Thursday, September 30, 2010

of poets and pirates

The other day I was talking about high schools having tough names for their sports teams. The Lilac Lassies turned out to be fairies. Well, tough representatives of fairies, at least.

Luckily, I found some more fun high school team names to tell you about!

Johnson High School has the Atom Smashers! How cool is that? Do you know how hard it is to smash an atom? It's hard. I tried to do it with a hammer the other day, but it wouldn't smash. So I ate a pistachio instead.

Williamsport, Pennsylvania has the Millionaires. While they might not SOUND scary, they can hire people to scare you. With all their monies. Or they could convert their millions into quarter rolls and throw those at you. Those things hurt like the dickens.

What is the "dickens," anyway? Should a team be called The Dickens?

While not "The Dickens," Sidney Lanier High is also literary. They are THE POETS! That's write! The Poets! They'll quill you into submission! The pen is mightier than the sword. When it's a laser-pen! Or a poison-tipped pen-sword!

I hear their cheerleaders write great cheers, but only English Majors get the insults to the other team.

I'm off to brush up on my Frost insults.

Enjoy Everything.


Tuesday, September 28, 2010

the fighting fairies

I was driving around New Hampshire this weekend and came across West Canaan. I didn't actually stop there, but the town seemed pretty cool. Then I saw their sports team. The Lilac Lassies.

What does that mean?! That doesn't sound mean at all! I thought team names were supposed to be tough! Or at least have some sort of animal that can attack in SOME way.

WELL! Lilac Lassie is a pattern for a fairy. I guess there are different types of fairies. And they all have different designs. Lilac Lassie is one of them.

Fairies are pretty awesome, but they are usually sweet and don't attack people.

Unless you're a Lilac Lassie from West Canaan! Those fairies know how to BRING IT!

I wouldn't mess with them. They actually picked my car up while I was driving through West Canaan. And not with magic, either. They only used their crazy muscles to do it. It was awesome!

So next time you have to play against a team of fairies, watch out! They'll probably take you down AND make fun of you. They are RUTHLESS.

They also carry large bludgeoning tools. So...yeah...they'll knock you out.

I'm off to find a fairy.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, September 24, 2010

salmon: genetically modified for your enjoyment

Whoa! Big debate about genetically modified salmon!

Who wouldn't want a bigger salmon? Heck, why stop there?! Let's give those salmon bionic fins! Then they'll be able to swim faster than a minnow on a sugar high!

Minnows swim pretty quickly. Or so I've heard. When I said it.

So maybe genetically modified food isn't a great idea. What if, mayhap, the salmon brain grows bigger as well? Then these genius salmon might start outsmarting bears. THEN start outsmarting humans. THEN learn how to breathe in space! THEN TAKE OVER THE UNIVERSE!

See...scientists don't think of these things when creating havoc with a very fragile ecosystem.

Now, if they were able to genetically modify clouds so that rain turns into caramel before it hits the ground, I would say, "Let's get all havocy!"

Not everything is bad for the ecosystem. Especially caramel.

I'm off to get genetically havocked.

Enjoy Everything.


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

right pizza slice for the price

Somebody reads my blog! Cool, right? So, since he openly admitted to reading what I write, I figured it would only be fair to take his idea and write about it.

After ordering a slice of pizza the size of Montana, Marty said that I should write about it and ask, "When does a slice of pizza become more than a slice and is actually a whole pizza?"

Well, a good call would be if the slice IS, in fact, the size of Montana. VERY good call.

Two slices of pizza were ordered. They could only be contained in a full-size pizza box. The slices were each probably about two-thirds of a medium pizza.

So, how big should a slice be before it becomes a pizza? Is there a ratio? NO! A slice SHOULD be as big as you can get it!

If somebody gives you a Pac-Man-shaped segment of a large pizza and calls it a slice, you TAKE that slice and EAT that slice! That's 256 levels of pizza enjoyment! And you can top it with ghosts and cherries!

That's a Pac-Man Pizza I can enjoy!

I'm off to score 3,333,360 points.

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, September 20, 2010

visions of helicopters

I SWEAR I saw a helicopter! I know it! But nobody else has.

