Friday, April 30, 2010

shock therapy

So I had to go to the hospital yesterday to get electrical shocks. It was cool. They put a taser-thing to my leg and made my muscles twitch! I couldn't even stop it!

Pretty cool, right? It's called an EMG. I don't really know what that stands for, but I THINK it stands for Everybody Must Giggle. I have no idea why an electromyography test is called an...OOOOOOOH! Now I see it.

The first guy shocked me. The second guy stuck needles into me. If you're looking for a good EMG, I know a guy.

Today is also Arbor Day. That has nothing to do with EMGs, but I thought it was worth mentioning. If you are going anywhere today, you should wish everybody a Happy Arbor Day. EVERYBODY. They will love you for your positive attitude towards trees.

I think, when I grow up, I want to be a tree. I wonder how much that pays?

OH! AND tomorrow is Free Comic Book Day. Go get them. As many as you can. They are free. And, without trees, we would have no comic books.

We live in a wonderful world.

I'm off to EMG.

Enjoy Everything.


Tuesday, April 27, 2010


Did you know that the post-it note turned 30 this month? Yeah. It was April of 1980 that the first post-it was stuck to a wall. Unfortunately, the post-it wasn't dated, so they weren't sure of the exact day, but it did say "Pay April's rent before the end of the month." So, we got that part right.

I love post-it notes. I pretty much owe them my life. I have notes everywhere reminding me of stuff. Like:

"Don't fall on swords."

"Lasers will probably go through skin. So don't play with them."

"You can't fly, so don't walk off cliffs."

I have them everywhere.

Did you know CNN also started in 1980? Also! The Supreme Court allowed patents for living organisms! I didn't even know that! Can I patent me?! Or some sort of new human/robot hybrid that I create?

I need to write that down on a post-it. Hold on...oh wait. I already have it.

"Human/robot hybrids will probably have laser eyes. Refer to laser post-it before pursuing."

Oh. Got it. Saved my life again.

I'm off to post-it.

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, April 26, 2010


Do doors always open in? I think I'm thinking of the main door to get into a house. It would be hard to judge doors that are already inside the house because who's to say what's in and what's out. It's all very existential.

But, if I were to go to your house (and I MIGHT just to test this out), would your front door open in? Are they all designed that way? Did they do that so you wouldn't hit the person knocking at your door?

I think I would like a door that swung out. People would never bother me because I would just toss the door open every time I had a visitor and knock them over.

What would be even better is if I put my front door at the edge of a cliff. I would always open the door and nobody would be there!

Don't worry, I'll have parachutes for people. I will have a sign on my front door (that opens out) that says "Please put on a parachute for your safety" with instructions on how to use it underneath.

Maybe I should just get a revolving door. Those are cool, too. They spin me right round.

I'm off to test the door.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, April 23, 2010

tree sale

I saw a tree for sale yesterday. I don't know how that works, but there was a "For Sale" sign posted on a tree in somebody's yard.

I guess they didn't need the tree anymore and thought somebody else could find a use for it. I don't know what the price was, but I did think about asking. Unfortunately, my apartment has low ceilings, so I don't really have anywhere to put a tree. I COULD lay it down sideways, but still, it probably wouldn't fit.

I think trees need a lot of room to grow. They like yards and stuff. And the roots need dirt and water. I would not be able to supply that.

I used a French Press for a while, but I don't anymore.

Sometimes I get new things and then lose interest in them. So, it's probably not a good idea to spend money on a new tree.

I'm off to see a man about a tree.

Enjoy Everything.


Thursday, April 22, 2010

gull island

Gull Island. Sounds cool, right? Maybe a good name for a TV show or something? If not, that's kinda the direction I'm going in, so just play along. Thanks.

The Department of Fish and Game in Boise, Idaho has a pelican problem. (say this next part VERY dramatically) A pelican problem that can only be taken care of by an elite force of professionals. Professionals brought together for one mission. To remove the pelicans.

Three badgers and two skunks are the members of their new strike force. They have to watch over Gull Island. Or die trying.

I guess the pelicans are hurting the trout population. And Boise knew just where to go. I call it "Team Stinky Badge!" Get it? Because they have skunks and badgers? I know. Funny.

Team Stinky Badge is going to take care of this problem using the latest in Pelican Elimination Stealth Technology. Or P.E.S.T.

