christmas letter 2011

What a year! I mean, really. What a YEAR!

It started simple enough. I was asked to help with some cloud farming. I spent 8 years in Laos farming clouds, so I'm kind of an expert. My friend, Damian, the sky narwhal, runs a fantastic cloud farm. You know those puffy clouds that reflect the sunset perfectly? Those are his.

So, Damian and I worked on that for a few months. Then, out of NOWHERE, we got attacked! I know! Who would attack a cloud farmer and his expert pal?

Halibots. Yes, halibut robots. That can shoot daggers made out of ice.

Damian and I fought these things for what seemed like hours. Luckily, I spent 5 years learning how to use farming tools as ninja weapons in Siberia. So, I'm kind of an expert. And kind of deadly with a huller.

Turns out Damian has a "history" with these guys. And it's not pretty. Before his peaceful clouding days, he was a secret agent for MI-6. And not the nice "James Bondy" kind.

This wasn't an isolated incident, either. Turns out there were hundreds of attacks on cloud farmers everywhere. This is part of the reason we had such crazy weather this year.

Determined to help my friend, we spent months finding out who was behind these attacks. We knew we couldn't do it alone, so we called up Oscar, our Peruvian tech/pancake guy. He comes in handy.

After months of confronting everyone from a guy named Gus in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin to a giant robot frog, our journey came to an end.

It was Atnas. Again. Santa's evil doppelganger. He wanted to ruin Christmas! By tampering with the clouds! I KNOW! That's so evil! And possibly so raven!

This time, we weren't going to let Atnas get away. So, we borrowed a time-hole that went back to before the universe was created and decided to trap Atnas outside of time and space. I spent...some amount of time...somewhere...working outside of time and space, so I'm kind of an expert.

Luckily, Atnas has a weakness for pancakes. Told you he would come in handy.

We threw some maple-syruped pancakes on his face and tossed him out of time.

And Christmas was saved. At least, we hope it is. That was two weeks ago. Gus escaped. And trust me, Gus could still cause problems. Hopefully that won't be until next year...

I'm off to take break from farming.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

baking bubbles of flatness

As stated yesterday, I'm trying to bake cookies. Not only did I see a lot of sugar, I ALSO found out that there is a power and a soda for baking.

And you really have to READ your ingredients. I made cookies with baking soda and they needed baking powder. They were flat blobs of bubbling browness!

I tried one. They were still sugary, but not super yummy. About half-yummy. Just "yum" with no "my." That's kinda 3/5 yummy.

I may have also misread the amount of flour needed. So...that pile of dough was pretty doomed. Possibly even medically doomed. Like Dr. Doom...ed. The Fantastic Flour...er...Four...destroyed it. (That's a cooking joke. Chefs love it.)

So I went back to the store to get some replacement ingredients. After staring at the butter for a few hours, I found baking POWDER. Aluminium Free! I like to say "aluminium" instead of "aluminum" because it's the british way to say it...and it's more fun. But it's the same thing. And I want neither in my cookies. Are there people who DO want aluminium in their cookies?! Why?! So you can say that you eat metal?!

Oh...that is pretty cool. And Robot Santa likes that. Because Robot Santa eats metal. So metal cookies are perfect for him. Or so I've heard.

He says, "Ho Ho Ro-Bot!" He's awesome.

I'm off to eat metal.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

wash your nose

Have you ever been washing your face and stuck your finger up your nose? IT HURTS! I guess I wash my face to vigorously. But now my nose is clean. That's a first.

OH! Did you see that there is a movie about cowboys fighting aliens?! And there is going to be ANOTHER movie coming out with dinosaurs fighting aliens!

Now my world would be complete if we could get dinosaurs vs. aliens vs. cowboys vs. ninjas vs. robots!

THAT is a movie that I would see! Put that in 3-D and you have a HIT!

Give everybody lasers and swords and stuff! Especially the dinosaurs. I want them to win the fight. Mostly because they look cool when they have swords and lasers.

