are car bumpers unhappy?

I know how to drive an automobile. Or, as the kids call it, a horseless carriage. And sometimes, when the police are not patrolling, I am actually allowed to drive places!

It's a lot of fun. But I do it responsibly. Partly because I like safety. Mostly because I don't want to go to jail.

For the past few weeks, I've noticed something odd during my driving adventures.

Car bumpers.

YEP! They're everywhere! Just sitting there on the side of the road!

Now, I bet you're wondering "Why would car bumpers just abandon the rest of their car bodies?"

I have 37 theories. 26 involve ninjas. 5 require large red dragons. 3 rely on theoretical physics. And 2 need me in space.

There is one other theory, but it's just too crazy to even mention. But, just in case, if you see a dinosaur with stars instead of horns that knows how to recite Shakespeare and rides on a blue cloud, please tell me. That would totally confirm my last theory.

I'd love to hear your theories. But I'm sure I already thought of it. I mean, I do have 37 of them. That's kind of a lot.

I'm off to check my bumper for ninjas.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

the mug conspiracy

Hi. How are you. What's that? Oh my mug? With the dragon? Yeah. I know. It's totes awesome. No bigs. Just sippin' some tea.

How do you get one? Oh, you know...YOU JUST HAVE TO USE MAGIC TO ENSCORCEL A DRAGON AND TRAP IT'S SOUL IN A MUG! That's all.

Yes, I have an amazingly huge mug with a dragon on it. It's so sweet.

I have this mug problem, so when I find a large mug with a large bottom, I get excited.

See...I notice the "average" mug is pretty small. It's, like, just big enough for 8 oz. of liquid. So when it comes to STIRRING that liquid, it just splashes everywhere! I'm NOT a dainty stirererer! I like my beverages well mixed!

ALSO! Why do a lot of mugs get smaller at the bottom? Cups too! Do you drink coffee or tea or anything in a mug near an electronic device? Wouldn't you want a large-bottomed mug next to it so it would be harder to tip? Maybe even a weighted bottom! The mug might wobble, but it won't fall down!

So finding a big, large-bottomed mug is hard. But it can be done! So don't just take what the mug companies give you! Fight back and only buy big mugs and let your voice be heard!

Occupy Mugs! Larger mugs mean larger hugs!

Stand tall like a mug with me!

I can also fight back with my ensorcelling. Though, that usually only works on dragons.

Unless dragons control the mug industry! Now THAT would explain a lot!

I'm off to sip my mug.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

mark point bang

In my studies of worldly languages, I come across the exclamation point a lot. You've seen it. ! Right there. Did you miss it? Here it is again.

!

Cool, right? YES IT IS! Because it makes me shout more!

Since I am a scholar in punctuation marks, I learned that the exclamation point is also called an "exclamation mark" and a "bang."

Yep. You end it with a bang!

Did you know that? Have you ever heard it called that? I never have.

Did you also know that some royal wedding happened today? It was pretty much everywhere in the news. I thought the prince would have to slay a dragon, but I guess they don't do that anymore.

Which is good because not all dragons are bad. Only some should be slayed. Or slain. Slained?

Gotten ridded of...ed...ain...

Anyway, dragons are cool. I wish there was a dragon in the royal wedding. There were horses. Maybe one of them was actually a dragon in disguise.

Yeah, I'll go with that.

I'm off to !!!!!!!!!!!.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

car cover

Okay, so I understand car covers. I think they're a pretty good idea. It's probably good to protect your car from the sun. Especially a nice car. To keep that "fresh from the dealer" paint job.

And there's a guy at my apt. complex who covers his car before it snows so he can just peel that off and all the snow comes off with it. No brushing or scraping required! Great idea!

BUT! What I don't understand is a car cover in a parking garage. What does that do?

At work, I park in the garage. It's underground. There is NO sun. There is NO rain. There is NO snow.

What are you protecting your car from? Bird doo doo? Maybe. Birds do live down there.

Still, it shocks me every time I see it. Maybe they plan on leaving the car there for a long time and don't want it to get dusty. It has been there for two days already.

I think I'll get a car cover for my car. It'll have a cool design on it. Like a dragon. So when people park next to me, they'll know they parked next to a dragon.

OR! Make it a fire-breathing dragon! Then people won't park next to me because they'll be afraid of getting burned.

If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the parking garage! Sizzle!

Maybe they're afraid of dragon doo doo in their car. Dragons fly. And I bet they live in my parking garage too.

I'm off to cover my car.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

flaming needles

In China, there is a clinic that will set you on fire to relax you. Well, they will wrap you in oil-soaked blankets and set THEM on fire. Supposedly, it will create "total relaxation."

They also do acupuncture with flaming needles.

Flaming Needles would be a good name for a dragon-owned sewing shop.

Nobody has been burned yet...when they are wrapped in blankets that are set on fire. Set. On. Fire.

I just wanted to make sure you understood what was happening.

