Thursday, December 31, 2009

year end

A lot of people make lists for the end of the year. I have decided to make some lists as well.

Okay, so I can’t really think of anything worth listing, but I thought it would be fun to do what everybody else was doing. I guess it’s not going to happen.

Sorry to disappoint you. Will stickers make you feel better? Remember scratch and sniff stickers? Those were cool. I wonder if you can still get them.

How did they do that? Did they ever do any studies to find out if they were toxic? They probably were. Back then it didn’t matter if we were inhaling toxic chemicals. As long as we scratched a banana and then smelled a banana!

Best Smells of 2009!


And that’s it. It’s a short list, but a good one!

I’m off to scratch and sniff!



Wednesday, December 30, 2009

full circle

I saw the coolest thing! On Christmas day, some kids were out testing their new toys and one of the kids had a tricycle. Now, this wasn’t just any trike. This bad boy had wheels in the back that rotated a full THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY DEGREES!

He could do spin-outs and swirls and kickers and any other word you want to make up that sounds cool!

When I was a kid, I had a yellow plastic car. With a smiley face on the front. It did not rotate. Granted, I thought it was cool, but where were these Three-Sixty trikes when I was a kid?!

Kids have the coolest stuff now. I want one of those tricycles. Maybe next year.

Oh yeah, and in case you’re wondering, do NOT go for a run when it is 15 degrees Fahrenheit and the wind chill makes it feel like -9. You will get very cold.

I’m off to do some swirls and kickers.



Monday, December 28, 2009

that’s not me.

I was at the store this weekend and something odd happened. I wasn’t me. I know! So strange!

I gave my little discount card to the cashier and he broke it. He has Hulk-like strength. Which makes him good for cashiering.

So I gave him my phone number so I could get all my groceries for a few pennies off. He typed in my number and wanted to confirm who I was. My name, according to their files, is Ramon. I won’t give my last name, but it certainly wasn’t my actual last name. Nor is Ramon my first name.

So is Ramon using my phone number to get fantastic deals at the store? Why would Ramon do that?

I went to get my new card and it turns out they had a very strange phone number in there that certainly was NOT mine.

Perhaps it was Ramon’s. I don’t know. I’ve never gotten a phone call asking for Ramon.

Maybe I should call my number to see who answers. If it’s Ramon, we’re gonna have a little talk about savings cards. I hope I don’t make him cry. I can use strong words at times.

I’m off to save money at the store.



Wednesday, December 23, 2009


I have felt a little scattered this week. I'm officially on vacation after today, so maybe I'm in vacation mode already. But, I've had a lot of work to do, so my thoughts have been a little crazy.

Yesterday my underwear was on inside-out. Not backwards, thank goodness, just inside-out.

And you know what else? I didn't mind. Heck, I didn't even notice until I put my pajamas on! So I guess it's not that bad!

What will I do on vacation, you ask? I haven't decided yet. Time travel might be involved, so you may find me in your history books.

I'm thinking of sneaking into a picture with Teddy Roosevelt. That would be fun. He reminds me of Santa.

Maybe I'll pick blueberries. Those are yummy.

Ostriches are cute, too. I won't pick them. I'll just say hello to some.

I'm off to check my underwear.



Tuesday, December 22, 2009


I have recently tried Nutella. I don't remember ever having it before. I don't know why. I just never bought it and I never had it when I was a kid.

It's pretty good. I think most people have a fond childhood memory of having chocolate sandwiches, so they are more likely to have a good feeling about Nutella. I just tried it. My fond memories are of having it yesterday.

That's all I got. I just thought I should try it. At least once. You should try it too.

Does anybody whistle? It's such a "Snow White" thing to do. Are there any young whistlers out there? I feel like whistling isn't as cool as it used to be.

Are there any cool songs with somebody whistling? Maybe some hardcore rap music? I think that would be fun.

I also think riding in the shopping cart is fun. But I don't do it. Because nobody will push me. Usually I'm sitting in a cart in the middle of the candy aisle waiting for somebody to come along and push me around.

They never do.

I'm off to get in a cart and shop for some Nutella.



Monday, December 21, 2009

width and heighth

I've been hearing this word a lot lately. I have no idea how it happened, but height has become heighth.

I'm pretty sure it is not a word. It is considered "non-standard" english. Which means it is not a word.

Now, I'm all about making up words, but for some reason heighth just sounds wrong and I don't like it.

So don't use it.

What I would like you to use is rooves. As in, "There is more than one roof." I know it's roofs, but rooves is just so much more fun to say! Heighth is not more fun to say.

Finally, don't forget to turn your lights off after you park your car. The parking lots are very busy, so when you leave your lights on, I think you are about to pull out of a spot. When, in fact, you are not even there and left your lights on to trick me into waiting for your parking spot.

That is not funny.

Okay, it would be kinda funny if I did it to you, but not when you do it to me.

I'm off to find a REAL parking spot.



Friday, December 18, 2009

watch me now

I just bought a new watch. I don't wear a watch, but I always have one. I stopped wearing a watch before it was cool to stop wearing a watch.

