insider and outsider trading

So there's talk around Congress about insider trading. I don't know much about the law and the government and kangaroos, but I know that they all exist.

Okay, I'm not 100% on that, but I'm about 67% sure.

According the folks in Congress, they could get insider stock tips so they could make some big monies. But, insider trading is illegal. Except for them.

Since the law DIDN'T say they COULDN'T do it, they figured it was okay.

And THAT is my kinda logic!

Since there is no actual proof that unicorns don't exist, clearly they do! And since there is no actual law specifically telling me that I, personally, cannot take all the money from a bank, clearly I can.

OH! There is also no law that says all comic book companies are supposed to NOT give me comic books free for life, therefore they should be giving me comic books, for free, for life!

Because that's how the law works!

According to congress.

That is why I'm going to start my political career today.

Vote for me. I want to do everything you can't.

Thank you.

I'm off to start a PAC.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

the lion and the unicorn

So I just found out that the Royal Coat of Arms of the United Kingdom is a lion and a unicorn.

Now if that's not a great idea for a sitcom, I don't know what is!

Imagine the two of them arguing over curtains! That would be hilarious.

Lion: "We REALLY need some new curtains!"

Unicorn: "Okay. What were you thinking."

Lion: "Well, I just saw the GREATEST pattern online that will go perfectly with our sofa. BUT, we might have to get a new rug."

Unicorn: "I really think we should go with a simple color. Like black."

Lion: "Seriously?! Black?! I may be a lion, but I am NOT an animal!"

Unicorn: "Sigh. Okay. Get whatever you like."

Lion: "YAY!"

Add some canned laughter and we gots a hit on Thursday nights!

And you thought comedy was dead.

I'm off to pitch the networks.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

genius comes in a cartoon

Animal Mechanical is a kiddie show that I just saw for the first time the other day. I had NO idea what this show was about, but I didn't care. It has the BEST CAST EVER!

First, they have a dinosaur.

Second, they have a unicorn.

THIRD! THEY ARE BOTH ROBOTS!

WHAT?! How come I never thought of this before! Three of the COOLEST things combined in one place for me!

And the unicorn can fly!

Holy magical excitement!

I can only imagine this writer pitching the show.

Writer: "So, I have this idea. Let's have a team of animals with a T-Rex and a unicorn."

Executive: "I like it so far. What else can you give me?"

Writer: "You might want to sit down for this part. They. Are. All. Robots."

Executive: "GALUMPUS! I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And thus, history was made.

I'm off to galumpus.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

shark week again

Shark Week is happening again. That's cool. People seem to like that. They've been doing it for over 20 years.

Sharks are cool. They have lots of teeth. Which is good if you like gum.

There should be a Unicorn Week! Now THAT would be cool! You could put me in a cage and drop me into Pink Fairyland so I could observe the unicorn in its natural habitat!

I know the dangers. Glitter storms. Lightning sand. Gummy swamps.

But it does not matter! I WILL succeed!

For Unicorn Week! And Beyond!

I'm off to pack my bags.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

secret agents

I always KNEW that the government had secret agents, but did you know that they have secret, SECRET agents?

Like a chupacabra? If you don't know, a chupa is kinda like a vampire, hyena-looking-ish creature that drinks the blood of goats. Most people thought they didn't exist, but they do. The government has them. Well, they WORK for the government, at least.

Obama put one in Arizona to "encourage" them to repeal the new immigration law. It's true! I read the news story online!

I'm pretty sure the government also has dinosaurs working for it. I saw a picture once of Obama riding a triceratops to work.

And Rahm Emanuel has a unicorn that he races with on the weekends. He doesn't ride the unicorn. They race each other. Rahm is very fast.

Oh, and there's an unconfirmed report that General Patraeus has an army of centaurs. Just in case they are needed...for something.

I thought this only happened in comic books! I didn't know it was real! (And it does happen in comic books. For related stories about "mythical" creatures working for the government, feel free to read the comic books "Proof" and "Perhapanauts.")

I'm off to race a unicorn.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

pork boarding

The National Pork Board in Portland, Oregon seems to have a problem with unicorns. The Pork Board is suing ThinkGeek (a great online store) because TG is saying that unicorns are "the new white meat." And "an excellent source or sparkles."

First of all, it's not funny to joke about eating unicorns. Second of all, there are sparkle supplements. I take one every day. Third of all, I believe pork is the OTHER white meat. Not "new" at all.

The Pork Board issued a cease-and-desist to ThinkGeek about the ad. THEN they said that unicorns don't exist.

Wow. That's bold. And a lie! Why would they say that? And if they are so sure that unicorns don't exist, why would they even issue a cease-and-desist? If it don't exist, no cease-and-desist!

That's my new motto. Which might become a t-shirt.

But we can't use that for unicorns. They do exist. So...we're kinda stuck. Or, the Pork Board is stuck. You can't have it both ways, Porkies!

