Tuesday, June 30, 2009

exciting day!

I'm sure I could talk about something newsworthy like people going to ponzi prison or something, but I found out the GREATEST news! It has me as excited as an otter on laundry day! And everybody knows that otters love clean laundry!

Do you remember that show "Parker Lewis Can't Lose"? I loved that show. If you don't know the show, you now have a chance to enjoy its awesomeness because it is finally out on DVD. I'm going to buy it immediately. I may have to ponze off some comic books so I can afford it, but it'll be worth it.

Bernard should star in a show called "Ponzi Madoff Can Lose". HA! That's funny. That's almost as funny as my other joke.

Oh, my other joke has to do with baked goods. I swear I've told it to hundreds of people and it makes me laugh every time. It doesn't make them laugh every time, but I don't care. I'm convinced that I'm funny. I can't help it if you don't get the joke.

Someday the world will understand my genius. Everybody will have to be heavily medicated and drowsy, but that day will come.

I'm off to order DVDs from Amazon.



Monday, June 29, 2009

weather or not

It's always fun to talk about the weather. It's even more fun when the weather has gone completely crazy. Around here, the forecast has been cloudy with a chance of showers and thunderstorms. It hasn't changed in weeks. The strange thing is that the sun has come out. Many times. On "cloudy" days. Not a cloud in the sky.

So what's the deal? Are the clouds saying they are coming out the play and they abandon the sun? That's not cool.

Sun to Clouds: Hey! You comin out to play today?

Clouds: Sure we are!

Sun: Sweet! I'll see you later! We'll have a blast!

Cloud 1 to Cloud 2: Let's ditch Sun.

Cloud 2: Yeah. Sun is lame. Sun thinks it's soooo hot. I'm done with Sun.

(8 hours later....)

Sun: I guess the Clouds didn't want to come and play. Fine! See if I care! I'm just going to set and never come out again! See if you like that! I hate you!

The sun can be pretty dramatic at times. Still, those clouds better watch out. I've seen the sun wield two scoops of raisins before. I was hit by two scoops of raisins once. I still have the bruises. And my fibula has never been the same. So, don't make fun of the sun. Just have fun in the sun.

I'm off to check the weather.



Friday, June 26, 2009

what big ears you have

Did you hear the news? If you didn't, maybe your fish did. Fish are getting bigger ears. For some reason that scientists can’t figure out, the more carbon dioxide in the water the larger a fish's ear grows.

So, how is this useful? I don't know. I now know that a fish ear is inside of their body and that they use it for balance. So, with bigger ears, maybe they can balance better. The fish of the future will be really good at gymnastics. Hopefully they will be allowed into the olympics.

Another unconfirmed scientific study (from actual scientists) is that fish in carbon dioxide water are more lethargic. So, I guess they won't be in the olympics.

Finally, in a study I just made up (NOT from actual scientists) we found out that fish will ride camels when exposed to high levels of heavy metal. I don't know how they figured this one out, but it's just amazing.

Unfortunately, the fish are so lethargic, that we can't prove it. And the loud music hurts their newly enlarged ears.

They now enjoy the pan flute and yoga. It's relaxing and they don't get headaches.

I'm off to listen to my Zamfir albums.



Thursday, June 25, 2009

which way did he go

There are only two kinds of people who hike on the Appalachian Trail. Crazy people and physicists. And really, the line between those two is pretty thin.

For those of you who don't know, my brother is a physicist. And he doesn't read my blog because he's too busy playing with Rubidium trying to get Rydberg molecules or something. Clearly he's missing out on a great read. I think HIS electron is far from the nucleus! Hehe. (that joke might be funny to a physicist reading this paragraph)

BUT, Governors do NOT hike the Appalachian Trail. So, if there is ever a missing governor, do NOT look for him on the trail. He will not be there. They may have done it when they were younger and crazy, but not while they are governors. So, using the trail as an excuse for disappearing is about as solid as a radioactive element.

Today's lesson is that if you need to disappear to Argentina, come up with something better. Unless you're crazy or a physicist. Then you can disappear. Nobody will really question it. They'll just think it's one of your quirks. Or, if you're a physicist, one of your quarks. HA! Oh...that one WAS funny. Seriously. Physicists are on the floor crying because they are laughing so hard.

