exciting day!

I'm sure I could talk about something newsworthy like people going to ponzi prison or something, but I found out the GREATEST news! It has me as excited as an otter on laundry day! And everybody knows that otters love clean laundry!

Do you remember that show "Parker Lewis Can't Lose"? I loved that show. If you don't know the show, you now have a chance to enjoy its awesomeness because it is finally out on DVD. I'm going to buy it immediately. I may have to ponze off some comic books so I can afford it, but it'll be worth it.

Bernard should star in a show called "Ponzi Madoff Can Lose". HA! That's funny. That's almost as funny as my other joke.

Oh, my other joke has to do with baked goods. I swear I've told it to hundreds of people and it makes me laugh every time. It doesn't make them laugh every time, but I don't care. I'm convinced that I'm funny. I can't help it if you don't get the joke.

Someday the world will understand my genius. Everybody will have to be heavily medicated and drowsy, but that day will come.

I'm off to order DVDs from Amazon.

Enjoy!

-DJ

weather or not

It's always fun to talk about the weather. It's even more fun when the weather has gone completely crazy. Around here, the forecast has been cloudy with a chance of showers and thunderstorms. It hasn't changed in weeks. The strange thing is that the sun has come out. Many times. On "cloudy" days. Not a cloud in the sky.

So what's the deal? Are the clouds saying they are coming out the play and they abandon the sun? That's not cool.

Sun to Clouds: Hey! You comin out to play today?

Clouds: Sure we are!

Sun: Sweet! I'll see you later! We'll have a blast!

Cloud 1 to Cloud 2: Let's ditch Sun.

Cloud 2: Yeah. Sun is lame. Sun thinks it's soooo hot. I'm done with Sun.

(8 hours later....)

Sun: I guess the Clouds didn't want to come and play. Fine! See if I care! I'm just going to set and never come out again! See if you like that! I hate you!

The sun can be pretty dramatic at times. Still, those clouds better watch out. I've seen the sun wield two scoops of raisins before. I was hit by two scoops of raisins once. I still have the bruises. And my fibula has never been the same. So, don't make fun of the sun. Just have fun in the sun.

I'm off to check the weather.

Enjoy!

-DJ

what big ears you have

Did you hear the news? If you didn't, maybe your fish did. Fish are getting bigger ears. For some reason that scientists can’t figure out, the more carbon dioxide in the water the larger a fish's ear grows.

So, how is this useful? I don't know. I now know that a fish ear is inside of their body and that they use it for balance. So, with bigger ears, maybe they can balance better. The fish of the future will be really good at gymnastics. Hopefully they will be allowed into the olympics.

Another unconfirmed scientific study (from actual scientists) is that fish in carbon dioxide water are more lethargic. So, I guess they won't be in the olympics.

Finally, in a study I just made up (NOT from actual scientists) we found out that fish will ride camels when exposed to high levels of heavy metal. I don't know how they figured this one out, but it's just amazing.

Unfortunately, the fish are so lethargic, that we can't prove it. And the loud music hurts their newly enlarged ears.

They now enjoy the pan flute and yoga. It's relaxing and they don't get headaches.

I'm off to listen to my Zamfir albums.

Enjoy!

-DJ

which way did he go

There are only two kinds of people who hike on the Appalachian Trail. Crazy people and physicists. And really, the line between those two is pretty thin.

For those of you who don't know, my brother is a physicist. And he doesn't read my blog because he's too busy playing with Rubidium trying to get Rydberg molecules or something. Clearly he's missing out on a great read. I think HIS electron is far from the nucleus! Hehe. (that joke might be funny to a physicist reading this paragraph)

BUT, Governors do NOT hike the Appalachian Trail. So, if there is ever a missing governor, do NOT look for him on the trail. He will not be there. They may have done it when they were younger and crazy, but not while they are governors. So, using the trail as an excuse for disappearing is about as solid as a radioactive element.

Today's lesson is that if you need to disappear to Argentina, come up with something better. Unless you're crazy or a physicist. Then you can disappear. Nobody will really question it. They'll just think it's one of your quirks. Or, if you're a physicist, one of your quarks. HA! Oh...that one WAS funny. Seriously. Physicists are on the floor crying because they are laughing so hard.

I'm so funny to so few.

