Tuesday, January 31, 2012

little bittle skittle

Have you seen the Skittles Riddles? They are Skittles flavors, BUT the color doesn't match the flavor inside!

So, if you get a purple Skittle, you don't know if it's cherry or banana or table or rubber or chocolate or what!

But I would like to ask a question...Does it matter?

I have, at times, taken every color of Skittle and put them with their own colors for various reasons. Twice for eating.

I have found that a handful of Skittles of ANY color tastes good. Sugary fruit! That's it!

So do I care what color the Skittle is on the outside? NO! They all taste like sugar! Because that's all they are! And that is all I want them to be!

It's not like yellow Skittles are yellow because they use lemons to make them. I know that and I'm okay with it.

So who are they really fooling with these?

Your children. Someday, if you buy these, your child will have NO idea what color goes with what fruit. They'll see a Lime and call it a Strawberry. You can tell them otherwise, but they'll just say, "Strawberries taste green, lady!" They will say that to you whether you are the mother or the father.

And whose fault is that? Skittles.

Do you know what they should do? They should combine Skittles and M&M's. YES! Why have a peanut or a pretzel in your M&M's when you could have a Skittle in there?!

How awesome would that be?! WHY DON'T THEY HAVE THIS!

It's a conspiracy! It's a fruit-color-chocolate-coated conspiracy! I'm going to go buy a bag of Skittles and a bag of M&M's right now. JUST to prove how good it is. Not the little bags, either. I'm going LARGE BAG!

I'm off to get a tummy ache.

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, January 30, 2012

are car bumpers unhappy?

I know how to drive an automobile. Or, as the kids call it, a horseless carriage. And sometimes, when the police are not patrolling, I am actually allowed to drive places!

It's a lot of fun. But I do it responsibly. Partly because I like safety. Mostly because I don't want to go to jail.

For the past few weeks, I've noticed something odd during my driving adventures.

Car bumpers.

YEP! They're everywhere! Just sitting there on the side of the road!

Now, I bet you're wondering "Why would car bumpers just abandon the rest of their car bodies?"

I have 37 theories. 26 involve ninjas. 5 require large red dragons. 3 rely on theoretical physics. And 2 need me in space.

There is one other theory, but it's just too crazy to even mention. But, just in case, if you see a dinosaur with stars instead of horns that knows how to recite Shakespeare and rides on a blue cloud, please tell me. That would totally confirm my last theory.

I'd love to hear your theories. But I'm sure I already thought of it. I mean, I do have 37 of them. That's kind of a lot.

I'm off to check my bumper for ninjas.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, January 27, 2012

tattoo yourself

I've had this blue dot on my hand for years. I mean, I remember having it in elementary school. I don't know where I got it, but it has never gone away.

WELL! I've asked around, and people are telling me that it IS possible to tattoo yourself! One theory is that I must have inked myself at a very young age so deep that the skin grew over it and now I have a small tattoo on my hand.

What's that? You say I'm totally hardcore for giving myself a tattoo?

Yes. Yes, I am.

I think I did it when I was behind bars. Crib-style. I had to show my cabbage patch kid who was the boss.

Turned out he was the boss because he took WAY more abuse than I did. And I named him Michael Knight, so he's automatically tougher than I am.

THEORY TWO! Turns out they sometimes give a small tattoo to twins. Well, one of the twins. So you know which is which. Could I have a twin? And not just a twin, but I'm the imperfect one that was dotted!

Where is this perfect version of me? Is he or she a ninja? A movie star? A vampire?

I've been told I look like a Flynn Rider. Is that my twin?! Is that who I'm supposed to be?! Why can't I be Flynn Rider?!

Okay...so maybe Flynn Rider is a stretch, but a 9-year-old girl thinks I look like him, so I'll believe her.

I'm off to find a third theory.

Enjoy Everything.


Thursday, January 26, 2012

i wanna golf like it's 1899

I was reading a book. I know, pretty rad. But, while reading said book, I came across a word that made my toes tingle with excitement.

Mashie Niblick.

Okay, so it's kinda like two words, but still, you feel the tingle.

The mashie niblick is a golf club! I know! How awesome is that! Golf clubs used to have SUPER FUN NAMES! I guess the game wasn't boring enough, so they stopped using cool names and decided to call all of them woods and irons.

But did you know that there used to be a Brassie?! YEAH! You might even hit something with a Spoon! Maybe take a few shots with a Jigger!

Okay, that last sentence sounds more like a night at a bar, but isn't that how golf usually ends (OOOOOOH! GOLF ZINGER!)

It would be sooooo much more fun listening to the announcers, too.

"Well Berthold, it looks like he's going to play with his Cleek here."

" Yes Shelby, but it would probably be better if he used his Mashie."

"Really Berthold. That's the club you would use. REALLY?! Why don't you just suggest his Baffing Spoon! That would make just as much sense! ...mashie...I work with a bunch of niblicks..."


WOAH! Those old-time golf announcers are mean! But way more fun!

I'm off to play with my Mashie Niblick.

Enjoy Everything.


Tuesday, January 24, 2012

solar storms are coming again


Or don't. You don't really have to. It might only disturb the Earth's magnetic field for a little while. If you get home from work and all your magnets from your fridge fell off, you now know why.

I hope you don't magnet anything valuable on your fridge like family heirlooms or babies. Or, if you do, maybe put them on display somewhere else for a day or two. Just to be safe. Until the solar storms stop.

Or, if you have mutant powers of magnetism, like Magneto, you might not be able to do much. I wouldn't try to throw any trains around or anything. It might end up falling on you. And that's REALLY uncomfortable.

