Friday, August 29, 2008

big brain

This weekend is a big back “to college” weekend. I actually get to see this happen in action because I am making a work appearance at my alma mater, Westfield State College, this weekend. Ahhh...the memories of higher learning.

I'm not gonna say that I was a complete loser when I started college, but that's only because I don't want to say it out loud. Really. You don't believe me? Ok, try this. And these things are absolutely true. I have witnesses. I started school with a poof. Now, for many years I've been a fan of the shower poof. It cleans AND exfoliates. Can't beat that. I started college with a turtle poof. Yep. It had soft feet and head and the shell was the poof. Ask Chad. He might remember that. I think he made fun of me for it. Which, of course, he had every right to.

If you want more proof, ask Bobb (the extra b is for bombastic) about the Dateline hat. This hat was an epic piece in my personal history. I used to watch a lot of Dateline. How could you not watch a guy with the name Stone? I mean, seriously. His name is Stone! How could the chicks not love him?

Stone: Hey.

Lady: Hi.

Stone: My name Stone. I rock.

Lady: *swoon*

Heck, I just swooned a little!

So, this hat was covered in pins. There were pins of bands I liked, comic book characters and my name tag from Pizza Hut. My name was Spider-Man when I worked at Pizza Hut. Yeah. They let me put that on my name tag. Pretty rad, right? The hat weighed about 20 pounds. It was ridiculous.

I was lucky to have a cool roommate when I was a freshman. His name was Joe. Still is, as far as I know. He was sort of a minimalist. He could probably be one of those monks that doesn't own anything. I seem to remember him liking TV, though, so if the monks let him have cable, he might be ok.

Joe had 2 pairs of khaki shorts, 2 pairs of khaki pants, 5 white t-shirts and 2 button up shirts. I might be exaggerating for dramatic effect, but not much. My closet was FULL of clothes. He literally used about 10 centimeters of closet space. It was amazing...and empty. He had 2 posters. The Clash and Swingers. And he had a laptop computer. That is pretty much everything he brought to college. Oh, yeah, and a bar of soap. He was a clean boy. Still is, as far as I know.

I'm sure there's more to talk about. Maybe next week will be a college memory week. You can share your memories, too! Actually, I don't know how exciting my college memories are. It involves a lot of F-Zero on Nintendo 64 and Cartoon Network at 3am. Wow...that pretty much explains my four years of college...and, oddly enough, my current employment. Hmmm...I guess hard work is important. Woops.

I'm off to tell kids to study hard and stay in school.


-DJJ (the extra J is for Jupiter!)

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

back to school

The kids are going back to school and they want stuff. New clothes and new pencils and new stuff. I remember one year that I HAD to have those pump sneakers. I don't remember who made them, but they were brilliant.

Think about it. Let's say you're a kid and you wear a size 6 shoe. But your foot is really a 5 and 3/4 size. You don't want to go a size down because that would be too small, but a 6 might feel a little loosy-goosy (loosie-goosie? loosey-goosey? I don't know). So, PUMP IT UP! How sweet is that? Fits perfectly now. Your foot is snug and you don't have to worry about your shoes floppin all over the place. If you recall, I'm not a huge fan of floppin on my feet.

You know what would be great? Other items of clothing that pump up to fit you better. I have a tough time with shirts. I'm a small and a half. It sometimes depends on the company that makes the shirt, but on average, a small is too small and a medium is too big.

So, what if I could pump up my medium shirt to fit perfectly? That would be great! I know what you're thinking...maybe I could pump up a little bit, i.e. lifting weights, so I fit into a medium a little better, but really, doesn't that sound like effort? It does. So let's not talk about that again.

I also remember really wanting a hypercolor shirt. That was the shirt that changed color with your body heat. I think I had a green one that would turn yellow when I got hot. Oddly enough, it was always yellow. (get it? I was so hot that it was always yellow.) I kinda wish they still made those shirts. They were cool.

What did you have to have before school? I'm pretty sure all the stuff I HAD to have didn't help me become popular...actually, I'm totally sure that it didn't help. Mostly because I was the opposite of popular. If there was a word to describe unpopular as even more unpopular than unpopular, that was me. No amount of hypercolor could help that. Oh well.