But partly because dinosaurs are HUGE AND WILL RULE THE WORLD! And build GIANT NINJA-ROBOT-DINOSAURS!

That is all.

I'm off to wash my face...if my dinosaur overlords allow it.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

hello, my name is robot, and I'll be your server

A new restaurant in China is run by robots!  There are six robot waiters and two robot hostesses. 

I guess they have genders, since there are no waitresses and no hosts.  I don't know.  I'm just telling you what I saw in the article. 

You go to this place and eat food that was delivered to your table by a robot.

Which SOUNDS awesome, but haven't they ever seen "2001: A Space Odyssey!"

Do you really want a robot telling you what you can eat or not?  Because, really, you KNOW they are correct.  They're robots.  And robots are never wrong.

Except that one time a robot told me that my tight leather pants didn't look cool on me.

That robot was just jealous of my totally rad, rock and roll style. 

I bet that after I left that party, the robot got a pair of leather pants just like mine.

Those robots.  What do they know.

Unless they take over the world, then I'm all for leather-panted robots. 

You robots look totally swanky.  Seriously.  Leather pants AND a fedora?  Awesome.  Please don't shoot me with lasers.

I'm off to buy my fedora. 

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

from diamond sea to...whoa, diamonds?!

One of those random planets that planet-looker-forers found is REALLY big.  And FULL of carbon!  That means, according to no scientists and one headline writer, it could be MADE OF DIAMONDS! 

Wow!  Diamonds everywhere!  Imagine what we could do with that! 

We could make cars out of diamonds that run on diamond fuel!

I could make a Fortress of Solitude like Superman.  Except made of diamonds! 

I could wear underwear MADE FROM DIAMONDS! 

The world could be run by DIAMOND ROBOTS!

The possibilities are endless! 

Endless...until we run out of diamonds.  So...kinda endless.  But with a possible end.  More like, endlessish.

Yeah.  That.

So, if you want to live on this possibly-covered-in-diamonds planet, you'll have to travel about 1,200 light years.  Which won't take long IN YOUR DIAMOND SPACESHIP POWERED BY DIAMONDS!

I'm off to my fortress of solitude.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

carmenbot 2000 vs. die fledermausotronic 4.0: the siegfried processor

Now that I just spent an hour trying to come up with a clever title, I can get to the story.

The people at MIT have decided that operas are boring. And they are correct!

To make the opera more exciting, they are adding robots! Now THAT is something worth seeing!

"Death and the Powers" is an opera about something that happens. But more importantly, it has robots! And when there are robots, you just KNOW there have to be lasers!

And possibly something that transforms into a car! That would be awesome.

Tod Machover is the composer and head of the Hyperinstruments lab at MIT. What's a hyperinstrument? Well, that's kinda hard to explain, but basically, you take an instrument and put the word hyper in front of it. Then yell what it is. That should work.

Like this: "I have a HYPERVIOLIN!"

Not hyper enough for you? Try this: "HYPERTUBA!"

Oh, and add lasers to the instrument. That should give it more hyperocity. Yeah...do that...

I guess they are going on tour with the show. A HYPERTOUR! You should go see it. But wear laser-blocking clothes. You don't want to get shot.

I'm off to play my HYPERPICCOLO!

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

genius comes in a cartoon

Animal Mechanical is a kiddie show that I just saw for the first time the other day. I had NO idea what this show was about, but I didn't care. It has the BEST CAST EVER!

First, they have a dinosaur.

Second, they have a unicorn.

THIRD! THEY ARE BOTH ROBOTS!

WHAT?! How come I never thought of this before! Three of the COOLEST things combined in one place for me!

And the unicorn can fly!

Holy magical excitement!

I can only imagine this writer pitching the show.

Writer: "So, I have this idea. Let's have a team of animals with a T-Rex and a unicorn."

Executive: "I like it so far. What else can you give me?"

Writer: "You might want to sit down for this part. They. Are. All. Robots."