I think I will ban all pork until they stop being stinky.

That'll show'em.

I'm off to take my sparkle supplement.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

more robots!

I want to go to Harvard University. Apparently, they got a LOT of stimulus money. Not to create new jobs, but to create new bees. Robot bees.

That's right! NINE MILLION DOLLARS to create robotic bees! I have no idea why they are creating robotic bees, but as you know, robots are cool. So, does it really matter?

I have a feeling that it is just another safety measure to the chance of a rogue robot groundhog, but I'm not sure. There is no word on the sort of weapons that the robot bees will have, but I'm guessing it will be stingers with nanobots. Of course, I'm no roboticist.

Harvard ALSO got $225,000 to study the horns of the narwhal. Now THAT'S a waste of money. I can already tell you what that is for.

Destroying evil wizards who attack unicorns. Or destroying any evil stuff. But mostly wizards because narwhals can't be hurt by magic. Or bullets.

So I guess some of the money is wasted. Oh, a school in Agawam got $25,000 for vertical blinds. I would say that's a waste of money, but vertical blinds can be helpful...WHEN YOU ARE IN A FIGHT AGAINST THE SUN! And they are the only thing known to harm a narwhal. So, there's that too.

I'm off to win a sun/narwhal battle.

Enjoy Everything

-DJ

unitree

I saw some reindeer on display the other night and I thought to myself, "Wouldn't it be cool if the reindeer were unicorns? Or unideer? Or reinicorns?"

It would be so easy! You can make it out of a small pine tree, too! Just glue it onto the head of your reindeer display. Then throw a few lights around the horn/little tree. Light it up and you've made Christmas even more magical!

I know what you're thinking, "Wouldn't they have a single antler sticking out the top of their head if they were reinicorns?"

No. That would just look awful. I don't know why you would even think that.

Don't worry, I have an idea for Hanukkah, too. You can have a Menoricorn. Just line up nine unicorns and put a wick in the horn of each one. DONE!

I should really sell this stuff. I could make millions.

Imagine having dinosaurs and unicorns over for the holidays. It just makes the whole season better!

I'm off to light up the reinicorn.

Enjoy!

-DJ

curses

There is a show on NBC called "Merlin" about a young Arthur in Camelot. One day Arthur shoots a unicorn and gives the horn to his dad as a gift. Then all the crops in Camelot die and the water turns into sand.

All because you're NOT SUPPOSED TO KILL A UNICORN! How did he not know that?! Did Arthur even go to school?!

I was cursed once. It wasn't really that bad of a curse, but they called it a curse. I was walking in the mall and the escalator wasn't working. A guy at the bottom said that I would be cursed if I walked up it. I did. And all my crops died. Which was fine because I was only growing basil with my Chia herb garden.

Then my water turned into sand. That was also cool because I had a sandbox in the bathroom.

The last curse was that I could only eat candy for 21 days and 21 nights. Clearly the curse-giver didn't really think about his cursing.

After riding a working escalator, I was found to be pure of heart and my water became water again. I grew many herbs with my Chia and I didn't have to eat candy. I did, but I didn't HAVE to.

Your lesson? Don't go to the mall. Weird people will curse you.

I'm off to shop online.

Enjoy!

-DJ

vacation 2009 part 3: numismatic

Where do coin collectors go when they want to get away? Aruba! That's right! They go to the Numismatic Museum in Aruba. Numismatists love the sun of Aruba and shiny coins.

The museum is cool, ESPECIALLY THE UNICORN COIN! I call it the "Unicoin". China made some coins with unicorns on them. Presidents are lame. Unicorns are cool. We should put a unicorn on the quarter. Maybe we should vote for a unicorn for president! I would get behind that campaign.

Besides the love of numismatists, Aruba has liquid fireworks. Liquid fireworks! Are they as cool as they sound? Yes they are!

Oddly enough, that segues into my next topic. Aloe. Aloe is huge in Aruba. They have it in everything. Soap, shampoo, clothing, inhalers, ostriches. You can even eat it! You must always remember to eat the right part, though. One part you can put in chocolate and it tastes great. The other part will clean you out.

And if you are getting cleaned out, remember to put the TP in the trash. You don't flush it down the toilet there. Every stall has a little waste basket for you. Just in case you wanted to know that. You probably didn't. I should probably delete that.

I'm off to numismatate!

Enjoy!

-DJ

hot sauce unicorn

Have you ever heard of sriracha? It's a type of hot sauce. It's pretty good with pho. Pho is a beef broth and noodle soup popular in Vietnam. Apparently, it's also good with just about everything else.

There's a guy who makes a sriracha called "Rooster Sauce" because there is a rooster on the bottle. This guy has become pretty darn popular. Due to his popularity, other folks have tried to market their sriracha in a similar fashion. Including "Unicorn Sauce." Not made from real unicorns.

Since unicorns are magical (and real), that must mean Unicorn Sauce will make all your food TASTE magical! AND different things will happen if you put it on different foods.