I'm off to pump up my shoes.



Tuesday, August 26, 2008


I had some skittles the other day. I really liked them. It's been a long time since I sat down with a good bag of skittles. Maybe too long. And, just like when you haven't seen a good friend for a long time, you want to hug and laugh and enjoy your time together.

That is what I did with my skittles. I also ate my skittles. I don't eat my friends. I'm not a people-eating monster. Unless it is when I squish my skittles into a people-shape. Then I will PRETEND I am a people-eating monster. Only for pretend, though. Don't worry.

There is a phone number on the back of the skittles bag for comments. Actually, there is a number like that on most everything. I wanted to call the skittle number that day. Just to tell them that I really enjoyed my skittles. Then, I would like to call them everyday and tell them again and again that I love skittles.

Me: Hello.

Skittles: Hello.

Me: I just wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed my skittles today.

Skittles: Well thanks!

Me: Ok. Bye!

Skittles: Bye!

(Day 2)

Me: Hi again.

Skittles: Hello.

Me: I think yellow is my favorite skittle. I hope that doesn't make the other colors envious.

Skittles: I think they'll be fine. Somebody just called earlier complimenting red.

Me: Phew...I didn't want the skittles to fight for my affection.

Skittles: Don't worry. We make sure all our skittles are happy.

Me: Cool... ... ...Bye!

Skittles: Bye!

(Day 3)

Me: Hey...It's me.

Skittles: Hello

Me: I really like skittles.

Skittles: I've heard.

Me: Really? Did I tell you that?

Skittles: You did. The other day.

Me: Oh...well...yellow is my favorite.

Skittles: You told me that too.

Me: Oh...well...I love all my skittles.

Skittles: That's good.

Me: Sometimes I squish them together into a person shape and pretend I'm a people-eating monster and then eat my skittles.

Skittles: ...

Me: But...uh...I only did that once...when my friend was visiting and he told me to do it because it was fun...I didn't just do it before I called or anything.

Skittles: Uh huh.

Me: I have to go.

Skittles: Yes you do.

And that is exactly what happened the last three days! I recorded all three of the conversations. I can't wait to find out what happens today! I love the skittles people. They're so nice to me. And they talk to me on the phone.

This was one really long blog. I'm sorry my conversations are so wordy. Next time I'll try to talk less. But those skittles people can be chatty, you know?

I'm off to eat my a monster. Roar!



Friday, August 22, 2008

things to remember

I don't talk about politics too often, but this was just so silly that I had to bring it up. I'm not taking any sides, but this was funny. Did you hear about John McCain's little "I forgot" moment? Yeah, he couldn't remember how many houses he had. Now this could have been said by any insanely rich person, but McCain said it first in front of the press, so he gets all the jokes.

I have heard of things like "baby brain" where a woman becomes forgetful after giving birth. I have decided that there is now something called "McCain brain" where you forget about huge, important things in your life. For example, how many houses you own. It just shows how far removed our candidates are from the average person. If I were to ask anybody I know how many houses they owned, I would get the answer of either zero or one (with a mortgage).

So, here are a few things that you should NEVER forget if you are running for president if you want to relate to the common person:

How many houses you own - if you can't remember this, you might be too rich

How many children you have - if you can't remember this, you probably have too many or aren't very good at parenting.

How many jobs you have - and we don't want cheesy answer from our candidates like "well, running for president feels like 5 extra jobs." No, because some people actually work 5 jobs, so you're not funny. We hate that. Just say you have one job. We don't care if you do it, but don't joke.

Why people can't tell that Clark Kent and Superman is the same person - as it was clearly explained many years ago, he changes his voice and vibrates his head ever-so-slightly so you can't clearly see that they are the same person. duh.

Now, here are some things that you can forget because we all forget these things:

How many grains of sand there are in the world - we will forgive you for not knowing that because nobody does

How many comic books you have - who can remember that? I'm sure you all have more than a thousand, so don't worry about keeping track.

What you named your kids - that's easy to forget, so it's ok if you don't remember them, but, as previously stated, you should at least know the number of kids you own. Who cares what their names are, it's not like we want to talk to them. And if we do we can just yell, "Hey! Kid of presidential candidate! Come here!" See? That works.

