Thursday, July 31, 2008

i'm not quite aquaman

I think women complain about swimsuit shopping a lot. Not to make a stereotype, but that's what I hear. I don't really know. I tend not to listen. Oh, not just when a woman is talking about shopping, but about most everything. I don't even listen to myself half the time. I don't even pay attention when I'm writing my blog. That's why, so far, this post is going nowhere.

So, I have to buy a swimsuit. I am not sure what to do about this. I haven't worn a swimsuit in at least 10 years. That means I probably haven't bought one for about 12 years.

I don't really go swimming. Unfortunately, I'm going on vacation and there will be a beach there. With water and stuff. I know I'll be going on some sort of water-riding machine to see dolphins. I may also have to get flip-flops of some kind. It seems that if I go in shorts and sneakers, I'll be wet and uncomfortable all day.

I have the same problem with oceans that I do with snow. It's cold and wet. I'm not a huge fan of cold and wet. What's worse in the summer is that I have to take my shirt off. Nobody wants to see that. It's not safe for the faint of heart.

Do they still make those swimsuits like they did in the 20's? You know what I mean? They're like overalls. The legs go down to the ankles and they have shoulder straps. I could get down in that. I'm sure other beach-folk would be happier if I wore one of those, too.

And don't even get me started on flip-flops. I wear sneakers. I'm a little scared to wear flip-flops. There's nothing keeping those things on my feet! They're just flippin and floppin around! I don't know how people wear them without falling over!

I'll let you know how it goes because I'm sure this is the most exciting thing you've read in years...yeah...

I'm off to find a swimsuit...wish me luck.



Tuesday, July 29, 2008

from forest hills to broadway

As some of you may know, I went to New York yesterday to audition for "Spider-Man: The Musical" on Broadway. Yep. I could be singing songs about webs and stuff. I can't think of what I would actually sing about, but I'm sure they would be spidery.

It has music written by Bono. Yeah. From U2. U2 loves Spider-Man. With or Without You is actually about Spider-Man and Mary Jane. True story. Bono told me that yesterday when I didn't talk to him because he wasn't actually there. So...yeah...100% true!

I went with Sarah Rose, Emily and Peter. Peter didn't actually want to try out for a part, so he was our cheerleader. Surprisingly, he looked pretty good with a skirt and pom-poms. I was skeptical at first about his decision, but I think his cheering helped us get through the long wait.

If you're interested in all the gory details about yesterday's adventure, sit back and relax! It started with a long drive and lots of traffic. wasn't TOO bad, but it wasn't great. Then, there was a quick bathroom stop in chinatown. That bathroom was scary, but not as scary as the one I'll describe later on.

We waited in line for about four hours or so. In that time, Sarah Rose and I found a store with a bathroom. We had to walk into their basement, which felt like a sauna, and try to find the doors for the bathroom, which you couldn't find because it was PITCH BLACK! Trust me, it was scary.

We also felt random droplets of water falling from buildings during the line wait. I don't know where they were from and I have a feeling I don't want to know. It wasn't rain because it was VERY sunny. Can a building make sweat? I'm beginning to think they can.

So, after waiting in line in the heat and building sweat (that's so gross) we finally got to the door to go in and sing our little hearts out. After singing (amazingly, I might add) we left. We had about a minute to impress the judges. I don't know how well we did because some other folks were asked to sing in front of a camera. We were not. That might not be good.

On the other spider-hand, it might be great because MAYBE they only wanted to tape people who they definitely did NOT want so they would remember who they really didn't want to come back.

I don't really believe that theory, but it makes me feel better about the day.

It was fun and totally worth it. I've met people who tried out for Broadway shows and I figured I never would. Now I have and there is still a slight chance I will be cast as Spider-Man. I really think I should have tried to stick to the wall when I sang...that would have impressed them. I'm like a wacky wall walker! (remember those things you got out of the quarter-machines at the supermarket? yeah...that's what I'm like)

That's a slice of my day in the city. I hope you enjoyed it! If you are casting for a superhero musical, keep me in mind. I can sing like Iron Man, Superman, and Batman as well. Just in case...

