i like it when it glitters

Republican candidate Mittens Romney has been going around talking about stuff lately. Sadly, he is not talking about kittens. I truly think that should be his political stance. He should just talk about kittens at every rally!

"Hello, my name is Mittens. I like Kittens. Thank you."

"WOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (that's the crowd reaction)

Well! Somebody went one step further to make his campaign even better! GLITTER!

Mittens was glitter bombed! How wonderful is that!

I like it when bombs glitter. Not like those blow uppy ones that hurt. Glitter bombs are much nicer. AND they go great with kittens and Mittens!

I think we could win every war EVER if we just glitter bomb people! Imagine the love!

Other country: "We are going to war you!"

Our country "Ok!"

POOOOOOM! GLITTER BOMB!

Other country: "We love you! And glitter! And kittens!"

Our country: "YAY!"

World problems? Solved.

I'm off to glitter my kitten and glitten my kitter.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

mittens, mittens everywhere

My faith in humanity has been restored!

I was driving to work with my mittens on. Then, the heat started working, so I took them off and put them on my lap.

THEN! I got to work, forget that they were on my lap and I guess they fell onto the ground.

When I got out of work, guess what I saw next to my car...

MY MITTENS!

Nobody stole them! How amazing is that?! I even had a car next to me. That person could have seen my mittens and just taken them and kept their hands warm forever.

But they didn't! Because they love me!

I'm sure they love you, too. I bet they wouldn't steal your mittens, either.

Mittens Romney probably gets mittens for free since that's his name.

Speaking of presidential names. Well, Mittens isn't president yet, but he's trying! Did you know the president of Nigeria has a fun name? It's Goodluck Jonathan!

I wish they would work together for a bill or law or something. Like, the "Goodluck Mittens Accord."

That would be the most ADORABLE accord ever! I LOVE IT! Maybe use a picture of a kitten on it!

Kittens wearing mittens are so cute. I'd say that's tied for 3rd on my "Most Cutest Things Ever" list.

I'm off to wear my mittens.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

flaming needles

In China, there is a clinic that will set you on fire to relax you. Well, they will wrap you in oil-soaked blankets and set THEM on fire. Supposedly, it will create "total relaxation."

They also do acupuncture with flaming needles.

Flaming Needles would be a good name for a dragon-owned sewing shop.

Nobody has been burned yet...when they are wrapped in blankets that are set on fire. Set. On. Fire.

I just wanted to make sure you understood what was happening.

I wouldn't suggest getting set on fire. Not fun. I WOULD suggest looking up pictures of kittens with lightsabers. Those are awesome. They do have pictures of other animals with lightsabers, but kittens are probably the coolest. And cutest...yet deadly.

I'm off to-HA! LOOK AT THAT KITTEN WITH A LIGHTSABER!

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

no tomatoes

Sarah Palin is going around the country to promote her new book. It's about The Flash's rogues gallery or something. I don't know. I didn't read it yet.

She was at Costco to promote her book and buy pens when she couldn't find any tomatoes. Well, I guess she didn't care about tomatoes, but other people did!

The store took away their tomato display because people threw tomatoes at her at another book signing. I guess they figured that without tomatoes, people wouldn't want to throw stuff at her.

Now, I'm not saying you should throw stuff at her, but if you really wanted to, Costco has a LOT of other squishy food. They still have grapes. Oranges. Lettuce. Pretzels. Office furniture.

I mean, did they think that hiding the tomatoes was the safest thing to do? What if I had family coming over and I wanted to make some tomato sauce? Should I tell my family, who cannot eat spaghetti without my personal tomato sauce, that they can't have it because Sarah Palin is in town?

I guess we're going to have to go without sauce this year. Maybe Sarah Palin should explain to my cousin, Tiny Tim, why there is no sauce.

My cousin, Tiny Tim, uses crutches like the guy on TV. He also has a kitten. The kitten also has to use crutches. And loves my tomato sauce.

I guess she doesn't care if she ruins my Christmas. Oh, wait...it's still Hanukkah. I mean, I guess she doesn't care if she ruins my Hanukkah.

I'm off to serve dry spaghetti.

Enjoy!

-DJ

that's sexy

President Obama said that "Insulation is sexy stuff." That's an exact quote. And now, I want insulation. I don't even know what to do with it, but if it's sexy, I want in!

This is a great way to get people excited about insulation. He should do this for other things. So, I'm going to write a few speeches for him.

Tax time: "Taxes are tasty. Like enjoying a fresh strawberry, covered in chocolate."

Health Care Bill: "Let's think of the public option as silk sheets. That's something you'd want to slide into, isn't it?"

Afghanistan: "I don't want to jump to the decision. It's like when you're looking at kittens and puppies. You can't just take home the first cute, fuzzy puffball that comes up to you. You have to find the perfect match."

I don't know why he didn't hire me earlier. We would probably have world peace by now. I would compare it to smooth, rich chocolate.

Don't you want chocolate? Then I guess you want world peace.

Problem solved.

I'm off to install insulation.

Enjoy!

-DJ

you won't see me here

Again, sometimes I don't quite understand other cultures. Then again, I don't understand most things that don't involve comic books, so I'm pretty clueless.

England had its annual "Tough Guy Race" a few days ago. Sound like fun? Did you know that you have to sign a death warrant before starting? I guess you have to say they won't be responsible...if you die...from this race.

I know what some people might say, "Well, you run the risk of death every time you get into your car." And they'd be right. BUT, I don't get into my car thinking, "I'm going to drive my car all crazy-like with hopes of risking death."

You have to run through a pond full of leeches, scale a 40ft tall wall, and even run over burning tires. How do you decide to do all that?!

"So, what do you want to do today?"

"Hmmm...How about we care for kittens at the local shelter?"

"OR! We could go run over burning tires!"

"Well slap my wrists and call me sprinkles! I'm all about that!"

"Really? I was just kidding. I'm all about the kittens."

"oh...yeah...me too. I love kittens. Like, way more than catching on fire."

So, if you're a tough guy or gal, you can go cover yourself with leeches and play with fire. I'll stick to fluffy bunnies.

I'm off to toughen up.

Enjoy!

-DJ

trigger unhappy

Our friends at Smith & Wesson are recalling some of their pistols. I imagine that one of the last things you would want recalled is a gun.

I mean, a recall on pillows for being too fluffy isn't too bad. Or a recall on kittens being too cute couldn't hurt anybody.

Why are they recalling these guns? Well, you don't even have to pull the trigger for them to shoot! That's right! You just hold the gun and it'll fire off randomly!

Actually, that sounds like progress to me. I mean, who wants to pull a trigger? That's so much work! What if I get a finger cramp? I don't want any injuries from pulling my gun trigger. It's like when people get tennis elbow. It hurts! I just want a gun to wave around and see what it hits.

Next, I want a remote control with stuck buttons. I'll just hold it up to the TV when I want things to change. If I like what I see, I can hide it under a pillow. Possible a pillow that is too fluffy. Unless I follow the recall.

I'm off to return my shirt for being too sleevey.

Enjoy!

-DJ