Monday, January 31, 2011

powdered milk goes great with powdered toast

I don't get how powdered milk works. I understand the basic idea. It's milk that is dried. Add water and you have some liquid milk again!

But why does it last longer? Milk goes bad after a certain amount of time. Water does not. Take the water out of milk, the milk should STILL go bad, right?!

That makes sense to me! Now, I'm no scientist, but I AM related to a doctor and a physicist. So clearly, I know what I'm talking about.

The answer is clearly magic. Like Harry Potter-style magic! Powderus Stayus Unspoilicus!

I wish there were more magic powder foods. I wonder if powdered milk works like pixie dust. It DOES have magical properties. Maybe I should sprinkle some powdered milk on my head to see what happens.

I bet I can fly. Or at least jump REALLY high. Like, maybe a foot off the ground! THAT would be high!

If I can get my hands on some powdered eggs, I bet I could hold my breath for 17 seconds.

I know, that's almost unheard of!

That's what happens when you use magic to make food.

I'm off to put the power in powder.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, January 28, 2011

an ode to the silent letter

It's time the silent letter was heard! The silent letter needs a voice! And now, you have an ode that honors the silent letter that is written ENTIRELY in silent letters!

Let us begin:

*sniff* Wow...(tear)...that was emotional. I hope you appreciate what the silent letter has gone through for you. That part about "                                                                            " was so...powerful.

I just...I just can't go on. It's too much for me.

I'm off to                    .

Enjoy Everything.


Wednesday, January 26, 2011

more absorbent than the regular heart

I love that my paper towels have absorbent hearts. I don't know why I love that, but it feels like it should mean something.

Like, "the heart can wipe up any of life's spills."

That's so eloquent that it should be on a fortune cookie. Or maybe put online and incorrectly attributed to some Greek poet.

The heart is tougher than we give it credit for.

OOOOOH! "The quicker picker-upper-hearter!"

No, wait..."The hearter picker-upper!"

I like that one better.

Yeah. It's nice to wipe things up with a heart. It makes me feel like the paper towel loves its job.

And everybody should love their job. ESPECIALLY paper towels.

I'm off to clean up life's spills.

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, January 24, 2011

ice spears falling from the sky

Duuuuuuuuuuuuude! You should see the icicles hanging from my room!

They're, like, the size of a Yugo! I don't even know what a Yugo is, but I hear they are HUGE!

I woke up to see a spiky shadow from my window shade. I looked out there and saw these icicles that look like a death trap!

It's totally awesome.

I hope you have some cool icicles, too. Pun intended.

But make sure you are safe around them! The ones outside my window look dangerous. Thankfully, I wear a helmet most of the time. You never know what's going to fall from the sky!

I once got bonked on the head by a starfish. I don't know where it came from, but there it was...on my helmet.

Starfish have been known to latch onto your head and take over your mind. Then you do starfishy/echinodermy things moving across an ocean floor.


So wear your helmet. Because of starfish and icicles and stuff.

I'm off to protect my head.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, January 21, 2011

don't eat raw garlic

That's my warning to you. It's NASTY! Do you like garlic? I thought I did. I'm pretty sure I would have it in other foods and it never bothered me.

Well, I heard that eating a clove of raw garlic is good for you. Keeps the sick away. Little did I know how STRONG raw garlic is!

I could taste it in the back of my brain!

I ate SO MUCH food after that just trying to get rid of the nasty taste in my mouth!

I even tried a lemon juice chaser, but that only worked for a second. Though it did give me an exciting tingle.

I don't want that taste near me ever. EVER.

Maybe you like garlic. If you do, I think something is wrong with your taste buds.

OH! And after you eat it, you BURP it, too! And those are SOOOOOO GROSS!

It's all I can taste right now. I need it to go away. Gum tastes like garlic-cinnamon. Ick.

Don't say I didn't warn you. I do these things so I can help you make informed decisions.

If you have a friend who's thinking about trying some garlic, sit them down and talk to them about the dangers of garlic cloves. There are support groups if you need them.

I'm off to mouth wash.

Enjoy Everything.


Thursday, January 20, 2011

how many spaces could a space space space

How many spaces do you put after a period? Or a question mark?

If you answered two, then you are wrong! Don't worry. I was wrong, too.

I was raised on the "two spaces after a period" mantra.

There's a whole reason behind the "two spaces" rule, but I guess that was outdated after 1976. Most of us just didn't get the memo.

I'm trying to change to the "one space" rule. It's not easy.

You know what? I do NOT like this one space thing! Everything looks too close together! I can barely read it even WITH my glasses on!

It really bothers some people if you put two spaces after a period. I don't know why. Just to make them EXTRA mad, I'm going to put two spaces after EVERY word. And THREE after every sentence!

Take  that  word  people!  I  bet  you  hate  reading  this!  I LOVE it!  Join  me  in  the  space  revolution!

I'm off to  t a k e  u p  s p a c e .