I'm off to stick to walls!



Friday, July 25, 2008

maybe i was wrong

Maybe it's Chile you want to visit. I guess it depends on your interests. Berlin for chessboxing, Chili if you want some subway entertainment.

I'm not quite sure how to describe this. Ummm...So this lady gets on the subway in Chile wearing a long black coat and high boots and then entertains the travelers using one of the poles that people usually hold onto. she got arrested, but I think she got a good chunk of dollar bills to use for her bail before la Policia got her.

So I was thinking, how gross is that? Do you know how many people touch those poles? I don't like touching things. She apparently has no problem with that, like, at all.

On the other hand, I was thinking that it's probably a decent idea. I figure that there has to be some club or company that could sponsor a subway cab to have "entertainment" in it. That has to be a HUGE money maker.

Why aren't more things done on subways? Was it ever tried? It doesn't have to be adult entertainment, either. It could be as simple as a restaurant being able to serve appetizers in the "Ruby Tuesday's Cab" or something.

M&Ms could have a cab! People could dance around in m&m outfits and riders could buy m&ms from them! I just like thinking about large, dancing m&ms. hehehe...

Oh, and I could TOTALLY see Starbucks or Dunkin' doing that. The "Coffee Cab" would be HUGE! It would smell like coffee all day and if you were in a rush that morning, you could order your coffee right there on the subway. You like that idea, don't you? I thought you would.

I love it. They could have themed cabs, too. You could have one with trees and vines and make the jungle cab.

OOOOOOH! I know a GREAT theme for a cab! "6-year-old Girl Room!" It would be all pink and rainbows with unicorns! How awesome would that be! OH! Add m&ms to that room too!

I like these ideas. I should open up my own subway system. I'm confident that all of these ideas will work and I will be rich.

I hope nobody steals this idea.

I'm off to make millions!



Thursday, July 24, 2008

brains and brawn

You might want to move to Berlin. If you like chessboxing, that is!

What is chessboxing? I'm glad you asked. It's chess...and boxing.

Basically, two guys (there may be a female division, I'm not sure. that would require research, and I just don't have the time to check facts) are in a ring with a chess board in the middle. They play chess for four minutes. Then the bell rings. The board in moved and they box for three minutes. Then the bell rings. The board is replaced. Chess for another four minutes.

This happens until either one of the players is either knocked out by a punch or by a check-mate.

Wow. Who would have ever thought of this? I know I'm not familiar with the Berlin culture, but what put it in their head to combine these two sports? I gotta say, once that wall came down, things started going willy nilly. That wall separated good solid ideas like chess on one side and boxing on the other. Nowadays...sheesh! I mean, what other types of sordid relationships will come about!

I'm glad you asked...again...

Pogwrestling: Remember pogs? I do. You play with them for 4 minutes. Then wrestle each other. What fun!

Marbleskating: How about this challenge! You are on ice, skating around a big circle, and you have to flick that big marble into it and get the little marbles out of it! (that is the point of marbles, right? I never quite got it.)

Archeryjenga: You have to shoot the arrows at a jenga tower. You knock out different blocks and the first person to make it collapse loses! Ha! Not bad, right?

UltimateFightingCandyland: Now this game you gotta see. Mad card-flippin action happens until one of the players lands on a trap. As soon as they land on a trap, the players beat the snot out of each other for 3 minutes. Then the game continues. People bring candy, too. It's awesome.

Finally, HockeySweeping: Oh wait...they already play that in's called curling. heh heh heh...canadians...

Feel free to come up with your own game combos. I'm sure they'll be better than mine. Well...maybe not better than the candyland one. Tell me you wouldn't go watch that. I know you would. You might not admit it to your friends and family, but when you bump into them at the show, you'll all be cheering for the chocolate swamp, gum drop mountain and princess lolly.

