Friday, October 30, 2009

seven feet

Strange things are afoot in Canada. There is a beach in Richmond, British Columbia where two men found a sneaker. Inside the sneaker, was a foot. Officials are working on finding the owner of said foot. (Don't they use the metric system there? So shouldn't that be a 30.48 centimeter?)

This is the seventh foot they have found on that beach in the last two years. WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON UP THERE?! Who goes to the beach in Canada in October?! Doesn't winter start in September there?!

I don't know if you believe in Global Warming, but if a Canadian couple can still walk on the beach and find feet at the end of October, I'd say the world is warming up too fast.

I'm off to worry about the ice caps.



Thursday, October 29, 2009

bottled water

Okay, so what is the deal with this Pepsi lawsuit? I just read that Pepsi owes 1.26 million dollars to two guys who claim they invented bottled water and that Pepsi stole the idea.

So, these guys came up with an idea in 1981 for a secret new drink. Then, 15 years later, Pepsi came out with Aquafina. Which, these guys claim, used their secret formula to make millions of dollars.

What secret formula, you ask? Putting water...into a plastic bottle.

WHAT?! Putting water into a bottle is a secret formula?! Are you kidding me?!?!?! I'm pretty sure water was being put into a bottle before Aquafina came out. Why aren't these guys suing Poland Spring as well?! They were doing it before Pepsi!

I can't understand how this even made it to court. And they just decided to sue this year. How did they not notice bottled water for the past 28 years?

I…I'm just...I am so confused by this.

I'm off to drink water from the hose. I don't want to get sued.



Wednesday, October 28, 2009

golden goblets of chocolate

Today is National Chocolate Day. Well, one of them, at least. It is also National Chocolate Day on December 28 and December 29. Then, it's National Milk Chocolate Day on July 28. Finally! It is National Chocolate week in March.

So, you have plenty of times to celebrate chocolate! If you weren't doing it already.

Doing some research on chocolate, I found out that the Aztec Emperor Montezuma drank 50 golden goblets of hot chocolate every morning. It was thick, dyed red and flavored with chili peppers. I don't know what they used for the red dye, but with that much chocolate in his system, it probably doesn't matter.

Why am I not drinking that every morning! That sounds like the greatest breakfast ever! Heck, I would be happy with one golden goblet with coffee. THAT would be awesome! How cool would I look drinking my beverage from a golden goblet?

"Get me my golden goblet, puny underling! I require gallons of hot chocolate in my system!"

"Sire, don't you think that is a little too much chocolate in the morning?"

"Don't you think you should get me my chocolate before I throw you into the pit of lions and sharp objects?!"

"Yes, sire."

Of course, those who serve me well will be rewarded with lavish gifts. Like hugs. And maybe a bowl of oatmeal with cinnamon...mmmm...

I'm off to chug my chocolate.



Monday, October 26, 2009

sick kids

I just read a study that said 1 in 5 kids do not get enough vitamin D. I also read that 1 in 5 kids DO have the swine flu.

Anybody else see the coincidence?

That's right. Stay away from kids. You might get the flu. Or you might not get enough vitamin D. Just hanging out with kids might suck the vitamin D right out of you.

They're like vitamin D vampires. (Get it? Because you need sunlight to create vitamin D and vampires can't go out into the sun! I wasn't sure if you'd get that joke. But it is funny, isn't it?)

Who cares about vitamin D, you ask? Ducks dancing daintily to Debussy do. That is why you see them in the sun getting their vitamin D. So they can dance.

They also put their drinks on a doily. And dangle drapes to decorate dens.

Sometimes they also quack. I mean, they are ducks after all. So, what do you expect?

I'm off to dance daintily.



Friday, October 23, 2009

what does that mean

Dick Cheney talks a lot. Unfortunately, you can't always understand what he's saying.

Most recently, he said that Obama was dithering. Yes, the White House is dithering on Afghanistan. Now, when I say the phrase, "I'm dithering on Afghanistan," I'm pretty sure I'm thinking it means something that it doesn't really mean.

It turns out "dithering" is acting irresolutely or trembling with excitement. I don't really know what Cheney meant when he said "dithering," but I'm pretty sure 97% of the population has never heard that word before. I know I never have. Not even in passing.

I thought he made it up. You know, like when old people say cute things about babies. "Awww...She's so cute! Look how she crawls all wiggly, tiggly, tithery, dithery-doo!"