The fact that leeches secrete an anticoagulant called hirudin when they suck your blood - sure we all know that, but we don't expect you to remember it.

So, McCain, Obama and other candidates that nobody remembers, there are your tips for running a smooth campaign. I just don't want you to get caught with your pants down again. Well, if THAT actually happened, I'm sure you wouldn't be in the campaign anymore. And it would be pretty funny.

I'm off to run for president.



Thursday, August 21, 2008

the collector

So, yesterday I talked about my sticker collection. It wasn't really a collection, but it kinda counts. It was like a toy chest and it just had stickers all over it. I imagine there are people out there who had real collections that involved pages of stickers in a particular order.

Page 12: Rainbow Horses

Page 26: Puffy Stars

Page 33: White Unicorns

Page 47: Shimmery Dolphins

Page 75: Lemon Scratch 'n' Sniff

And so on and so forth. My sticker collection was a little less organized.

Me: OOOOH!!! I have a Transformers Sticker! (then I would put it on the chest)

That was it. Not very organized. I did also collect ALF Cards. That was a little bit more organized because they were numbered. The ALF cards were not very creative. They were just pictures from the show with random bits of information on the back about the show.

I also collected McDonald's toys. I had a LOT of those. This was back before everything they gave away HAD to tie in with a movie. I had great stuff from them that were just their own characters. I had little McNugget Men and Lunch Boxes that had the characters on it. I even had a red Ronald spoon. And about a million other toys from them.

I'm sure I collected a bunch of other things, but I spent too much time organizing ALF cards to remember it all.

Then I got older and realized that it was time to stop collecting silly toys, so I started buying comic books. They're easy to organize because they are numbered and they smell good. The smelling good part has nothing to do with organizing them, but it has everything to do with how awesome they are.

I'm sure you collected something when you were younger. I'd love to hear about it. Some people collect stamps. Some people collect coins. Some people collect children. Some people collect rocks. Some people collect hair. Whatever it may be, let me know!

I'm off to check out page 33 (with 47 a close second and 75 third...then back to 33).



Wednesday, August 20, 2008

ghost rider

I remembered something the other day. One of those life lessons you learn in elementary school. I learned that I should never walk on railroad tracks. Yep. I'd like to say that I had a reason for remembering this, but I don't know why it popped into my head. Maybe because kids go back to school soon? I don't know. I DO know that I shouldn't get my shoe stuck in the tracks because then I might be forever stuck on the (sing dramatically "DUN, DUN DUN!") GHOST TRAIN!

They used to show us videos all the time in school to teach us lessons. I'm sure they still do that, but I'm not so sure about the ghost train. I've mentioned it to people and nobody else has ever seen it. Maybe you have...or maybe I just imagined the whole thing when I zoned out in class on the day we were learning about trains. I used to sniff crayons a lot and fade out of reality. I'm pretty sure this really happened, though.

Basically, a couple kids were walking on the train tracks and one got their shoe stuck. Oh no! Then...WHOO WHOOO...a train is coming! Lucky for the stupid kid that it's only a ghost train. The kid gets "hit" by the train and sees all these ghosts in clothing from different time periods and they all keep telling her that walking on the train tracks is dangerous.

She then wakes up NEXT to the train tracks. She's not dead at all! Was it real? Was it only a dream? Was she thinking so hard about her sticker collection that she fainted? We may never know.

She does walk away with a good lesson. Ghosts are annoying and talk about railroad safety WAY too much. She also learned that ghosts don't know how to keep up with current clothing trends. She got on the train with a sweet side pony and leg warmers. The ghosts didn't look that cool at all in their cloche hats and oxford bags.

She then makes a vow to wear totally hip clothing all the time because she wants to look rad when she's a ghost.

Or maybe she decides that it's a bad idea to walk on the train tracks and should concentrate on her sticker collection. I can't remember. It was a long time ago. I do remember having a sticker collection. Maybe I'll talk about that some other day.

So there you go. Look totally rad all the time because you never know when the ghost train is coming. I'm sure you don't want to be stuck on the train when you're wearing a side pony. What was she thinking?