In the late 90s, before kids had cell phones, people wore watches. I HATED it. So, I started keeping a watch in my pocket. Then, I found a way to attach my keys to the watch. I just had to remove the wrist strap. After that, I've never gone back.

I've always gotten a Timex Expedition. Because it's water-proof up to 100 meters. Or down to, I guess. You never know when you're going to fall into a 99-meter deep puddle where somebody asks you the time. Happens to me every Thursday for some reason.

Guess what my new watch has on it. A COMPASS! How cool is that! I can tell you what direction I'm moving in! AND THE TIME!

I know what you're thinking. "I can buy a compass anywhere. That's nothing special."

Well, is the compass ATTACHED TO YOUR WATCH!? I didn't think so!

It's also good because I got lost in my puddle last Thursday. This compass will help me out a lot.

Now I'll always know where I am in space and time. Though I guess that's relative. (HA! That's right! It's a physics joke! I'm not ashamed!)

I'm off to go north.



Thursday, December 17, 2009

no tomatoes

Sarah Palin is going around the country to promote her new book. It's about The Flash's rogues gallery or something. I don't know. I didn't read it yet.

She was at Costco to promote her book and buy pens when she couldn't find any tomatoes. Well, I guess she didn't care about tomatoes, but other people did!

The store took away their tomato display because people threw tomatoes at her at another book signing. I guess they figured that without tomatoes, people wouldn't want to throw stuff at her.

Now, I'm not saying you should throw stuff at her, but if you really wanted to, Costco has a LOT of other squishy food. They still have grapes. Oranges. Lettuce. Pretzels. Office furniture.

I mean, did they think that hiding the tomatoes was the safest thing to do? What if I had family coming over and I wanted to make some tomato sauce? Should I tell my family, who cannot eat spaghetti without my personal tomato sauce, that they can't have it because Sarah Palin is in town?

I guess we're going to have to go without sauce this year. Maybe Sarah Palin should explain to my cousin, Tiny Tim, why there is no sauce.

My cousin, Tiny Tim, uses crutches like the guy on TV. He also has a kitten. The kitten also has to use crutches. And loves my tomato sauce.

I guess she doesn't care if she ruins my Christmas. Oh,'s still Hanukkah. I mean, I guess she doesn't care if she ruins my Hanukkah.

I'm off to serve dry spaghetti.



Wednesday, December 16, 2009

that's sexy

President Obama said that "Insulation is sexy stuff." That's an exact quote. And now, I want insulation. I don't even know what to do with it, but if it's sexy, I want in!

This is a great way to get people excited about insulation. He should do this for other things. So, I'm going to write a few speeches for him.

Tax time: "Taxes are tasty. Like enjoying a fresh strawberry, covered in chocolate."

Health Care Bill: "Let's think of the public option as silk sheets. That's something you'd want to slide into, isn't it?"

Afghanistan: "I don't want to jump to the decision. It's like when you're looking at kittens and puppies. You can't just take home the first cute, fuzzy puffball that comes up to you. You have to find the perfect match."

I don't know why he didn't hire me earlier. We would probably have world peace by now. I would compare it to smooth, rich chocolate.

Don't you want chocolate? Then I guess you want world peace.

Problem solved.

I'm off to install insulation.



Tuesday, December 15, 2009

road roof

I was driving in the rain and snow and had a great idea. I usually don't think my ideas are great, but this one is an exception.

We should build a pyramid roof over the highway. That way, we'll save the roads from getting ruined by snow and rain and asteroids. They will slide right off the roof!

Do you want some light? You can put some windows in them. Maybe put a few posters up of the latest hot musical act or something and now you have a little home away from home. That you drive under.

This would cost a lot of money, BUT think of all the money we'll save from not fixing the road all the time and not needing to plow them.

It will also give birds a safe place to stand. Maybe deer can climb up and over the roof so they don't get hit on the highway.

I can't think of one bad thing about the road roof. Unless you like looking at the sky when you drive. But you should really be paying attention to the road and not staring at a cloud that looks like a dragon because staring at the dragon won't save you from hitting a cop car in a speed trap. Trust me.

He did NOT see the dragon. He said it looked more like me getting arrested.

I keep telling him he's looking at the wrong part of the dashboard camera video. You can see the dragon. After I'm removed from the hood.

I'm off to do community service.



Monday, December 14, 2009


What does it mean when a movie preview has been approved for "Appropriate Audiences"?

I looked up "appropriate" to find out.

"1. suitable or fitting for a particular purpose..."


"2. belonging to or peculiar to a person..."

So, are we a fitting audience? Or a suitable audience? Did the movie gods deem us suitable to see the preview? That was very nice of them to think we were appropriate.

What if it belongs to us? Doesn't that mean we have the rights to that preview and we can do whatever we want with it? I could record that preview and put it up all over the internet without getting into trouble. I am an appropriate audience member. Legally speaking.

If I am inappropriate, does that mean I'm not allowed to watch the preview? Has anybody inappropriate ever seen a preview?

I guess I've never been inappropriate, because I've never been banned from a preview.

My blog is approved for appropriate and inappropriate people. I accept everybody because I'm cool like that. Cooler than a movie preview.

I'm off to be inappropriate.