And that's all I have for my new TV show. It's going to be pretty awesome. There will be a lot of fighting. And a lot of drama. Comedy, too. Maybe some romance. Probably a few ninja pelicans. You know, the usual stuff.

I'm off to Gull Island. Dun Dun!

Enjoy Everything.


Tuesday, April 20, 2010

plague pizza...yum

Locusts have come to Australia! And to help with the problem, pizza places have decided to add them as a topping on their pizzas! That is totally true.

It's good to know that when the ten plagues come to the modern world, the modern world fights back! The wars of the future will not be fought on the battlefield. NAY! They will be fought in the pizza place!

Frogs? Nice! Frog and locust pizza specials! Yes!

I know what you're thinking. Can you put darkness on a pizza? No. BUT! We have the warm glow of our computers! To order pizza online!

Boils? Whatevs. We have creams for that. And if we don't, I'm sure they can make a new pill that will be advertised on TV for you that will only have a few side-effects. Right after the pizza commercial.

I'm pretty sure there are some other plagues, but I can't remember what they are. And if I can't remember them, they don't exist anymore. Take that Egypt! Too bad you didn't have a brick oven back then!

Feh. Pyramids. What good are those?

I have no idea what I'm talking about.

I'm off to order a pizza.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, April 16, 2010

cinematic titanic

You HAVE to see this show!

I went out last night. Which is pretty shocking, since I never go out. BUT! This was for something awesome. The folks who created Mystery Science Theater 3000 are on tour with a live show.

If you don't know MST3K, then you might not know what I'm talking about. If you do not, watch it. Somehow. I'm sure it's on youtube or something. It was the bestest show EVER!

They would watch bad movies and make fun of them. Now they do a live show where they make fun of other bad movies. Last night they did Danger On Tiki Island. There was danger. And it was hilarious.

That's all I wanted to talk about today. I'm still laughing about it. I can't think about anything else.

I'm off to put a rock in a jar. (totally a reference to the show last night that NOBODY will get, but still makes me laugh!)

Enjoy Everything.


Thursday, April 15, 2010

exact change

Woah. And I mean WOAH! We're talkin' "Joey Lawrence level" woah. I went to the hypersupermarket (check yesterday's blog for details on THAT word) yesterday and had the coolest thing happen.

My bill was $30.00. To the PENNY!

When have you ever bought a whole bunch of stuff at the store and had an exact, zero-cent bill? Never! That was the first time it ever happened to somebody! EVER. And it happened to me!

I thought ribbons and balloons were going to fall down from the sky. They did not.

Nor did I get any sort of discount. Which probably would have messed up my exact number.

Yesterday was a good day.

Don't worry, it could still happen to you someday. It's not likely, but you never know.

I'm off to pay without change.

Enjoy Everything.


Wednesday, April 14, 2010

super market

I was thinking about going to the supermarket yesterday and was wondering how a market goes from a regular market to a supermarket? Does it require gamma rays or a radioactive spider? Maybe a childhood trauma that inspires it to train in hundreds of forms of self-defense? (i.e. The Hulk, Spider-Man and Batman, in case you didn't know)

It turns out, to put the super in market, the market just has to be bigger than a regular market. And have more stuff. How much bigger and how much more? I don't know. Just more.

I ALSO found out that there are HYPERMARKETS! Hypermarkets have even MORE stuff than supermarkets! A market can become hyper if it gets too much sugar and has an enormous amount of stuff!

I want to go to a hypermarket. I don't even know where to start looking for one, but if it's bigger than a supermarket, it can't be TOO hard to find, right?

When I grow up, I'm going to open a superhypermarket. It's going to be HUUUUUUGE!

I'm off to the market.

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, April 12, 2010

just bad manners

Do you like the sun? You better be careful. It might eat you. And nobody will help.

The sun ate a comet. That's what the headline says! "Comet Eaten By the Sun As Spacecraft Watches."

The event was recorded by the Solar and Heliospheric Observatory. It just sat there and watched. It didn't even try calling the science police. It recorded the comet's death and posted it on youtube.

Kinda scary to know that space is so cold and heartless.

We can't contact the comet's family because nobody even got its name. It was the first time scientists had ever seen it.

I bet if it were Haley's comet they would have tried to help.

Spacecrafts can be real jerks sometimes.

Don't let the sun eat you. That's your lesson for today.

I'm off to look for my lost comet.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, April 9, 2010

flaming needles

In China, there is a clinic that will set you on fire to relax you. Well, they will wrap you in oil-soaked blankets and set THEM on fire. Supposedly, it will create "total relaxation."