I'm off to get my ticket for the ghost train. Shoes? Check. Railroad? Check. Stuck foot? Check...WHOOO WHOOOO...crud...



Monday, August 18, 2008

he also talks to fish

That's right; I'm talking about the half-dolphin/half-man Michael Phelps. I actually saw some of his swimming spectacular on Friday night. He won for the 345th time this olympics and now has a house made out of gold medals. I bet you didn't know that gold medals keep you cool in the summer and warm in the winter. It's the perfect insulation.

I haven't talked about the olympics much because I haven't really been watching it. I don't really follow sports and the olympics aren't much different. I think what bothers me is that I see people succeed in something they are really good at...and I hate them for it. You can call it jealousy...and you'd probably be right.

I guess working hard at something for years makes you good at it, but really, who has that kind of time? I sure don't! I don't think you'll see me swimming in the olympics anytime soon. Unless they can mutate me with dolphin DNA. I think that is what they did to Phelps. They did all those tests for drugs and stuff and he's completely clean. Well, duh, he doesn't need anything because he's a dolphin mutant! They needed to test for that!

He might also be part bear. I say that because he eats, like, 500 pounds of food a day. How much food does a bear eat? That's right! 500 pounds a day! (I'm guessing, actually. I didn't really ask a bear how much it ate because the bear would have eaten me and I would have been a good chunk of its 500 pounds of food. I didn't want to be eaten.)

So, I wouldn't stand near Michael Phelps because he might eat you. I don't think he will, though. His trainers made sure to keep him on a no-human diet. BUT, just to be safe, keep at least 300 yards away. And, if he does come near you, just play dead. DO NOT jump into the water and try to swim away. His dolphin instincts will kick in and he will chase you.

He's kind of like a superhero. Except he hasn't saved the world for an alien threat. Heck, even I've done that. So...yeah! Take that Phelps! Now YOU can be jealous of ME! HA! whatever, he's way cooler than I am. I bet he can't play his nose like a harmonica. So there.

I'm off to work on my harmonica nose symphony.



Friday, August 15, 2008

helmet boy will save the day!

Well, this wraps up my vacation. On the last day, I saw some old friends in North Carolina. Old as in I have known them for a long time, not that they are aged. They are Meg and Kev and they are the proud parents of Helmet Boy. He is a superhero. A safe and well-protected superhero.

Actually, his name is Jake and he becomes the superhero Helmet Boy when he dons his fabulous tractor helmet. It might look like a bike helmet, but its uses are many. Jake gets this superhero name because was wearing his helmet while riding his toy tractor. When tractor-time was over, he decided to keep his helmet on for dinner. Have you ever been to dinner? I'll bet you've injured yourself more than once at the dinner table. Jake doesn't get hurt. If a bean flies off his plate and goes for his cranium, Jake feels no pain. If a meteor falls through the roof, it just bounces off his head. It's amazing. Both of those things actually happened while he was eating. In that order, too. I was so impressed that I wrote a superhero theme song for him.

Besides Jake being one of the coolest kids you'll ever meet, I also got to hang with Kev and Meg. First, there is a cupcake shop in North Carolina. Yep. I spoke about them a little while ago NOT knowing that these magical places even existed. They do and they are beautiful. Unfortunately, the evil Witches of Vegetable made sure that the cupcake shop was closed when I went there. I could see the Castle of Cupcake inside the window though. It was amazing. I could hear the cupcakes calling out my name hoping I could save them from the Vegetable Demons, but sadly, I wouldn't be able to do that until 9am the next morning, and I just couldn't wait that long. Luckily, Kev has no problem with making cupcakes at 10pm on a Thursday night. He is my knight is sugary, frosting armor.

Finally, I'm sure you have had the experience to reminisce with friends about the past, but do you reminisce with a video of you playing in a rock and roll band at a juice bar in the middle of nowhere? I didn't think so. I watched a video of me from 8 years ago. Did you know that it was the year 2000 eight years ago? Do you remember what happened that long ago? I'll tell you:

Indonesia had an earthquake that measured 7.9 on the Richter scale.

Divers found the ancient port of Alexandria.