E n j o y  E v e r y t h i n g .


Tuesday, January 18, 2011

even superheroes have to do taxes

Did you ever dream about doing your taxes?  Sounds boring, right? 

Not if you are a SUPERHERO!

I had a dream that I was Green Arrow.  You know him.  He wears all green.  Has a quiver with fancy arrows in it.  That sort of thing. 

So, I was Green Arrow and I was going to get my taxes done.  For some reason, my tax preparer was a fifth-grade teacher.  And apparently does taxes during school hours. 

I walk into the classroom.  With a quiver on my back.  In all green.  And the tax-lady started punching numbers.  The kids just sat there and stared.

That was my dream.  I wish I could say it was more exciting.  It was not.  Tax-Lady is not meant to be an evil name.  More of a job title.

Yeah...sometimes I should really think twice about what I'm writing.  I mean, nothing happened.  No battle with arrows for taxes.  Just...gettin' the ol' taxes done. 

Maybe I woke up before the awesome stuff happened.  Like the evil zombie, vampire robots attacking the school.

We'll go with that.

That's what you should learn today.  Don't wake up too early.  You miss all the good parts of tax preparation.

I'm off to fall back asleep.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, January 14, 2011

the jell-o that works like a brain

A neurologist was trying to test the accuracy of an EEG machine.  An EEG machine is an electroencofnosoeqvwef/miuaefolograph or something.  It measures brain activity.

So, this neurologist, Adrian, took some Jell-O and hooked it up to an EEG to find out what would happen.  Because, being a neurologist, he didn't have much time to goof around in medical school. 

What did he find?! 

The EEG showed "readings similar to human brain functions!"  Wow! 

There are no details on the flavor of Jell-O used, but I'm guessing it was lime.  Lime Jell-O smells like a brain.  If you ever smelled brains before. 

I have a few zombie friends, so I know these things.  You might have had that experience too.

You: "Mmmmmmm!  Something smells tropical!  Is that some lime Jell-O you're eating?"

Zombie Friend: "No.  Brains."

You: "Oh fudgies.  I was really in the mood for some lime Jell-O.  Got any of that?"

Zombie Friend: "No.  Just brains.  Want some?"

You: " DOES smell good...

Ewwwwwwww!  You actually considered eating brains?!  I know it smells good, but come on! 

Takes all kinds, I guess.

I'm off to hook up my EEG.

Enjoy Everything.


Wednesday, January 12, 2011

adventures in worky-sleeping

There is some major snow happening!  And to be safe from the super-snow, I decided to sleep at work.  Luckily, they have a nice hard table perfect for sleeping.

It sounds like I made a good decision.  There was some ucky driving this morning.  And I was SO early for work!  That'll impress the bosses! 

Have you ever been snowed in somewhere?  Or maybe stayed somewhere else because of snow? 

It's really not that bad.  I bought some orange juice.  That always makes me feel good in the morning. 

I also brought some extra food.  You ALWAYS bring extra food for sleepovers! 

You never know what's going to happen!  An extra tin of dried fruit and nuts can go a LONG way!

Since I was the only one at the sleepover, it went a really long way.  That was good.

Since I was the only one at the sleepover, nobody did my hair and nails.  That was bad. 

Maybe next time.

I'm off to fluff up the table.

Enjoy Everything.


Tuesday, January 11, 2011

textile fibers of unknown kind

That's what my chair pillow says.  I think it's a chair pillow.  It also says that it is a "Vintage Borst."  It's one of those pillows that you can put on a bed and it has a soft back and two arm rests. 

Whatever it's called, I don't know what's IN the pillow.  It says "Filling: Textile fibers of unknown kind." 

Really?!  You don't know what's in my pillow!  What if they are fibers from a radioactive alien plant?!  They should put that on the label!  I'm allergic to radioactive alien plants! 

Luckily, by law, they have to tell me that they filled it with stuff.  They don't HAVE to specify the stuff.  They just have to tell me that they put stuff in the pillow.  Any stuff that they could find on the floor.  Or in the walls.  Insulation, maybe.  Who knows! 

I'd rather have it filled with candy.  Soft candy.

Even "candy of unknown kind" would be okay.  I'm flexible.

I'm off to textile fibers.

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, January 10, 2011

ninja bird vs. pirate panda

Okay, so I don't actually have any pirate pandas.  Nor do I have any ninja birds.  BUT!  That's only because they are extinct!  The birds, I mean. 

Scientists have found the bones for an extinct bird in Jamaica that would whip its wings around like nunchaku. 

So making a giant leap to a dramatic conclusion, these ninja birds fought evil pirate pandas to protect Jamaica from invasion.  Since pirate pandas like invading things. 

If you were planning a trip to Jamaica 10,000 years ago, you might want to have thought again.  In the first place, time travel is still a little shaky.  Secondly, you don't want to get attacked by ninja birds.

Ninja birds also protect the space-time continuum from time travelers like you. 