I'm so funny to so few.

I'm off to work on my physical comedy.



Wednesday, June 24, 2009

what are you?

If you are on facebook, then you have probably seen or taken a "What ____ are you?" quiz. Or perhaps a "How Well Do You Know ______?" quiz. I don't quite understand these, but then again, I didn't understand them when they were email chain letters or myspace bulletins, so I guess nothing has really changed except that now they are posted on your wall.

I CAN tell you that I'm the color green because I'm closely related to the spruce tree. Unfortunately, I don't know Spruce very well. I thought that Spruce's favorite movie was Sleepless in Seattle. I guess it was Castaway. At least I know that Spruce's favorite actor is Tom Hanks.

So, to jump on the bandwagon of facebook quizzes, I have decided to make one up. You can do it and post it on your wall and show all your friends what you are. Ready?

What kind of organism are you?

Question 1. Are you breathing on a regular basis?

If you answered yes, then you are a living organism! You could actually take this quiz! Maybe even get up and do other stuff! You have the ability to use your fingers to type stuff! You may actually be typing right now! You might even have the power of walking, drawing, eating and a whole bunch of other things! Enjoy your livingness!

If you answered no, then we're not entirely sure how you answered because you're dead. I mean, you have to breathe to live. Sure you can hold your breath for a few minutes, but you can't just stop breathing. So, yeah. Let's just hope you answered yes.

And the quiz is over. Wasn't that fun?! I bet it was! I answered yes and this quiz was so right about me. I am typing right now. I remember walking once. I can draw stuff. I've even eaten things! I guess these quizzes ARE scientific!

Wow! What a great day to be a living organism!

I'm off to find out more about my livingness!



Monday, June 22, 2009

where we're going, washing machines don't need clothes

I am not making this story up. Seriously, this time, I'm totally telling the truth. There is a washing machine that can travel through time. They call it a Kelvinator.

This guy is selling his old 1980's Kelvinator washing machine online. He says that it shakes so violently that it can open windows into other dimensions. One time, he saw a land of dinosaurs. Above his washing machine. While his whites were getting whiter and his brights were getting brighter.

Ok, so I can't confirm the whiter/brighter part, but I do believe that he looked into another dimension. Or possibly the past!

Back when washing machines shook a lot more, people would lose their left sock all the time. Remember those days? Well, this explains it! Washing machines can open time warps! Warps that are just big enough for a left sock to go through!

Why do you think kids fall asleep on the washing machine? Because while it is running, your baby is replaced by your other-dimensional baby who is already asleep! It makes perfect sense!

Unfortunately, they don't make washing machines with plutonium and flux capacitors anymore. Something about it being unsafe for kids.

So, if you want to do your laundry AND get a pet dinosaur, this might be the machine for you. Otherwise, you can just watch your clothes spin around. I guess that's cool too.

Not as cool as a dinosaur, though.

I'm off to get my washing machine up to 88 spins per second.



Friday, June 19, 2009

vacation 2009 part 5: that beautiful hair

In continuation of yesterday's blog with the flight delay, we missed our connecting flight in Charlotte. The airline did give us a voucher to stay at a hotel, which was nice. Unfortunately, they don't give you your luggage back. Luckily I had some clothes in my carry-on. Nothing else, though.

We then had to get a shuttle to the hotel. Now here's a lesson to all you airport shuttle drivers: don't talk about airplane tragedies with your passengers who had a delayed flight from Aruba. Our driver, who was very friendly, asked what happened and we told him about the delay. He then started talking about the French plane that went down. In a very friendly way.

Then he started talking about the plane that landed in the Hudson. In a very friendly way.

Finally, he started talking about Natalie Holloway. Of course, in a very friendly way.

After the horror stories, we got to the hotel and the nice man at the counter gave us tiny toothbrushes and packets of toothpaste so we could brush our teeth. My toothbrush was in my luggage. Which was being held hostage.

