Friday, February 27, 2009

cute bodily functions?

I'll be honest with you...I really didn't plan on writing an entry today. BUT! Fate had other plans for me. Little did I know that the most adorable little stuffed toys would walk into my life, so I had to share them with you.

I should probably warn you, though, that they have to do with human waste, but in a cute way. I only talk about this because these things are clearly aimed at babies, so I figure it's okay.

A company has created a line of baby clothes and toys with the characters Pee and Poo. If you go to you will find these wonderful little stuffed toys. One is yellow and the other is brown. I guess that's obvious.

Did you see them? Aren't they cool?! I thought you would like them.

Are you bored with the wallpaper on your computer? Well, you can get a picture of Pee and Poo for your desktop!

Maybe you need to send a birthday card to somebody, but you can't find the perfect one. How about a Pee and Poo e-card!

They have it all! Everything you could want for your Pee and Poo enjoyment!

Okay. I'm sure you've had enough for today. I just wanted to make sure you knew about it. I know you would have felt empty inside not knowing this existed.

That's what I'm here for. Existential happiness.

I'm off to see if they have a t-shirt in my size. Or is it a p-shirt?



Thursday, February 26, 2009

babies can do what?!

Do you know how humans talked 20,000 years ago? I do. I found an article about it. They were curious about conversations of the cave men. Here are the words they think sounded the same: I, we, two, three.

That sounds like a boring conversation.

"I two three."

"Three two we."

"We I three?!"


"THAT'S AWESOME!!!!!!!!"

I think one person is telling the other one that there is a sale on comic books. Or maybe it has to do with a falling rock. I'm not sure.

So, this story is talking about the evolution of humans and when our heads formed the hyoid bone and dropped the larynx, which allows us to talk. What I found out next will amaze you.

Newborns have a larynx that hasn't dropped yet. This allows babies to drink and breathe at the same time. WHAT?! How did I miss this piece of information my whole life?! And why does this change?!?! We wouldn't choke anymore!!!! Evolution got this backwards!

Imagine coming home for a brisk run (I actually don't know what that's like, but I'm imagining it) and needing a drink. You're breathing heavily, but still want to chug some water. You have to stop breathing to drink. Unless you're a baby. Then you can catch your breath AND drink at the same time!

So what does that tell you? Make your babies run a lot so you can see this happen, because you sure ain't doin' it.

Babies are weird, but maybe I'm just jealous because I can't breathe-drink.

I'm off to three we two I.



Wednesday, February 25, 2009

trigger unhappy

Our friends at Smith & Wesson are recalling some of their pistols. I imagine that one of the last things you would want recalled is a gun.

I mean, a recall on pillows for being too fluffy isn't too bad. Or a recall on kittens being too cute couldn't hurt anybody.

Why are they recalling these guns? Well, you don't even have to pull the trigger for them to shoot! That's right! You just hold the gun and it'll fire off randomly!

Actually, that sounds like progress to me. I mean, who wants to pull a trigger? That's so much work! What if I get a finger cramp? I don't want any injuries from pulling my gun trigger. It's like when people get tennis elbow. It hurts! I just want a gun to wave around and see what it hits.

Next, I want a remote control with stuck buttons. I'll just hold it up to the TV when I want things to change. If I like what I see, I can hide it under a pillow. Possible a pillow that is too fluffy. Unless I follow the recall.

I'm off to return my shirt for being too sleevey.



Tuesday, February 24, 2009

volunteers needed for getting fired

Wow. When the economy is bad, companies start getting creative. A lot of companies have been downsizing for years and are just making people take a pay cut because there isn't really anybody else to fire. Some companies still just fire people. And some companies let you decide if you want to get fired.

Nokia is asking for 1,000 of its employees to resign voluntarily. That's right. You have to make the decision as to whether you would like to get fired or not. Who would want to do that?! Getting fired means that the bosses decide that you shouldn't work there anymore. When did that become my decision?! I don't want to decide I'm getting fired! Did you see what the economy is like?!

What would I tell my friends?


"What's up?"

"Not much. I got fired today."

"You did?! Stupid CEO's firing the good workers at their company!"

"Oh, no. It was my decision. They wanted to know who was willing to get fired and I volunteered."

" doesn't that mean you quit."

"Nope. I still wanted to work there, but they needed us to decide if we needed to get fired and I figured it was probably best for the company if I let myself go."

