let me eat my house, thanks

Some place made a gingerbread house. Like, a real house. Out of gingerbread. The Great Wolf Lodge decided to make a 10x12 foot house out of gingerbread that fits 6 people around a table.

So, you can have dinner in a gingerbread house.

If possible, I would like to build a house, a car and a pyramid out of gingerbread.

Hopefully a witch won't kick me out while looking for Hansel and Gretel. Wait...so this old lady who eats kids lives in a gingerbread house, right?

Then, for some reason, we decide to celebrate the gingerbread house by making them around christmas.

So...uh...what are we celebrating again? Am I the only one who sees this?!

Forget it! I'm not going to make a gingerbread house EVER! Do you know why? Because I think children should eat, not be eaten! That's why!

You can build all the ginger breaded houses you want, but don't expect me to eat your shrine to the kid-cooking witch!

I will destroy your gingerbread house into smaller pieces and THEN eat it. Because that's the kind of decent human being I am!

No witch ever lived in a gingerbread wall. Or a gum drop bush. Or a candy cane support beam. NOPE! I only eat the shattered pieces of a witch's life.

And you should too.

I'm off to destroy some gingerbread.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

kosher dots for christmas

I got some Christmas Dots yesterday.  You remember Dots, right?  Those gum-drop things that taste SO good! 

The great thing about Dots is that they are Kosher. 

The GREATER thing about Dots is that they come out with fun holiday flavors.  Like the Christmas Dots that I just bought that are cherry, lime and vanilla!

The GREATEST thing about Dots is that they all taste the same!  No matter what flavor they say they are! 

I once had a manager at CVS who would have Tropical Dots and a Coke for lunch every day.  He would always sing some line from a Jimmy Buffett song.  "It's all about the water, don't ya know.  It's all about the water, the H20."  I have no idea why I remember that.  He was nice.

Still, you gotta love Dots.  Really.  YOU GOTTA!  Dots are always a go-to candy.  You can NEVER get sick of them.  NEVER. 

Dots are also sticky.  So they're great for making a funny face on the wall. 

I'm off to put Dots on stuff.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

no tomatoes

Sarah Palin is going around the country to promote her new book. It's about The Flash's rogues gallery or something. I don't know. I didn't read it yet.

She was at Costco to promote her book and buy pens when she couldn't find any tomatoes. Well, I guess she didn't care about tomatoes, but other people did!

The store took away their tomato display because people threw tomatoes at her at another book signing. I guess they figured that without tomatoes, people wouldn't want to throw stuff at her.

Now, I'm not saying you should throw stuff at her, but if you really wanted to, Costco has a LOT of other squishy food. They still have grapes. Oranges. Lettuce. Pretzels. Office furniture.

I mean, did they think that hiding the tomatoes was the safest thing to do? What if I had family coming over and I wanted to make some tomato sauce? Should I tell my family, who cannot eat spaghetti without my personal tomato sauce, that they can't have it because Sarah Palin is in town?

I guess we're going to have to go without sauce this year. Maybe Sarah Palin should explain to my cousin, Tiny Tim, why there is no sauce.

My cousin, Tiny Tim, uses crutches like the guy on TV. He also has a kitten. The kitten also has to use crutches. And loves my tomato sauce.

I guess she doesn't care if she ruins my Christmas. Oh, wait...it's still Hanukkah. I mean, I guess she doesn't care if she ruins my Hanukkah.

I'm off to serve dry spaghetti.

Enjoy!

-DJ

unitree

I saw some reindeer on display the other night and I thought to myself, "Wouldn't it be cool if the reindeer were unicorns? Or unideer? Or reinicorns?"

It would be so easy! You can make it out of a small pine tree, too! Just glue it onto the head of your reindeer display. Then throw a few lights around the horn/little tree. Light it up and you've made Christmas even more magical!

I know what you're thinking, "Wouldn't they have a single antler sticking out the top of their head if they were reinicorns?"

No. That would just look awful. I don't know why you would even think that.

Don't worry, I have an idea for Hanukkah, too. You can have a Menoricorn. Just line up nine unicorns and put a wick in the horn of each one. DONE!

I should really sell this stuff. I could make millions.

Imagine having dinosaurs and unicorns over for the holidays. It just makes the whole season better!

I'm off to light up the reinicorn.

Enjoy!

-DJ

dino tree

Why aren't dinosaurs a regular part of Christmas? Or Hanukkah? Or any of the other winter holidays?

I think that they should be part of the festivities somehow. Maybe you can put a T-Rex on the top of the tree or something. Get a few of those big lawn displays of a brachiosaurus with a Santa cap on.

That would be awesome.

I wish I could decorate the skeletal structure of a stegosaurus instead of a tree.

OH! And Santa could have eight velociraptors! That would be hard core!

I think I'll write my senate representative.

Dear Senate,

Dinosaurs are cool.

xoxo,
Me

I'm off to work on my letter.

Enjoy!

-DJ

recession eve

I wonder if Santa had to let go of some elves because of the bad economy. Do you think some elves are out there right now looking for a job? What kind of jobs would they go for? Clerical? IT?

"So, it says here that you have magic fingers. What does that mean?"

"Well, I can magically put together a toy train."

"Hmmm...yes...I see. But can those magic fingers help if we lose vital information on our network."

"Um...yes?"

"You're hired!"

YAY! It's a Christmas miracle!

Maybe the Keebler elves are looking for help.

"So what can you bring to this company?"

"Well, I'm a magical elf...so...there's that."

"Right. Can you make a sandwich cookie by putting chocolate in between two elf cookies?"

"Um...I can put together a doll...does that count?"

"Yeah...we don't really do that sort of thing here. How are you at customer service?"

"Um...I'm a magical elf?"

"We'll call you."

I guess that's not much of a miracle. Oh well. You win some, you lose some.

I'm off to see if the Lucky Charms guy needs an understudy.

Enjoy!

-DJ