Monday, February 28, 2011

don't you know the dewey decimal system

Some libraries are getting rid of the Dewey Decimal System to go with the more popular "book store" approach.

They say that people are used to browsing for books and pick up what they like. So, organizing books like a store makes people feel more comfortable and might get them to read more.

Now, I have no problem with this, but really, how often do you casually shop around for books about 18th Century Amish cooking?

You ONLY look for that stuff if you have to make yumazitti or if you are doing a report on making yumazitti.

Nobody BROWSES for yumazitti!

You browse for fiction. Maybe some biographies. But research? Who browses to learn? Show me a person who browses for education and I'll show you a deep-fried yumazitti!

What...Paula Deen already did that? Oh. Okay. On a stick, maybe?

The point is, Dewey or not, everything is in the computer. It just has to tell me where to find the book.

Librarians love Dewey, though. If you know a librarian, ask them about Dewey and they'll just talk about him for hours. It's true. And boring.

You know what I COULD have done? I could have just browsed their Book Classification section and read a book on Dewey.

I didn't. And wouldn't. But I COULD have.

I'm off to classificate.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, February 25, 2011

bending light and not bending time

I can bend light by the speed of my car! As I was driving into work today, the lights hitting my windshield (or windscreen in England) were all bending and curving towards the lower left. It was beautiful!

Most of the time, when I drive to work, I pay attention to the road and that's kinda boring. But this morning, I could watch the lights bend and I didn't even have to watch where I was going!

I've always felt that the speed of my car would change my gravitational pull. Clearly it does. Since I was creating enough gravity to bend light.

Sadly, I could not bend time and I was a few minutes late to work. Bending time is much harder to do.

It's also harder to write songs about.

Sorry, that's an inside joke that maybe 6 other people will get. And only 3 will read. But trust me, if you KNEW about the song Bending Time, you would think any joke about it is hilarious. Seriously. You should just laugh because you know it's actually funny.

Go ahead, laugh. I'll wait.

See! I told you it was funny! Don't you love inside jokes?

I do too. That's why we get along so well. We never know what we're laughing about. But at least we're laughing!

I'm off to bend stuff.

Enjoy Everything.


Wednesday, February 23, 2011

throw another blog on the fire

Does anybody read blogs anymore? The new studies say they don't!

Kids just don't have time to read these horrifically long blogs. They're more than 140 characters! That's just crazy!

People like to read short bursts of info instead of the long novel-length blog.

So, what am I doing writing this? I have no idea, but I can't stop!

Some day I will make my blogs short. I should start now.

Some guy made a GIANT penny out of 84,000 regular sized pennies. Batman has a giant penny. Is this guy Batman?! I just found Batman! (Under 140 characters!)

If I DID have more characters, I COULD tell you about all the other great things that are better when they are used to make bigger versions of themselves.

Like a giant cupcake made from regular cupcakes. Or a giant cookie made from smaller cookies. Maybe a giant disco ball made from other disco balls. Can you think of anything else?

How about a giant pile of whipped cream made from smaller piles of whipped cream!

That would be fun to play in! Put a giant disco ball over that and you have a party!

Unfortunately, I didn't have the room to write all of that, so we didn't get to talk about it. But if we were able to get those characters, that would have been fun to mention.

I'm off to keep it short.

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, February 21, 2011

president and absident

I love presidents. They are crazy!

Actually, they only seem crazy because they are really just regular people who happen to find themselves with a great deal of power.

That's right! They are regular people who do regular things! Pretty cool, right?

In theory, and practice, I could be a president. Imagine that! All the fun things that I could do in the White House!

That's why I love it when they come out with "Presidential Fackts!" I just added the "k" for extra facktiness. And Vitamin K!

Do you know what I found out? John Quincy Adams was the FIRST president to be interviewed in the nude! Yep! He was skinny dipping, as all presidents like to do, and a reporter came up and sat on his clothes.

Reporter: "I will not relinquish these clothes until you grant me an interview!"

JQ: "Okay. I will allow it. Only if you write about how snazzy my mutton chops are."

Reporter: "Can do. Now, why are you having problems with these new tariffs you worked on?"

JQ: "Grrrrr...Andrew Jackson is the problem!"

And that was pretty much John Quincy's answer to everything that went wrong. Seriously, they hated each other. They wanted to duel in Laser Tag, but it hadn't been invented yet. So they just yelled a lot.

It's shocking we made it this far as a nation. But at least we have Laser Tag now.

Have a great Presidents' Day!

