Thursday, May 27, 2010

death laser

I don't know much about Buddhists, but they sure know how to rock. At least, they do in Singapore.

When you die, they will put your remains in an urn and have a LASER LIGHT SHOW!

That's totally awesome. There are smoke-machines and lights and a booming voice chanting comforting words. I don't know if they have strobe lights, but they should. That would be cool.

When I was a kid, my friend had a strobe light. It was fun.

When I die, I would like a strobe light. And a fountain. Because water looks cool with a strobe. You can see the droplets and stuff.

And if we can work the lasers and fog-machine into it, I would appreciate that.

I'm off to Singapore.

Enjoy Everything.


Wednesday, May 26, 2010


Have you ever gotten an MRI? It's tingly. I liked it! I got to go last night. That's right. NIGHT! MRI's are so cool that they do them until 11pm! That's what they told me!

The machine is all loud and stuff. BUT! To make you feel better, they give you headphones. AND you can pick music! There were some good options. I decided to go with Bach. I thought some Bach might relax me. I wasn't nervous, but I was tired, so I figured I could sleep through the process.

Not so. I didn't actually know how loud the machine was until it came on. That baby is LOUD! Luckily, I could hear some Bach in-between KA-CHUNKS. And trust me, you've never heard a Brandenburg Concerto until you've heard it done on the steel drums!

I really wasn't expecting that. The music sheet just said "Bach - Variations". I didn't know that it would be so variated.

Sadly, there were no accidents or chemical spills giving me super powers. Unless I don't know it yet. I'll keep you posted.

I'm off to test my super powers.

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, May 24, 2010


Do you have bathrooms at work? I do. They're nice. They have toilets and sinks and stuff. It does the job. We also have waterless urinals. I know you probably don't want to hear about this, but I really have to tell you.

There are two of them and they look like regular urinals except for the missing flusher-handle. It's a hole in the wall, basically.

Today, I went to the bathroom and saw a sign on one of them saying "Out of Order." Now, I'm a little confused. The hole was still there. There are no mechanics that were "in" order last week. There is nothing "order" about it! It's a hole! How does a hole break? How do you even find out that a hole is out of order?!

Since you probably don't want to hear about bathrooms all day, I'll end with this.

Cotton candy.

Better? Good.

I'm off to candy my cotton...or cotton my candy, maybe?

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, May 21, 2010

oil and water

BP has admitted that they may have been a little off with their estimates of oil leakage. They thought it was about five thousand barrels a day. Turns out, it could be between 25 to 100 thousand barrels a day.

That's a lot of oil. And a HUGE difference! How do you miss that? That's like the difference between a paper cut and a lost limb!

"Whoa! Jane! You're bleeding everywhere!"

"'s just a paper cut."

"Are you sure?! You're missing an arm!"

"What? I made a pretty good assessment of the situation. I think I'm good."


"I think you're being a little drama-HOLY OWL FEATHERS! I'M MISSING AN ARM!"


The thud is Jane collapsing from blood loss. And that's what happens when you don't tell the truth about oil leakage.

You know what would be good? 100 thousand barrels of apple sauce. The yummy kind with cinnamon! I wish that would leak into the ocean. Then the fish would eat it. And fish would taste like apples. Instead of gross.

I'm off to put on some bandages.

Enjoy Everything.


Wednesday, May 19, 2010

laundry quirk

I noticed something yesterday. When I do laundry, I use two machines. I always put the whites in the left machine and the colors in the right machine. I didn't realize I did that until I put a towel in the right machine and IMMEDIATELY took it out and started over by putting it in the left machine.

Wow. Sometimes you're obsessive about something and you don't even know it! Crazy, right? I think I've been doing it that way for years. I don't know how that started, but I can't do it any other way!

It's the opposite sides for the dryer, too. Colors in left and whites in right.

Unless that lady is there who steals all the machines except one. Then I don't know what to do.

Are you like that with anything?

Oh, this morning, I was looking to grab my glasses out of my bag and I accidentally picked up my banana. I looked at it for a second and thought, "that's not a pair of glasses."

I realized it was a banana and put it back. I am now wearing my glasses. I did think the phrase "banana glasses" was funny...sort of.

I'm off to put on some banana glasses.

Enjoy Everything.


Tuesday, May 18, 2010

more studies

At first I thought people just created studies to make headlines. I forgot about the people who like to laugh at babies.

Scientists wanted to see if babies could learn in their sleep. To do this, they would play a tone and then blow a puff of air on their faces. The babies replied with a scrunched-up face. Mostly because some jerk was shooting them with an air gun.

Then, they started playing the tone without the puff of air. Wouldn't you know it, the babies still scrunched their faces. Probably because they were afraid some jerk was going to shoot them with an air gun.

They did this to study developmental disorders. I think I know one. When these babies grow up, they'll hear this tone and scrunch their face! And everybody will make fun of them!

Not cool, scientists. Sure, it's fun to make fun babies, but you don't want to scar them for life. At least wait until puberty for the real mental torture.

That's how it was for me. It's just nature's way.

I'm off to therapy.

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, May 17, 2010

study the facts

Another study about cell phones causing cancer has found that...they don't know yet. Inconclusive!

Also, there is a study that found that pesticides in food COULD be the cause of ADHD. Of course, the study couldn't PROVE it.

Sometimes I feel like people are just making things up. I can't prove things all the time! I can't not disprove things all the time, too!

