Thursday, April 30, 2009

naming your pet

It turns out the United States is boring when it comes to pet names. You will usually see Max or Fluffy or something. Well, in Thailand, they like to go with brand names. I never actually thought about it, but I think it's a fantastic idea.

The top three pet names in Thailand are Pepsi Cola, Corolla and Motorola. They really like the "ola" sound over there.

Some other names they like are Zyrtec, Wolverine and Steam-Fresh. You might think that Wolverine would be my favorite, but it's not. I would have to go with Steam-Fresh. Heck, I wish my name was Steam-Fresh! It sounds so cool! Of course, if you don't want to call me Steam-Fresh, you are allowed to call me Wolverine.

Because Wolverine is awesome.

I don't know why we don't name our pets after companies more often. Who wouldn't want a kitty named Hormel? Perhaps a lizard named Parkay. Maybe you could name your alpaca L'Oreal.

That sounds like a very exotic alpaca. Maybe it's a french alpaca. An alpaca who has seen the world and enjoys fine cuisine. Perhaps your alpaca wears a beret. Not because of its french heritage, but because they're comfortable and functional and your well-traveled alpaca knows about quality headwear.

I might call my pet Happy Cola. I like Happy Cola. If I didn't want to go with a brand name, I would probably call my pet King Leroy the Scandinavian Reporter. You know, to make it sound tough.

I'm off to change my name to Steam-Fresh.



Wednesday, April 29, 2009

happy zipper day!

Today is the birthday of the zipper! You know, that thing that closes up your jeans. Or perhaps closes your jacket.

I also found out what "YKK" means. You probably see that on the zipper tabs. It's actually a really long Japanese name and I don't think I can pronounce it correctly. Even if I tried to write it, I would probably mispronounce it. You can look it up if you want.

The zipper was patented as the "separable fastener" in 1913. Since "separable fastener" wasn't a catchy name, somebody started calling it a zipper.

Oddly enough, people didn't really dig the zipper at first. They just loved their buttons. In 1930, the zipper people spent a lot of money advertising the beauty of their separable fasteners. They probably spent more than $10. Back in 1930, $10 was a LOT of money. That's, like, 10 commercials on American Idol. Back then they had commercials on American Scat.

Scatting was huge in those days. Unfortunately, TV shows were silent, so you couldn't really hear them. You could hear the music if you had somebody playing piano in your home. And then you could read their words because the screen would keep showing you what they said on a cue card that looked all brown.

Watch a silent movie and my joke will be hilarious. Seriously, it's funny if you think about somebody scatting and then it pops up on the screen saying, "Scat bat a ratt tatt a scattery doo!"

I gotta start making jokes for people under 80...

Anyway, the zipper caught on when 1930's Ryan Seacrest started wearing pants with zippers. Before then people would fumble with buttons, which, I guess, were good enough for dress shirts, but too darned complicated for pants.

The 1930's were a strange time.

I'm off to check my separable fastener.



Monday, April 27, 2009

no more rainbows

Last week was an exciting week. For all you folks out there that sit and look at a computer all day, you will appreciate this. I got a bigger computer monitor! I know I talk on the radio, but the majority of my day is looking at a computer screen. And that experience just got gooder.

Now, I won't tell you how I got this larger screen, but trust me, you would have done the same. I'm not sure how much of it was legal, but since nobody noticed"changes"...then I'll just assume that everything is ok.

Now for the bad news. At first, it seemed like this monitor and I were meant for each other. It was bigger AND it had rainbow stickers on it. I'm not kidding. There was a little rainbow on each corner. It was beautiful.

Somebody took away my rainbows. So now I am frowning. Much like a rainbow. I don't know who did it, but hopefully a rainbow will land on their head. And perhaps a heavy cloud as well.

Who would want a world without rainbows?! That's like saying you want a world without air! Or TV! Or penguins! It just doesn't make sense!

It's a sad day for rainbow enthusiasts. And rainbow collectors. They are called arcusologists. Seriously. I may have made it up, but I used a Latin dictionary, so it's probably correct.

I'm off to find rainbow stickers.



Friday, April 24, 2009

it all makes sense

It is often said that crazy people are just smart people that nobody else can understand. Well, keep that in mind when I tell you about this story.

A UFO researcher in Mexico has found out that you don't have to worry about being abducted. Apparently, aliens don't want humans anymore. They want whales and dolphins. And there's a good reason.

