no tomatoes

Sarah Palin is going around the country to promote her new book. It's about The Flash's rogues gallery or something. I don't know. I didn't read it yet.

She was at Costco to promote her book and buy pens when she couldn't find any tomatoes. Well, I guess she didn't care about tomatoes, but other people did!

The store took away their tomato display because people threw tomatoes at her at another book signing. I guess they figured that without tomatoes, people wouldn't want to throw stuff at her.

Now, I'm not saying you should throw stuff at her, but if you really wanted to, Costco has a LOT of other squishy food. They still have grapes. Oranges. Lettuce. Pretzels. Office furniture.

I mean, did they think that hiding the tomatoes was the safest thing to do? What if I had family coming over and I wanted to make some tomato sauce? Should I tell my family, who cannot eat spaghetti without my personal tomato sauce, that they can't have it because Sarah Palin is in town?

I guess we're going to have to go without sauce this year. Maybe Sarah Palin should explain to my cousin, Tiny Tim, why there is no sauce.

My cousin, Tiny Tim, uses crutches like the guy on TV. He also has a kitten. The kitten also has to use crutches. And loves my tomato sauce.

I guess she doesn't care if she ruins my Christmas. Oh, wait...it's still Hanukkah. I mean, I guess she doesn't care if she ruins my Hanukkah.

I'm off to serve dry spaghetti.

Enjoy!

-DJ

unitree

I saw some reindeer on display the other night and I thought to myself, "Wouldn't it be cool if the reindeer were unicorns? Or unideer? Or reinicorns?"

It would be so easy! You can make it out of a small pine tree, too! Just glue it onto the head of your reindeer display. Then throw a few lights around the horn/little tree. Light it up and you've made Christmas even more magical!

I know what you're thinking, "Wouldn't they have a single antler sticking out the top of their head if they were reinicorns?"

No. That would just look awful. I don't know why you would even think that.

Don't worry, I have an idea for Hanukkah, too. You can have a Menoricorn. Just line up nine unicorns and put a wick in the horn of each one. DONE!

I should really sell this stuff. I could make millions.

Imagine having dinosaurs and unicorns over for the holidays. It just makes the whole season better!

I'm off to light up the reinicorn.

Enjoy!

-DJ

dino tree

Why aren't dinosaurs a regular part of Christmas? Or Hanukkah? Or any of the other winter holidays?

I think that they should be part of the festivities somehow. Maybe you can put a T-Rex on the top of the tree or something. Get a few of those big lawn displays of a brachiosaurus with a Santa cap on.

That would be awesome.

I wish I could decorate the skeletal structure of a stegosaurus instead of a tree.

OH! And Santa could have eight velociraptors! That would be hard core!

I think I'll write my senate representative.

Dear Senate,

Dinosaurs are cool.

xoxo,
Me

I'm off to work on my letter.

Enjoy!

-DJ

christmas cards

Ok, so how boring are christmas cards. I mean, it's nice to get them from friends, but they're SO SAPPY! Picture ones aren't TOO bad because they could have a fun picture from a friend, but they still usually say something boring about love and magic and family.

BOOOOOORING!

No offense to anybody who sent me a card. I appreciate being remembered by you and I know your options are limited. The secret greeting card industry has a meeting every year on top of old Smokey to discuss the sappiness of their christmas cards. Usually nobody shows up and they just go with what they got. Well, it is covered in snow, so it's not exactly the best place for a meeting.

This year I decided to spice them up a little bit. Which, after a few of those, I got tired of being spicy so I just said Merry Christmas or something. Eh, I'm lazy. Some folks did get strange messages about popcorn and the color purple and the fact that I want a SUPER AWESOME TRICERATOPS from Santa. See yesterday's blog for details.

Why can't they make cards fun? I know you can buy some with silly phrases on them, but those aren't silly enough for me. Why can't they say stuff like, "Eat lots of cookies when you visit your grandparents because Santa said cookies are good for you and Santa doesn't like to eat cookies alone."

Or, (Front) "The recipe for a good Christmas." (Inside) "Ask for a cookie jar, then fill it with cookies, then eat the cookies, then pass out, then wake up the next morning for presents."

How about this one if you're Jewish: The front just has a picture of a ninja. The inside says, "The Hanukkah Ninja will leave you presents, but ONLY if you remember to light the menorah. If you don't, the ninja will eat all your cookies. And probably do ninja things around your house...like hit stuff with his foot and sword."

Oh well. I guess I'll just deal with good will and all that jazz. OOOOOH! How about a card done in "scat".

(Front) How do you say "Happy Holidays" like a jazz scatter?

(Inside) Scoobie do wop bop bop a shibby dibby do wop pop pop doo doo.

You should hear me sing it. It totally sounds like I'm saying Happy Holidays.

I'm off to scattara dang a boodie doop.

Enjoy!

-DJ