I think the rotation of the earth gives people headaches. It's true! Ask anybody. Have they ever gotten a headache? Is the earth rotating??? YES! Can you disprove my theory?

No. You cannot. I dare you to try.

And that is why I am a scientist. And an astronaut. And a dinosaur hunter. Like...Dr. Captain Jurassic Blastoff, M.D. That is my new name.

I'm off to hunt for dinosaurs.

Enjoy Everything.


Thursday, May 13, 2010

hole in space

There is a hole in space. And nobody seems too worried about it.

At first, scientists were pretty cool with it. They thought it might be a very dense cloud and infrared light would see through it. No such luck. It's just a hole. In space.

So far the hole doesn't seem to be causing any problems. But, you gotta wonder...what kind of weapon can blow a hole in space?

Not one that I would like to meet! What if giant, alien caterpillars have giant space-penetrating guns?! Shouldn't we be a little worried about that?!

Just because it doesn't seem likely, doesn't mean it isn't true. I hit a nail into a piece of wood once. That's kinda the same thing. Except bigger nails.

Don't believe me? It's true. I even bought a hammer for it. I used to use random blunt objects, but I've gotten so good at building things that I figured I would get a hammer. I'm pretty handy with it.

Fine. Don't believe me. See if I fix your space-hole problem.

I'm off to build a spice rack.

Enjoy Everything.


Tuesday, May 11, 2010

more mother's day

Just when I thought I knew EVERYTHING about Mother's Day, Peru throws me a curve ball. Or an uppercut.

In Peru, Mom's celebrated their day by boxing. Yep, ten moms put on the gloves and got into the ring.

That's pretty awesome. As a kid, don't you wish you saw your mom do some more boxing? I know I did, but my mom retired her gloves after I was born. Yep. It's a good thing she wasn't in Peru. She would have schooled them all.

My mom trained with the best: Evander Holyfield, George Foreman, Bruce Lee, Iron Fist, and even Batman. So, you know, she's pretty tough.

My mom can also fly. But she doesn't fly when she's boxing. She's not a cheater.

Can your mom box? That would be cool if she did. Maybe my mom will come out of retirement someday.

But maybe not. She's kind of a mahjong champ these days.

I'm off to fly like a butterfly.

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, May 10, 2010

mother's day

It is Mother's Day in Mexico today. Or, if you prefer, Dia de las Madres.

Did you ever notice that holidays in the North American countries seem to be a day or so off from each other? Why do Canada, The U.S., and Mexico do that?

Could we not agree on the day? I guess it's not really a big deal. I just thought it would be fun to celebrate together.

If you live in the States, do you celebrate Mother's Day today even if you are originally from Mexico? Or, do you celebrate the U.S. version?

What if your mom moved to Utah from Mexico? Do you call her today? Will she be upset that you didn't call yesterday? Do you have to call BOTH days?

There are a lot of unanswered questions. The most important question I have is this: Why isn't Iron Man 2 in 3D?! Seriously?! You couldn't have done that for me?!

I ask for so little in life. Whatever. I'll still see it. But I WON'T like it.

I'm off to Utah.

Enjoy Everything.


Thursday, May 6, 2010

breakfast alive

I want Frosted Mini-Wheats that talk to me. Like in that commercial when they help that kid study for a test. They are so funny!

I love the very end when the one Mini-Wheat is marching away in his little revolutionary outfit!

Sometimes I do the march, too. I think I will be a "Mini-Wheat marching to battle" for halloween. Or tomorrow. Whenever.

I kinda want food to talk to me. But it might make it harder to eat. So, maybe if food just had an entertaining representative? I don't know.

It's a tough decision.

It would be cool if bananas were ninjas. Or maybe not. I like bananas and ninjas are impossible to find.

Huh. Life IS complicated, isn't it?

OH! I've heard Rice Krispies talk, but they never say anything important. They're actually kind of boring.

I'm off to find a banana.

Enjoy Everything.


Tuesday, May 4, 2010

rice cooker

What is a rice cooker? I could look it up, but I'm too lazy. Does it just cook rice? Why would I buy something that ONLY cooks rice?

I guess if I didn't have a stove or a microwave, and I REALLY loved rice, I might buy one. But then I would have to eat rice all the time.

Can't you just cook rice in a pot or a pan? Or in a small microwavable pouch?

I don't know. I mean, rice is nice, but it's just a grain.

You know what I WOULD like? Something that makes apples and peanut butter! I'm addicted to it! But it's so much work. I have to cut the apple AND scoop the peanut butter. If they made some "cooker" that did all that work for me, I would be happy.

Happy like an apple.

I'm off to rice my cooker.

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, May 3, 2010

the toothpaste troubles

Have you ever had toothpaste troubles? Sometimes they make it so hard for me to find a good, solid paste.

It's just CRAZY what they'll sell! I bought one for sensitive teeth and it's TOTALLY drippy! I don't know how it happened, but I would brush with it and it would just start pouring out of my mouth like I was a rabid camel!

And yes, I have sensitive teeth. What of it? They're still manly. So manly, that I eat nails. I just have to get a tetanus shot after.

I also bought a paste for teeth whitening :D. See my big emoticon smile there? It's white, right? That's because I LOVE brushing with it! It is NOT drippy at all! It's SUPER FOAMY! It's like a cloud in my mouth! You start brushing and it becomes all puffy!

It's awesome. My manly, yet sensitive, teeth love it.

I'm off to brusha, brusha, brush.

Enjoy Everything.