going to louisiana to purchase sugar

Happy Louisiana Purchase Day! We celebrate this day because Napoleon, without his lucrative sugar business, had no use for Louisiana.

I have no idea why the two are connected, but I never took World Economics of 1803 in college. It was offered. And I heard it was historical and fantastical, but I decided to take World Literature Before 1600.

That was a lot of reading. And nothing about sugar.

Sugar is good. Did you know how much sugar is in cookies?! I mean, I knew they had sugar. But it's a LOT! I decided to try baking cookies from scratch and they just casually tell you to put cup after cup after cup of sugar in there!

I love it! Napoleon would have been rich with all the sugar I was using!

It's actually quite tempting when you have a bowl of sugar and butter in front of you. It's probably the best breakfast ever. I did not taste it. But I wanted to.

I bet Napoleon ate that for breakfast when he sold Louisiana.

I once wrote a song about the Tennessee Valley Authority. Maybe I should write one about the Louisiana Purchase.

It's easier to rhyme words with Authority than Purchase, though.

"I went to Napoleon to make a purchase,

He said it was a perfect...murchase...burchase?"

I got nothing.

Maybe I should rhyme with sugar.

Like...BOOGER!

I like it!

I'm off to write a new song!

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

friendly shopping

I figured it out! Organic cereal!

I may have mentioned in the past that people will talk to me in public places. I'm pretty sure they don't know me because they don't mention my name or anything. They just start talking about stuff. I finally figured it out. It happens in supermarkets. More specifically, when I'm looking at cereal in the organic section.

I don't know why. It happened again this weekend. I was looking at cereal and a lady came up to me to ask me about which ones I liked. Then the conversation goes to other foods. Then it ends.

I guess I can't really be mad at people for talking to me. I just don't understand why it happens. I mean, they ask me about which cereals are good and I tell them I look for the ones with the highest organic sugar content.

I'm not looking for healthy or anything. I just support clean, sustainable farming...of sugar. I don't want to ruin the earth because if we do, we might not be able to grow more sugar. And without sugar, well...that's just something I don't want to think about.

OH! Have you seen those organic gummy bears! OH! EM! GEE! They are amazing!

So if you are going to start talking to me in the store, let's cut to the chase. We can talk about candy, but leave tea out of it (pun intended).

I'm off to get an organic sugar high.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

really? bacon again?

Do people really need everything to taste like bacon? Couldn't they have picked something yummy like cherries? Or sugar?

Mmmvelopes are envelopes that have a "bacon design" and when you lick the glue to seal the envelope, you get the taste of bacon in your mouth.

If I never wanted to use the mail again, I would buy these. Do people really like bacon THAT much?!

I did create "flavored glue" for envelopes for a science project once. I don't remember what I called them, but I put Kool-Aid onto the glue so you could taste grape when you licked it. They didn't really work. Maybe I should have made them bacon-flavored.

Perhaps I should make bacon bagels. And bacon coffee. And bacon gummy bears. Bacon is where the money is.

If money tasted like bacon, I bet more people would eat it. I wouldn't, so I would be the richest person in the world. Except, I would never carry money around because I don't want to smell like bacon. It's a Catch-22.

Don't ask me why.

I'm off to bring home the bacon.

Enjoy!

-DJ

won't you be my neighbor

I wanted to talk about my neighbors moving away. I wasn't sure what to say, but it seemed so significant that I should write about it.

I don't know why it's important. It's not like I ever TALKED to my neighbors. But I always wanted to. They lived below me in my apartment complex. They seemed really nice.

Of course, they might NOT have been nice, but I'm pretty sure they were. And possibly still are. Now I will never know, because I never went down to borrow a cup of sugar so I could bake a pie.

I'm afraid my dancing caused them to move. Sometimes my dancing is loud. So maybe they didn't want to talk to me either. Since I thumped around dancing. While baking a pie.

So, farewell people who live below me! Or, at least used to! I never actually knew your name even, though we were only separated by a few feet of floor.

I'm off to do the pie dance.

Enjoy!

-DJ

pork cake

At a wedding in England, the new couple decided that, instead of cake, they would have a 22-pound, four-tier cake/pie made out of pork.

I don't know what else to say. I now know that pork cake is cheaper than a traditional wedding cake. I also know that pork cake sounds disgusting.

Do you think they smooshed it into each other's faces? That's gross. Not just regular gross, but the kid of gross that only comes from people smearing pork products on their face.

In order to get that image out of our heads, I'm going to tell you a story.

On a sunshiny day, all the rainbows decided to come out and play. All the people in the land came out and danced on giant cakes made of sugar and frosting. Then, when everybody was done dancing on cake, we all jumped in the pools of pie! Pie-pools filled with sugary, fruit sweetness. Finally, the day was completed with movies about stuffed animals eating cupcakes and gummy bears.

