are car bumpers unhappy?

I know how to drive an automobile. Or, as the kids call it, a horseless carriage. And sometimes, when the police are not patrolling, I am actually allowed to drive places!

It's a lot of fun. But I do it responsibly. Partly because I like safety. Mostly because I don't want to go to jail.

For the past few weeks, I've noticed something odd during my driving adventures.

Car bumpers.

YEP! They're everywhere! Just sitting there on the side of the road!

Now, I bet you're wondering "Why would car bumpers just abandon the rest of their car bodies?"

I have 37 theories. 26 involve ninjas. 5 require large red dragons. 3 rely on theoretical physics. And 2 need me in space.

There is one other theory, but it's just too crazy to even mention. But, just in case, if you see a dinosaur with stars instead of horns that knows how to recite Shakespeare and rides on a blue cloud, please tell me. That would totally confirm my last theory.

I'd love to hear your theories. But I'm sure I already thought of it. I mean, I do have 37 of them. That's kind of a lot.

I'm off to check my bumper for ninjas.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

do you have the time for a rhyme?

It's National Poetry Month! And according to the American Society of Poets, or ASP, you have to say at least one rhyme a day for the month of April. It's true. If you don't, they will send poet ninjas after you. And you can never see their rhymes coming.

You: "Oh, I didn't rhyme today. Eh...who's gonna notice."

Ninja: "You think we don't know? That you didn't show the flow? We move with nary a rustle. Except at the disco when we hustle."

You: "Oh no. I gotta think of something! The Poet Ninjas are coming!"

Ninja: "Our swords shimmer like the sun. With one swipe, you are done. Better think of something very fast. Or this next breath might be your last."

You: "Um! Uh! I met a monkey! He was funky!"

Ninja: "Cool. We'll take it. Good job. We out."

You: "Phew..."

Ninjas are cool. But rhyming ninjas are cooler. It's a historical fact. Look it up. There's, like, a whole section of it in McCullough's "The Taiheiki: A Chronicle of Medieval Japan."

Don't actually look it up, though.

I'm off to do a rhyme or two.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

ninja bird vs. pirate panda

Okay, so I don't actually have any pirate pandas.  Nor do I have any ninja birds.  BUT!  That's only because they are extinct!  The birds, I mean. 

Scientists have found the bones for an extinct bird in Jamaica that would whip its wings around like nunchaku. 

So making a giant leap to a dramatic conclusion, these ninja birds fought evil pirate pandas to protect Jamaica from invasion.  Since pirate pandas like invading things. 

If you were planning a trip to Jamaica 10,000 years ago, you might want to have thought again.  In the first place, time travel is still a little shaky.  Secondly, you don't want to get attacked by ninja birds.

Ninja birds also protect the space-time continuum from time travelers like you. 

And you might look like a panda.  If you're like me, you will always wear your panda suit when you travel.  Especially for time travel. 

Other animals are extinct, too.  Like dinosaurs.  They didn't need to learn the ancient art of ninjutsu.  They were pretty huge, so really, they could just step on you. 

If a Stegosaurus DID learn martial arts, it could probably mess you up! 

Here's today's lesson: Don't travel back in time.  Ninja animals might attack you.  It's not worth it.  Unless expedia has a REALLY cheap price.  Then it might be cool. 

I'm off to nunchaku.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

ninja time

Are you a ninja? If you are, that's cool. If you are NOT, welllllllllllll then, have we got a deal for you!

There's a guy in New York who will teach you "effective methods of self-protection" including "how to avoid the assault of a sword."

He can teach you how to be a ninja for only $195 a lesson! That's a bargain!

So, if you're looking for something to do this summer. Why not become a ninja?

Or maybe get a gift certificate for a loved one so they can become a ninja? I heard grandma wanted to learn some kenjutsu.

Even if she didn't say that, she was totally thinking it. All grandmas love ninjutsu.

I'm off to practice effective methods of self-protection.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

diamond saw

BP keeps working on ways to stop the oil leak. Leak is kind of a weak word for what's happening there. We'll call it the oil explusion. It's not quite an explosion, but close enough.

They tried robots with diamond saws to cut the pipe so they can cap it. Scared? You should be. What do we really know about these robots? They live on the bottom of the ocean. AND THEY HAVE DIAMOND SAW-HANDS!

If I learned anything from history/comic books, it's that humans and ocean-dwellers do NOT get along. Namor, the prince of Atlantis, is ALWAYS attacking the land-walkers because we're destroying the ocean!

Sure, these robots say they will help stop the gushing, but once it is fixed, who knows what they'll do! Remember what I said earlier? DIAMOND SAW-HANDS!

Diamonds can cut through glass! You can't keep these things out of your house! They'll just cut through the windows! Diamonds are the hardest substance on Earth! (Using the Mohs scale of mineral hardness, of course.)

I mean, I have a pretty tough Nerf ninja sword, but who knows if that will protect me from swarms of diamond-saw robots.

I won't give up easily. If I have to fight back, I will. I am made from the awesomest substance on Earth. (Using the Unicorn scale of person awesomeness, of course.)

And Snapple is made from the best stuff on earth. I like Snapple. It's good.