And, 1 pound of bacon cost $2.97

Wow...the crazy things that happened in those good old days. Those were the three most important things that happened the whole year. Well, besides me rocking the roof off a juice bar. I think we rocked so hard that night that they didn't even need to use the blenders. You got it, we just played rock and roll and all the fruit exploded and landed neatly into glasses for people to drink and enjoy. Unfortunately, nobody was there. Except us and the person filming us...and by the movement of the video, it looked like he was falling asleep. wooo...we rocked slightly harder than a lullaby...but only barely.

That is all! I've never blogged so much in my life! I hope you enjoyed it. If you didn' my parents...they made me go on family vacation. I told them I couldn't go because I had to blog about non-vacation happenings in my life, but they offered me candy, know...can't say no to that!

I'm off to don my helmet.



Thursday, August 14, 2008

days of sugar past

I think this will wrap up my days in Myrtle Beach. Here's a mix of a few fun things that are worth mentioning about my trip.

I stayed at a hotel with an "Ocean Fro." It's true. I have pictures to prove it. I think that's what happens when the ocean breeze blows your hair up all day. It's called "ocean fro" and my hotel wanted to let you know that it was their specialty.

I think it was their specialty because I blew up their hair dryer. Though, it's entirely possible that my hair looked so hot that when I tried to use the hair dryer that my immense hair-hotness radiated to the hair dryer and blew it up. I'm not sure of the science behind it all, but when my hair looks good, it's like a microwave and heats stuff up that is too close. It's very dangerous. You should wear those metal bibs the dentist has when I'm having a good hair day. Luckily, I don't have a lot of good hair days.

One of the mornings, after getting my ocean fro, I had pancakes. Not just any pancakes, but Uncle John's pancakes. Uncle John is a brilliant pancakisist because he'll put candy in the pancake batter. No joke. I had peanut butter cup pancakes with m&ms in them. Yep. It had chocolate chips, peanut butter chips and m&ms mixed into it. There were a ton of other candy choices, but I didn't want to go too crazy.

Finally, Myrtle Beach has these great shopping areas. They're kinda like strip malls, but more fancy for the tourists. One of them had a place called "It'sugar" which was a HUGE candy store. They had a TON of candy and a few things even I hadn't seen before. Like gummy butterflies. They are good. They also had crunchy gummy worms. They sound gross, but they are oh-so fantastic. They're like gummy worms with nerds on them. It's like you're eating a crunchy worm. So good.

And, one of the shopping areas had Dr. Root Beer's Hall of Foam. And what does Dr. Root Beer prescribe? No...not plomox. He actually prescribes root beer! And if your daily intake of root beer isn't enough, he'll up the prescription to a root beer float. If Dr. Root Beer were around here, I would totally make him my primary care physician.

Me: What's up Doc?

Dr. R.B.: Stick out your tongue and say ahhh.

Me: ...

Dr. R.B.: Oh! Sorry! Drink this root beer first!

Me: glug, glug, glug....Ahhhhh!!!

Dr. R.B.: You're in perfect health! But, just in case, take a six pack of root beer and call me in the morning.

Me: Will do!

He's the best. Always caring about his patients.

Well, that pretty much all I have for the beach and stuff. I did have some more vacation, but it's a little different, that will written about tomorrow.

I'm off to make an appointment with my doctor. I'm feeling a little un-root beer-ish



Wednesday, August 13, 2008

the dolphin and the tiger

Here it is, your special "animal" edition of my blog. Animals are things that we humans like to look at, feed and sometimes they eat your head. I got to see a little bit everything.

First, let me tell you about the Gay Dolphin. This was not a dolphin that I met, but rather a place to shop. I don't know how long it has actually been around, but I imagine it's been there for a while. This is, as they claim, the largest gift shop in the east coast. I'm not sure where the boundaries of the east coast are, but I will agree this place is pretty big.

The sad thing is that they everything EXCEPT a bunch of stuff that actually says "The Gay Dolphin." This place was huge, and had stuff you would NEVER buy at a gift shop. Like a bird bath. It didn't even say Myrtle Beach. It was just a nice place for birds to shower. Why would I buy that at a gift shop? I can't fit that in my luggage and take it home...or could I? Hmm...