Aliens started global warming to make the ocean levels rise. This is good because they are creating dolphin/human hybrids who will be able to live on this flooded planet. I like to call them huphins. Or dolphans...wait...that sounds the same...

I guess they have all the human DNA that they need. Since I have been abducted, they probably have my DNA and I'm being made into a huphin right now. How cool is that? I know, you're jealous.

I wonder if I'll eat fish when I'm a huphin? I don't like fish now, but I might not have a choice. Will I be able to write my blog? Will I have hands or flippers? Can I type with flippers? Can you type with flippers?

If I do become a huphin, I think I will change my name to Sunshine and become the host of a TV show for kids. Or baby dolphins. I guess they call them calves. I will teach calves how to share their fish and not hit each other with their flipper-hands.

It will be very educational. Maybe I'll collect coins, too. Huphins like shiny things.

I'm off to find pants that will fit over a flipper.



Thursday, April 23, 2009

ban comic sans!?

I would type this in comic sans if blogspot let me. I would be doing it in rebellion. It turns out that graphic designers and people obsessed with typography HATE comic sans. Why? They seem to think it's not professional. They also think it is used too often.

Even the creator of comic sans hates it! Mostly because he invented other typefaces that nobody cares about. Like Magpie. He thinks his Magpie type is amazing.

So, there is a website to ban comic sans. Yes, somebody was so upset about the existence of comic sans that they are doing an online petition.

I don't understand the problem. I know it's not professional. I would never write an essay in this font. Who would? If you did, then you probably got a bad grade for it having an awesome font and not looking boring. That's what usually happens. Being awesome gets you bad grades. Trust me.

As you can imagine, I'm quite fond of comic sans. It came from comic books, so how could I NOT love it!?

If they want to ban comic sans, why not ban most fonts out there and just have everybody type in Times New Roman? Why do we need anything else?

If we're going to ban a typeface, why not ban wingdings! I mean, that one doesn't even type out letter! They're just random symbols!

I bet graphic designers want one typeface so they can always look creative using all the others. That's all it really is. They're just lazy. You can argue with me, but if we only had Helvetica, anytime you asked for something special from the arts department, they could whip out some comic sans and you would think they were brilliant!

Not anymore.

I'm off to type in comic sans.



Tuesday, April 21, 2009

watch for flying shoes

Do you remember when Bush was president? I know it was a long time ago, but try to think back. Near the end of his term, somebody threw their shoe at him. Which, in India, is a horrible insult.

Well, India will be holding their general election soon and the politicians are worried about shoe throwers. They are asking for increased security and for people to take their shoes off before a news conference. I know it's pretty offensive, but if that's all they have to worry about in India, then politics is a lot safer over there.

What would candidates be worried about here? Weapons? Maybe guns? I'm sorry India, but if somebody throws a shoe at you because they don't agree with your politics, I would move on!

One of the candidates had a slipper thrown at them. A slipper! I bet they didn't even get a bruise!

I don't really know HOW insulting the shoe-throw is, but it can't be as insulting as an anvil from an anvil-launcher. Or, maybe it can. I don't get to India much, so I really don't know.

And how can you be SURE it's an insult. What if the slipper was thrown by some lady and it had her hotel room number on it. You know...a slipper...wink wink. He should have checked it for her digits.

I guess I would have to grow up in India to understand. If anybody threw a shoe at me, I would just think, "Ooooh, free shoe!" That's the sort of positive spin that folks in India need. I'm just trying to help with world peace and all. World peace also involves pudding. I can't tell you how, yet. It's a surprise.

I'm off to secure my shoes.



Monday, April 20, 2009

free prize inside!

I have a car. It goes vroom. does when I say "VROOOOOOM!" It was in a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I did not buy the CTC, but Amanda did and she let me have the car. That was nice.

Unfortunately, I buy organic and natural cereals. They don't give me free prizes. I even buy the kiddie cereal, sometimes! I love my Kashi, but sometimes I want some Gorilla Crunch, you know what I mean? But even in Gorilla Crunch, which is mostly organic sugar, I don't get a toy!

I think more kids would eat organic cereal if they had toys in there. So I have an idea. Make toys of endangered animals out of recyclable plastic and put them in the boxes! If you already got the Arakan Forest Turtle, just put it into the recycle bin and wait for a Brazilian Merganser. Simple as that!