I swear I heard some old guy say that about a baby the other day. Even though I just said I never heard the word dither before. I meant that I never heard it before the old guy the other day.

I don't really care what your opinion is on Afghanistan, but if you're going to argue for your side, please use real words.

Or not. It might be funnier if you don't. I can dither that.

I'm off to dither all by myself.



Thursday, October 22, 2009


A friend of mine got a coupon. I guess there is a store that will "reward" you for shopping with them. If you scan the card, they'll give you points and stuff. Finally, after you get some points, you can get a coupon.

But not just ANY coupon! A coupon good for one of two things! That's right, you get to CHOOSE what you want!

Her choice? A disposable toothbrush or chocolate. Seriously. That's what they give you.

WHAT?! That's not a choice! That's a desperate plea to get rid of disposable toothbrushers!

I think next month the coupon will be for a free punch in the gut or a pillow. Maybe after that they'll give you the choice of nail clippers or your very own cloud that you can ride around the world! How about the option of window cleaner or a suit made of cotton balls?!

Actually, my windows are kinda dirty, so that might be a tough one.

I'm off to brush my disposable teeth.



Monday, October 19, 2009

big oops

Have you ever caused a spill in a store? I did this weekend. Shower cleaner. Which, to me, is just fine because the floor is made from tile, so I did kinda just clean their floors.

Your welcome.

I felt sorry for the poor kid who had to clean up my mess. I would have done it, but it turns out that's not allowed. Apparently you can't open a package of paper towels and say you spilled them too. For some reason they don't believe that story.

At least I spilled something clean and not something stinky like baby food, or chili, or salsa, or soup. Or some combination of those things. Now THAT would have been a messy mess!

My advice to you is to spill something that is easy to clean up. Like toilet paper. Or a birthday card.

I'm off to clean my mess.



Friday, October 16, 2009

new name

So, some guy in Minnesota stole fishnet stockings and some DVDs from a store. Big deal, right? That happens every day in Minnesota. I mean, if guys aren't wearing fishnet stockings in Minnesota, they're eating sugar beets, you know?

The interesting part of this story is that the suspect's name is Spiral Lightninghawk. WOAH! I would NOT mess with a guy wearing fishnets if he told me his name was Lightninghawk!

Since his name is so cool, I have decided to change my name. I have a few choices. Let me know what you think.

Vertigo Dragonhammer

Thunder Stonebreaker

Typhoon Firetiger

or Princess Pink Fairy Fuzzyglitter.

I'm quite fond of the last one, but they're all pretty tough.

I'm off to grab some fishnets full of sugar beets.



Thursday, October 15, 2009

basic human rights

While our country is wasting time trying to figure out if getting health care is a basic human right, Finland is tackling the real issues.

Broadband Internet.

It is now LAW in Finland that everybody in the country must be given access to broadband internet. It is, in fact, a basic human go online.

And I couldn't agree more.

I have decided to root for this new government health care because that will get us one step closer to government mandated internet access.

Think of the utopia we would achieve! Everybody could find my wishlist on Amazon! I have, like, ten pages of stuff I want! (And I have it organized by priority, so please go with the highest priority first. Thank you.)

Since everybody in Finland will be online, we'll be able to chat with them about Finnish rock band Apocalyptica. Or converse about Linus Torvalds brilliant Linux OS.

Finally, after all that wonderful conversation, we'll wind down with a Runeberg tart and talk about Pesapallo.

Oh the Finnish times we'll have. ( Editor’s note: Jokes are funnier when accompanied with the Finland Wikipedia page...we think.)

I'm off to Finnish what I started. (Okay, so that joke is funny AND you don't have to look anything up!)



Monday, October 12, 2009

alfred nobel

Alfred Nobel gives out peace prizes. Well, he doesn't, but some guy named Thorbjoern (which I pronounce "Thor-burn") Jagland does in Al's honor.

I have learned two things from reading the news this weekend.

1. President Obama got the Nobel Peace Prize

2. Norwegians have really cool names. I would NOT mess with somebody named Thorbjoern Jagland.

Some people are a little upset with Obama getting the Nobel Peace Prize because it is based on his dream of peace and not any actual peace happenings.

The Republican party has even joked that he won it "for awesomeness."

To which I say, "Awesomeness is no joke!"

Now, I don't really care that he got the prize. I AM upset that they do NOT have a Nobel Awesome Prize. And slightly more upset that I haven't gotten it yet.