Executive: "GALUMPUS! I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And thus, history was made.

I'm off to galumpus.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

diamond saw

BP keeps working on ways to stop the oil leak. Leak is kind of a weak word for what's happening there. We'll call it the oil explusion. It's not quite an explosion, but close enough.

They tried robots with diamond saws to cut the pipe so they can cap it. Scared? You should be. What do we really know about these robots? They live on the bottom of the ocean. AND THEY HAVE DIAMOND SAW-HANDS!

If I learned anything from history/comic books, it's that humans and ocean-dwellers do NOT get along. Namor, the prince of Atlantis, is ALWAYS attacking the land-walkers because we're destroying the ocean!

Sure, these robots say they will help stop the gushing, but once it is fixed, who knows what they'll do! Remember what I said earlier? DIAMOND SAW-HANDS!

Diamonds can cut through glass! You can't keep these things out of your house! They'll just cut through the windows! Diamonds are the hardest substance on Earth! (Using the Mohs scale of mineral hardness, of course.)

I mean, I have a pretty tough Nerf ninja sword, but who knows if that will protect me from swarms of diamond-saw robots.

I won't give up easily. If I have to fight back, I will. I am made from the awesomest substance on Earth. (Using the Unicorn scale of person awesomeness, of course.)

And Snapple is made from the best stuff on earth. I like Snapple. It's good.

I'm off to get some apple juice.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

post-it

Did you know that the post-it note turned 30 this month? Yeah. It was April of 1980 that the first post-it was stuck to a wall. Unfortunately, the post-it wasn't dated, so they weren't sure of the exact day, but it did say "Pay April's rent before the end of the month." So, we got that part right.

I love post-it notes. I pretty much owe them my life. I have notes everywhere reminding me of stuff. Like:

"Don't fall on swords."

"Lasers will probably go through skin. So don't play with them."

"You can't fly, so don't walk off cliffs."

I have them everywhere.

Did you know CNN also started in 1980? Also! The Supreme Court allowed patents for living organisms! I didn't even know that! Can I patent me?! Or some sort of new human/robot hybrid that I create?

I need to write that down on a post-it. Hold on...oh wait. I already have it.

"Human/robot hybrids will probably have laser eyes. Refer to laser post-it before pursuing."

Oh. Got it. Saved my life again.

I'm off to post-it.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

ceiling drip

I look at my ceiling sometimes and wonder why it was made that way. I don't think it is just my apartment, either.

The walls and ceiling are made of plaster or something. I don't know what it is, but it's white. It's pretty solid, but I could probably put a hole in the wall if I really wanted to. I don't really want to, but it's nice to have the option.

Anyway, the ceiling is all drippy looking.

Why do they do that with ceilings? Is it because of gravity? No matter how smooth you try to make it, it will drip down like stalactites?

Or is it just a "look" thing? Is it to make the ceiling separate from the wall so you can figure out which one is which? Sometimes I do get confused, but not often enough that it needs to be bumpy.

I'm just a little upset because I'm hoping that someday I can walk on walls. If I can do that, I'll probably have to be barefoot. So, walking on the ceiling will hurt my feet. That's all I'm worried about.

I also worry about robot ninjas. But not as much.

I'm off to walk on walls.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

more robots!

I want to go to Harvard University. Apparently, they got a LOT of stimulus money. Not to create new jobs, but to create new bees. Robot bees.

That's right! NINE MILLION DOLLARS to create robotic bees! I have no idea why they are creating robotic bees, but as you know, robots are cool. So, does it really matter?

I have a feeling that it is just another safety measure to the chance of a rogue robot groundhog, but I'm not sure. There is no word on the sort of weapons that the robot bees will have, but I'm guessing it will be stingers with nanobots. Of course, I'm no roboticist.

Harvard ALSO got $225,000 to study the horns of the narwhal. Now THAT'S a waste of money. I can already tell you what that is for.

Destroying evil wizards who attack unicorns. Or destroying any evil stuff. But mostly wizards because narwhals can't be hurt by magic. Or bullets.

