I always KNEW that the government had secret agents, but did you know that they have secret, SECRET agents?
Like a chupacabra? If you don't know, a chupa is kinda like a vampire, hyena-looking-ish creature that drinks the blood of goats. Most people thought they didn't exist, but they do. The government has them. Well, they WORK for the government, at least.
Obama put one in Arizona to "encourage" them to repeal the new immigration law. It's true! I read the news story online!
I'm pretty sure the government also has dinosaurs working for it. I saw a picture once of Obama riding a triceratops to work.
And Rahm Emanuel has a unicorn that he races with on the weekends. He doesn't ride the unicorn. They race each other. Rahm is very fast.
Oh, and there's an unconfirmed report that General Patraeus has an army of centaurs. Just in case they are needed...for something.
I thought this only happened in comic books! I didn't know it was real! (And it does happen in comic books. For related stories about "mythical" creatures working for the government, feel free to read the comic books "Proof" and "Perhapanauts.")
I'm off to race a unicorn.
Enjoy Everything.
-DJ
Showing posts with label Obama. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Obama. Show all posts
Friday, July 9, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
uncle obama
So the president, Barack Obama, just in case you didn't know, has been talking about health care and other blah, blah, blah.
For some reason, he mentioned a bookstore in the cleverly named Iowa City. Which is a city in Iowa. Near the Iowa River. At the base of the Iowa Mountain Range.
Okay, that last part is a lie, but seriously, Iowa City? That's how creative they got? Whatever. Just because it was 1839 doesn't mean they couldn't have looked up better names online. That's just lazy regional planning.
He went to this bookstore to buy some books. He bought two books for his daughters AND he bought a book for Robert Gibbs' son. Little Gibbs got a Star Wars pop-up book! NICE!
It looks like Robert is raising a little Star Wars geek. Now that's good parenting! And to have an uncle like Barack buy you books like that is pretty rad.
Pop-up books are awesome. They're like 3-D movies in book form. You don't even have to wear special glasses! Yoda just gets out of the book and is all "May the Force be with you" in your face!
I'm surprised Iowa City can handle that much awesomeness with such a lame name. I guess they can't be that bad. They are the "2nd best small metro area for business/careers," so that's something.
I'm off to pop up.
Enjoy Everything.
-DJ
For some reason, he mentioned a bookstore in the cleverly named Iowa City. Which is a city in Iowa. Near the Iowa River. At the base of the Iowa Mountain Range.
Okay, that last part is a lie, but seriously, Iowa City? That's how creative they got? Whatever. Just because it was 1839 doesn't mean they couldn't have looked up better names online. That's just lazy regional planning.
He went to this bookstore to buy some books. He bought two books for his daughters AND he bought a book for Robert Gibbs' son. Little Gibbs got a Star Wars pop-up book! NICE!
It looks like Robert is raising a little Star Wars geek. Now that's good parenting! And to have an uncle like Barack buy you books like that is pretty rad.
Pop-up books are awesome. They're like 3-D movies in book form. You don't even have to wear special glasses! Yoda just gets out of the book and is all "May the Force be with you" in your face!
I'm surprised Iowa City can handle that much awesomeness with such a lame name. I guess they can't be that bad. They are the "2nd best small metro area for business/careers," so that's something.
I'm off to pop up.
Enjoy Everything.
-DJ
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
that's sexy
President Obama said that "Insulation is sexy stuff." That's an exact quote. And now, I want insulation. I don't even know what to do with it, but if it's sexy, I want in!
This is a great way to get people excited about insulation. He should do this for other things. So, I'm going to write a few speeches for him.
Tax time: "Taxes are tasty. Like enjoying a fresh strawberry, covered in chocolate."
Health Care Bill: "Let's think of the public option as silk sheets. That's something you'd want to slide into, isn't it?"
Afghanistan: "I don't want to jump to the decision. It's like when you're looking at kittens and puppies. You can't just take home the first cute, fuzzy puffball that comes up to you. You have to find the perfect match."