Finally, if the Peace Prize represents the Awesome Prize, then I SHOULD have gotten it. Dermatologists everywhere agree (even though I didn't really ask them) that my awesomeness has created world peace. Take that, Thorbjoern.

I'm off to claim my Nobel.



Wednesday, October 7, 2009

my house

If you think teachers have a good deal getting weekends and summers off, wait until you hear about this! The House of Representatives works only three days a week!

It's true! Their average work week starts on Tuesday night at 6:30pm and goes until Thursday night. No specific time, just when the work gets done. Which is usually before Grey's Anatomy comes on. The HoR's love that Izzie.

But really, who doesn't.

I'm thinking of getting into the house. I have your best interests at heart. I would encourage you to work multiple jobs so you can buy food while I enjoy my four-day weekend. Since you won't have time for vacation, I will go on a cruise in your place. In a way, I will "represent" you on the cruise. Nice, right?

Now, don't think I won't work hard for those other three days. I will probably tweet about our arguments on twitter. I will also be your neighbor on Farmville. While they filibuster, I'll scare crows off your farm.

Vote me in now. I don't really know when the House needs new people, but write some letters to congress and maybe they'll let me in.

Before Thanksgiving would be nice. I need some extra time for xmas shopping.

I'm off to find a political party.



Tuesday, October 6, 2009

people get paid for this?

The Federal Trade Commission told me that I have to disclose whether or not I have been compensated for things said on my blog. Yes, some people get free stuff for writing about it on their blogs. Now the government wants to know about it.

At this moment, I have not been paid, in any form, by the Candy Association, The Unicorn Society or the Totally Awesome Ninja Group.

Today's blog, being a legal document (because I said so), is my only notice that I will review whatever I want and say whatever I want (mostly about candy) without getting any sort of compensation for it. If I do, in fact, get something from a company that wants me to review it, I will say that they gave me their product to review.

For example, if the government sends me money to "test" out, I will inform all of you that the government sent me money. I will also give an unbiased review of the money they sent me. Maybe it was good money (like many $100 bills) or maybe it was bad money (like a few $1 bills), but either way, I will let you know who sent it to me. And I will tell you what I bought.

If you didn't get the hint, government, send me money to try. I'm sure people are wondering if it's good or not. I'll even do a taste test and everything. How else will people find out if the dollar tastes better than the euro?

They won't. So send me money.

I'm off to disclose my info.



Monday, October 5, 2009

river of january

Rio de Janeiro will host the 2016 Olympics. I never watch the Olympics, but maybe I will when they go to Rio.

Why? Let me, and their board of tourism, tell you!

It is home to the Copacabana. Granted, we're not talking about the same one north of Havana, BUT it's still pretty cool. Everybody loves Barry Manilow. He is, in fact, the man...ilow.

They have a cable car. Because people love...that...cable stuff.

For the millions of bossa nova fans out there, you could visit the girl from Ipanema.

And! If that's not enough for you! They have the EIGHTH largest library in the world! So, if you've already gone to the first seven, which I'm sure you have, you have to see the eighth! Sure they might have slightly fewer books than the other ones, but where else will you find a first edition Os Lusiadas by Luis de Camoes.

Not in the Library of Congress, I'll tell you that much.

So go to Rio to check out the Olympics. Grab a copy of Os Lusiadas and lay out on the Copacabana. Then watch some people run or something. It'll be a great time.

I'm off to Cidade Maravilhosa.



Friday, October 2, 2009

heaven in dubai

There is a giant mall in Dubai. I don't know where Dubai is, but I'm going to type it into a GPS and find it because they are adding the world's largest candy store to their giant mall.

According to Dubai officials, there is more demand than supply for candy in the region. I had no idea life was so rough there. Perhaps I should send money to Dubai children so they can get candy. For the price of a candy bar a day, I can get a candy bar to a needy child in Dubai every day.

The store will be 10,000 square feet. It will also have a 30-foot tall singing chocolate tree decorated with lollipops. Awesome.

And if you are on the other side of the mall, don't worry, you can still get candy. There will be a car that drives around the mall selling candy. Like a candy car.

So I'm thinking of sneaking into the store and living in the corner. Maybe build up a wall of jelly beans and gummy bears to hide behind. And at night, I'll eat all the candy I can before I collapse in my candy home.

I will also have a pet puma. The puma will be made out of m&ms and licorice. Her name will be Snowflake.

I'm off to Dubai.