I'm off to see if anybody still sells pogs.



Wednesday, July 23, 2008

holy sweet, batman!

I just found out that there are "cupcake shops." How did I not know about these already? Seriously? A store dedicated to cupcakes? HOW AWESOME IS THAT!

Wanna know how to make that deal even sweeter? (pun totally intended) There's a cupcake shop in Arizona that offers "frosting shots." Yep. Just like it sounds. A shot glass filled with frosting. That is, like, my idea of a bar in heaven.

St. Peter: What can I get for you?

Me: I'll take a shot of frosting, my good man!

St. Peter: Comin right up, captain! (in heaven, I will own boat, therefore I will be a captain)

...20 minutes later...

Me: Give me another!

St. Peter: Don't you think you've had enough?

Me: Lissen, Petey, I'll till yous whin hive hed enoof. I KNOW SOW MICH SHURGUR I CN HANDLES!

Then security will come and drag me away as I shake from my sugar high.

It will be the greatest experience of my life.

Oh, and if you're curious, my boat will be called the "Orinoco Flow". Get it? Sail Away? Enya? I think it's clever. I think my dad used to like that song. If not, I'm sorry dad. I like that song. It's strangely soothing. Whatever happened to Enya? I think I would play it every time I went sailing. That or something by Menudo. Either way works for me.

I'm off to the batten down the hatches.



Monday, July 21, 2008

an open letter to spider-man

Hi again folks! It's good to be back on the blog today. I hope everybody enjoyed the weekend. It was a HUGE weekend of entertainment. Not only did my show, Grease, rock the house, BUT our main competition, The Dark Knight, became the biggest opening for a movie ever! Wow...I haven't seen Batman...yet. I hope I can get to it now that grease is over.

Since I did take last Thursday and Friday off, I had some time to kill and relax before my show. In that time, I decided to write a letter to Spider-Man. Yeah. I haven't written to him in a long time and I figured he missed me. it wasn't really to Spidey himself, but rather to the editor of the comic book, Steve Wacker. You don't really have to know what's going on in the comic book to understand the letter, but I thought I would copy the letter onto my blog so you can see what goes on in my strange little world of comic books. I wrote it after reading Amazing Spider-Man 565. There has been a lot of hype about the stories "Brand New Day" and "One More Day" that changed the whole spidey-world. Hopefully that is all the background you need. Here goes...

To: NY-Spideyoffice
Subject: ASM 565 okay to print

Hey Spidey-Folks,

I didn't know where to put the okay to print, so that's the subject. Is that cool?

It's been many, many years since I wrote into a comic book. My first printed letter was in Spidey a LONG time ago. I think what really made me feel like writing was the sign on the comic book store that said "Hey Adults! Comics!" That's so true...I am an adult now...sort of.

Anyway, everybody else is complaining/praising BND. I thought to myself, "I'm willing to bet everybody wants to hear my opinion too." Those are things I tell myself to feel here are a few comments and questions I have.

First, I have to ask, when planning out One More Day, did you call it OMD all the time? And if so, did you make "If you leave" jokes often? I would have. And I would have thought they were funny every single time.

So far this letter makes about as much sense as a dragon on a skateboard. Sorry, I don't really have coherent thoughts. What I think I really wanted to say was that the past few years of Spidey were awesome. Then, OMD happened and it was a cop-out (is that hyphenated?). I don't mind cop-outs in comics. It happens all the time, but for some reason, this one just didn't seem to fit the character. BUT, I was hopeful. BND (do they sing "One Week"...oh no....that's BNL...sorry) seemed like it might work. It started a little slow and then Bob Gale wrote an issue. Wow. That was brilliant. Tell Bob he's my favorite. I was sadly disappointed with the rest of the brain trust. Which is weird because I liked most everything the rest of the guys have done in the past. I mean, I really liked Slott's She-Hulk. It was great. I don't know what happened. Sorry, Dan.

The art teams you've been getting on the book have been wonderful too. Kudos to the art team getter person.

