he also talks to fish

That's right; I'm talking about the half-dolphin/half-man Michael Phelps. I actually saw some of his swimming spectacular on Friday night. He won for the 345th time this olympics and now has a house made out of gold medals. I bet you didn't know that gold medals keep you cool in the summer and warm in the winter. It's the perfect insulation.

I haven't talked about the olympics much because I haven't really been watching it. I don't really follow sports and the olympics aren't much different. I think what bothers me is that I see people succeed in something they are really good at...and I hate them for it. You can call it jealousy...and you'd probably be right.

I guess working hard at something for years makes you good at it, but really, who has that kind of time? I sure don't! I don't think you'll see me swimming in the olympics anytime soon. Unless they can mutate me with dolphin DNA. I think that is what they did to Phelps. They did all those tests for drugs and stuff and he's completely clean. Well, duh, he doesn't need anything because he's a dolphin mutant! They needed to test for that!

He might also be part bear. I say that because he eats, like, 500 pounds of food a day. How much food does a bear eat? That's right! 500 pounds a day! (I'm guessing, actually. I didn't really ask a bear how much it ate because the bear would have eaten me and I would have been a good chunk of its 500 pounds of food. I didn't want to be eaten.)

So, I wouldn't stand near Michael Phelps because he might eat you. I don't think he will, though. His trainers made sure to keep him on a no-human diet. BUT, just to be safe, keep at least 300 yards away. And, if he does come near you, just play dead. DO NOT jump into the water and try to swim away. His dolphin instincts will kick in and he will chase you.

He's kind of like a superhero. Except he hasn't saved the world for an alien threat. Heck, even I've done that. So...yeah! Take that Phelps! Now YOU can be jealous of ME! HA!

Ok...so whatever, he's way cooler than I am. I bet he can't play his nose like a harmonica. So there.

I'm off to work on my harmonica nose symphony.

Enjoy!

-DJ