Granted, my Arakan Forest Turtle doesn't go vroom in the wild...but he does I slide him around the couch!

I'm off to collect some endangered animals before they disappear.



Friday, April 17, 2009

sorry, wrong number

There's nothing really weird today, I just need help.

There's a little problem with my phone number. It's the same number as some guy in Chicago and his grandmother keeps calling me. Ok, so it's not the EXACT number, but it's close. I'm 413 (Springfield) and he's 312, the three digits for Chicago. Can you see the problem?

Unfortunately, his grandmother keeps calling me. It doesn't happen all the time, but it's been fairly regular. Sometimes Grandma calls me two or three times in a row. I keep telling her that she dialed 413 when she means to dial 312.

I could pretend to be Darnell, but I don't really know what he does, so I probably couldn't answer any of Grandma's questions.

I try to be nice. It really doesn't bother me when she calls. It's not like I get a lot of phone calls, so I like the company, but I'm not sure what to do when she leaves me a message. That happened for the first time the other day.

"Darnell? It's Grandma. Call me back, okay?" (say it in an old lady voice...she sounds pretty old)

I don't know if I should call Grandma and say she dialed the wrong number or if I should call Darnell and let him know that Grandma called. I'm a little stressed out about this! What if it's an emergency! Grandma sounds frail!

Should I become friends with Darnell so we can both field calls from Grandma? Should I become friends with Grandma so I get some extra birthday presents?

I don't know what to do! I need your help!

Phew...I need to relax...

I'm off to call Darnell...or Grandma...or not...I'm so confuddled!



Thursday, April 16, 2009

pajama time

According to the pajamagram company, it is "National Wear Your Pajamas To Work Day." I bet ALL of you wore your pajamas to work today. I mean, why wouldn't you? It's a national holiday. I think Obama was hanging around in his footie pajamas while he was talking to Cuba today. It was quite a picture. Cuba was also wearing pajamas. They had kittens on them.

Who could actually wear their pajamas to work and not get fired? I've heard of some silly holidays like Arbor Day and Flag Day, but Pajama Day?

Why isn't there a "Hug Your Computer Day" from Dell? Or maybe a "Lick Your Phone Day" from AT&T? Or a "Sleep On Your Rug Day" from the American Rug Association?

You should have worn my pajamas to work today. You should ALSO have built a rocket ship out of feathers. I bet you didn't do either one of those.

I'm off to put my jammies on.



Wednesday, April 15, 2009

another tax day

Did you do your taxes? If you said no, it's probably best not to worry about it now. I would say forget about it. Of course, my word does not hold up in court, so don't use me as a witness.

Lawyer: Did you tell the defendant that they didn't have to pay their taxes?

Me: I did.

Lawyer: Do you have any authority to do that?

Me: Yes.

Lawyer: Do you also know how to build a log cabin out of peanut butter?

Me: Yes.

Lawyer: LIAR!

Then I would show him my log cabin. Made out of peanut butter. Proving that I am NOT a liar.

Of course, I still have no authority to excuse you from your taxes. But I am a fantastic peanut butter sculptor. I once made an exact replica of Guam. I also ate Guam. It was good.

Maybe next year I'll make a peanut butter tax form. Then I can eat my taxes. With some toast.

I'm off to consult my lawyer.



Tuesday, April 14, 2009

zero calories

A Harvard professor has created a new inhaler to help with your chocolate cravings. He has put chocolate-flavored powder in a tube that you can spray into your mouth. Like an inhaler.

This will, supposedly, make you eat less chocolate. You can get raspberry, mint, mango and plain chocolate. Yum!

I guess it's handy in a medical emergency. If you have chocolate-asthma...chocasthma?

Runner 1: Huff...puff...huff...I need my inhaler. My asthma is acting up...huff...

Runner 2: too...huff...

Runner 1: Puff...I didn't know you had asthma...

Runner 2: I don''s chocolate flavored...

Runner 1: Huff...then why do you need it?

Runner 2: Why do you need yours?

Runner 1: I don't die?

Runner 2: Same here, my friend, same here... *psshhhhh* (chocolate inhaler action) Yeah...that's the stuff...

Would inhaling chocolate make you feel better after a brisk run? Probably not. Will a king size Hershey bar make you feel better after a brisk run? HECK YEAH! Science has proven it! And by science, I mean that I would totally eat a giant Hershey bar after running and love it!

