Wednesday, June 30, 2010

big day

Not only was there a new pond at work today, but I got my order from amazon!

I really thought the pond was going to be the big story, but they cleaned that up with a wet/dry vac. The pond is gone, but when I got into work this morning, there could have been some fishin' going on. It was pretty huge.

I did get some great stuff from amazon, though! And it was all my stuff. It looks like my stuff. Let me check again.


Yep...Batman comics and coffee. The little shipment slip that came in the box said something different. I don't know HOW it happened, but Courtney's order slip for Schaum's Outline of Statistics and Schaum's Outline of Financial Management got into my box!

So, it's possible that Courtney, in Chicago, is looking at my order right now. She's probably glad that she got her 5 copies of Statistics and 2 copies of Financial Management.

I'm SOOOOOO glad I didn't get them! What am I going to do with that? Become a stock broker? What does Financial Management even mean?! I'm guessing it has something to do with lemurs, but I really have no idea.

So, Courtney, if you're reading this, I hope you enjoyed my shipment slip. And I hope your statistics are as exciting as my Batman.

I doubt it, though. Let me know if you want to trade for a week. I won't read your books, but at least you get to read something exciting and non-statistic-y.

I'm off to read Batman's Outline of Statistics and Awesomeness.

Enjoy Everything.


Tuesday, June 29, 2010

pick her up

I saw an interesting article telling guys how NOT to pick up the ladies. Not pick-up lines but rather modes of transportation.

And I can't help but disagree with ALL of them!

Unicycle: Really? What woman wouldn't want to be picked up on a unicycle?! I once had this game for Super Nintendo called Uniracers and it was awesome! If a woman doesn't want a ride on a unicycle, she gets no ride at all!

Pony: Don't girls love ponies? Heck, don't GUYS love ponies?! I do. And riding a pony to the movies is probably the best way to go on a date. AND it's cute.

Segway Scooter: Okay...I guess I could go either way with this one. The good thing is that two people on a Segway can get really tight. So that means she wants to be close to you. The bad thing is that it's really hard to steer one of those bad boys with two people on it. Trust me, I've tried.

Roller Skates: Wow...they are SO wrong with this. Any guy that can roller skate is probably the COOLEST guy in the world! Imagine going out to dinner and instead of both of you walking to the restaurant, he roller skates and you walk. All the girls seeing his slick moves would be so jealous of your catch. You'd be hotter than sea horse!

Wanna know what's lame? Fancy cars. That's so last year.

Oh, and chairs on wheels. I know they're fun at work, but it's really hard to keep those moving with two people. Even harder than a Segway. And if she has to sit on your lap the whole night, your keys are going to press into your thigh. Not always pleasant, but helpful if you need a mold of your keys.

I'm off to race my unicycle.

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, June 28, 2010

text all

Have you ever gotten a text from somebody that says "I'm bored! Help!" or has some other message looking for a response only to find out that they sent that text to everybody?

I hate it when that happens. A friend of mine did that. I felt badly for her, so I texted her back. I thought, "It's nice of her to think that I'm entertaining enough to be her text conversation right now."

But I wasn't! I was just one fish a huge ocean of friends! She texted everybody. EVERYBODY! And I get suckered into it.

People do that during the holidays, too. They'll send a "Happy Thanksgiving" text to everybody. At least with email, you can see everybody else who got it. Unless they hide it. I don't go for that.

It seems less personal when that happens. They are not sending it to you. They are just sending it. There is no love!

I just felt so used.

I'm off to send a personal text to one person.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, June 25, 2010


It's my grandmother's birthday. So, I mailed her a card. But, I always wonder if it looks weird to the post office when I do that. Not because the card is weird or anything, but because I put "Grammy" on the address.

What am I supposed to do? If I were to send something to my brother or sister, I would put their name. Sometimes when I send stuff to my parents, I put "Mom" or "Dad." But most of the time I'll put their full name.

But my grandmother? Why would I put her full name? She's "Grammy" to me.

What do you put? Should I start sending things out saying "Brother" or "Sister?" Not that I send them anything, but if I did, I could do that.

Of course, then they would know it was from me. So where's the surprise in that?

Oh, I never put return addresses on my mail. I know. They hate that. But it's more fun that way.

As far as I know, my mail has always gotten to where it needs to be. So I guess I'm doing it right. Or write! (get it? Because I'm sending letters? That I write??? Yeah...)

I'm off to get the mail.

Enjoy Everything.