I'm off to grow my mutton chops.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, February 18, 2011

republi-show-up vs. democra-not-gonna-do-it

I love this. In Wisconsin, there is some vote about some anti-union bill. The Republicans want to pass it, but the Democrats don't.

Unfortunately for the Democrats, there are more Republicans in the state senate.

But, there's a loophole! There has to be at least ONE Democrat present when the vote happens to make it valid! Instead of voting, they all just got on a bus to Rockville, Illinois!

Can I do that? If I don't like my chances for something, can I just NOT show up?

Boss: "We're thinking of firing you, can you give us any reason not to?"

Me: "Can I have a minute?"

Boss: "Sure."

Then I leave and don't come back! I don't get fired AND I get to visit Rockville!

What a sweet deal! Who doesn't want to go to Rockville with a bunch of Democrats playing hooky? Rebel-Democrats are wild. They tag buildings with washable chalk, take brisk walks with scissors and sometimes even wear their sunglasses at night.

Hey, don't switch the blade on the guy with shades, I'm just telling you what I heard.

I'm off to not show up.

Enjoy Everything.


Wednesday, February 16, 2011

what are you doing alex

There is a computer on Jeopardy! Watson. That's the computer's name.

Really? That's the name they decided to give it? How come they always give these computers such creepy names?!

Hal. Watson. Destructor. I mean, really...who comes up with this stuff? If you named the computer "Fuzzles," I bet that EVERYBODY would love it.

Even the computer would love it! The computer would love its name SO much that it would NEVER think of attacking anybody with a venomous technovirus turning us all into mindless slaves.

Not at all. Fuzzles would attack us with technohugs and technokisses. That's my 4th favorite kind of attack.

Fuzzles the computer looks kinda like a pink bunny. At least that's what it looks like in my head.

A pink computer bunny.

*giggle* So cute!

I'm off to log onto fuzzles.

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, February 14, 2011

agent cupid: the arrow who loved me

History doesn't give much credit to Cupid's archery skills. They focus on the fact that he shot the "love arrow" at people, but forget that he can shoot that arrow, from, like, a million miles away!

I once heard that he shot a hole through a coin at twenty paces. Blindfolded. And shirtless! Because that's how Cupid rolls.

And shirts hold back the wings. Cuz when you got wings, you want to fly!

There was this one time that Cupid had to infiltrate a secret government facility operated by evil karate ducks and had to cover his wings so he could wear all black to sneak in.

He couldn't fly, but still got in all ninja-style and arrowed everything. Like, EVERYTHING. Every arrow hit every mark perfectly! He had to get a flash drive arrow into a usb port on a computer. He did it from a ventilation shaft. He downloaded the info needed and then destroyed the computer.

WHAT?! That's right, he did that! THAT is how good he is.

He's a mad-crazy toxophilite.

So if you got hit by Cupid's arrow, you were SUPPOSED to get hit with it. He doesn't miss. Ever.

Okay, so once he scratched himself with an arrow and fell in love with Psyche, but she was kinda hot, so he was distracted. Honest mistake.

I'm off to check my fletchings.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, February 11, 2011

what makes a berry a berry

Why are bananas not a berry? Is it a tree/bush thing? Are they really that different that it matters?

I ask because I'm eating some dried fruit and nuts. And it's not called "nuts and berries" because of the dried banana in it. Has anyone asked the banana if it would like to be a berry?

Is there a dragon berry? That would be cool. Especially if it was shaped like a dragon! Or a giant dinosaur berry! Like, bigger than a house! THAT would redefine the word "berry!"

WHOA! Okay! Take a second here! I just looked up berries online and it says that bananas ARE a berry! YES! They are berries!

Botanically speaking, it's a banana berry! Wow! My world just got flipped upside-down!

WHAT?! Tomatoes and pumpkins are also berries?!?! This is amazing! Did you know this?

Nice! So I can eat nuts and berries! Today is going to be a great day! A great WEEK, in fact!

Banana berries, look out! I'm a berry eatin' fool!

You should eat more berries, too! Like a banana and tomato sandwich! A BERRY SANDWICH!


I'm off to eat a banana berry.

Enjoy Everything.


Wednesday, February 9, 2011

dig that hole like dig dug

Tokyo has a hole digging competition. You have 30 minutes to dig a hole. Deepest hole wins the GOLDEN SHOVEL!

Not only that, but you can win for the most creative hole, too!

How do you make a "creative" hole? Do it like Dig Dug! That's right! If you can destroy some Pookas and Fygars, then I bet you would win that prize!

Granted, that joke is ONLY funny to people who know everything about the video game Dig Dug, but trust me, it's funny.