I don't know why he didn't hire me earlier. We would probably have world peace by now. I would compare it to smooth, rich chocolate.
Don't you want chocolate? Then I guess you want world peace.
Problem solved.
I'm off to install insulation.
Enjoy!
-DJ
This is a great way to get people excited about insulation. He should do this for other things. So, I'm going to write a few speeches for him.
Tax time: "Taxes are tasty. Like enjoying a fresh strawberry, covered in chocolate."
Health Care Bill: "Let's think of the public option as silk sheets. That's something you'd want to slide into, isn't it?"
Afghanistan: "I don't want to jump to the decision. It's like when you're looking at kittens and puppies. You can't just take home the first cute, fuzzy puffball that comes up to you. You have to find the perfect match."
I don't know why he didn't hire me earlier. We would probably have world peace by now. I would compare it to smooth, rich chocolate.
Don't you want chocolate? Then I guess you want world peace.
Problem solved.
I'm off to install insulation.
Enjoy!
-DJ
Thursday, January 15, 2009
obama letter
Mr. Obama wrote a letter to his daughters. I know. He WROTE a letter. Shouldn't he have just texted something to them? I guess it's a little long for a text. Maybe an email. I don't know. Writing a letter seems so 1930. Oh well.
It's a sweet letter that the girls will read in 30 years and probably cry out of happiness. SO, not to be outdone by the president-elect, I have decided to write a letter to his daughters as well.
Dear Malia and Sasha,
What's up? How is it being to coolest kids in school? It must rock. I bet you laugh when the teacher asks you to draw your house. You probably have the coolest stuff for show and tell like Andrew Jackson's underwear or Taft's giant knickers. All the other kids are probably envious.
What's it like in the white house? Is there a game room? I bet it has Pac-Man. As soon as you move in, you should ask the chef there to make you an ice cream mountain. Climb to the top and eat your way down. Maybe have them mix gummy bears in it.
Is there a waterslide in there? There should be! Or maybe a fireman's pole! It could be in your dad's bedroom and when he slides down he changes into his Batman uniform. Then, from the Batcave, he can do cool stuff...like call Australia for a wallaby.
What I really want to know is if you have access to the treasury. I don't know if there is actually any money in there, but in my head it looks like Scrooge McDuck's vault and I want to go swimming in a pile of gold coins. If you could make that happen, I would be eternally grateful. I'll buy you a Hannah Montana T-shirt or something.
Let me know if we can make this happen.
Write back!
-DJ
Don't worry folks, I'll post pictures of me swimming in the gold. I'm sure they have cameras in there anyway. Maybe I can post a video on youtube.
I'm off to find a stamp!
Enjoy!
-DJ
It's a sweet letter that the girls will read in 30 years and probably cry out of happiness. SO, not to be outdone by the president-elect, I have decided to write a letter to his daughters as well.
Dear Malia and Sasha,
What's up? How is it being to coolest kids in school? It must rock. I bet you laugh when the teacher asks you to draw your house. You probably have the coolest stuff for show and tell like Andrew Jackson's underwear or Taft's giant knickers. All the other kids are probably envious.
What's it like in the white house? Is there a game room? I bet it has Pac-Man. As soon as you move in, you should ask the chef there to make you an ice cream mountain. Climb to the top and eat your way down. Maybe have them mix gummy bears in it.
Is there a waterslide in there? There should be! Or maybe a fireman's pole! It could be in your dad's bedroom and when he slides down he changes into his Batman uniform. Then, from the Batcave, he can do cool stuff...like call Australia for a wallaby.
What I really want to know is if you have access to the treasury. I don't know if there is actually any money in there, but in my head it looks like Scrooge McDuck's vault and I want to go swimming in a pile of gold coins. If you could make that happen, I would be eternally grateful. I'll buy you a Hannah Montana T-shirt or something.
Let me know if we can make this happen.
Write back!
