summer hike

I saw Santa the other day. He was hiking through West Springfield.

How did I know he was hiking? He had a large hiking stick. And he was wearing hiking clothes. I think he was hiking for car parts because he was standing in front of a car parts store. I don't know what Santa needs car parts for. Especially since he is such an avid hiker. Maybe he was doing some shopping for you.

I wanted to ask him for stuff, but I was in my car and didn't have a good spot to turn around. He was probably tired from hiking, anyway. Still, it would have been nice to get my requests in early. I know it might take a while to build a giant robot dinosaur, so I don't want him to feel rushed.

I also didn't have my list prepared. It's not like I was expecting him to hike through town in the summer.

Did you see him hiking the other day? Did you give him your list? Lucky. You're always prepared, aren't you. Fine. Maybe you'll get your giant robot dinosaur and I'll just get a dolphin.

Again.

You don't have to be such a showoff.

I'm off to get my list ready.

Enjoy!

-DJ

it all makes sense

It is often said that crazy people are just smart people that nobody else can understand. Well, keep that in mind when I tell you about this story.

A UFO researcher in Mexico has found out that you don't have to worry about being abducted. Apparently, aliens don't want humans anymore. They want whales and dolphins. And there's a good reason.

Aliens started global warming to make the ocean levels rise. This is good because they are creating dolphin/human hybrids who will be able to live on this flooded planet. I like to call them huphins. Or dolphans...wait...that sounds the same...

I guess they have all the human DNA that they need. Since I have been abducted, they probably have my DNA and I'm being made into a huphin right now. How cool is that? I know, you're jealous.

I wonder if I'll eat fish when I'm a huphin? I don't like fish now, but I might not have a choice. Will I be able to write my blog? Will I have hands or flippers? Can I type with flippers? Can you type with flippers?

If I do become a huphin, I think I will change my name to Sunshine and become the host of a TV show for kids. Or baby dolphins. I guess they call them calves. I will teach calves how to share their fish and not hit each other with their flipper-hands.

It will be very educational. Maybe I'll collect coins, too. Huphins like shiny things.

I'm off to find pants that will fit over a flipper.

Enjoy!

-DJ

he also talks to fish

That's right; I'm talking about the half-dolphin/half-man Michael Phelps. I actually saw some of his swimming spectacular on Friday night. He won for the 345th time this olympics and now has a house made out of gold medals. I bet you didn't know that gold medals keep you cool in the summer and warm in the winter. It's the perfect insulation.

I haven't talked about the olympics much because I haven't really been watching it. I don't really follow sports and the olympics aren't much different. I think what bothers me is that I see people succeed in something they are really good at...and I hate them for it. You can call it jealousy...and you'd probably be right.

I guess working hard at something for years makes you good at it, but really, who has that kind of time? I sure don't! I don't think you'll see me swimming in the olympics anytime soon. Unless they can mutate me with dolphin DNA. I think that is what they did to Phelps. They did all those tests for drugs and stuff and he's completely clean. Well, duh, he doesn't need anything because he's a dolphin mutant! They needed to test for that!

He might also be part bear. I say that because he eats, like, 500 pounds of food a day. How much food does a bear eat? That's right! 500 pounds a day! (I'm guessing, actually. I didn't really ask a bear how much it ate because the bear would have eaten me and I would have been a good chunk of its 500 pounds of food. I didn't want to be eaten.)

So, I wouldn't stand near Michael Phelps because he might eat you. I don't think he will, though. His trainers made sure to keep him on a no-human diet. BUT, just to be safe, keep at least 300 yards away. And, if he does come near you, just play dead. DO NOT jump into the water and try to swim away. His dolphin instincts will kick in and he will chase you.

He's kind of like a superhero. Except he hasn't saved the world for an alien threat. Heck, even I've done that. So...yeah! Take that Phelps! Now YOU can be jealous of ME! HA!

Ok...so whatever, he's way cooler than I am. I bet he can't play his nose like a harmonica. So there.

I'm off to work on my harmonica nose symphony.

Enjoy!

