tales from the candy crypt

It's time for Halloween!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is that enough of an exclamation? I hope it is! Since I'm such a nice guy, I decided to help all of those parents out there with children. I guess all parents would have children. You wouldn't technically be a parent unless there was a child. I think I mean parents of young children that are going out trick-or-treating tonight.

I know there are a lot of safety concerns and we don't want the little ghosts and goblins to get hurt, so I have some tips on what you should and shouldn't do tonight.

Now pay attention:

Unless your child is actually a REAL ninja, do not let them dress as a ninja in all black. It's good for them to blend into the night if they are actually fighting off samurais from the Neko clan, BUT if they are going out just to get candy, it's not too safe. Here's the solution: Buy a bright green ninja costume. This way they will stand out against darkness of night. If your green ninja wants to know why they are bright green, just tell them that they would blend in if they were in a huge, open, grass field on a cartoon. The grass on cartoons is usually bright and green. Therefore, we could not see your day-glow ninja.

Pirates are another great costume, but tend to be darker colors. Again, that is not safe at night. Instead, be a Pink Pirate! Pink is easy to see at night, and if you ask any pirate, they will tell you that they wish they could get away with wearing pink. It's true. Have you ever met a real pirate? I have. And they LOVE pink.

If you're going to be a pirate, do NOT bring a real sword around with you. I know it sounds like a great idea, but it's not. Once people start hearing about a real pirate around town, they will lock their doors. When that happens, there is no more candy to get. It's better to be nice to the candy-givers than to threaten them. You want them to keep giving you candy every year. If things get all stabby...well...they might not give you candy next year.

Finally, and this is the MOST important piece of advice you will ever get in your life, so put down your ipods and hoola hoops, kids, because I'm only going to say this once...EAT AS MUCH CANDY AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN AS SOON AS YOU GET HOME. You need as much sugar in your system as you can get so you can make it through the time change on Sunday. Riboflavin, too. Without these two ingredients in your body, I cannot guarantee that you will make it through the time change without any side effects. I've seen a lot of strange things happen to people who didn't overload on sugar and riboflavin before the time change.

I'm only here for your safety. It's a tough job trying to keep the world safe, but it's what I do.

I'm off to watch the green ninjas battle the pink pirates.

Enjoy!

-DJ