-DJ
Don't worry folks, I'll post pictures of me swimming in the gold. I'm sure they have cameras in there anyway. Maybe I can post a video on youtube.
I'm off to find a stamp!
Enjoy!
-DJ
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
i communicate with ants
Ok, that's not entirely true, but I know people who can! They told me that ants love to chat about current political events. It's all "Obama this" and "McCain that" and "Who has the better economic philosophy to help us with the collapse of the subprime mortgage market and credit crunch?" Frankly, I find it a little boring.
Ready for the big news? We have a new member of the ant family! It's true! My ant-talker friend, we'll call him Scott (comic book reference), told me that they found a brand new ant! Yeah! Isn't that exciting!
It was roaming around some fungi in the Amazon rainforest looking for the latest issue of "Politics Today" when some scientists realized we haven't seen an ant like this before. How did they know? Well, can't you look at an ant and tell whether it's a Leptanillinae or an Aenictogiton? I thought you could. So can the scientists. They noticed this little ant was different from all the other ants out there and decided to do a DNA test.
Guess what? It's the father!
Ha! No, it's not the ant version of Maury. They actually found out that this was probably one of the oldest species of ant ever. Dating back 120 million years. That's one crazy old ant family. They might have been around for the first election ever. They may have voted for Washington himself! I know, that's a loooooong time ago. I wonder if they had TV then? Hmmmmm...
They call this new ant the "ant from mars" because it's green and travels in little flying saucers. You might wonder why we haven't seen them all around the world if they can fly anywhere they want. Well, the little saucers have VERY little gas tanks, so they can really only go about a meter before they have to fill up. Hey, to an ant, that's, like, around the world!
So, if you're a myrmecologist, then you probably know all about this and are already having a "we're excited because we haven't found a new species of ant since 1923" party, but if you're an ASPIRING myrmecologist and you didn't know about it, I'd suggest looking up real information about this new ant and not using this blog as science fact. It is in my head, but not always to real people.
I'm off to lift 50x my own weight...oh, wait...I mean 1/50th my own weight...yeah...that seems doable.
Enjoy!
-DJ
Ready for the big news? We have a new member of the ant family! It's true! My ant-talker friend, we'll call him Scott (comic book reference), told me that they found a brand new ant! Yeah! Isn't that exciting!
It was roaming around some fungi in the Amazon rainforest looking for the latest issue of "Politics Today" when some scientists realized we haven't seen an ant like this before. How did they know? Well, can't you look at an ant and tell whether it's a Leptanillinae or an Aenictogiton? I thought you could. So can the scientists. They noticed this little ant was different from all the other ants out there and decided to do a DNA test.
Guess what? It's the father!
Ha! No, it's not the ant version of Maury. They actually found out that this was probably one of the oldest species of ant ever. Dating back 120 million years. That's one crazy old ant family. They might have been around for the first election ever. They may have voted for Washington himself! I know, that's a loooooong time ago. I wonder if they had TV then? Hmmmmm...
They call this new ant the "ant from mars" because it's green and travels in little flying saucers. You might wonder why we haven't seen them all around the world if they can fly anywhere they want. Well, the little saucers have VERY little gas tanks, so they can really only go about a meter before they have to fill up. Hey, to an ant, that's, like, around the world!
So, if you're a myrmecologist, then you probably know all about this and are already having a "we're excited because we haven't found a new species of ant since 1923" party, but if you're an ASPIRING myrmecologist and you didn't know about it, I'd suggest looking up real information about this new ant and not using this blog as science fact. It is in my head, but not always to real people.
I'm off to lift 50x my own weight...oh, wait...I mean 1/50th my own weight...yeah...that seems doable.
Enjoy!
-DJ
Friday, August 22, 2008
things to remember
I don't talk about politics too often, but this was just so silly that I had to bring it up. I'm not taking any sides, but this was funny. Did you hear about John McCain's little "I forgot" moment? Yeah, he couldn't remember how many houses he had. Now this could have been said by any insanely rich person, but McCain said it first in front of the press, so he gets all the jokes.