The next day, I was on my way home to Boston! Yay! To make the day even better, I saw a man with the most beautiful head of hair. Think "Uncle Jesse" from Full House, except fluffier and blonde. It was glorious. He was a pilot on another plane. I wanted to ask him if I could touch it, but I got scared. Just seeing it was enough, though.

And that is my trip. Beautiful hair and all.

I'm off to fluff my hair.



Thursday, June 18, 2009

vacation 2009 part 4: horses

I'm almost done with these vacation stories, so if you're bored of them, it's almost over. The action really starts to pick up here, though!

On the last day, we got to the airport and found out our flight was delayed a few hours. That caused us to miss our connecting flight in Charlotte. I'll get to that later, though. First, I had to go through customs. Where they were adamant that I rode a horse.

TSA: "Did you ride a horse at all?

Me: "No."

TSA: "Do you have anything to declare?"

Me: "I declare that I am awesome."

TSA: "Okay. And did your awesomeness ride a horse?"

Me: "Uh...no."

TSA: "No food or anything?"

Me: "Nope."

TSA: "Finally, are you going to the USA and did you ride a horse?"

Me: "I am going to the USA and I did not ride a horse."

TSA: "You're free to go. Perhaps you will ride a horse to the gate?"

Me: "I will walk to the gate."

TSA: "Have a great horse-riding day!"

Me: "I don't ride horses!"

After riding a horse to my gate, I decided to do a little shopping at the Duty Free stores. They must have known I was coming because they had a HUGE cheese wheel for my plane trip. What can I say? I get hungry when I'm flying!

I can't imagine somebody buying a giant chunk of cheese for a flight home. It was the size of my head. They also had smoked meat. Can you imagine being on a 4-hour flight and somebody whips out a cheese wheel and meat?

At least they give you enough to share with everybody on the plane.

Be here tomorrow for the hair episode. It's a good one.

I'm off to ride my horse into the sunset and hanker for a hunk of cheese.



Wednesday, June 17, 2009

vacation 2009 part 3: numismatic

Where do coin collectors go when they want to get away? Aruba! That's right! They go to the Numismatic Museum in Aruba. Numismatists love the sun of Aruba and shiny coins.

The museum is cool, ESPECIALLY THE UNICORN COIN! I call it the "Unicoin". China made some coins with unicorns on them. Presidents are lame. Unicorns are cool. We should put a unicorn on the quarter. Maybe we should vote for a unicorn for president! I would get behind that campaign.

Besides the love of numismatists, Aruba has liquid fireworks. Liquid fireworks! Are they as cool as they sound? Yes they are!

Oddly enough, that segues into my next topic. Aloe. Aloe is huge in Aruba. They have it in everything. Soap, shampoo, clothing, inhalers, ostriches. You can even eat it! You must always remember to eat the right part, though. One part you can put in chocolate and it tastes great. The other part will clean you out.

And if you are getting cleaned out, remember to put the TP in the trash. You don't flush it down the toilet there. Every stall has a little waste basket for you. Just in case you wanted to know that. You probably didn't. I should probably delete that.

I'm off to numismatate!



Tuesday, June 16, 2009

vacation 2009 part 2: red flavor

The people in Aruba are very trusting. I know this because they let me drive there. They have these jeep tours over the desert and rocky areas and they let YOU drive the jeep. One guy leads in his jeep and the other jeeps follow him, with the tourists as the drivers.

Does this seem like a bad idea to anybody else? They didn't even check if I had a license. And who's to say my USA license is valid in Aruba? Aruba is NOT a territory of the USA and I'm barely allowed to drive here. I can't legally drive in twenty states...and half of Iowa for an incident involving pancake mix and a tree.

Other than blind trust, the driving was really fun! It was bumpy and dusty and windy and really cool. You should do it. Part of my jeep fell off, but we fixed it, so I'm sure you can handle it.

I also found out that there is a lot of soda sold in Aruba that you can't get here. Like Big Red Fanta. I asked the lady at the counter what flavor Big Red is and she could not answer me. Liking the color red, I decided to try it. It is, in fact, red flavored. You may not think red is a flavor, but it turns out that it is. And adding big flavor to red flavor?! Amazing! I hope you can find it sometime.