-DJ

the dolphin and the tiger

Here it is, your special "animal" edition of my blog. Animals are things that we humans like to look at, feed and sometimes they eat your head. I got to see a little bit everything.

First, let me tell you about the Gay Dolphin. This was not a dolphin that I met, but rather a place to shop. I don't know how long it has actually been around, but I imagine it's been there for a while. This is, as they claim, the largest gift shop in the east coast. I'm not sure where the boundaries of the east coast are, but I will agree this place is pretty big.

The sad thing is that they everything EXCEPT a bunch of stuff that actually says "The Gay Dolphin." This place was huge, and had stuff you would NEVER buy at a gift shop. Like a bird bath. It didn't even say Myrtle Beach. It was just a nice place for birds to shower. Why would I buy that at a gift shop? I can't fit that in my luggage and take it home...or could I? Hmm...

Anyway, wouldn't you want a coffee mug with a dolphin on it that said "The Gay Dolphin?" I think they're missing out on a HUGE market. Who cares about a fly swatter that says Myrtle Beach? I want a light blue t-shirt that says "The Gay Dolphin got me this sweet tee." Look me in the eyes. Now tell me that shirt wouldn't sell. You can't, can you? I thought not.

Now, if you're looking for some live-action dolphins, you can go into the ocean. That's what I did. After 5 seconds of training, I drove a jet ski into the ocean. I will tell you that you should not be allowed to drive a jet ski into the ocean without at least 10 minutes of training. It's really not safe, but at least I signed a waiver allowing my death. So, yeah...it's really my own fault.

You fly out there and sneak behind a shrimp boat. Then these dolphins will swim around you. It's actually kinda cool. They couldn't care less that you're there. They're probably just thinking that stupid humans are in the way of their shrimp-boat trailing. And possibly thinking about the Bose-Einstein condensate because that's fun to think about. I would suggest doing it...the going out into the ocean to see dolphins, not the condensate thing. And do it with a qualified jet skier. Not with me. Unless you like being scared and wetting your pants.

Finally, there is a place that has tigers. They also have a liger. You can get your picture with a baby tiger and a not-so-baby tiger. The baby is cute and cuddly and soft. The not-so-baby is hefty. The people there lift this tiger out of their cage and plop him on your lap. Then they take a picture. This thing is would eat my head if it didn't have a bottle of milk in its mouth. Thank goodness tigers love their nuks.

I'm off to condensate.

Enjoy!

-DJ

i'm not quite aquaman

I think women complain about swimsuit shopping a lot. Not to make a stereotype, but that's what I hear. I don't really know. I tend not to listen. Oh, not just when a woman is talking about shopping, but about most everything. I don't even listen to myself half the time. I don't even pay attention when I'm writing my blog. That's why, so far, this post is going nowhere.

So, I have to buy a swimsuit. I am not sure what to do about this. I haven't worn a swimsuit in at least 10 years. That means I probably haven't bought one for about 12 years.

I don't really go swimming. Unfortunately, I'm going on vacation and there will be a beach there. With water and stuff. I know I'll be going on some sort of water-riding machine to see dolphins. I may also have to get flip-flops of some kind. It seems that if I go in shorts and sneakers, I'll be wet and uncomfortable all day.

I have the same problem with oceans that I do with snow. It's cold and wet. I'm not a huge fan of cold and wet. What's worse in the summer is that I have to take my shirt off. Nobody wants to see that. It's not safe for the faint of heart.

Do they still make those swimsuits like they did in the 20's? You know what I mean? They're like overalls. The legs go down to the ankles and they have shoulder straps. I could get down in that. I'm sure other beach-folk would be happier if I wore one of those, too.

And don't even get me started on flip-flops. I wear sneakers. I'm a little scared to wear flip-flops. There's nothing keeping those things on my feet! They're just flippin and floppin around! I don't know how people wear them without falling over!

I'll let you know how it goes because I'm sure this is the most exciting thing you've read in years...yeah...

I'm off to find a swimsuit...wish me luck.

Enjoy!

-DJ