Thursday, June 24, 2010

internet kill switch

I saw some news the other day about the senate making a law that would allow the president to shut down the internet. Just "ka-chunk!" Done. Internet off.

It is called the Internet Kill Switch. Which would be a GREAT name for a band. Who wouldn't go see that? Seriously. I think I'm going to start a band called Internet Kill Switch just so it exists. I don't want somebody else taking it!

That's about it. Not much else going on in the world. I did get a new colander. That's kinda cool. My last one got stolen by fish after I used it as a helmet.

I also saw some weird stuff on my way into work this morning. There were kids walking around at, like, 5am! When I was a teenager, I was NEVER up that early! Even if I stayed up all night, I don't think I'd be able to walk at that hour.

OH! And then I saw some guy walking around with a big duffel bag and no shirt on! I certainly was not expecting THAT on my drive to work.


Phew. I guess it was an exciting day. Yeah...

I'm off to start my new band.

Enjoy Everything.


Wednesday, June 23, 2010

pork boarding

The National Pork Board in Portland, Oregon seems to have a problem with unicorns. The Pork Board is suing ThinkGeek (a great online store) because TG is saying that unicorns are "the new white meat." And "an excellent source or sparkles."

First of all, it's not funny to joke about eating unicorns. Second of all, there are sparkle supplements. I take one every day. Third of all, I believe pork is the OTHER white meat. Not "new" at all.

The Pork Board issued a cease-and-desist to ThinkGeek about the ad. THEN they said that unicorns don't exist.

Wow. That's bold. And a lie! Why would they say that? And if they are so sure that unicorns don't exist, why would they even issue a cease-and-desist? If it don't exist, no cease-and-desist!

That's my new motto. Which might become a t-shirt.

But we can't use that for unicorns. They do exist. So...we're kinda stuck. Or, the Pork Board is stuck. You can't have it both ways, Porkies!

I think I will ban all pork until they stop being stinky.

That'll show'em.

I'm off to take my sparkle supplement.

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, June 21, 2010


I saw chickens in West Springfield. Just walking around. Like, real chickens. Not in a fence or on a leash or anything. Free-range chickens in West Springfield.

Did anybody know that there were wild chickens in West Springfield? I mean, really. Is that legal? I know there have been some wild animal sightings in my town, but chickens? There was a fisher cat once. I also saw a possum (opossum?) once. That's kinda like a wild animal.

I did not see any eggs.

So...that was my weekend. Chickens. Wild chickens.

I didn't believe it at first so I took a picture. The picture is real and exists on my phone. So if you are going chicken hunting, come to West Springfield. We got the wildest chickens in the west!

Apparently I live on a farm. Huh. Who knew?

I'm off to milk a cow...because I live on a farm.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, June 18, 2010

name change

I was looking through some old papers last night and found something my mom gave me. Apparently, she wrote journal entries about my life as a child. It was pretty cool. I now know when I learned how to crawl. It only took a few years! I'm like a child prodigy!

One thing I found out was that I wanted to change my name when I was four. Yep. I wanted to be called Chip. I have no idea why.

Of all the names I could have chosen, I chose chip?! Clearly I was NOT a prodigy. I could have picked any name in the world! Batman. Han Solo. Starlight!

And I wanted to be Chip. Thank goodness that didn't last. Maybe I was a fan of Erik Estrada and thought that was his name. At least, I hope that's the reason. I mean, seriously, did you see the man's hair? Totally awesome.

I'm off to ponch.


Wednesday, June 16, 2010


I bought a new mouse for my computer. It's pretty sweet. The pointer moves and everything. It's a little loud on the click, but the spinning wheel part is totally silent. It's nice.

I plugged it into my computer and a little message popped up letting me know that I was connected. It called the mouse a "human interface device." I had no idea! I mean, that's kinda what it is, but I don't remember ever seeing that message before!

It sounds so sterile. Where's the love? Where's the romance? Why can't it say something sweet like, "Mouse now connected, feel free to caress the screen." Or maybe, "New hardware found. Mouse and computer are now sharing time together as one."

I would like that. Maybe I should light a candle next time I hook something up to my computer. I could put out some flower petals. Put on some Barry White. Make a night of it.

Or maybe I should just not worry about it and go on with my life. But THAT is just so unBarry!

I'm off to hook up my mouse.

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, June 14, 2010

peanut plane

Airlines are thinking of getting rid of peanuts. Again. I'm pretty sure they have talked about this in the past. I don't know why people get so upset. They make it seem like a free tiny pouch of peanuts on a plane is a basic human right.