Thursday, December 10, 2009

you're in

In Utah, there is a town named Logan. As great a name as that is, some strange stuff still happens there.

For example, thieves broke into the city's health offices and stole 17 wee wee samples.

I would say you're in trouble, but I'd only be saying that to be funny. And it totally makes me laugh.

Why would somebody steal that?! What could they possibly hope to gain from it? Does it have something to do with Christmas?

I don't want to talk about this anymore. It's too gross.

You know what I like? Sniffing candles. OH! So good! Like, you take the lid off of a cherry candle and take a big whiff! It's like I just ate a cherry! I LOVE IT!

That's a much better thought. I think I'll think about that thought some more.

I'm off to sniff a candle.



Tuesday, December 8, 2009

battle strategy

General Stanley McChrystal gave us a scary thought when he talked about the war in Afghanistan. His exact quote, "But the sober fact is that there are no silver bullets."

I'm not sure if that's scary to you, but I'm pretty freaked out! How are we going to fight werewolves?!

I'm afraid to say it, but I think we're going to have to hire some vampires to take care of this werewolf problem. Or possibly some werekangaroos. They are on our side and are totally awesome. I wish I was a werekangaroo. They also don't get hurt by silver bullets. They get hurt by golden lassos. And since Wonder Woman likes kangaroos, they're safe.

Oh wait...oh I get it! Stanley was making a joke about beer! Whew! I was all worried about nothing. No "silver bullets" so they're "sober". Ha! Good one Stanley.

Unless he isn't joking. Better stock up on your Coors Light.

I'm off to find my lunar calendar.



Monday, December 7, 2009


I saw some reindeer on display the other night and I thought to myself, "Wouldn't it be cool if the reindeer were unicorns? Or unideer? Or reinicorns?"

It would be so easy! You can make it out of a small pine tree, too! Just glue it onto the head of your reindeer display. Then throw a few lights around the horn/little tree. Light it up and you've made Christmas even more magical!

I know what you're thinking, "Wouldn't they have a single antler sticking out the top of their head if they were reinicorns?"

No. That would just look awful. I don't know why you would even think that.

Don't worry, I have an idea for Hanukkah, too. You can have a Menoricorn. Just line up nine unicorns and put a wick in the horn of each one. DONE!

I should really sell this stuff. I could make millions.

Imagine having dinosaurs and unicorns over for the holidays. It just makes the whole season better!

I'm off to light up the reinicorn.



Friday, December 4, 2009

show it off

I found out that plunging necklines are in. For men. So men can show off their chest hair and pectoral muscles. Because that'

Really? Didn't we learn our lessons from the 70s? If you didn't, here they are:

There is nothing sexy about men's chests in a V shape or mustaches in any shape.

It's not that I'm jealous or anything. I KNOW I can't pull that off. I can't pull off any "look" and I'm okay with that. But, there is NO man who can pull of the chest hair look AND make it look good. (I know some men who think they can, but seriously, you can't.)

Let's just keep the plunging necklines on women.

I'd rather have overalls with one side unhooked come back into fashion. Or even wearing them backwards would be better than men's chests being exposed. Kris Kross would love it.

Just think about it before you buy that shirt.

I'm off to make you jump, jump.



Thursday, December 3, 2009

dino tree

Why aren't dinosaurs a regular part of Christmas? Or Hanukkah? Or any of the other winter holidays?

I think that they should be part of the festivities somehow. Maybe you can put a T-Rex on the top of the tree or something. Get a few of those big lawn displays of a brachiosaurus with a Santa cap on.

That would be awesome.

I wish I could decorate the skeletal structure of a stegosaurus instead of a tree.

OH! And Santa could have eight velociraptors! That would be hard core!

I think I'll write my senate representative.

Dear Senate,

Dinosaurs are cool.


I'm off to work on my letter.



Wednesday, December 2, 2009

robot clam

Some folks at MIT have created robot clams. They did this to dig up underwater mines. These clams will also sacrifice themselves and blow up the mines so regular clams will not have to risk their own lives.

They modeled the robots after the Atlantic razor clam, which can dig really fast. They say it can dig at a whopping centimeter per second.

Wow. That's almost as fast as an elephant running through a pool of maple syrup and scarves. And not that thin maple syrup, but the good stuff from the deep Canadian woods. And really thick scarves that are hard to walk through.

I shouldn't make fun of them because they are finding water mines. I didn't even know that there was a problem with water mines, but I guess there is enough of an issue that we need to create roboclams.

The real problem is, of course, when these clams decide to stop doing what we tell them and start fighting back. Moving at a centimeter per second, we'll barely be able to slowly stroll away in fear.

They could eventually unionize and figure out a way to dig a lot of holes and trap us humans in deep pits so they could take over the world.

Hopefully we can be saved by the robotic razor clam's natural enemy, the robotic ring-billed gull. We are on good terms with the robotic ring-billed gulls. We did sign a treaty with them in 1993 stating that we would let them be gulls if they would let us be humans.

Hopefully it won't come to that, but just in case, I'm honing my ninja skills so I can fight off a robotic razor clam invasion.

I'm off to sharpen my sword.