So, that's it. I am going to give this new direction a year or so to see if things start to build. Right now it feels about as sporadic as my letter. Maybe I'm being lenient, but I grew up with Spidey and I'm just not ready to give up on him.

Oh, and Steve. Some readers don't like you as an editor. I do. I like fun editors in my comic books. A few years back I used to read X-Men and there were two guys I always liked. I can't remember their names, but they answered with blue and red text. That was fun too. So you keep up that good work and don't let those other kids make fun of you.

I think that's it. Did I say okay to print? I think I did. I'd check for spelling and grammatical errors, but really, it's not like anybody will read this.


West Springfield

So there you go. Wanna know what he sent back? A picture of a (komodo) dragon on a skateboard. That Steve is a clever one.

Also, if you didn't know, Bob Gale was the guy who wrote Back to the Future and now he's one of the main writers on Spidey. Cool, right? I loved Back to the Future.

"Waitaminute...Doc...You built a time machine? Out of a DeLorean?" HA! Brilliant!

I'm off to look for a flux capacitor.



Tuesday, July 15, 2008

mr. element

Who loves science? I do! Is there anything more fun than learning about the periodic table of the elements? I can't think of anything. Maybe learning about the periodic table of the elements while swimming in cotton candy and gummy worms, but I don't know who has a swimming pool with those things.

If you want to learn more about the elements that make up this wonderful world of ours, then you should check out this fun link.

This guy is great. He has a fondness for Osmium, but really, who doesn't?

His name is Martyn Poliakoff. He has a great accent. Unless, of course, you're from Nottingham, then he probably sounds just like you. And that hair!

Martyn: I would like to do something fun with my hair.

Other Scientist: What's wrong with a crew cut?

Martyn: I really like that poster you have of Einstein. Think I could pull that off?

OS: YES! You could SO pull that off!

Martyn: Do you think people will mind? I mean, he's more of a physicist and I'm a chemist. Do you think people will get mad?

OS: No...not if you post video online explaining all the elements.

Martyn: Then I'm calling my stylist and cancelling my hair appointment! Let the fro begin!

Little do people know that I'm a bit of a chemist myself. It's true. I found Aw. Its Atomic number is 240. You won't see it on the table...yet.

Aw stands for Awesomium. If you stand near it for too long, the awesome radiation will make you glow with awesomeness. Clearly I've been around it too long.

I'm off to look for more elements...still working on radicalium and fabulousium.



Friday, July 11, 2008

kneel to the power of Magneto!

I'm sure I've mentioned it too many times, but I'm in Grease next week. Yep, it's only a week away! So reserve your tickets now! It's at South Hadley High School July 17-19! That's so soon! People will be beating each other up for tickets! That's how good it is! maybe there won't be any beatings, but there might be slight raising of voices in excitement. Perhaps a hurried walk or a slight jog to get tickets...if it looks like there might be rain.

Well, my knees are all red and bruised and hurty from the show. I do a knee slide...badly. I tell you this because I know you care about my well being. How do I know that? Somebody once asked me how I was. I answered. You could feel the love.

Big Y Cashier: How are you today?

Me: My knees hurt.

Big Y Cashier: uhh....ok...why?

Me: Because I have to slide on my knees in a dance and I'm not very good at it.

Big Y Cashier:'ll be $23.19

Me: Ok

Big Y Cashier: And you won 2 silver coins!

Me: Can I use them for knee pads?

Big Y Cashier: No.

Me: Dang.

I'm almost cried knowing that people care so much for me. It was a very emotional 3 minutes. Maybe someday I can tell you about my trip to Subway. I can't even think about it without tearing's that powerful....I...I just...can't go on...I'm sorry...I'm just not ready to share yet...*tear*

Ahem...I'm off to get some tissues.



Wednesday, July 9, 2008


Did you shave this morning? I did. Maybe I shouldn't have, though. It turns out that women like a man with a little stubble. What about you?