So, if inhaling chocolate is good enough for you, then the product is out there. I don't really see this as working. If I bought a bag of jelly beans and sniffed it all day long, I would have to eat them all by the end of the day. When I say "have" to eat them, I literally mean that I would HAVE to eat them. It would become a law of nature. Like gravity. Or jokes about Canada.

I'm off to inhale my candy.



Friday, April 10, 2009

it's chilly

How are you? Are you cold? I bet you are. The sun just isn't warming you up like it used to, is it? Don't worry, you're not crazy! There have been fewer sunspots in the last year or so and that means that the sun is putting out less energy. And THAT means that the planet is a little bit cooler.

Which is great because of all that global warming! The sun and the earth are working together to give you a more comfortable environment.

Earth: "Hey Sun! It's getting really hot down here! Could you turn it down a notch?!"

Sun: "Can do, Earthy-poo!"

The sun loves to rhyme. It writes poetry all the time. Would you like to hear some?

"I'm the sun and I have fun,
Until the fun is almost done!"

"Wind blows through the air,
It blows around your hair,
Unless your head is bare,
Then you probably don't care!"

And they're all pretty much like that. The sun wrote a poetry book, but it didn't sell too well. It came out the same time that Twilight was booming, so there was a lot of competition. It's a tough market out there.

I'm off to cool down in the sun.



Thursday, April 9, 2009

super dreams

I think I have mentioned in the past that I don't remember my dreams very often. Well, I remember one. It's one that I've had a few times already. I'll tell you what I can remember.

I'm at the mall and I'm Robin. You know, from Batman and Robin. Then an evil robot Robin comes in and starts to fight me! I beat the evil robot Robin and wake up.

That's it. Does anybody have any idea what that means? Am I Robin because I don't think I'm good enough to be Batman? Do I fight myself because of some internal battle...with the evil robot that lives inside of me? I just can't figure it out!

That's all I got for today. I do remember that I used to have a dream years ago that I was Indiana Jones and I had to find the Triforce from "The Legend Of Zelda." Remember that video game for Nintendo? I don't know what that dream meant, but I haven't had that one in years. So, I guess I'm over that.

Why can't I dream of clouds and rainbows and glitter? Why do I have to fight evil robots? I guess robots are pretty cool. Evil ones are even cooler because they have laser guns. The one in my dream shoots that's cool.

I'm off to fight my inner robot demons.



Tuesday, April 7, 2009

comic book geeks: be afraid!

Did you see the hand? It's out there! Look up the "cosmic hand" online and you should find pictures of this thing. Scientists "say" it is a pulsar that is shooting off all sorts of energy and the X-rays that are coming from it look like a hand!

You probably know that this happened once before. In comic books. That is why I am afraid! In Crisis on Infinite Earths the Anti-Monitor (the bad guy) kinda stuck his hand through space-time and made sure Krona (a jerk scientist) saw it and started the destruction of the multiverse.

Are you scared yet? Did you see the cosmic hand?! It's the exact same picture! Now, the image is 17,000 light years away, so the destruction of the multiverse started 17,000 years ago and we're just seeing it now! We won't even know it happened because every universe will be combined into one and we'll think it was always like that! In fact, IT MAY HAVE ALREADY HAPPENED!

Do your parents look the same? Not sure? Probably because they're different. Well, still your parents, but different universe parents merged with your universe parents to make one singular universe parents. Make sense?

Oh, and Supergirl and The Flash die. But they both come back to life, so it's not really a big deal.

I just wanted to warn you. Being a comic book geek allows me special access to all sorts of fake information. You could know all this too, but you'd have to give up being a normal, social human being.

That's the sacrifice I make to inform you all of the cosmic hand.

You’re welcome.

I'm going back to my room to read comic books. I'll warn you when Skrulls start invading.



Monday, April 6, 2009

don't try this at home

If you jump off a wall, umbrellas don't make you fall slower. It happens in cartoons, but not in real life. Trust me. I've tried it.

I saw that in a cartoon this weekend. It was on Kipper. If you watch PBS Kids Sprout, then you know what I'm talking about. I mostly watch preschool television. I like the bright colors.

Now, I know Kipper can get pretty strange because he was flying around with his umbrella and it even got caught on the moon. I'm about 93.6% positive that THAT could never happen. Even if he did manage to escape the Earth's atmosphere by going 11km/s, I would think that after he fell off the moon, he would burn up during re-entry. That did not happen.