They also do acupuncture with flaming needles.

Flaming Needles would be a good name for a dragon-owned sewing shop.

Nobody has been burned yet...when they are wrapped in blankets that are set on fire. Set. On. Fire.

I just wanted to make sure you understood what was happening.

I wouldn't suggest getting set on fire. Not fun. I WOULD suggest looking up pictures of kittens with lightsabers. Those are awesome. They do have pictures of other animals with lightsabers, but kittens are probably the coolest. And cutest...yet deadly.


Enjoy Everything.


Tuesday, April 6, 2010

psssssst...or something

So, wait...I don't have to wash my hair? Psssssst (yes, there are 6 s's) is a product you buy. Have you heard of this stuff? It’s sort of a dry shampoo. You spray this powder in your hair to get rid of the oily feeling AND (according to some users) add volume.

Is this just in case you don't feel like showering? The "product description" does say that you can use it "on camping trips - after sports - when ill."

When ill?! Why would I want more volume when I'm ill! So I can look pretty while I'm dazed out on Nyquil?! ( I do like looking pretty, though. So I guess I wouldn't mind that.)

Doctor: "So how are you feeling?"

Me: "Murble crzlbip schlup..."

Doctor: "Sounds like you have a case of Penguin Fluitis."

Me: "Scuftleschple."

Doctor: "You just need to relax for a few days. But don't worry. You're hair looks great!"

Me: "Wow! I feel better already! Thanks doc!"

And then we dance an Irish Jig. Because that's what doctors love to do after they heal you.

Maybe not my doctor, but your doctor does.

I'm off to powder my hair.

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, April 5, 2010

monday things

It's Monday and I've learned a few things. The ipad has been released to the public and don't know...the platypus is venomous.

So, theoretically, if you had an ipad that I wanted to take from you, I could attack you with a platypus. Or a swan. Swans are pretty violent.

Not that I'm going to steal your ipad. I don't want one. Not yet, at least. Not until is does cooler stuff. Like fight crime. Or can transport me from place to place like in Star Trek. Or can be used as a floatation device.

I haven't seen those apps yet.

Until then, you can use your ipad and not worry about my maniacal menagerie attacking you.

Also, Perry the Platypus from Phineas and Ferb is totally awesome.

Some days I don't make today.

I'm off to be semi-aquatic.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, April 2, 2010

the whip city

I was thinking about Whip City yesterday. Westfield is Whip City, for those who don't know. That's in Massachusetts, for you out-of-state readers. Mass is in the United States, for you international readers. My blog is huge in Thailand. HUGE!

Anyway, Whip City is actually a cooler name than Westfield. They should have used that name instead. Who wouldn't want to live in Whip City?

I would like to live in Sword City. Or Ninja City! I don't know where those are, but I should find them!

I should become president so I can change the names of cities. They're so boring. Southwick. What does that even mean? The bottom of a candle?! How about Super City!

Springfield could be Awesome City! West Springfield could become Sword City!

The exclamation point is actually part of the name. I'm not just yelling a lot. And they are not factorials. It's just there to add pizzazz.

Awesome City!, MA

Ninja City!, MA

Whip City!, MA

Get it? Cool. Got any cool names for cities?

Next time we'll rename the states. Especially Utah. They should have named it Wha-Bam!

I'm off to run for president.

Enjoy Everything.


Thursday, April 1, 2010

popcorn price wars

Israel has a government that knows how to fight for the people. The people who want to see a movie! And the people who want to enjoy a popcorn with that movie!

A politician named Carmel Shama (which is probably the tastiest name I've ever heard!) wants to make a new law that says movie theaters in Israel cannot charge more than $5 for a large popcorn.

That might sound cheap to us, but Carmel saw what happened in the U.S. and wants to keep popcorn prices under control before things get too crazy.

Carmel's ideas might seem trivial to someone who's more concerned with offshore drilling, but without cheap popcorn, how are we going to see a movie about offshore drilling? We're not.

And without that movie, we'll never know what actually happens to offshore drillers. Or who fell in love over offshore drilling. Or what kind of explosions offshore drilling can create. Or what happens when everybody on an offshore drilling site can disappear and you're the only person left...except for the mysterious drill monster!

Point and match. Carmel just saved your life.

I'm off to butter my popcorn.

Enjoy Everything.