I read a study that said clean-shaven men don't look tough enough and bearded men (of space station 11...sorry...nobody will get that joke, but seriously, it makes me crack up) look too aggressive.

A little bit of stubble is just right. Probably like House on tv. He always has just the right amount of stubble. I don't know how he does it.

I hear that women don't like the man-stubble because it hurts them. Women like how it LOOKS, but not how it FEELS. You women are never happy. Maybe you should toughen up and deal with our sharp, manly faces.

I know what you're going to say. "We shave our legs to be smooth all the time." Blah, blah, blah. I'm not telling you to shave. My legs feel fantastic and I've never shaved them. The end.

So, now that we've come to an agreement on that topic, "The Bearded Men Of Space Station 11" was a skit on old sketch comedy show called "The State." It was a show on MTV and it was really funny. You should ask me about $240 Worth Of Pudding. Look them up; I think you'll like it. Some of the people from that group went on to make that show on Comedy Central called "Reno 911."

That's all for today. If you're curious, Blue Kryptonite 360 saved the world yesterday. I can't tell you how, but I can say you’re welcome for stopping that alien invasion. That's just how I roll.

I'm off to shave...but not too closely.



Tuesday, July 8, 2008

kung fu 250

Ok, so Kung Fu is cool. Naming your motorcycle Kung Fu 250 is even cooler! It's like making Kung Fu 250 times better!

I saw that name on a motorcycle in one of those used car booklets and realized that motorcycles get cool names and cars don't. Why is that? I think Kawasaki has a "katana" and a "ninja" and they probably have numbers on them. That's so cool.

I just got a new car. I think it's fantastic. It is blue. I know a lot of people name their car. I am no different, but this time I'm taking my cues from the brilliant minds at Kawasaki and giving my car a hardcore name.

So, it's time to name my car. Let's hop-think (hopping while I think gets the creative juices flowing).

How about Blue Ninja? I kinda like that, actually. OR! Blue Ninja 3000!!!!! Oh yeah!!!!!

Blue Steel would be cool because it makes Zoolander look hot. I can also do Blue Steel. I don't look quite as hot.

Blue Tornado is pretty rad because tornadoes are a force of nature. I am also a force of nature...but a somewhat weak one...hmmm...

Blue Kryptonite. That's cool. OOOOOOH! Blue Kryptonite 360! That's sweet.

P1: Hey, I think I'll go for a drive.

P2: Yeah, me too.

P1: I'll hop onto Kung Fu 250 and drop kick the road!

P2: I'll get into Blue Kryptonite and fly!

P1: Ha! Your puny Blue Kryptonite doesn't even have a number!

P2: Oh, I just didn't want to's Blue Kryptonite 360!

P1: Darn it! Foiled again by numbers greater than (or equal to) 250!!!!!!!

P2: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! (somewhat evil laugh)

Take that Kung Fu 250. If you are afraid that I want to hurt superman, you're wrong. I know what you're thinking, "I saw that episode of Smallville where the blue kryptonite took away Clark's powers." Ok, well let's get off the make-believe world of TV and get into the REAL world of comic books. In real life, blue kryptonite actually hurts bizarro and does nothing to superman; early reports say it could actually heal him. How's that? It's like I'm saving superman's life. Yeah...I'm nice like that.

Do you have a cool name for your car? I'd love to hear it. If it's not cool enough, just add the word ninja to it and throw a number at the end. Then it will be cool.

I'm off to show the world Blue Kryptonite 360. The 360 stands for "360 degrees of awesome." BOO-YAH!



Monday, July 7, 2008

viva la (dance, dance) revolution

Welcome back everybody! I hope you had a fantastic long weekend. I had to work every day, BUT that's no big deal because I found something wonderful.

As you may or may not have heard, I have a mild addiction to Yeah, I'm not proud of it (that's a lie, because I am very proud of it). I usually look for comic books or music, but I was just scanning down the main page and I found the greatest item: Dance, Dance Revolution.