I'm off to get some apple juice.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

breakfast alive

I want Frosted Mini-Wheats that talk to me. Like in that commercial when they help that kid study for a test. They are so funny!

I love the very end when the one Mini-Wheat is marching away in his little revolutionary outfit!

Sometimes I do the march, too. I think I will be a "Mini-Wheat marching to battle" for halloween. Or tomorrow. Whenever.

I kinda want food to talk to me. But it might make it harder to eat. So, maybe if food just had an entertaining representative? I don't know.

It's a tough decision.

It would be cool if bananas were ninjas. Or maybe not. I like bananas and ninjas are impossible to find.

Huh. Life IS complicated, isn't it?

OH! I've heard Rice Krispies talk, but they never say anything important. They're actually kind of boring.

I'm off to find a banana.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

ceiling drip

I look at my ceiling sometimes and wonder why it was made that way. I don't think it is just my apartment, either.

The walls and ceiling are made of plaster or something. I don't know what it is, but it's white. It's pretty solid, but I could probably put a hole in the wall if I really wanted to. I don't really want to, but it's nice to have the option.

Anyway, the ceiling is all drippy looking.

Why do they do that with ceilings? Is it because of gravity? No matter how smooth you try to make it, it will drip down like stalactites?

Or is it just a "look" thing? Is it to make the ceiling separate from the wall so you can figure out which one is which? Sometimes I do get confused, but not often enough that it needs to be bumpy.

I'm just a little upset because I'm hoping that someday I can walk on walls. If I can do that, I'll probably have to be barefoot. So, walking on the ceiling will hurt my feet. That's all I'm worried about.

I also worry about robot ninjas. But not as much.

I'm off to walk on walls.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

the shredder

Here's a lesson for ya...don't put things on paper shredders unless you want them shredded.

I know it seems simple, but it's a lesson that I, and my bag, had to learn the hard way. Some of you may know that I always have a large bag with me. Call it a man-bag, murse, purse, messenger bag...whatever...it's always with me. I like to have stuff with me all the time.

This bag has two straps that will hook onto the top flap so I can seal the bag. At least, it USED to have two straps. Now it has a strap and a stump.

I put my bag on one of those big paper shredders and it started to eat my bag. It was quite dramatic.

Shredder: GRRRRRRRRR! (eating my bag)

Me: NO!!!!! Let go of my bag your multi-toothed monstrosity!

Shredder: GRRRRRRRR!

I pulled out my (nerf) sword and stabbed the shredder until it gave up and spit out my bag.

I was kinda like a ninja. If ninjas beat up office appliances.

Which they do if the appliance is eating their ninja purse.

I'm off to unplug the shredder.

Enjoy!

-DJ

tips for mom shopping

No, I don't mean actually purchasing a mother! Shopping for your mom since mother's day is coming up.

Buy her stuff that she likes and/or needs. That is the only tip.

Here is what I am doing for mother's day. I am going to buy my mom poison-tipped throwing stars.

Because my mom is a ninja. And she flies a rocket ship to get to places where she ninjas things. (ninja can be used as a verb)

Last year I got her a bumper sticker for her rocket ship. It said "If you can read this, you are too close to my rocket ship. So if you don't back off, I might have to ninja you!"

She loved it. It is on her rocket ship right now.

I can't wait to go to the ninja store because they also sell maple syrup. The maple syrup is not poisoned.

I'm off to check on throwing star shipping charges.

Enjoy!

-DJ

nerf ninja

I just saw a commercial for the coolest thing ever. Nerf swords. What a great idea! I'm surprised it took them so long to come out with them. I guess Nerf technology wasn't ready for it until recently.

It's part of their "N-Force" which I'm pretty sure means "Ninja Force" because ninjas use swords.

Since it does involve ninjas, they are keeping the information pretty confidential. You can't see much except some pictures.

As soon as these come out, I'm going to buy some. You never know when a duel might occur. Sometimes the mailman comes to my door and says I have to sign for a package. Then he will take out a ninja star and throw it at me. If I had a sword, I could totally take him out. Then sign for my package. Then enjoy the comic books inside. Unless he poisoned them, which has happened more than once. I have a wily mailman. I lost count how many times I've died.

Don't even get me started on the mailwoman who fills in for him sometimes. She's ruthless.

I'll be ready next time you come to my door and try to attack. I've been working on my moves. BAM! Ha! You weren't expecting that move, were ya? I didn't think so.

Oh, and if your kids ask for a Nerf sword, you should get them one. It's good protection. Make sure they have a triceratops to ride, too. Riding a triceratops and holding a sword is probably the coolest image you could have. Do that at the next board meeting and I guarantee you will get you way.

And if you don't, you have a sword and dinosaur to make your point.

Pun intended.

I'm off to duel.

Enjoy!

-DJ

christmas cards

Ok, so how boring are christmas cards. I mean, it's nice to get them from friends, but they're SO SAPPY! Picture ones aren't TOO bad because they could have a fun picture from a friend, but they still usually say something boring about love and magic and family.

BOOOOOORING!