Oh wait...I just looked at the Constitution. It's on there. Article 3: Section 3. Huh...who knew?

Well, now we have to worry about allergies! So many people have peanut allergies and it's just plain dangerous to have them on a plane.

I don't have any food allergies. I don't know why. Everybody else has them. Food allergy is the new black.

Or so I hear from my fashion designer friends. And I have, like, millions of fashion designer friends. Half of them are named Hans. It's pretty sweet. That's why I look so fashiony.

I would like to be allergic to something. Just so I can feel like I'm part of the group. And so I can have an Epipen.

Maybe I'll be allergic to tannins. In wine. Or maybe lipolyzed cream. I don't really know what that is, but I know it's in food.

Sigh. I guess I won't be allergic to anything. I'll just eat whatever.

Sorry. I'm boring.

I'm off to eat some tannin peanuts in lipolyzed cream.

Enjoy Everything.


Thursday, June 10, 2010

solar stormin

The sun is getting excited. And that means it's time for some SOLAR STORMS!

They may sound fun, but according to scientists, they mess up all sorts of electronics. Including GPS. So, if you are driving in a solar storm, you might get directions to a McDonald's drive-thru window when you wanted to go to Home Depot.

"How may I help you?"

"I'd like to get a chainsaw."

"Um...sorry sir, we don't have that. Would you like a Big Mac?"

"No. I need something to cut down a tree."



"A Happy Meal, maybe?"


Get ready for a lot of confusion, kids!

Get your umbrellas, too. Solar storms can get a little crazy. Sometimes, if you catch them at just the right moment, you can see a solarbow. It's like a rainbow, except it's from a solar storm. And way prettier. Like if a rainbow put on a fancy dress and was picked for prom queen.

That's pretty.

I'm off to try on my solar dress.

Enjoy Everything.


Wednesday, June 9, 2010


I like it when I get change from a cashier. I can always use quarters for laundry. It's very helpful. Sometimes it's a little off, though.

I understand counting out the change. I mean, if you need 57 cents back, they'll say, "25, 50, 55, 56, 57."

That is a quarter, a quarter, a nickel, a penny, and a penny. If you didn't figure it out on your own. Which you probably did, but I just wanted to make sure that I did it correctly.

I think some people forget which coins are available, though. Yesterday I got two dimes and a nickel back. That makes 25 cents.

Also represented in quarter form.

I love it when that happens. It reminds me to stop taking the easy way and go for gusto! People don't want the same old bland quarter! Give'em THREE coins instead! It'll rattle in my pocket more. Making my leg a musical instrument.

And you can tell by the way I use my walk that I'm a musical-leg man. No time to talk.

Just to sing along with my leg.

Except now I don't have quarters for laundry. Aw biscuits.

I'm off to get some change.

Enjoy Everything.


Tuesday, June 8, 2010


Galileo died in 1642. 95 years after he died, people decided to get some souvenirs. So, they took a tooth, a thumb, a finger, another finger and a vertebra from his body.

Because, you know, he's dead...what does he care, right?

And lucky for us, these wonderful things will be on display in the Florence Galileo Museum! Hot diggity!

First off, what compelled these guys to steal this stuff in the first place? Were they thinking of selling it on eBay? I think there are rules against that, so that wouldn't work. And somebody just told me that eBay wasn't around in the 1700s, but they might be lying. I'm pretty sure eBay has been around forever.

Secondly, aren't they afraid that Zombie Galileo is going to be a little upset? I could deal with a missing tooth. And maybe a vertebra. But missing a thumb and two fingers? How is he going to play guitar? I mean, the dude is super famous for inventing the telecaster. Without his ingenious ideas, who knows what kind of guitars we'd be playing today.

I think he also noticed some moons around Jupiter, but that's not really important.

He also played the lute. Like Sting. I think they went on tour together a few years ago. I heard it was a good show but that Galileo was the real star. (yeah...that's supposed to be funny)

I'm off to play with my lute.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, June 4, 2010

if u kan reed this

The spelling bee is happening tonight! I love the spelling bee. It's so much fun to watch. It is the only sport that I can get into. I even have a fantasy spelling bee team online. Okay, that's a lie, but I would if I knew how to get online.

Of course, nothing is without controversy. Or double negativity. There is a group of protesters at the spelling bee who want us to simplify spelling. They say the alphabet is useless because we have so many strange rules with our language.