" you want a burrito?"

"Sure. Hook me up!"

I would like a burrito after a tough day of firing myself. I imagine that you would too.

I'm off to give myself a pink slip.



Monday, February 23, 2009

the oscars are boring

Did you watch the Oscars? I watched as much as I could...which wasn't much. It's really pretty boring. A lot of those "thank you" speeches take TOO LONG!

You thank everybody and say a whole bunch of names of people NOBODY HAS EVER HEARD OF!

BUT, I have an idea. I'm going to have to become a famous actor and win an award for this to work, but the struggle will be totally worth it if I can make this happen.

So, I'm up for winning an Oscar for best actor. Or even supporting actor. I don't care, as long as I win it. I will pay a little kid $100 to sit in my spot all night. 8-years-old seems like a good age.

Then, when I win, he or she will have the best speech. It will be written in crayon and it will say this:

"I want to say thank you to everybody who got me to where I am today. Thank you. And I drew a picture of a kitty and a walrus driving a Model T. Wanna see?"

The cute little kid will then show the audience the amazing picture I drew of a kitty and a walrus driving a Model T. The audience will love it and the kid can keep the Oscar.

I have a backup plan just in case I have to be there to accept my award. They have camera people up and down the aisles to catch you walking up to the stage. They try to stay hidden, but you can see them moving around sometimes. I want to run up to one on my way to the stage and tickle him. Ideally, they will go to a shot of that camera. If not, then I'll just look weird, but that will be ok because I'm an actor.

I'm off to get my award-winning role.



Friday, February 20, 2009

hillary clinton's excellent adventure

I'm sorry if I'm a day late with this. I did not see this story until last night. You may have heard that Hillary Clinton went to Indonesia. What you might not have heard is that she went on a TV show while she was there.

The name of that show is "Dahsyat." Wanna know what that means? It means AWESOME!

It's kind of like an MTV talk show. Even though I'm not a teenage girl, I might still watch the show. Why, you ask? I think the title says it all.

What a brilliant name. I don't understand why more things aren't named "awesome."

Like a band. Wouldn't you want to see the band Awesome? Or what about a store! Just named AWESOME!

"I have a lot of shopping to do."

"Are you gonna go to Wal-Mart or Target or something?"

"No. I'm going to Awesome."


"Awesome has EVERYTHING I need. AND, it is awesome."

"Wow! Tell me more!!!!!"

Cue jingle. I imagine it as a fast song that talks about all the awesome things they sell. Like comic books. And rainbows. And goldfish.

I'm off to buy some awesome.



Thursday, February 19, 2009

false advertising

I just read a great article about false advertising. Well, it's not completely false because that would be illegal. It's more of a misleading truth.

The greatest example in this article is a night cream that is supposed to protect you from UV radiation.

I'll give you a moment...

That's right! The sun isn't in your bedroom at night! So, unless you like to shine a UV ray onto your face while you're sleeping, UV protection isn't really needed at night!

I know some people tend to wear their sunglass at night for various reasons. Maybe to watch you weave your storylines, or maybe so they can keep track of the visions in their eyes, or maybe even to see the light. I can't make fun of you for that, but at least you're not wearing them at night to protect your eyes from harmful UV rays.

I suppose it's possible that your future's so bright that you gotta wear night cream with UV protection. If the source of that brightness is, in fact, from the sun. I don't know.

Oh, I gotta go. My pals Corey and Timbuk the Third are waiting for me.

I'm off to study nuclear science.



Wednesday, February 18, 2009

how not to be a parent

Sometimes you read stories and wonder why certain people have kids. I don't have kids, BUT I'm pretty sure I'm a better parent than some folks out there. One reason why I think that is because I would never shoot my son with a BB gun.

This 9-year-old kid was blocking his father's view of the TV, so pop decided to grab the BB gun and shoot him in the behind. What is wrong with this guy?! I can understand it's annoying when somebody is blocking your view of Grey's Anatomy, but isn't a BB gun a little too much?!

And where was this gun? Does this guy have a BB gun holster sewn into the couch? If so, how do I get one of those? I can imagine someone trying to break into my house while I'm watching Caillou and I don't even have to get up. I stay reclined and draw my gun.

OOOOOH! How's this for a great line! Imagine me saying this all Clint Eastwoody, "I'm not gonna get up, sparky, but you're gonna get out."