Have you seen any helicopters lately? I mean it. I'm confused. I would see it while I was driving or walking or something, then it would go behind some trees and then I wouldn't see it again for a few hours. Then it would come back! Then vanish again!

This has happened a few times over the past week, and seriously, I think I'm seeing things. I don't even hear it! I just see it!

I may need help. And what does that even mean? Visions of helicopters? Granted, helicopters are cool, but why can't I have visions of ninjas or rainbows or glitter-puppies?

Maybe it's trying to tell me something. Like, "it's time to fly away by spinning around really fast."

I hear that a lot. I also get dizzy a lot.

I'm off to find a helicopter.

Enjoy Everything.


Thursday, September 16, 2010

whipple it

I was changing the roll of toilet paper in the bathroom and noticed that the tube had a date stamped inside of it. Nothing else. Not a "best if used by" or a "manufactured on" stamp. Just a date.

Is that an expiration date? Can toilet paper expire?

There isn't a lot of information on this, but the general consensus is that it can lose some of its softness. So...I guess it's kinda like stale bread?

Huh. I guess you should squeeze your toilet paper every once in a while to make sure it's still fresh. I recall Charmin had a guy who did this. Mr. Whipple.

Whipple is a funny word. I wish I could figure out some way to use it all the time. Like, "I'll have that done in a whipple!"

Or, "Easy as whipple!"

Whipple! Hee hee.

I'm off to whipple my day.

Enjoy Everything.


Wednesday, September 15, 2010

dreaming of bobby mcferrin

Wow! Did I remember a dream from last night? Yes I did!

I was on a mission. I don't remember what the mission was, but I remember being on a mission. And that mission took me to my childhood home.

I transported myself there, because I have the power of my dreams.

I went into the house and found Bobby McFerrin giving singing lessons! YES! Bobby McFerrin lives in my house! Well, not my house, but the house my parents owned when I was younger. So it's kinda my house.

But, due to the great acoustics of my childhood home, Bobby McFerrin made it into a recording studio and vocal education center!

Things get a little hazy after that. But I remember I was on a stage with Bobby McFerrin and I walked off. I was only on stage for a second. I don't remember doing anything. Just walking off.

Then I bumped into my friend Kevin. Kevin from high school, not college-Kevin. Sorry college-Kevin, you were not in this dream. But I do think of you when I'm awake, if that makes you feel any better.

Kevin, from high school, and I talked for a few minutes. Then I walked out of the auditorium and stood next to the bus with all the kids in band. I think they were in band. There were band instruments there. Tubas and the like.

And then I woke up. That was it.

I think it means something. Maybe I am supposed to get the power of teleportation! That would be cool.

I'm off to worry not and be happy.

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, September 13, 2010

computer attack

Soooooooo...this weekend, my computer was assaulted by a virus. It was awful!

All I did was click on a story on Yahoo and everything went crazy!

So, I hired a ragtag group of mercenaries who fought the virus. I think they are still fighting it today.

The mercs came highly recommended. They have Rock, the muscle; Pierre, the ladies man; Ninja, the tech guy; and Tech, the highly trained assassin.

Those are their actual birth names. Except for Pierre. I hear his name is really Jordan.

Anyway, they are fighting the virus with lasers and stuff. That should do the trick. We'll find out later today.

If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire my anti-virus team.

They wanted to be the A.V.-Team, but they don't know much about audio or visual.

I'm off to fix my computer.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, September 10, 2010

wild potato

I've RAVED about Ketchup Potato Chips in the past. And for good reason. They taste like awesome.

Unfortunately, they're hard to find in the U.S. In Canada, you can't toss a hockey stick without hitting a few bags of Ketchup-Flavored potato chips.

But China has the REAL treasure! They have flavors like Blueberry, Lemon Tea, and Cucumber!

They even have flavors unknown to me! French Chicken, Hot and Sour Fish Soup, and Numb and Spicy Hot Pot!

What are those?! What's the difference between chicken and French chicken? What does "Numb and Spicy Hot Pot" even mean?!