So I guess some of the money is wasted. Oh, a school in Agawam got $25,000 for vertical blinds. I would say that's a waste of money, but vertical blinds can be helpful...WHEN YOU ARE IN A FIGHT AGAINST THE SUN! And they are the only thing known to harm a narwhal. So, there's that too.

I'm off to win a sun/narwhal battle.

Enjoy Everything

-DJ

robot groundhog

You may have heard that PETA wants to replace Phil with a robot because they say the Groundhog Day event is too stressful.

Whatever. Whether it is stressful or not, we should TOTALLY replace Phil with a robot! Because robots are awesome!

We could give him lasers and rocket boots and a sword! And he could eat diamonds!

The fear is that he could eventually evolve past his original programming and rebel against his human oppressors, but we have a backup plan.

The hummingbirds.

You don't think so? Have you seen these things?! They fly at, like, 60mph and have daggers on their face! With the hummingbirds on our side, we have NOTHING to worry about.

So let's get that robot groundhog and hope it rebels. I wanna watch that fight.

I'm off to find my shadow.

Enjoy Everything

-DJ

get a new phone

Most cell phone companies give you a deal on a new phone every 18 months. That means you probably get a new phone every 18 months, right?

Now, growing up, how long did you have your landline? I know one of the phones in my house was there my whole life. At least 20 years worth of use.

What does that tell you? Spending money on new stuff is awesome! Granted, I would LOVE to carry around a large rotary (look it up, kids) phone that connected to a cell tower, but they don't make that. It would be sweet to clunk that phone onto a table when it was ringing from ANY location!

Since we can't have that, we constantly have to get new phones. And these new phones don't last that long. They all break after a year or so. But that's okay because that phone was getting old, anyway. It probably didn't do half the cool stuff that your new phone does. Like turn into a robot and ride a unicycle.

At least, that's what I want my phone to do.

I would also like it to taste like cherries. Just in case I decide to chew on it. Which I might do on a warm summer's night.

I'm off to answer my phone.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

robot clam

Some folks at MIT have created robot clams. They did this to dig up underwater mines. These clams will also sacrifice themselves and blow up the mines so regular clams will not have to risk their own lives.

They modeled the robots after the Atlantic razor clam, which can dig really fast. They say it can dig at a whopping centimeter per second.

Wow. That's almost as fast as an elephant running through a pool of maple syrup and scarves. And not that thin maple syrup, but the good stuff from the deep Canadian woods. And really thick scarves that are hard to walk through.

I shouldn't make fun of them because they are finding water mines. I didn't even know that there was a problem with water mines, but I guess there is enough of an issue that we need to create roboclams.

The real problem is, of course, when these clams decide to stop doing what we tell them and start fighting back. Moving at a centimeter per second, we'll barely be able to slowly stroll away in fear.

They could eventually unionize and figure out a way to dig a lot of holes and trap us humans in deep pits so they could take over the world.

Hopefully we can be saved by the robotic razor clam's natural enemy, the robotic ring-billed gull. We are on good terms with the robotic ring-billed gulls. We did sign a treaty with them in 1993 stating that we would let them be gulls if they would let us be humans.

Hopefully it won't come to that, but just in case, I'm honing my ninja skills so I can fight off a robotic razor clam invasion.

I'm off to sharpen my sword.

Enjoy!

-DJ

summer hike

I saw Santa the other day. He was hiking through West Springfield.

How did I know he was hiking? He had a large hiking stick. And he was wearing hiking clothes. I think he was hiking for car parts because he was standing in front of a car parts store. I don't know what Santa needs car parts for. Especially since he is such an avid hiker. Maybe he was doing some shopping for you.

I wanted to ask him for stuff, but I was in my car and didn't have a good spot to turn around. He was probably tired from hiking, anyway. Still, it would have been nice to get my requests in early. I know it might take a while to build a giant robot dinosaur, so I don't want him to feel rushed.