I am so hardcore. Yet comfortable.

So, if you ever read this blog looking for parenting advice, there it is. Don't use a BB gun to make your kids move out of the way. Throw a stuffed bear at them or something. Or better yet, if you don't like people getting in the way of your "Spongebob Time," DON'T HAVE KIDS!

I'm off to work on that couch-holster.



Tuesday, February 17, 2009

cotton candy saves lives

Did you hear about this amazing new research that is saving lives? These scientists have used cotton candy to help grow replacement tissue for people. It's true! Cotton candy!

I'll try to explain this as easily as possible. You take cotton candy. Eat some. Then, take the rest of it and pour a thick liquid over it. Let that harden. Then, when you dissolve the cotton candy, you have a block with a bunch of tiny channels. Like blood vessels! This eventually grows into real tissue and into a giant cotton candy person!

It's amazing what people are doing with science these days. If I knew that candy would be used to build new livers, I would have probably gone into the candy/organ replacement field.

I kinda do some of that research already. I've been studying how many gummy worms it will take to make a new small intestine. I've eaten a lot so far. I'll let you know when I've eaten enough. I think I have a lot of research left to do.

I need some gummy worms over here! STAT!

I'm off to eat some cotton candy for research.



Friday, February 13, 2009

flowers for valentine's day?

It seems a little strange, but I have a great gift idea for Valentine's Day. Flowers.

I know what you're thinking, "Flowers?! Who would want flowers? What kind of silly gift is that? I don't get it?"

Both men and women like flowers. They smell good and look nice. They even have these stores where you can buy flowers. That's all they sell. Flowers.

BUT, different color flowers mean different things. That's why I'm here. To be your flower compass.

Red flowers mean "I love you." Duh.

White flowers mean you might be color blind, but that's okay because you still got flowers and they smell good.

Yellow flowers mean that you think the person is hot like the sun. And the sun is really hot. I mean, you would be really hot too if you converted 4 million metric tons of matter into energy every second.

Orange flowers mean you're healthy. Like vitamin C. Because oranges have a lot of vitamin C. You could probably eat the flowers, too. I bet they would taste like oranges.

Blue flowers mean you fell in love in 1999 while listening to Eiffel 65. Da ba dee, da ba da. (I bet that song is stuck in your head now, isn't it?)

Now go pick up some flowers for your loved one.

I'm off to my blue house with a blue window.



Thursday, February 12, 2009

the perfect gift

For some reason, jewelry and guns seem to go together. I don't understand it, but it is pretty common.

So, it honor of Valentine's Day, a store in Wisconsin will give you a free gun with every purchase of diamond earrings. Not only that! BUT! The bigger the diamond earrings, THE BIGGER THE GUN!

You can't beat that deal with a stainless steel Ruger New Model Super Blackhawk .44 with a 10-inch barrel!

"These are some nice earrings. I'll get these for my wife."

"Those will get you this revolver."

"Really? What about those earrings? They're bigger."

"Well, THOSE will get you a rifle."

"Hmmm...What about those earrings back there?"

"Those big ones? The million carat ones?"

"Yeah. What will those get me?"

"A Death Star space station."


There you go. Now THAT'S how you shop for Valentine's Day.

I'm off find out about carats and calibers.



Wednesday, February 11, 2009

off of the center

I've had a weird few days. I have been feeling a little light-headed. On the plus side, I got new socks. They have dinosaurs on them. Roar.

I think the equal in in my equilibrium is off. I know it's spelled differently, but I still like the joke.

Have you ever sat in your chair and felt like your legs were tilting one way and your torso is staying still? That's what it feels like. Like my legs are on a boat and my body is on a plane. Which SOUNDS fun...and it actually kinda is. Even though I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to feel like that.

So, I'm not sure what could be wrong with me. I looked it up on Web MD and I don't like their answers.

Lucie thinks I'm pregnant. I'm not sure if that is true. I have a feeling it is not, though I can't be sure. I should get one of those sticks with a plus and minus sign.

MY theory is that I've accidentally become a gateway to another dimension and my body is adjusting to the transition. I only hope it's a fun dimension. Maybe one where EVERYBODY has dinosaur socks. Mine are green with little, black brontosauruses. (I know what you’re going to say, “We're supposed to call it an apatosaurus now.” But really, brontosaurus is so much cooler.)