Anyway, wouldn't you want a coffee mug with a dolphin on it that said "The Gay Dolphin?" I think they're missing out on a HUGE market. Who cares about a fly swatter that says Myrtle Beach? I want a light blue t-shirt that says "The Gay Dolphin got me this sweet tee." Look me in the eyes. Now tell me that shirt wouldn't sell. You can't, can you? I thought not.

Now, if you're looking for some live-action dolphins, you can go into the ocean. That's what I did. After 5 seconds of training, I drove a jet ski into the ocean. I will tell you that you should not be allowed to drive a jet ski into the ocean without at least 10 minutes of training. It's really not safe, but at least I signed a waiver allowing my death. So,'s really my own fault.

You fly out there and sneak behind a shrimp boat. Then these dolphins will swim around you. It's actually kinda cool. They couldn't care less that you're there. They're probably just thinking that stupid humans are in the way of their shrimp-boat trailing. And possibly thinking about the Bose-Einstein condensate because that's fun to think about. I would suggest doing it...the going out into the ocean to see dolphins, not the condensate thing. And do it with a qualified jet skier. Not with me. Unless you like being scared and wetting your pants.

Finally, there is a place that has tigers. They also have a liger. You can get your picture with a baby tiger and a not-so-baby tiger. The baby is cute and cuddly and soft. The not-so-baby is hefty. The people there lift this tiger out of their cage and plop him on your lap. Then they take a picture. This thing is would eat my head if it didn't have a bottle of milk in its mouth. Thank goodness tigers love their nuks.

I'm off to condensate.



Tuesday, August 12, 2008

the minotaur

It's time for part two of my vacation series when I've titled "Vacation Episode II: Attack of the Golf."

Did you know that Myrtle Beach is the miniature golf capital of the world? It's something like that because there are more mini golf courses than actual residents in Myrtle Beach. It's true. Drive down the street and you will see. It's crazy.

I was able to play at two, count'em TWO, courses. Yep. How's that for excitement. Let me tell you all about them.

The first place was called "Hawaiian Rumble" and it is where the professionals play. It is officially sanctioned by the USPMGA. You know it, the U.S. Pro Mini-Golf Association. They love this place. Why? I think it has to do with the live volcano in the middle of the course. The course itself was not very creative or challenging, but about every 15 minutes the volcano in the middle of the coarse rumbles and shoots out a ball of fire.

USPMGA's love that stuff. Don't believe me? Go ask your local USPMGA member. They'll tell you.

You: Do you love fake volcanoes shooting off fire when you're practicing?

USPMGA member: You bet your sweet putter I do!

Told you so. They love to put the word "putter" in the place of other words all the time. It's crazy having a conversation with a USPMGA member.

You: Hey Barry! How are you?

USPMGA member Barry: I'm putter-riffic!

You: That's cool. Did you hear about those stupid new parking rules?

Barry: They are un-putter-believable! Those putt-offs in corporate don't know a putter thang.

You: You're tellin' me. I'll see you at lunch.

Barry: I'll be there with putters on!

Wow...if you can understand that, maybe you should join the USPMGA.

The other course I got to check out was "Mount Atlanticus' Minotaur Goff." I think they spelled it like that on purpose. It was actually a huge place with two WAY cool courses. I think it actually scares USPMGA-ers because of the minotaurness. They had a minotaur course and a conch course. You slowly go up four flights of stairs playing the game and then you have to climb all the way down to finish your game. It's crazy. You're in this hut four stories up in the air playing miniature golf. It's actually pretty cool.

I hope I didn't offend any USPMGA members. I'm just funnin' ya. I make fun because I'm jealous of your seriously...I totally am...ahem...please don't come after me with your putters.

I'm off to do some putter fencing.



Monday, August 11, 2008

super summer special

Hi. I'm back from vacation. Did you miss me? Awww...that's sweet. Big Hug!

So...yeah...I'm not sure how I want to describe my vacation. I figured it would take a long time and I'm not sure how many people actually care about my summer vacation. You wanna hear about it? Ok...fine...I'll tell you ALL about it, but it might take a few days. That's ok? Sweet.