It sounds fantastic! Why do we, in the U.S., get so little variety in our chips? I don't get it. We need some new flavors! Food is so boring here. Let's spice it up a bit!

OR! Let's numb and spice it up a bit!

Do you go numb? Would you just collapse after eating a bag? It sounds so fun! I need to try some!

I'm off to get numb and spicy.

Enjoy Everything.


Wednesday, September 8, 2010

camel problem

Australia has a camel problem. It's true! They are everywhere! And they seem to be causing all sorts of damage!

It is actually the world's "largest feral camel population." (feral camel is fun to say!) Yep. In Australia! And you thought they only had kangaroos!

So Australians are trying to get rid of the feral camel. Some ways are not so nice, but other ways are VERY nice! Like exporting them to other countries!

Camels could become a huge export for Australia. YES AUSTRALIA! Home of the koala!

I couldn't believe it, either!

Other countries love camels, so it's a good way to get them out of Australia.

Camels are good for lots of things. Like riding, um...and other stuff!

That should be their slogan. "Camels! Good for riding! AND OTHER STUFF!"

You better get your camel now before they sell out! We'll even give you a camel accessory kit FREE! And a koala!

Order you camel today!

Okay...I'm off to get my own camel and koala.

Enjoy Everything.


Tuesday, September 7, 2010


Have you ever had a pistachio? They're pretty good. I bought a bag for the first time the other day. I don't remember ever having them before. They may have popped up in some pie or cake or ketchup I ate, but I never specifically bought solo pistachios.

Why is it so popular to buy them STILL in the shell?! I don't get it. The only other nut that seems to come shelled is the peanut. And I don't think the peanut is really a nut. It's more of a legume where the pistachio is the "seed of a thin-shelled drupe."

I put that in quotes because I had to steal the info from the online world.

Do people like wasting valuable eating time opening the pistachio? Wouldn't you rather just eat it? Why do all that work?

I don't know why people would do that. I DO know that pistachios are good.

I also now know that the horse-chestnut is an "inedible capsule."

The things you can learn in life!

I think I will buy more pistachios. Even if they come in shells. Some guy once did a study saying that the shell was good because it made you eat fewer pistachios since you had to work so hard at it.

He never watched me eat before. The bag said 20 servings. I did it in 3.

I also I like cashews a lot.

I'm off to buy more nuts.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, September 3, 2010

right brush

I have to use my right hand to brush my teeth. Can you brush with either hand? Ambibrushtrous?

I didn't realize this until last night. I just automatically brushed with my right hand.

I tried to use my left hand and my mouth was not happy with that. The brush was just banging around all willy-nilly. I actually ended up with the brush part in my hand and the nubby end whacking my gums.

It kinda hurts. I'm sure my dentist would not want to know that I did that.

It would be great if I could brush with both hands. Then I could brush with my left hand and type things with my right hand.

Words like Polk, jump, lip, milk, etc.

Well, not "etc," that's all lefty. But you get the idea.

Polk was a great president. He liked to jump. He had lips. He enjoyed milk. All things you can type with your right hand!

I'm off to jump milk lip Polk.

Enjoy Everything.


Wednesday, September 1, 2010

of the month club

Have you ever been a part of an "Of The Month" club? I haven't, but I should. There is a PB&J of the Month Club! That sounds yummy! You get different peanut butter and different jelly every month.

That MIGHT sound awesome, BUT there is also a Black Socks of the Month Club! These folks will send you a new pair of black socks every month! You NEVER have to worry about going out for socks again!

You know what I need? An Underwear of the Month Club. Well, maybe not. That's a LOT of underwear. I did not know this, but underwear does NOT last forever. It starts falling apart after a while.

Unfortunately, finding new underwear is harder than it sounds. Underwear must be out of season, because I really can't find any good quality undies. I bought some Hanes because they SOUND like a good name. But they got holes already. I only had them for about two weeks.

Maybe underwear is fresher in the spring? I don't know.

I DO know that I just talked about underwear, socks and peanut butter for the last few minutes. I bet THAT makes your day a little better/weirder.

Sorry about that.

I'm off to see if my socks came in.

Enjoy Everything.