That would be scary if it did. This is a cartoon for babies. Babies don't like burning dogs. At least I HOPE they don't. Unless the rocket-babies are fighting an evil dog from the planet Button. Button is a scary planet with evil dogs who want to take over Earth. We don't have to worry about that because of the rocket-babies.

Did you ever try stuff from cartoons? I bet it didn't work.

Kipper also used the umbrella as a boat. I don't think that would work either, but I'm willing to try it. I trust Kipper. Maybe it's the english accent. Maybe it's because he's the dog with the slipper. I don't know.

I'm off to see if Rihanna will let me borrow her umbrella, ella, ella.



Friday, April 3, 2009

rocket-powered babies

So at first, this story seems serious, but if you ignore all the bad stuff, it's actually pretty funny.

Rocket fuel in baby formula. Sounds dangerous, but in my imagination, it sounds awesome. It's probably not good for kids to eat rocket fuel, but what if it turns little kids into rockets? I mean, this sort of thing happens in comic books all the time. A kid is raised on rocket fuel and becomes ROCKET BOY! THE SAVIOR OF THE SPACEWAY!

I say we let these kids drink rocket fuel! Imagine if your babies had little rockets form on their feet. They could jet you off to work in the morning AND get to daycare in, like, 5 minutes! Saving TONS of time from your commute.

THEN! If a giant robot dinosaur rampages across the city, rocket baby can fly up to it and shoot rocket plasma from his or her hands and melt Ellington the Evil Robot Dinosaur! And the rocket babies save the world again!

I say "again" because last week they had to destroy Benito the Angry Tree.

I just want to make sure the Center for Disease Control knows what they're doing. Do they want to have normal babies OR do they want an army of rocket babies that save the world?

I know what I would pick.

I'm off to eat some rocket fuel.



Thursday, April 2, 2009

don't eat with scissors

A man in China got a pair of scissors stuck in his throat after laughing. He started laughing because his friend told him a joke. The scissors were near his mouth because he was cleaning his teeth with them.

Take a moment to just think about that.


Really?! This guy thought the scissors were the best choice for oral hygiene? I can't imagine how he was cleaning his teeth with scissors, but let's just say that this method works. If you are with somebody who is, in fact, cleaning their teeth with scissors, DO NOT MAKE THEM LAUGH! Save the joke. Because jokes stop being funny REAL FAST when scissors get swallowed.

Somebody should ask for a toothbrush for Arbor Day. That's like using an axe to cut your hair.

"Hmmmm...My hair is getting a little shaggy. I should get the axe out. I'm sure that is the perfect hair cutting device. And maybe my nails need trimming. I hope the chainsaw is gassed up. Oh, I forgot to put my shoes where did I put those steak knives and mercury?"

Ouch...I don't know how to put my shoes on with steak knives and mercury, but I bet the scissor-man can.

I'm off to brush my teeth WITH A TOOTHBRUSH!



Wednesday, April 1, 2009

lemon baptism

I love this story. A church in Norway had to turn off their water supply due to freezing temperatures. Unfortunately, they didn't have any water hanging around for a baptism. So, they took some lemon soda and used that instead.

The priest said everything about it was normal...except the lemon scent. He told the family because he didn't want them thinking the baby had magical lemon-scented powers. My words, not his.

Ok, now, who out there would NOT want to have a fruit flavored baptism! I don't care what religion you are because making a baby smell like lemon is brilliant. AND pleasing to the nose!

I think the church should have different flavors for baptizing. Maybe a family would like a cherry baby, or perhaps a blueberry baby, or even a lilac baby!

Do you see the possibilities! I mean, look at all your house cleaners. I bet you have lemon, fresh, citrus and spring breeze just lying around everywhere. Wouldn't you love your babies to smell just like that!?

I bet the whole church would smell good, too! I can't believe the church didn't think of this sooner. Baptism attendance would go way up. They could put a sign out front advertising it and everything!

"Scented Baptisms Done Here! Try one of our 31 flavors! Everybody loves a lemon baby!"

Maybe they should change the number. Baskin Robbins might not be happy with the 31. Still, who's gonna sue a church?

I know I'm not the only one who thinks this is a great idea. My invisible friend, Bronwyn, likes it.

My slightly translucent friend, Barnaby, does not.

That's why I don't listen to Barnaby.

I'm of to find friends whose names don't start with B.