christmas letter 2011

What a year! I mean, really. What a YEAR!

It started simple enough. I was asked to help with some cloud farming. I spent 8 years in Laos farming clouds, so I'm kind of an expert. My friend, Damian, the sky narwhal, runs a fantastic cloud farm. You know those puffy clouds that reflect the sunset perfectly? Those are his.

So, Damian and I worked on that for a few months. Then, out of NOWHERE, we got attacked! I know! Who would attack a cloud farmer and his expert pal?

Halibots. Yes, halibut robots. That can shoot daggers made out of ice.

Damian and I fought these things for what seemed like hours. Luckily, I spent 5 years learning how to use farming tools as ninja weapons in Siberia. So, I'm kind of an expert. And kind of deadly with a huller.

Turns out Damian has a "history" with these guys. And it's not pretty. Before his peaceful clouding days, he was a secret agent for MI-6. And not the nice "James Bondy" kind.

This wasn't an isolated incident, either. Turns out there were hundreds of attacks on cloud farmers everywhere. This is part of the reason we had such crazy weather this year.

Determined to help my friend, we spent months finding out who was behind these attacks. We knew we couldn't do it alone, so we called up Oscar, our Peruvian tech/pancake guy. He comes in handy.

After months of confronting everyone from a guy named Gus in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin to a giant robot frog, our journey came to an end.

It was Atnas. Again. Santa's evil doppelganger. He wanted to ruin Christmas! By tampering with the clouds! I KNOW! That's so evil! And possibly so raven!

This time, we weren't going to let Atnas get away. So, we borrowed a time-hole that went back to before the universe was created and decided to trap Atnas outside of time and space. I spent...some amount of time...somewhere...working outside of time and space, so I'm kind of an expert.

Luckily, Atnas has a weakness for pancakes. Told you he would come in handy.

We threw some maple-syruped pancakes on his face and tossed him out of time.

And Christmas was saved. At least, we hope it is. That was two weeks ago. Gus escaped. And trust me, Gus could still cause problems. Hopefully that won't be until next year...

I'm off to take break from farming.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

choices

A friend of mine got a coupon. I guess there is a store that will "reward" you for shopping with them. If you scan the card, they'll give you points and stuff. Finally, after you get some points, you can get a coupon.

But not just ANY coupon! A coupon good for one of two things! That's right, you get to CHOOSE what you want!

Her choice? A disposable toothbrush or chocolate. Seriously. That's what they give you.

WHAT?! That's not a choice! That's a desperate plea to get rid of disposable toothbrushers!

I think next month the coupon will be for a free punch in the gut or a pillow. Maybe after that they'll give you the choice of nail clippers or your very own cloud that you can ride around the world! How about the option of window cleaner or a suit made of cotton balls?!

Actually, my windows are kinda dirty, so that might be a tough one.

I'm off to brush my disposable teeth.

Enjoy!

-DJ

i love nasa

Why? Because they can build light-clouds. Like a sky-firefly.

There are these clouds called noctilucent clouds that light up. They are really, REALLY high up in the sky and are visible ONLY when the sun is below the horizon. This creates a cloud that lights up EVEN AT NIGHT! How cool is that?! The earth does some pretty amazing things, right?

Well, not to be outdone by the earth, NASA decided to create their own noctilucent cloud. And they succeeded! They also accidentally succeeded in lighting up the East Coast with flashes that people thought were aliens.

Woops.

If we can make clouds that light up the sky, we won't need street lights anymore! We could save billions in electricity. Granted, it probably cost NASA billions to make one cloud, but it's still pretty cool.

Is that the only reason I love NASA? No. NASA is also sweet and caring and writes me love poems. Like this one:

"I've seen the universe
I've seen the moon
but the world is empty
without yoon."

Eh...the thought is there.

I'm off to light up the sky.

Enjoy!

-DJ

weather or not

It's always fun to talk about the weather. It's even more fun when the weather has gone completely crazy. Around here, the forecast has been cloudy with a chance of showers and thunderstorms. It hasn't changed in weeks. The strange thing is that the sun has come out. Many times. On "cloudy" days. Not a cloud in the sky.

So what's the deal? Are the clouds saying they are coming out the play and they abandon the sun? That's not cool.

Sun to Clouds: Hey! You comin out to play today?

Clouds: Sure we are!

Sun: Sweet! I'll see you later! We'll have a blast!

Cloud 1 to Cloud 2: Let's ditch Sun.

Cloud 2: Yeah. Sun is lame. Sun thinks it's soooo hot. I'm done with Sun.

(8 hours later....)

Sun: I guess the Clouds didn't want to come and play. Fine! See if I care! I'm just going to set and never come out again! See if you like that! I hate you!

The sun can be pretty dramatic at times. Still, those clouds better watch out. I've seen the sun wield two scoops of raisins before. I was hit by two scoops of raisins once. I still have the bruises. And my fibula has never been the same. So, don't make fun of the sun. Just have fun in the sun.

I'm off to check the weather.

Enjoy!

-DJ

cloudy

There is a Cloud Appreciation Society. It is real. I know it sounds like something I might make up for a joke, but it's totally true. They love clouds. They love looking at clouds. Writing about clouds. Singing songs about clouds. All sorts of cloud stuff.

They also want the world to recognize a brand new cloud. It's some cloud that isn't classified yet and they want cloudologists to give it the respect it deserves. They want to call it an Asperatus. I know it sounds like a vegetable, but it is cloud. It might have fiber and Vitamin A, but I'm not sure. I haven't eaten a cloud. Or a vegetable.

As you may have heard (or read a few seconds ago) that the Cloud Appreciation Society writes songs about clouds. They have inspired me to write a song about clouds as well. I call it "Ain't Too Cloud To Beg".

I would write the lyrics, but they are in cloud language, so you wouldn't understand. But I can tell you that the song is beautiful. I've seen clouds cry when I perform it. Yeah. I'm good like that.

I'm off to check the stratus of my cumulus.

Enjoy!

-DJ