Oh, it's also thought that my blood-sugar is just low. I like that idea. I should probably eat some candy to get sugar. Yeah. I like that medicine.

I'm off to eat a cookie...for my health!



Tuesday, February 10, 2009

you smell good like a french fry

After years of research and thousands of dollars, scientists have found out why we like the smell of french fries. Using the high-tech, fake-sounding technique of gas chromatography mass spectrometry, we can now tell you why the smell of french fries will make your mouth water.

The french fry aroma is made up of butterscotch, cocoa, onion, flowers, cheese and ironing boards. Now, what is in the smell of ironing boards that makes my mouth water? I don't know. Maybe they need another test with their gas chromatography mass spectrometer machine.

Now here's a test I would like them to try: Make a pie and fill it with butterscotch, cocoa, onions, flowers and cheese and then serve it on an ironing board and see if people still get hungry. I have a strange feeling that they will not eat your pie. If they do eat your pie, there is something seriously wrong with them.

Oh, and they are also saying that fries are good for you because they have vitamin C. Really? French fries? That's like saying it's ok to eat a cardboard box because I dipped it in orange juice. I wouldn't suggest it. Unless you put cheese and flowers on it.

I'm off to make butterscotch, cocoa, onion, flower, cheese and ironing board cologne.



Monday, February 9, 2009

talking with your heart

Valentine's Day is coming up soon. I already got my cards. They are, as if you didn't already know, awesome. I got Spider-Man motion-cards this year. So, it's almost like Spider-Man is moving RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES! Pretty rad, right? And they have clever messages like "I'm caught in your web." I don't know who writes that stuff, but they are smart.

It's also that time of year when you get those hearts with messages on them. I found out that a company is making candy hearts called "BitterSweets." They have mean messages on them instead of nice ones.

For example:




Of course, they have to fit all this on a tiny heart, so spelling and grammar are often ignored, which is fine by me.

I was thinking, though, about a brilliant evolution to the conversation heart besides just making them mean. Why don't they make big ones so you can put a personalized message on them? Wouldn't it be sweet if you got a giant candy heart that said, "You are the most wonderful person in the world and I love you. Happy Valentine's Day!"

Instead you get something like, "TOO HOT." That's a little boring. I would rather it said, "Some people say you are too hot, but you are really just hot enough. And by hot enough, I mean you are way hotter than everybody else, but you don't exceed the necessary amount of hotness."

That is just way more romantic.

Some of them just don't make sense like, "IM SURE." What are you sure of? With my new, patent-pending giant heart, you would know! "I'm sure you already know this, but I love you more than my comic book collection. Which is crazy, because I totally love my comic book collection. I mean, comic books are totally sweet, but I still love you more than that. I'm sure about that. Totally sure."

I'm pretty sure that's what they mean when they say, "IM SURE."

AND, YOU GET TO EAT A GIANT SUGAR HEART! Uh...I'm sold!!!! Hook me up with dat!

I'm off to converse with a heart.



Thursday, February 5, 2009

the badminton accord

Sometimes the real news stories are NOT on the front page. I found a story that is sure to rock your world. If not rock your world, it might shimmy your world a little bit.

America's badminton team was going to play some games in Iran, but Iran refused to issue them visas.

The Obama administration said that they are disappointed by the situation. The State Department is saying that this is a breakdown of "shuttlecock diplomacy." No joke. That is the term they use.

This breakdown of shuttlecock diplomacy sends a loud message to America that Iranians have good taste in sports. It's almost insulting to think that they have no desire to watch badminton, except for the fact that it's badminton.

The Badminton World Federation hasn't issued a statement yet, but since nobody really knows about the story, nobody has asked for a statement. Also, nobody really cares.

I know I'm not a sports guy, but when was the last time you had a rousing conversation about badminton? Ever? No.

"Whew! Did you see the Australian Badminton Team in the Uber Cup this weekend?!"


"Man! That smash was amazing!"

"I didn't watch it."

"And that final tumbling netshot?! Cah-ray-zee!"

"Dude...I didn't watch it."

"I guess it's true what they say...badminton is NOT a wrist game!"

"I'm going to walk away from you before I hit you with a real sport."

Then the guy was pummeled by baseballs, footballs and horseshoes.

Let's hope we can get shuttlecock diplomacy working again. World peace is bound to follow.