I also enjoyed cherry, banana and pineapple soda. Also good. It's like carbonated fruit. That actually sounds really yummy. Can science do that yet? If not, I'm going to work on it.

I'm off to plant a carbonated apple tree.



Monday, June 15, 2009

vacation part 1: back

So, I'm back from vacation. And, as is tradition, I will blog about it so I don't have to actually look for news stories to talk about. Because I'm lazy.

It was Aruba this year. The bad thing about Aruba is that it's always sunny. I tried to stay away from the sun as much as possible, but it kept following me. It was like a hot stalker. And not hot in a good way.

I tried to go underwater so the sun couldn't find me, but there is only so much air in a submarine. I did find out that the color red doesn't make it too far underwater and your lips turn grey. It's pretty cool. And you look dead, so for all you Twilight fans, get in a submarine and you'll look like a vampire too!

I also got a dive certificate that tells me that I am an OFFICIAL "Atlantis Submariner"! It is signed by the Manager of Submarine Operations. That means it's official. I'm going to ask the Navy to borrow one of their subs this weekend. I'm clearly qualified to operate an underwater vehicle. I have a certificate. With my name on it. I had to write my name in, but it still counts.

I'll keep it short today because I still have about 3 days worth of work to catch up on, but I will leave you with one more tidbit of information.

Popular songs like Bailamos sound great on steel drums. I was hoping for a little steel drum Journey, but sadly, steel drums don't have Steve Perry's vocal range.

I'm off to the Navy for my sub.



Friday, June 5, 2009

vacation 2009

It's vacation time again. Which means I won't get to blog with you for about a week. And that is sad. Well, for me. You might be excited about it. All three of you wonderful readers.

So, what do I do when I don't have a blog to write down all these random ideas that I have? I usually make towers out of silverware at restaurants. Yep. For some reason that is relaxing to me. Unless I have a pen and a napkin, then I might draw pictures of unicorns jumping over the sun.

I like going on planes. I don't like the popping ears thing, but flying is fun. And no, it's not because unicorns fly. I like to fly because Superman can fly. So, for a few hours I'm kinda like Superman. Even though the flight attendants hate it when I get on my stomach in the aisle and put my hands above my head and pretend I am flying.

I just crush one of their plastic cups and yell, "LOOK AT THE STRENGTH I HAVE!"

That usually means I don't get a free soda, but it's totally worth it to show off my muscles.

I'll see you in week!

I'm off to pack my comic books.



Wednesday, June 3, 2009


There is a Cloud Appreciation Society. It is real. I know it sounds like something I might make up for a joke, but it's totally true. They love clouds. They love looking at clouds. Writing about clouds. Singing songs about clouds. All sorts of cloud stuff.

They also want the world to recognize a brand new cloud. It's some cloud that isn't classified yet and they want cloudologists to give it the respect it deserves. They want to call it an Asperatus. I know it sounds like a vegetable, but it is cloud. It might have fiber and Vitamin A, but I'm not sure. I haven't eaten a cloud. Or a vegetable.

As you may have heard (or read a few seconds ago) that the Cloud Appreciation Society writes songs about clouds. They have inspired me to write a song about clouds as well. I call it "Ain't Too Cloud To Beg".

I would write the lyrics, but they are in cloud language, so you wouldn't understand. But I can tell you that the song is beautiful. I've seen clouds cry when I perform it. Yeah. I'm good like that.

I'm off to check the stratus of my cumulus.



Tuesday, June 2, 2009

you hard a drive bargain

I almost didn't write anything today. I'm still a little lost. My hard drive went away. I'm not sure what happened to it. Maybe it had some trouble with the mob. Perhaps it is on safari. I don't know.

I do know that I have been scrambling around trying to rebuild all my files.

So. That is all. I wish I could tell you more, but I honestly don't know anything without my computer. It's like my brain. I would say it's like my second brain, but it's really my first brain. Whatever is in my head is like a third or fourth brain.

Computer comes first. Then my calendar. Then that thing in my head.

I wish I had one of those smart phones. Then one of my brains would be smart.

I'm very distracted today.

I can't focus without my computer.

I totally forgot to eat lunch.

I'm off to try to find...something...