So, first and foremost! I was actually asked, in person, about my swimsuit and flip flops. I got a black swimsuit and Corona flip flops. Cool, right? and a corona...on my feet...sweet. I don't actually drink, so I THINK it's cool to have a Corona on the beach. I swear they have commercials with stuff like that. They have a lime or a lemon on the top? Maybe? Could be a carrot...I don't really pay attention. So...yeah...basically, I was cool...for the one day that I actually went to the beach.

Anyway, I got to Myrtle Beach and on the first day I went to the Hard Rock Park. It was so cool because NOBODY was there. No wait for any of the rides. If you go, check out the Led Zepplin ride. It's awesome.

After a few times on the Zepplin, I played a LOT of DDR (dance, dance revolution). I stunk. Like, smell-wise. It was hot and humid there and jumping around for an hour did NOT help my smell.

OH! In the arcade, they also have an electric chair. No kidding. You sit in this wooden chair with two metal handles sticking up. You grab hold of them, put your tokens in, and get shocked! Ok, so not shocked like "electricity" but the handles shake REALLY fast and make your hands tingle. It was tingle-riffic. I miss the tingle. I like the word tingle.

Finally, they have a candy store called "I WANT CANDY" which was cool because I actually did want candy! It's like they were in my head! Oddly enough, there were a lot of candy stores in Myrtle Beach, but I'll tell you more about them later.

I did get some new gummy candy I hadn't seen before. Gummy octopuses (octopi? mmm...that sounds like eight pies...I like that idea) are good. Gummy clown fish are also good. Sour S'ghetti...also good. That's just the start of my candy excitement. Just wait for the rest of it!'ll LOVE one of the last ones...I almost want to tell you about it now...nah, I'll wait.

OOOOOH!!!! I almost forgot about the greatest thing at Hard Rock Park. The "Child Swap" cages. Yes. At the point where you get onto the big rides, they have a barred off area with a sign that says "child swap". I didn't actually ask anybody, but I think it's so you can leave your child there, go on the ride, and then pick out a BRAND NEW child. What a great idea! It's like a pot luck with kids! You could get a great new son or daughter, BUT you risk getting a brat. What fun! I think the Holyoke mall should try this. People would love it. Maybe you could bring some stale bread and throw it into the cage to feed them. I know ducks love aren't too different...they make noises and waddle and stuff.

That's just the beginning of my adventure. Some things coming up this week include candy, pancakes, candy pancakes and helmets. So come back and wear head protection. It'll be a wild ride.

I'm off to bring some bread to the child swap.



Friday, August 1, 2008

vacation: 2008

Have you ever gone on vacation? I'm sure you have. Most people do this "vacation" thing. I'd rather do nothing all year and have two weeks of "working" instead. That would be WAY cooler. Unfortunately, my boss didn't go for that idea. My bookie also wouldn't be happy because I owe her lots of money and when that happens, her goons come after me and beat me up.

My bookie is a soccer mom named Nancy in Belchertown. She has two kids, Hunter and Julie, who can punch like the dickens. Little brats...

Anyway, it's almost vacation time. I got the swimsuit, but now I have to pack everything, which I hate. Am I the only person who despises packing? I have to pack all sorts of clothes AND THEN I pack shampoo and hair stuff and moisturizer and all sorts of stuff to make me pretty.

Wanna hear me complain more? I thought you would! So, I like to read comic books. Those are hard to bring on a trip, so I'll bring "collections." This is when they take a bunch of issues and put it in one book. So, it's a few hundred pages of comic book. Make sense? Well, these are hard to carry around and take on a plane. Books are small and easy to carry, not my stupid comics. Why couldn't I just like Stephen King or Dean Koontz. What kind of name is Koontz, anyway? Where does that come from? I wish my name was Koontz.

So that's it. When I get back I'll tell you all about it. It'll be like that essay you write in school. "What I Did On My Summer Vacation by DJ"

I'm sure you'll be on the edge of your seat until I get back.

Oh, and Nancy, I'm not telling you where I'm going, so you won't find me for a whole week! HA! Tell you kids to do some chores or something!

I'm off to...oh crud...they found me....Hunter...put down that bat...c'mon buddy...

Enjoy! (eek!)