christmas letter 2011

What a year! I mean, really. What a YEAR!

It started simple enough. I was asked to help with some cloud farming. I spent 8 years in Laos farming clouds, so I'm kind of an expert. My friend, Damian, the sky narwhal, runs a fantastic cloud farm. You know those puffy clouds that reflect the sunset perfectly? Those are his.

So, Damian and I worked on that for a few months. Then, out of NOWHERE, we got attacked! I know! Who would attack a cloud farmer and his expert pal?

Halibots. Yes, halibut robots. That can shoot daggers made out of ice.

Damian and I fought these things for what seemed like hours. Luckily, I spent 5 years learning how to use farming tools as ninja weapons in Siberia. So, I'm kind of an expert. And kind of deadly with a huller.

Turns out Damian has a "history" with these guys. And it's not pretty. Before his peaceful clouding days, he was a secret agent for MI-6. And not the nice "James Bondy" kind.

This wasn't an isolated incident, either. Turns out there were hundreds of attacks on cloud farmers everywhere. This is part of the reason we had such crazy weather this year.

Determined to help my friend, we spent months finding out who was behind these attacks. We knew we couldn't do it alone, so we called up Oscar, our Peruvian tech/pancake guy. He comes in handy.

After months of confronting everyone from a guy named Gus in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin to a giant robot frog, our journey came to an end.

It was Atnas. Again. Santa's evil doppelganger. He wanted to ruin Christmas! By tampering with the clouds! I KNOW! That's so evil! And possibly so raven!

This time, we weren't going to let Atnas get away. So, we borrowed a time-hole that went back to before the universe was created and decided to trap Atnas outside of time and space. I spent...some amount of time...somewhere...working outside of time and space, so I'm kind of an expert.

Luckily, Atnas has a weakness for pancakes. Told you he would come in handy.

We threw some maple-syruped pancakes on his face and tossed him out of time.

And Christmas was saved. At least, we hope it is. That was two weeks ago. Gus escaped. And trust me, Gus could still cause problems. Hopefully that won't be until next year...

I'm off to take break from farming.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

fond du lac

What's up with Fond du Lac, Wisconsin? I don't really get this city, and yet, it is constantly in the news for all sorts of weird stories.

The city is pretty famous for having a lot of lottery winners. They also have odd news stories like the most recent one about somebody wearing a monkey suit and stealing bananas.

Here's my theory: Fond du Lac is fake. They say it is near a lake called Lake Winnebago. Seriously? I'm supposed to believe they named a lake after a motor home company? I don't think so.

Also, they are proud to say they are the home of Dan Gorske. He is a Big Mac enthusiast. Do you see what I'm saying? Is there REALLY such a thing as a Big Mac enthusiast?

It is rumored to be the location for the Walleye Weekend. Now, I never saw that movie, but I'm pretty sure that Walleye was a fictional robot invented by Pixar last year and could NOT have been around in 1978 when this festival SUPPOSEDLY started.

Clearly this is a made up town by somebody who overdosed on cheese. It is documented that when people eat way too much cheese, they create whole new realities for themselves and never want to leave. I guess a lot of people in Wisconsin have eaten a lot of cheese.

Mass hallucination.

So there's your lesson. Don't eat too much cheese.

Oh, and if you are from Fond du Lac and you are reading this. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you are imaginary. I'm sorry, but it's true.

I'm off to tell 43,460 people where they really live.

Enjoy!

-DJ