Yes, that dancing arcade game is available on amazon. I'm not talkin' about the home version, I mean the machine you see at the arcade. Now, I don't think DDR is as cool as it used to be a few years ago, but the fact that I can buy the actual, full-blown arcade game for my home entertainment is awesome!

I used to play some DDR when I went to arcade. I wasn't the best, but I was decent for a casual player. I used to play that and the boxing game. I don't know if you ever saw that game, but it was a great workout. You had to grab two weighted boxing gloves and punch and the sensors around you would mimic your movements. I really got into that game.

Anyway, you wanna know how much it costs to have a lifetime of dancing in your home? It's only $18,000!!!! AND!!!! FREE SHIPPING!!!!!

I don't know why I'm wasting my money on a new car. Who needs transportation when you can dance!

If I were a rich man...then I would buy all the arcade games off of amazon...then I would buy more comic books...then I would probably build a candy company to make candy just for me. Ok, I wouldn't be COMPLETELY selfish. I would use my money-powers to send candy and comic books to countries in need...of candy and comic books. I would also adopt a bunch of kids like Angelina Jolie and let the kids play DDR for free.

I would also cover everything in gold. Hey, I'm rich. I can do those sorts of things.

I'm off to figure out how to become rich...ya ha deedle deedle bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.



Thursday, July 3, 2008

boom boom

OOOOOHH!!!! Look at the pretty fireworks! What, you don't have fireworks going off in your head right now? That's weird, I thought everybody had that. The doctors told me they would stop if I didn't hit my head so often, but really, why would I NOT want fireworks in my head?

It’s a weekend full of fireworks and stuff because it's the fourth of July. Yep. We get to celebrate our country's independence. Yeah, America used to be married to Spain, but things weren't working out. It was a mutual decision. (But I think Spain was checking out France...I'm just sayin'.)

Anyways, after the breakup, America was free. And how do we celebrate that freedom? That's right! With sparkles! And booms! And sizzles!

If you can't get to any fireworks this weekend, I found a few sites that offer them for free. I actually like the second one better because it seems to fire the works a bit faster. That makes for a cooler "finale".

I hope you have a long weekend and have some plans. Relax, go watch some fireworks, and have fun!

I'm off to buy some sparklers.



Tuesday, July 1, 2008


Happy Canada Day! Did you know Canadians have fireworks going on today? Yeah...don't worry...if you hear some booms up there, they aren't attacking us.

Did you know Wolverine is Canadian? Yeah...the Hugh Jackman guy from X-Men. He's awesome. Probably the best thing to come out of Canada. He has claws... they are rad...

Anyways, I found this list for all you folks who wonder what it means to be Canadian. Wolverine is not on it.

Canadians voted on what made them what they are. Some of the things make sense like the Maple Leaf (it's on their flag) and Snow (because it doesn't stop snowing there).

Other things don't make sense to us Americans. I will try to explain them to you.

Tim Hortons: This guy Tim says "eh" all the time, so they figure he's pretty Canadian. I think he drinks a lot of coffee too...Canadian coffee.

Space Exploration: Most people would not think of Canada when it comes to space exploration, but they are actually closer to space than we are. If you go up to Canada and then keep going up, you'll hit the moon. I've done it. It hurts.

Moose / Caribou: These are mythical creatures that Canadians believe are real. No Canadian has ever been able to prove their existence, but they'll keep talking about "moose this" and "caribou that".

Celine Dion: You may have heard of her. She's actually Canadian; even though she wishes she was from America. I mean, she has a Las Vegas show. And it's not even in a Canadian-themed hotel. She's a traitor.

Finally, there are some things on the list that even I, a near-genius, cannot explain.

Bluenose: What is that? Is that supposed to mean it's cold up there? Is it a type of dolphin? I have no idea.

Banff National Park: What kind of word is Banff, anyway? That sounds like a comic book word. So...I guess I like it.

Wilderness: I don't even want to know what that is. I just don't like the sound of it. Sounds like something without tv. Not good.

I'm off to Ottawa.