I also didn't have my list prepared. It's not like I was expecting him to hike through town in the summer.

Did you see him hiking the other day? Did you give him your list? Lucky. You're always prepared, aren't you. Fine. Maybe you'll get your giant robot dinosaur and I'll just get a dolphin.

Again.

You don't have to be such a showoff.

I'm off to get my list ready.

Enjoy!

-DJ

rocket-powered babies

So at first, this story seems serious, but if you ignore all the bad stuff, it's actually pretty funny.

Rocket fuel in baby formula. Sounds dangerous, but in my imagination, it sounds awesome. It's probably not good for kids to eat rocket fuel, but what if it turns little kids into rockets? I mean, this sort of thing happens in comic books all the time. A kid is raised on rocket fuel and becomes ROCKET BOY! THE SAVIOR OF THE SPACEWAY!

I say we let these kids drink rocket fuel! Imagine if your babies had little rockets form on their feet. They could jet you off to work in the morning AND get to daycare in, like, 5 minutes! Saving TONS of time from your commute.

THEN! If a giant robot dinosaur rampages across the city, rocket baby can fly up to it and shoot rocket plasma from his or her hands and melt Ellington the Evil Robot Dinosaur! And the rocket babies save the world again!

I say "again" because last week they had to destroy Benito the Angry Tree.

I just want to make sure the Center for Disease Control knows what they're doing. Do they want to have normal babies OR do they want an army of rocket babies that save the world?

I know what I would pick.

I'm off to eat some rocket fuel.

Enjoy!

-DJ

new hips for sale!

This financial thing is causing a lot of problems. One of the big problems is job loss. Another problem is just the FEAR of job loss.

With that comes the loss or change of health benefits. So, to make sure everything is in working order, people are getting surgery done...whether they need it or not.

That's right, doctors are seeing people come in and ask for hip replacements. They don't NEED one yet, but they still want to get one. You know, just in case. I can't argue with that logic. If you had one hip for 50 years, you might as well get a new one for the next 50. It's like getting a new timing belt after 90,000 miles; you know that you'll probably need one at some point, so you might as well be safe and get it before your car breaks down.

I have decided that I would also rather be safe than sorry. I will be going in for a new knee (ha! that's fun to say "new knee"), a new hip, a couple of ribs and maybe a new elbow.

I am also hoping to get some robot parts. I don't know what's available, but maybe I could get a robot arm. Like Luke Skywalker, but my arm will change on my command. Like, I could think about changing my hand into a fork, and it will change.

I will also see if I can get retractable wings. So I can fly. And look awesome.

I'm off to check my benefits for "robotic parts."

Enjoy!

-DJ

the greatest prize

The lottery here in America isn't bad. A lot of people win money. I won a dollar the other day. I felt pretty awesome. Of course, one dollar isn't as cool as winning an island.

Yeh Chien-wei is a 4-year-old boy who won the lottery in Taipei last week. He won the use of an uninhabited island for five trips over five months.

You know what that means? Kool-Aid beach party at Yeh's place!

I could totally see this as a movie premise. Yeh and his family go to the island only to find out it is haunted by dinosaur ghosts. Yeh becomes friends with a ghost T-Rex named Teddy, who will look cute and friendly so it's more marketable. Yeh visits the island for years and grows up with Teddy and all his other dinosaur friends. Until one day, Yeh is all grown up and life gets in the way of him visiting the island. When he finally returns, he can't find Teddy. And we're left to wonder if they were ever real at all. Ooooooh.

I think they were. Of course, I'm pretty much a fan of anything with dinosaurs and want them to still exist. Or robots. I like them too.

Hopefully this will be made into a movie. Starring me, so I can get paid for my idea.

Oh, and I think I'll call it, "Dinosaur Island!"

My next movie idea involves robot ghosts. On a fjord. I'll call it "Ghost Fjord!"

Sometimes I amaze myself.

This is not one of those times.

I'm off to play the lottery.

Enjoy!

-DJ