No offense to anybody who sent me a card. I appreciate being remembered by you and I know your options are limited. The secret greeting card industry has a meeting every year on top of old Smokey to discuss the sappiness of their christmas cards. Usually nobody shows up and they just go with what they got. Well, it is covered in snow, so it's not exactly the best place for a meeting.

This year I decided to spice them up a little bit. Which, after a few of those, I got tired of being spicy so I just said Merry Christmas or something. Eh, I'm lazy. Some folks did get strange messages about popcorn and the color purple and the fact that I want a SUPER AWESOME TRICERATOPS from Santa. See yesterday's blog for details.

Why can't they make cards fun? I know you can buy some with silly phrases on them, but those aren't silly enough for me. Why can't they say stuff like, "Eat lots of cookies when you visit your grandparents because Santa said cookies are good for you and Santa doesn't like to eat cookies alone."

Or, (Front) "The recipe for a good Christmas." (Inside) "Ask for a cookie jar, then fill it with cookies, then eat the cookies, then pass out, then wake up the next morning for presents."

How about this one if you're Jewish: The front just has a picture of a ninja. The inside says, "The Hanukkah Ninja will leave you presents, but ONLY if you remember to light the menorah. If you don't, the ninja will eat all your cookies. And probably do ninja things around your house...like hit stuff with his foot and sword."

Oh well. I guess I'll just deal with good will and all that jazz. OOOOOH! How about a card done in "scat".

(Front) How do you say "Happy Holidays" like a jazz scatter?

(Inside) Scoobie do wop bop bop a shibby dibby do wop pop pop doo doo.

You should hear me sing it. It totally sounds like I'm saying Happy Holidays.

I'm off to scattara dang a boodie doop.

Enjoy!

-DJ

tales from the candy crypt

It's time for Halloween!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is that enough of an exclamation? I hope it is! Since I'm such a nice guy, I decided to help all of those parents out there with children. I guess all parents would have children. You wouldn't technically be a parent unless there was a child. I think I mean parents of young children that are going out trick-or-treating tonight.

I know there are a lot of safety concerns and we don't want the little ghosts and goblins to get hurt, so I have some tips on what you should and shouldn't do tonight.

Now pay attention:

Unless your child is actually a REAL ninja, do not let them dress as a ninja in all black. It's good for them to blend into the night if they are actually fighting off samurais from the Neko clan, BUT if they are going out just to get candy, it's not too safe. Here's the solution: Buy a bright green ninja costume. This way they will stand out against darkness of night. If your green ninja wants to know why they are bright green, just tell them that they would blend in if they were in a huge, open, grass field on a cartoon. The grass on cartoons is usually bright and green. Therefore, we could not see your day-glow ninja.

Pirates are another great costume, but tend to be darker colors. Again, that is not safe at night. Instead, be a Pink Pirate! Pink is easy to see at night, and if you ask any pirate, they will tell you that they wish they could get away with wearing pink. It's true. Have you ever met a real pirate? I have. And they LOVE pink.

If you're going to be a pirate, do NOT bring a real sword around with you. I know it sounds like a great idea, but it's not. Once people start hearing about a real pirate around town, they will lock their doors. When that happens, there is no more candy to get. It's better to be nice to the candy-givers than to threaten them. You want them to keep giving you candy every year. If things get all stabby...well...they might not give you candy next year.

Finally, and this is the MOST important piece of advice you will ever get in your life, so put down your ipods and hoola hoops, kids, because I'm only going to say this once...EAT AS MUCH CANDY AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN AS SOON AS YOU GET HOME. You need as much sugar in your system as you can get so you can make it through the time change on Sunday. Riboflavin, too. Without these two ingredients in your body, I cannot guarantee that you will make it through the time change without any side effects. I've seen a lot of strange things happen to people who didn't overload on sugar and riboflavin before the time change.

I'm only here for your safety. It's a tough job trying to keep the world safe, but it's what I do.

I'm off to watch the green ninjas battle the pink pirates.

Enjoy!

-DJ

baby: agent of s.h.e.i.l.d.

What a weekend! I hope you all had a wonderful time doing whatever it is you did done this weekend.

So, I come back this morning to find this link: (you might want to open it in a new window...there's more about it below)

http://www.mcphee.com/resources/april/items/stuntbaby.html

HA! Stunt Baby! How great is this invention? I know. I can see the genius behind these.

CIA: We need to surprise the enemy somehow...but what do we do that they won't expect?

FBI: Paratrooper babies.

CIA: Holy dirty diaper! That's genius!

FBI: I know.

Gotta love the FBI and all their wacky inventions. Ok...so do you still have that page open? Good. Now scroll down to see the different categories. Do you see it? In the second row? I'll wait....

Yes! They have a section for "Unicorns & Ninjas!" Who would ever combine those two thing? I mean, if I saw a ninja riding a unicorn, I would totally move out of the way, but I never expected them to work together. If those two groups combined forces, they could take over the world!

And I thought I came up with some weird ideas. This store has just become my new favorite place to shop.

I'm off to toss a baby into the air...let's hope his chute opens!

Enjoy!

-DJ

(ed. note - no babies were actually harmed during this blog entry)