I have heard of things like "baby brain" where a woman becomes forgetful after giving birth. I have decided that there is now something called "McCain brain" where you forget about huge, important things in your life. For example, how many houses you own. It just shows how far removed our candidates are from the average person. If I were to ask anybody I know how many houses they owned, I would get the answer of either zero or one (with a mortgage).
So, here are a few things that you should NEVER forget if you are running for president if you want to relate to the common person:
How many houses you own - if you can't remember this, you might be too rich
How many children you have - if you can't remember this, you probably have too many or aren't very good at parenting.
How many jobs you have - and we don't want cheesy answer from our candidates like "well, running for president feels like 5 extra jobs." No, because some people actually work 5 jobs, so you're not funny. We hate that. Just say you have one job. We don't care if you do it, but don't joke.
Why people can't tell that Clark Kent and Superman is the same person - as it was clearly explained many years ago, he changes his voice and vibrates his head ever-so-slightly so you can't clearly see that they are the same person. duh.
Now, here are some things that you can forget because we all forget these things:
How many grains of sand there are in the world - we will forgive you for not knowing that because nobody does
How many comic books you have - who can remember that? I'm sure you all have more than a thousand, so don't worry about keeping track.
What you named your kids - that's easy to forget, so it's ok if you don't remember them, but, as previously stated, you should at least know the number of kids you own. Who cares what their names are, it's not like we want to talk to them. And if we do we can just yell, "Hey! Kid of presidential candidate! Come here!" See? That works.
The fact that leeches secrete an anticoagulant called hirudin when they suck your blood - sure we all know that, but we don't expect you to remember it.
So, McCain, Obama and other candidates that nobody remembers, there are your tips for running a smooth campaign. I just don't want you to get caught with your pants down again. Well, if THAT actually happened, I'm sure you wouldn't be in the campaign anymore. And it would be pretty funny.
I'm off to run for president.
Enjoy!
-DJ
I have heard of things like "baby brain" where a woman becomes forgetful after giving birth. I have decided that there is now something called "McCain brain" where you forget about huge, important things in your life. For example, how many houses you own. It just shows how far removed our candidates are from the average person. If I were to ask anybody I know how many houses they owned, I would get the answer of either zero or one (with a mortgage).
So, here are a few things that you should NEVER forget if you are running for president if you want to relate to the common person:
How many houses you own - if you can't remember this, you might be too rich
How many children you have - if you can't remember this, you probably have too many or aren't very good at parenting.
How many jobs you have - and we don't want cheesy answer from our candidates like "well, running for president feels like 5 extra jobs." No, because some people actually work 5 jobs, so you're not funny. We hate that. Just say you have one job. We don't care if you do it, but don't joke.
Why people can't tell that Clark Kent and Superman is the same person - as it was clearly explained many years ago, he changes his voice and vibrates his head ever-so-slightly so you can't clearly see that they are the same person. duh.
Now, here are some things that you can forget because we all forget these things:
How many grains of sand there are in the world - we will forgive you for not knowing that because nobody does
How many comic books you have - who can remember that? I'm sure you all have more than a thousand, so don't worry about keeping track.
What you named your kids - that's easy to forget, so it's ok if you don't remember them, but, as previously stated, you should at least know the number of kids you own. Who cares what their names are, it's not like we want to talk to them. And if we do we can just yell, "Hey! Kid of presidential candidate! Come here!" See? That works.
The fact that leeches secrete an anticoagulant called hirudin when they suck your blood - sure we all know that, but we don't expect you to remember it.
So, McCain, Obama and other candidates that nobody remembers, there are your tips for running a smooth campaign. I just don't want you to get caught with your pants down again. Well, if THAT actually happened, I'm sure you wouldn't be in the campaign anymore. And it would be pretty funny.
I'm off to run for president.
Enjoy!
-DJ
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