do you see what I mean? I thought you might. And, really, I don't even think this group is real.

FACT: They clearly stole their initials from the American Dental Association

FACT: Is dietetic even a word? Say it. Go ahead...Sounds fake, right? I looked it up. It's not even a real word. ( I didn't actually look it up because it might be a real word, but it's not a real word as long as I don't look it up to prove it.)

FACT: They said "too sugary." That's just goobely jibbergish.

The End.

I'm off to learn some Dutch.

Geniet van!


Tuesday, March 3, 2009

eat in the bathroom

I don't know much about Vienna. I've never been there. I don't know the culture. I couldn't even point it out on a globe. That doesn't bother me, though, because I can't think of anything in Vienna that I would need. Unless they have free money. But I don't think they do.

What they DO have is a bathroom cafe. There is a coffee shop in Vienna that has lined their walls with toilets. They don't work. They're just decoration. They did this because, and I'll quote them, "The bathroom is one of the last places in the world where men can sit and relax without women or other distractions."

Uh huh...

Women are allowed into the coffee shop, but not many come in. I imagine it's because the walls are lined with toilets and women in Vienna have taste.

Do you think of bathroom time as relaxing time? I mean, wouldn't you rather sit and watch TV or read a book and chill out with something fun? Or would you rather snuggle up with a toilet to drink your coffee?

What is wrong with the men in Vienna? They really need to get some better TV shows over there. Or some softer couches. SOMETHING to make it so the bathroom isn't where they want to eat!

I don't ever want to eat next to a toilet unless it's an emergency. Even then, I'll try to keep my company with the sink.

I'm off to relax ON A COUCH!



Monday, March 2, 2009

hair hat

I read a story that is pretty gross, but I feel compelled to talk about it. A woman in Romania makes clothing out of her hair.

She has made a skirt, a shawl, a handbag, a blouse, a raincoat, a hat and a few other things.

Besides being incredibly gross, I have to wonder about some of them. She could have saved time on the hat and just LEFT THE HAIR ON HER HEAD! Am I the only one that thinks a hair hat is redundant?!

And how can you make a raincoat out of hair? I mean, raincoats have to be plastic or something, right?

I don't even want to think about this anymore, but I feel the need to create one of my imaginary scenarios. Don't worry, I'll keep it short.

"Phew! It's a rainy day here at the bus stop!"

"Yes it is."

"What is that raincoat and hat made out of? It doesn't look familiar."

"My hair."

"..." (The person then runs away hoping that the rain will wash away the thought of a hair hat. The rain does not and our character is haunted for life.)

I don't even want to imagine what it looks like.

I'm off to keep my hair where it is.



hair hat

I read a story that is pretty gross, but I feel compelled to talk about it. A woman in Romania makes clothing out of her hair.

She has made a skirt, a shawl, a handbag, a blouse, a raincoat, a hat and a few other things.

Besides being incredibly gross, I have to wonder about some of them. She could have saved time on the hat and just LEFT THE HAIR ON HER HEAD! Am I the only one that thinks a hair hat is redundant?!

And how can you make a raincoat out of hair? I mean, raincoats have to be plastic or something, right?

I don't even want to think about this anymore, but I feel the need to create one of my imaginary scenarios. Don't worry, I'll keep it short.

"Phew! It's a rainy day here at the bus stop!"

"Yes it is."

"What is that raincoat and hat made out of? It doesn't look familiar."

"My hair."

"..." (The person then runs away hoping that the rain will wash away the thought of a hair hat. The rain does not and our character is haunted for life.)

I don't even want to imagine what it looks like.

I'm off to keep my hair where it is.