For example, on their website they ask the question "Why don't comb, tomb and bomb rhyme?"

Good question. Our language is crazy. I'm a huge fan of silent letters, but that's about it. So, in honor of our simplified spellers, I'm going to attempt to write the rest of this story as they would.

I gess I didn't reelly think abowt wut I wuz going tu write becuz I don't no wut tu say. I can't wate tu see the spelling be toonite. It is going tu be totally awesum. I will make sum fude to eet. It will be good.
I have a feeling my spell chek is going tu hate me for this blawg. I don't care, tho. My spell chek is always making fun of me. It calls me names.

Ok, enuf of this. I don't no wut els to write. I see a fone. It is blak. I ware shoos on my feet. I kan sing uhlong with a lawt uv Paula Abdul songs.

I'm awff tu fite with my spell chek.

Enjoy Everything.


Thursday, June 3, 2010

diamond saw

BP keeps working on ways to stop the oil leak. Leak is kind of a weak word for what's happening there. We'll call it the oil explusion. It's not quite an explosion, but close enough.

They tried robots with diamond saws to cut the pipe so they can cap it. Scared? You should be. What do we really know about these robots? They live on the bottom of the ocean. AND THEY HAVE DIAMOND SAW-HANDS!

If I learned anything from history/comic books, it's that humans and ocean-dwellers do NOT get along. Namor, the prince of Atlantis, is ALWAYS attacking the land-walkers because we're destroying the ocean!

Sure, these robots say they will help stop the gushing, but once it is fixed, who knows what they'll do! Remember what I said earlier? DIAMOND SAW-HANDS!

Diamonds can cut through glass! You can't keep these things out of your house! They'll just cut through the windows! Diamonds are the hardest substance on Earth! (Using the Mohs scale of mineral hardness, of course.)

I mean, I have a pretty tough Nerf ninja sword, but who knows if that will protect me from swarms of diamond-saw robots.

I won't give up easily. If I have to fight back, I will. I am made from the awesomest substance on Earth. (Using the Unicorn scale of person awesomeness, of course.)

And Snapple is made from the best stuff on earth. I like Snapple. It's good.

I'm off to get some apple juice.

Enjoy Everything.


Wednesday, June 2, 2010

going home

I was thinking about my old home the other day. My family has all moved away and the house now belongs to somebody else. I was thinking about it because I know somebody who moved to that area and they were actually looking at houses in Franklin, the town where I grew up!

I know some people move around a lot, but I did not. I was in the same house for 20 years. That's a long time! Am I allowed to go back and visit? Do I have any legal right to hang out in my old room even though it belongs to some new kid now?

I really want to go back and say hello. I just want to see what it looks like. Has anybody ever gone back to an old home and met the new tenants?

Do you think they would let me play in the yard? Maybe grab a skateboard and ride up and down the driveway? If they have kids, could we play Lazer Tag?

I'm not talking about those places you play inside, but that one with the guns and sensors from the 80's. Remember that? That was cool. I used to play at night. I don't remember it working too well, but I do remember running around a lot and shooting people.

That part was fun. I think I left my Lazer Tag stuff in that house. I hope they kept it. I also hope they kept my Nerf guns because I kinda want those back.

I'm off to find some lazer guns.

Enjoy Everything.


Tuesday, June 1, 2010

the grinder

For those of you who aren't from Western Mass, a "grinder" is a sub. You know, that oval-looking sandwich thing with your choice of veggies and meats put inside. I know there are many names for a sub, but around here, they somehow got the name grinder. Don't ask me, I'm from the other side of the state where people call them subs.

Anyway, I was at a store that sells these grinders and heard something funny. A woman went up to the counter and asked "How big is a 30-inch grinder?"

I almost stopped to answer. It seemed so simple to me! I thought, "I can totally answer that question! And I don't even work here!"

I've never felt so smart in my life! I can't figure anything out when I go shopping. But this! This I know!

I did not stop. I went on with the rest of my shopping. I didn't want to show off or anything. Studies have shown that I am a near-genius. And trust me, being a near-genius gets you all of nothing except for the fact that you can try to tell small children that you are smart.

Even then, there's a 50/50 chance that they are smarter than I am. But I'm bigger, so they can't prove anything. I can also run faster. And swing higher.

And I'm old enough to rent a car. I hope you like walking, kid!

Yeah...I'm off to ponder how my life has gone so wrong.

Enjoy Everything