I wouldn't suggest getting set on fire. Not fun. I WOULD suggest looking up pictures of kittens with lightsabers. Those are awesome. They do have pictures of other animals with lightsabers, but kittens are probably the coolest. And cutest...yet deadly.

I'm off to-HA! LOOK AT THAT KITTEN WITH A LIGHTSABER!

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

road roof

I was driving in the rain and snow and had a great idea. I usually don't think my ideas are great, but this one is an exception.

We should build a pyramid roof over the highway. That way, we'll save the roads from getting ruined by snow and rain and asteroids. They will slide right off the roof!

Do you want some light? You can put some windows in them. Maybe put a few posters up of the latest hot musical act or something and now you have a little home away from home. That you drive under.

This would cost a lot of money, BUT think of all the money we'll save from not fixing the road all the time and not needing to plow them.

It will also give birds a safe place to stand. Maybe deer can climb up and over the roof so they don't get hit on the highway.

I can't think of one bad thing about the road roof. Unless you like looking at the sky when you drive. But you should really be paying attention to the road and not staring at a cloud that looks like a dragon because staring at the dragon won't save you from hitting a cop car in a speed trap. Trust me.

He did NOT see the dragon. He said it looked more like me getting arrested.

I keep telling him he's looking at the wrong part of the dashboard camera video. You can see the dragon. After I'm removed from the hood.

I'm off to do community service.

Enjoy!

-DJ

an open letter to spider-man

Hi again folks! It's good to be back on the blog today. I hope everybody enjoyed the weekend. It was a HUGE weekend of entertainment. Not only did my show, Grease, rock the house, BUT our main competition, The Dark Knight, became the biggest opening for a movie ever! Wow...I haven't seen Batman...yet. I hope I can get to it now that grease is over.

Since I did take last Thursday and Friday off, I had some time to kill and relax before my show. In that time, I decided to write a letter to Spider-Man. Yeah. I haven't written to him in a long time and I figured he missed me.

Okay...so it wasn't really to Spidey himself, but rather to the editor of the comic book, Steve Wacker. You don't really have to know what's going on in the comic book to understand the letter, but I thought I would copy the letter onto my blog so you can see what goes on in my strange little world of comic books. I wrote it after reading Amazing Spider-Man 565. There has been a lot of hype about the stories "Brand New Day" and "One More Day" that changed the whole spidey-world. Hopefully that is all the background you need. Here goes...



To: NY-Spideyoffice
Subject: ASM 565 okay to print

Hey Spidey-Folks,

I didn't know where to put the okay to print, so that's the subject. Is that cool?

It's been many, many years since I wrote into a comic book. My first printed letter was in Spidey a LONG time ago. I think what really made me feel like writing was the sign on the comic book store that said "Hey Adults! Comics!" That's so true...I am an adult now...sort of.

Anyway, everybody else is complaining/praising BND. I thought to myself, "I'm willing to bet everybody wants to hear my opinion too." Those are things I tell myself to feel important...ahem...so here are a few comments and questions I have.

First, I have to ask, when planning out One More Day, did you call it OMD all the time? And if so, did you make "If you leave" jokes often? I would have. And I would have thought they were funny every single time.

So far this letter makes about as much sense as a dragon on a skateboard. Sorry, I don't really have coherent thoughts. What I think I really wanted to say was that the past few years of Spidey were awesome. Then, OMD happened and it was a cop-out (is that hyphenated?). I don't mind cop-outs in comics. It happens all the time, but for some reason, this one just didn't seem to fit the character. BUT, I was hopeful. BND (do they sing "One Week"...oh no....that's BNL...sorry) seemed like it might work. It started a little slow and then Bob Gale wrote an issue. Wow. That was brilliant. Tell Bob he's my favorite. I was sadly disappointed with the rest of the brain trust. Which is weird because I liked most everything the rest of the guys have done in the past. I mean, I really liked Slott's She-Hulk. It was great. I don't know what happened. Sorry, Dan.

The art teams you've been getting on the book have been wonderful too. Kudos to the art team getter person.

So, that's it. I am going to give this new direction a year or so to see if things start to build. Right now it feels about as sporadic as my letter. Maybe I'm being lenient, but I grew up with Spidey and I'm just not ready to give up on him.

Oh, and Steve. Some readers don't like you as an editor. I do. I like fun editors in my comic books. A few years back I used to read X-Men and there were two guys I always liked. I can't remember their names, but they answered with blue and red text. That was fun too. So you keep up that good work and don't let those other kids make fun of you.

I think that's it. Did I say okay to print? I think I did. I'd check for spelling and grammatical errors, but really, it's not like anybody will read this.

Thanks!

-DJ
West Springfield

So there you go. Wanna know what he sent back? A picture of a (komodo) dragon on a skateboard. That Steve is a clever one.

Also, if you didn't know, Bob Gale was the guy who wrote Back to the Future and now he's one of the main writers on Spidey. Cool, right? I loved Back to the Future.

"Waitaminute...Doc...You built a time machine? Out of a DeLorean?" HA! Brilliant!

I'm off to look for a flux capacitor.

Enjoy!

-DJ