And you might look like a panda.  If you're like me, you will always wear your panda suit when you travel.  Especially for time travel. 

Other animals are extinct, too.  Like dinosaurs.  They didn't need to learn the ancient art of ninjutsu.  They were pretty huge, so really, they could just step on you. 

If a Stegosaurus DID learn martial arts, it could probably mess you up! 

Here's today's lesson: Don't travel back in time.  Ninja animals might attack you.  It's not worth it.  Unless expedia has a REALLY cheap price.  Then it might be cool. 

I'm off to nunchaku.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, January 7, 2011

so comfortable, you can wear them anywhere

Jeggings have become very popular these days.  I'm not sure why, but they have. 

If you don't know, jeggings are leggings that look like tight jeans.  They have a denim color and jeany look. 

But if you think jeggings are TOO leggingly for you, why not try Pajama Jeans!

That's right!  They LOOK like jeans, but FEEL like soft pajamas!  You will wear them around the house.  When you're traveling.  For a night out on the town.  And STILL want to wear them to bed! 

It's true!  And I want a pair.  Who wouldn't want to wear pajama pants all day?  Especially ones that will make my behind look fabulous! 

Oh, and even better, it comes with a FREE t-shirt.  Perfect for that "jeans and t-shirt" look. 

If you don't like this idea, go buy a Big Top Cupcake instead. 

OH!  I totally forgot to tell you!  I saw a shooting star the other day!  It was so cool!  It was all like, "Pshhhhh!  Fwoosh!"

I made a wish that I could find a pair of jeans that felt like pajamas.

My wish came true.  No need to thank me.

I'm off to put on pajama jeans.

Enjoy Everything.


Thursday, January 6, 2011

sorry green, it's time for some space

Do you have a favorite color?  I think a lot of people do.  What's your favorite?  Is it one of the primary colors?  Maybe a secondary color?  Perhaps a quintary color?

Whatever it is, is it the same as it was ten years ago? 

I've been a hardcore fan of green for most of my life.  ALWAYS loved it.  But I think I'm falling in love with purple.

I have NO idea how this happened, but it's been calling to me. 

Every time I see some purple clothes, I kinda want them.  But I know that I only look good ("look good" is a little strong, "don't look horrible" might be better) in one color: black.  So, I don't buy the purple, but I still WANT the purple.

Green is still nice, but purple is really stepping up its game. 

I didn't know you could change your favorite color.  I thought I was going to stick with green my whole life.  We had a lot of good times together.

If I can find a green and purple suit, maybe that will make both of my colors happy.

I will also look like The Joker. 

So, that's a plus. 

I'm off to color it purple.

Enjoy Everything.


Tuesday, January 4, 2011

welcome to the tri-state area of big ugly

During my time away from work, I did a lot of things.  One of those lot was trying to find the town of Danville in a tri-state area. 

If you watch "Phineas and Ferb" on Disney, then you know what I'm talking about (and get my jokes).  They live in Danville.  I was curious where it might be.

I found out.  Sort of.  There are a bunch of Danvilles in the U.S., but none of them are close to a tri-state location.  A few are kinda bi-statey.  One is even bi-country!  Thank you, Washington! 

I also found out that Danville, WV isn't far from the Big Ugly Hunting Area! 

I thought that was quite insulting for a hunting area, but it only got that name from the Big Ugly Creek.  An early settler, possibly insecure, saw the creek many years ago and thought it was less than pretty.  So, they called it a Big Ugly Creek.  And that name stuck with it. 

So now you can go to the Big Ugly Wildlife Management Area.  Enjoy some Big Ugly scenery.  Then top it off with a Big Ugly dinner! 

That is, if you want to have a full-on Big Ugly vacation.  And who doesn't!? 

That is what I do with my free time.  Aren't you jealous.

I'm off to...hey, where's Perry?

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, January 3, 2011

shop 'til the ball drops

Would you like to shop at a store and not have to worry about other shoppers?  At all? 

Then you should go shopping on New Year's Eve! 

I did!  I know, you were probably at some party or doing some sort of celebration.  But, while you were whooping it up, I was out buying underwear on clearance! 

And YOU missed out on those deals!  Because you were too busy having fun! 

Let ME tell you about fun.  Being able to shop with NOBODY around.  Stores are open on New Year's Eve.  And they are fabulous. 

I wish I could do all my shopping for the year on the previous year's eve because it would be so easy.  And the poor kids who have to work that night would just LOVE to ring up a billion dollars worth of toilet paper. 

I did not do that.  I wasn't ready for it.  But the last day of this year?  You WILL see me shopping EVERYWHERE.  I will fill up a bunch of carts with everything I need.  Rent a moving van.  Fill it up.  Then go home and resolute to not shop for another year! 

I will also resolute to plant a sunflower.  But that's because they are pretty. 

I'm off to work on my yearly shopping list.

Enjoy Everything.