The end.

Don't you feel better?

I'm off to buy normal, sugar-cake.

Enjoy!

-DJ

tales from the candy crypt

It's time for Halloween!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is that enough of an exclamation? I hope it is! Since I'm such a nice guy, I decided to help all of those parents out there with children. I guess all parents would have children. You wouldn't technically be a parent unless there was a child. I think I mean parents of young children that are going out trick-or-treating tonight.

I know there are a lot of safety concerns and we don't want the little ghosts and goblins to get hurt, so I have some tips on what you should and shouldn't do tonight.

Now pay attention:

Unless your child is actually a REAL ninja, do not let them dress as a ninja in all black. It's good for them to blend into the night if they are actually fighting off samurais from the Neko clan, BUT if they are going out just to get candy, it's not too safe. Here's the solution: Buy a bright green ninja costume. This way they will stand out against darkness of night. If your green ninja wants to know why they are bright green, just tell them that they would blend in if they were in a huge, open, grass field on a cartoon. The grass on cartoons is usually bright and green. Therefore, we could not see your day-glow ninja.

Pirates are another great costume, but tend to be darker colors. Again, that is not safe at night. Instead, be a Pink Pirate! Pink is easy to see at night, and if you ask any pirate, they will tell you that they wish they could get away with wearing pink. It's true. Have you ever met a real pirate? I have. And they LOVE pink.

If you're going to be a pirate, do NOT bring a real sword around with you. I know it sounds like a great idea, but it's not. Once people start hearing about a real pirate around town, they will lock their doors. When that happens, there is no more candy to get. It's better to be nice to the candy-givers than to threaten them. You want them to keep giving you candy every year. If things get all stabby...well...they might not give you candy next year.

Finally, and this is the MOST important piece of advice you will ever get in your life, so put down your ipods and hoola hoops, kids, because I'm only going to say this once...EAT AS MUCH CANDY AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN AS SOON AS YOU GET HOME. You need as much sugar in your system as you can get so you can make it through the time change on Sunday. Riboflavin, too. Without these two ingredients in your body, I cannot guarantee that you will make it through the time change without any side effects. I've seen a lot of strange things happen to people who didn't overload on sugar and riboflavin before the time change.

I'm only here for your safety. It's a tough job trying to keep the world safe, but it's what I do.

I'm off to watch the green ninjas battle the pink pirates.

Enjoy!

-DJ

labelman

I saw that the government has a new superhero. Yeah. They call him "Labelman!" That's how I know it's a boy. The "man" part. Labelman is here to save the day from obesity and indigestion by telling kids to read the Nutrition Facts on the food they eat.

Unfortunately, kids probably won't find Labelman because there is no advertising budget and if you do an internet search for Labelman, make sure you put in "FDA" or you won't find him. If you do find him, you'll see that the government also decided to save money by having an intercompany contest to actually create Labelman instead of hiring an advertising agency or even an artist.

There was probably a poster on the corkboard of the FDA's lunchroom that went something like this:

"Tired of the FBI and CIA getting all the attention? Want to be the envy of everyone at 5600 Fisher Lane? Want to win a jar full of JELLY BEANS? Well it's your chance to create a superhero who can fight the most evil villain in the world: OBESITY!

This will be the biggest thing to happen to the FDA since we were formed in 1906. Well, except maybe for that time when we got the power to stop people from selling radioactive beverages, but that was so long ago that it's not really important anymore.

Remember, you can win A WHOLE JAR OF JELLY BEANS!

Here's what you have to do:

Create a superhero to teach children about healthy eating,

Submit you drawings with your name and badge number,

Wait patiently for approval from the president,

Then, one of you will win JELLY BEANS!

Get to it you crazy, creative FDA maniacs!

Did we mention JELLY BEANS!"

I make fun of the FDA for a reason. Labelman is basically a rectangle with arms, legs and a face. On the body of said rectangle is a picture of the Nutrition Facts that you see on food. That's it. He's a Nutrition Facts label with human features. Oh, and his eyebrows float above his eyes. I don't know what they're attached to, but they seem work just fine. It also looks like he blinks upward. It's hard to explain, but his eyes are half closed with the bottom lids going up. I don't quite get it.

You're right. I shouldn't make fun of the person who made Labelman. I admit that if I were asked to make a character, it would have probably been a stick figure with a word bubble above its head that said, "Hey Kids! Don't eat junk! Eat healthy food!"

I also would have handed that in to the president in an attempt to win the jar full of jelly beans.

So remember, when the world is at risk from high sugar and saturated fat, Labelman will come and save the day with high fiber and protein.

I'm off to read my nutrition facts.

Enjoy!

-DJ