If you put some Unicorn Sauce into your tuna fish sandwich, then you will turn into a fish-person. It will only last for a little while, but it's cool if you ever wanted to swim in the olympics and win a bunch of medals. (I'm looking at you Phelps!)

Also, if you like your sriracha on pizza, then you will become a large turtle that is trained in the art of ninjitsu. That's probably my favorite one.

Or, if you would like shoot fire out of your eyes, you have to drink a whole bottle of Unicorn Sauce. This is only suggested for people in a battle with a giant frost monster. Otherwise, you will probably burn your furniture and your couch won't be very soft.

Another cool one happens if you eat it on leaves. You turn green and don't need to eat because you can now photosynthesize. Which is cool. Unless you do it at night.

There are others, but they aren't very fun, like if you put some in milk, you will turn into a cow. Not very exciting.

So go get some Unicorn Sauce and try it with different foods. I can't actually prove that any of these things will happen, but I believe they do, and in my imagination, everything is real.

I'm off to get a pizza and become a ninja turtle.

Enjoy!

-DJ

chips for breakfast

A lady in England has created potato chips that you can eat for breakfast! The chips are bacon, buttered toast, egg and tomato flavored. Now that sounds like a good breakfast!

I don't know if they have 9 essential vitamins and minerals, but if they do, they're probably just as healthy as most cereals!

I would like a cherry pie flavored chip. That would be yummy. Why not just get a cherry pie, you ask? Because it's kinda hard to eat a cherry pie while I'm driving, isn't it?!

Maybe they could have gummy bear flavored chips.

What would you like for a chip flavor? Blueberry? Snozzberry perhaps? Yellow-flavored?

I like chips. I also like pie. Rainbows and unicorns are good, too.

OOOOH! Rainbow and Unicorn flavored chips! I bet those would be awesome.

I'm off to buy some chips.

Enjoy!

-DJ

maybe i was wrong

Maybe it's Chile you want to visit. I guess it depends on your interests. Berlin for chessboxing, Chili if you want some subway entertainment.

I'm not quite sure how to describe this. Ummm...So this lady gets on the subway in Chile wearing a long black coat and high boots and then entertains the travelers using one of the poles that people usually hold onto.

Yeah...so she got arrested, but I think she got a good chunk of dollar bills to use for her bail before la Policia got her.

So I was thinking, how gross is that? Do you know how many people touch those poles? I don't like touching things. She apparently has no problem with that, like, at all.

On the other hand, I was thinking that it's probably a decent idea. I figure that there has to be some club or company that could sponsor a subway cab to have "entertainment" in it. That has to be a HUGE money maker.

Why aren't more things done on subways? Was it ever tried? It doesn't have to be adult entertainment, either. It could be as simple as a restaurant being able to serve appetizers in the "Ruby Tuesday's Cab" or something.

M&Ms could have a cab! People could dance around in m&m outfits and riders could buy m&ms from them! I just like thinking about large, dancing m&ms. hehehe...

Oh, and I could TOTALLY see Starbucks or Dunkin' doing that. The "Coffee Cab" would be HUGE! It would smell like coffee all day and if you were in a rush that morning, you could order your coffee right there on the subway. You like that idea, don't you? I thought you would.

I love it. They could have themed cabs, too. You could have one with trees and vines and make the jungle cab.

OOOOOOH! I know a GREAT theme for a cab! "6-year-old Girl Room!" It would be all pink and rainbows with unicorns! How awesome would that be! OH! Add m&ms to that room too!

I like these ideas. I should open up my own subway system. I'm confident that all of these ideas will work and I will be rich.

I hope nobody steals this idea.

I'm off to make millions!

Enjoy!

DJ

baby: agent of s.h.e.i.l.d.

What a weekend! I hope you all had a wonderful time doing whatever it is you did done this weekend.

So, I come back this morning to find this link: (you might want to open it in a new window...there's more about it below)

http://www.mcphee.com/resources/april/items/stuntbaby.html

HA! Stunt Baby! How great is this invention? I know. I can see the genius behind these.

CIA: We need to surprise the enemy somehow...but what do we do that they won't expect?

FBI: Paratrooper babies.

CIA: Holy dirty diaper! That's genius!

FBI: I know.

Gotta love the FBI and all their wacky inventions. Ok...so do you still have that page open? Good. Now scroll down to see the different categories. Do you see it? In the second row? I'll wait....

Yes! They have a section for "Unicorns & Ninjas!" Who would ever combine those two thing? I mean, if I saw a ninja riding a unicorn, I would totally move out of the way, but I never expected them to work together. If those two groups combined forces, they could take over the world!

And I thought I came up with some weird ideas. This store has just become my new favorite place to shop.

I'm off to toss a baby into the air...let's hope his chute opens!

Enjoy!

-DJ

(ed. note - no babies were actually harmed during this blog entry)