I used to dig holes thinking I could get to the center of the Earth. Now I know that's impossible because of the Earth's rotation. It keeps changing your direction, so it's impossible to get there unless you have very high-tech equipment calibrated to the spin and orbit of the earth and a few other planets.

Gravity gets all messed up the deeper you go down.

Dig Dug told me that.

Also, it's dangerous to dig to the center of the Earth. You might run into Pookas and Fygars. They are scary. Especially Fygar's fire.

OH! And watch out for wild boars! I thought I almost hit one last night! Turned out to be a trash can in the road, but still, coulda been a boar.

I'm off to dig a hole.

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, February 7, 2011

happy belated nutella day

Woops! Missed Nutella Day this year! Apparently it was on Saturday. Actually, every February 5 is Nutella Day.

February. That's fun to say. Feb Roo Air Ree! tee hee...

I don't know why they separate Nutella Day and Valentine's Day. Shouldn't they be the same? Why not just have Nutella for a Valentine?

It's yummy and full of love! Even though the awkwardly shaped container never allows you to get all the Nutella out of it, it's still awkwardly shaped love. That never lets you get all the Nutella/love out of it.

I don't know what today is, but they should also combine it with Nutella.

They should probably do that every day.

OH! Here's the perfect Valentine's Day gift! Throw some bread into a toaster. If you've never done that, it magically turns bread into toast. Once you have the toast, spread some Nutella on it. Then make it into the shape of a heart!

Bring that to your loved one and you just made Valentine's Day amazing! Done! You don't have to do anything else!

That's how you show love. Nutella on toast equals love on toast.

I'm off to spread things on toast.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, February 4, 2011

mona lisa or mana lisa or mony mony lisa

Could the Mona Lisa be a man?! Yes it could! That's the new theory by some guy, at least.

And what's wrong with that? Some men like to be pretty! I know I do!

They think it was Da Vinci's "associate" Gian Giacomo Caprotti. Also known as "Salai." I guess that's his nickname. It's Italian for "Big G Capriscuit." Which, when I think about it, is a pretty rad nickname.

Silvano Vinceti, the man making the claim, says that he found the letter "L" in the Mona Lisa's right eye and an "S" in the left eye. Also, there is the number 72 under the bridge in the background.

Of course, you can't see these things unless you have a high-powered microscope. So clearly, Da Vinci had a high-powered, microscopic paint brush. But, who doesn't have one of those, right? I have, like, four of them in my pocket right now.

Oh, the "L" is for "Leonardo" and the "S" is for "Salai." Clearly Da Vinci was showing his affection for Gian by putting the first letter of his nickname in one eye and the name of his favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle in the other.

That's how I show affection, too.

72 stands have no idea. It's not in the article. Maybe that was Salai's favorite number. It's not a bad number. Not really worthy of FAVORITE, though.

You know what 72 IS good for! Quarters in my pocket! That's a lot of laundry AND gumballs!

I'm off to Mona Lisa.

Enjoy Everything.


Thursday, February 3, 2011

transportation security hydrangea

Plants are incredible! Did you know that they change color? Okay, maybe you did know that. Trees do it every year, so it's not that surprising.

But, some plants change color when they're scared! Some plants detect dangers in the air and will change from green to white to "trick" the danger into leaving it alone, I guess.

Scientists are trying to create plants that smell bomb-making stuffs so they change color when they smell it. So if you're going through airport security and you see a plant next to the metal detector, that plant MIGHT BE SMELLING YOU!

If you smell bomby, then you might get arrested. If you smell like water, it might hug you. I don't know. I've heard they can genetically modify plants to hug, too.

I like to hug plants. They grow better with hugs. And Miracle-Gro plant sticks that you put in the dirt. Those are like hugs for the roots. And snuggles for the apical meristem.

It's nice.

I'm off to hug a plant.

Enjoy Everything.


Tuesday, February 1, 2011

ain't no mountain high enough

I got snow tires for the first time in my life yesterday! They are totally hard core!

I haven't driven in snow yet, but on notsnow, they are the best tires ever! I've never had a better ride in my car! It's like driving on a cloud of soft sponges!

They should also help me in the snow. Because of their grippiness. I know I've only driven about 10 miles on them so far, but I'm pretty sure they are the best tires on any car ever. They could probably drive up a mountain. And not just a little mountain. One of those big ones that has a name! Like Rushmore or Everest!

I think I'll go try that today. Because you know what they say, "There's no point in making muffins if you can't get them out of the pan."

I'm off to tread the pavement.

Enjoy Everything.