I'm off to watch the Sudirman Cup.



Wednesday, February 4, 2009

sign language

Here's something you might not know. I don't sport. I know there is a sport called baseball. I know that you often have to catch things in various sports. Unless they are on ice. Then you have to hit things. Like each other. Besides that basic knowledge, I'm pretty much lost.

I was doing some research on the web (aka goofing off) and I saw that it was National Signing Day. I thought, "Wow! I've always wanted to learn sign language. Maybe I should do my blog in sign language today. That would be fun!" My thought was quickly unthunk as soon as I saw what National Signing Day was.

This is the day that high school football players send a letter to the colleges that they plan on going to. Then they can play college football and hopefully make big money in the NFL.

If I only saw a headline that said, "It's National Signing Day," then I would never, in a kabillion years, have thought of football. A kabillion is a big number, if you didn't know. Your math teacher may have forgotten to teach it to you.

In my attempt to fit in, I would like to give you my "scripts" for sports conversations. It works the majority of the time. You can choose one of the following sentences.

"Did you see that catch he made?!"

"He moves like a rocket!"

"The Patriots...Tom Brady...kicking."

That last one is for football, but the first two can be used in most sports except hockey. The good thing is that nobody watches hockey unless they are Canadian. So as long as you avoid Canadians, you won't have to worry about weird conversations about icing and checking. Heck, it's probably just sound advice to avoid Canadians in general. Heh...heh...

I'm off to watch the replay of that amazing jumping catch he made on the field.



Tuesday, February 3, 2009

nerf ninja

I just saw a commercial for the coolest thing ever. Nerf swords. What a great idea! I'm surprised it took them so long to come out with them. I guess Nerf technology wasn't ready for it until recently.

It's part of their "N-Force" which I'm pretty sure means "Ninja Force" because ninjas use swords.

Since it does involve ninjas, they are keeping the information pretty confidential. You can't see much except some pictures.

As soon as these come out, I'm going to buy some. You never know when a duel might occur. Sometimes the mailman comes to my door and says I have to sign for a package. Then he will take out a ninja star and throw it at me. If I had a sword, I could totally take him out. Then sign for my package. Then enjoy the comic books inside. Unless he poisoned them, which has happened more than once. I have a wily mailman. I lost count how many times I've died.

Don't even get me started on the mailwoman who fills in for him sometimes. She's ruthless.

I'll be ready next time you come to my door and try to attack. I've been working on my moves. BAM! Ha! You weren't expecting that move, were ya? I didn't think so.

Oh, and if your kids ask for a Nerf sword, you should get them one. It's good protection. Make sure they have a triceratops to ride, too. Riding a triceratops and holding a sword is probably the coolest image you could have. Do that at the next board meeting and I guarantee you will get you way.

And if you don't, you have a sword and dinosaur to make your point.

Pun intended.

I'm off to duel.



Monday, February 2, 2009

plural possessive

Before I get on with today's topic, I should warn all those grammar-folk out there that this may be offensive. Granted, my grammar is pretty shoddy most of the time, but this time there will be grammar mistakes done on purpose.

Birmingham, England will be getting rid of apostrophes from all street signs. So now you are left to wonder whether "Queens Square" is owned by a queen or just a square populated with queens.

Why did they do this? They say it is too confusing. Really. That's what they said. Birmingham's officials have been debating this for years. It's been a huge problem for people. If my town council was debating this, I would throw oranges at them and tell them to fix the potholes. Or the pothole's potholes.

I guess they COULD get rid of the apostrophe. If anybody asked you to find St. Mary's Road, would you need to know if there was an apostrophe or not? Probably not.

"Hi. I'm an American. Can you help me find something?"

"Cheerio! 'Course I can guvnuh!"

"Can you point me towards St. Mary's Road?

"Are you looking for the road Mary owns or the one with more than one Mary?"

"I guess the one she owns."

"Right-oh, chap! You're on it!"

"Thank you!"


I don't think that will ever happen. What I found interesting was that the group of grammar-philes over there yell at stores that use the possessive when they really shouldn't. This would probably annoy me as well.

There are stores that put up signs that say "apple's and pear's". Are they daft? Really? I would go into that store and ask what the apple owns. If they couldn't tell me, I would steal all their apples and say I own them now.

How's that for possessive!

Take that bad grammar.

I'm off to apostrophize.