I'm off to work on my physical comedy.

Enjoy!

-DJ

what are you?

If you are on facebook, then you have probably seen or taken a "What ____ are you?" quiz. Or perhaps a "How Well Do You Know ______?" quiz. I don't quite understand these, but then again, I didn't understand them when they were email chain letters or myspace bulletins, so I guess nothing has really changed except that now they are posted on your wall.

I CAN tell you that I'm the color green because I'm closely related to the spruce tree. Unfortunately, I don't know Spruce very well. I thought that Spruce's favorite movie was Sleepless in Seattle. I guess it was Castaway. At least I know that Spruce's favorite actor is Tom Hanks.

So, to jump on the bandwagon of facebook quizzes, I have decided to make one up. You can do it and post it on your wall and show all your friends what you are. Ready?

What kind of organism are you?

Question 1. Are you breathing on a regular basis?

If you answered yes, then you are a living organism! You could actually take this quiz! Maybe even get up and do other stuff! You have the ability to use your fingers to type stuff! You may actually be typing right now! You might even have the power of walking, drawing, eating and a whole bunch of other things! Enjoy your livingness!

If you answered no, then we're not entirely sure how you answered because you're dead. I mean, you have to breathe to live. Sure you can hold your breath for a few minutes, but you can't just stop breathing. So, yeah. Let's just hope you answered yes.

And the quiz is over. Wasn't that fun?! I bet it was! I answered yes and this quiz was so right about me. I am typing right now. I remember walking once. I can draw stuff. I've even eaten things! I guess these quizzes ARE scientific!

Wow! What a great day to be a living organism!

I'm off to find out more about my livingness!

Enjoy!

-DJ

where we're going, washing machines don't need clothes

I am not making this story up. Seriously, this time, I'm totally telling the truth. There is a washing machine that can travel through time. They call it a Kelvinator.

This guy is selling his old 1980's Kelvinator washing machine online. He says that it shakes so violently that it can open windows into other dimensions. One time, he saw a land of dinosaurs. Above his washing machine. While his whites were getting whiter and his brights were getting brighter.

Ok, so I can't confirm the whiter/brighter part, but I do believe that he looked into another dimension. Or possibly the past!

Back when washing machines shook a lot more, people would lose their left sock all the time. Remember those days? Well, this explains it! Washing machines can open time warps! Warps that are just big enough for a left sock to go through!

Why do you think kids fall asleep on the washing machine? Because while it is running, your baby is replaced by your other-dimensional baby who is already asleep! It makes perfect sense!

Unfortunately, they don't make washing machines with plutonium and flux capacitors anymore. Something about it being unsafe for kids.

So, if you want to do your laundry AND get a pet dinosaur, this might be the machine for you. Otherwise, you can just watch your clothes spin around. I guess that's cool too.

Not as cool as a dinosaur, though.

I'm off to get my washing machine up to 88 spins per second.

Enjoy!

-DJ

vacation 2009 part 5: that beautiful hair

In continuation of yesterday's blog with the flight delay, we missed our connecting flight in Charlotte. The airline did give us a voucher to stay at a hotel, which was nice. Unfortunately, they don't give you your luggage back. Luckily I had some clothes in my carry-on. Nothing else, though.

We then had to get a shuttle to the hotel. Now here's a lesson to all you airport shuttle drivers: don't talk about airplane tragedies with your passengers who had a delayed flight from Aruba. Our driver, who was very friendly, asked what happened and we told him about the delay. He then started talking about the French plane that went down. In a very friendly way.

Then he started talking about the plane that landed in the Hudson. In a very friendly way.

Finally, he started talking about Natalie Holloway. Of course, in a very friendly way.

After the horror stories, we got to the hotel and the nice man at the counter gave us tiny toothbrushes and packets of toothpaste so we could brush our teeth. My toothbrush was in my luggage. Which was being held hostage.

The next day, I was on my way home to Boston! Yay! To make the day even better, I saw a man with the most beautiful head of hair. Think "Uncle Jesse" from Full House, except fluffier and blonde. It was glorious. He was a pilot on another plane. I wanted to ask him if I could touch it, but I got scared. Just seeing it was enough, though.

And that is my trip. Beautiful hair and all.

I'm off to fluff my hair.

Enjoy!

-DJ