This coronal mass ejection is actually coming at us pretty fast. 4 MILLION miles an hour.

I once got my car to go that fast. But only once. It cost too much to keep replacing the tires.

Does it rain sunshine during solar storms? I bet that would be pretty! Little golden drops of sun would land on your head and make a golden rainbow!

Oh...wait...the sun is really hot. It's, like, hotter than steamed milk. And steamed milk is pretty hot. And something hotter than THAT might actually burn you.

Hmmm...maybe this solar storm isn't really that fun. Maybe I should run and panic and hide in a metal shelter.

Nah. I wanna see sunshine rain from the sky!

I'm off to catch some sun drops on my tongue.

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, January 23, 2012

mittens, mittens everywhere

My faith in humanity has been restored!

I was driving to work with my mittens on. Then, the heat started working, so I took them off and put them on my lap.

THEN! I got to work, forget that they were on my lap and I guess they fell onto the ground.

When I got out of work, guess what I saw next to my car...


Nobody stole them! How amazing is that?! I even had a car next to me. That person could have seen my mittens and just taken them and kept their hands warm forever.

But they didn't! Because they love me!

I'm sure they love you, too. I bet they wouldn't steal your mittens, either.

Mittens Romney probably gets mittens for free since that's his name.

Speaking of presidential names. Well, Mittens isn't president yet, but he's trying! Did you know the president of Nigeria has a fun name? It's Goodluck Jonathan!

I wish they would work together for a bill or law or something. Like, the "Goodluck Mittens Accord."

That would be the most ADORABLE accord ever! I LOVE IT! Maybe use a picture of a kitten on it!

Kittens wearing mittens are so cute. I'd say that's tied for 3rd on my "Most Cutest Things Ever" list.

I'm off to wear my mittens.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, January 20, 2012

science should know by now that this is a bad idea

What are they thinking?! Scientists have created "supersoldier" ants with HUGE HEADS! They figured out what genes to "mess around" with to give ants GIANT MANDIBLES!

REALLY?! Haven't these people watched ANY science FACT movies from the 50's! YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER!

I once saw a movie with giant grasshoppers. Do you know what happened. PEOPLE GOT HURT! They climbed buildings!

Do we REALLY want giant ants?! They lift 50 times their own weight. Do you know how much that is when an ant is bigger than you? I can tell you. IT'S A LOT!

Luckily, I have a backup plan. It involves gophers, hedgehogs and clip-on ties.

But we can avoid all this with one simple idea: Stop making giant ants.

INSTEAD! Let's make giant Hershey Kisses. I know what you're thinking, "They already make giant Hershey Kisses."

No. They don't. Those are kinda big Hershey Kisses. Bigger than the ones in the bag. But not GIANT. When I say giant, I MEAN GIANT! Like, as big as Australia! THAT is giant!

This way, we won't get eaten by giant ants. And we get chocolate.

I say that's a win-win. And two wins are better than a mandible crushing your head. Trust me, I know.

I'm off to talk with the hedgehogs.

Enjoy Everything.


Thursday, January 19, 2012

the mug conspiracy

Hi. How are you. What's that? Oh my mug? With the dragon? Yeah. I know. It's totes awesome. No bigs. Just sippin' some tea.

How do you get one? Oh, you know...YOU JUST HAVE TO USE MAGIC TO ENSCORCEL A DRAGON AND TRAP IT'S SOUL IN A MUG! That's all.

Yes, I have an amazingly huge mug with a dragon on it. It's so sweet.

I have this mug problem, so when I find a large mug with a large bottom, I get excited.

See...I notice the "average" mug is pretty small. It's, like, just big enough for 8 oz. of liquid. So when it comes to STIRRING that liquid, it just splashes everywhere! I'm NOT a dainty stirererer! I like my beverages well mixed!

ALSO! Why do a lot of mugs get smaller at the bottom? Cups too! Do you drink coffee or tea or anything in a mug near an electronic device? Wouldn't you want a large-bottomed mug next to it so it would be harder to tip? Maybe even a weighted bottom! The mug might wobble, but it won't fall down!

So finding a big, large-bottomed mug is hard. But it can be done! So don't just take what the mug companies give you! Fight back and only buy big mugs and let your voice be heard!

Occupy Mugs! Larger mugs mean larger hugs!

Stand tall like a mug with me!

I can also fight back with my ensorcelling. Though, that usually only works on dragons.

Unless dragons control the mug industry! Now THAT would explain a lot!

I'm off to sip my mug.

Enjoy Everything.


Tuesday, January 17, 2012

it's a cookie in a jar

Oh! Em! Gee! Have you ever had Biscoff spread? YOU HAVEN'T! You NEED to try this!

So, this Austrian company makes these cookies called "speculoos." One day, somebody said, "Wouldn't it be great if you could just make this fantastically tastalicious cookie into a creamy spread?!"

Half the people who heard that statement fell over. The other half screamed in excitement. 17 people walking by the building discovered the meaning of life. Two people actually learned how to fly by using pure thought energy. And 26 babies were born. They're nothing special, JUST THE MIRACLE OF LIFE!

After learning the secrets of Shangri-La and the garden of the Hesperides, they were able to magically turn speculoos into a spread!

Or a butter. I don't know how to describe it. It's like peanut butter. But peanut butter isn't really like cow butter. So...you know...it's creamy...and yummy...and butteryish?

NOW! Through the magic of science and...well...magic...YOU TOO can spread a cookie onto anything you want and not get that crumbly side-effect!

It tastes kinda like a cinnamon graham cracker. That you spread. ON EVERYTHING!

You should buy some speculoo spread. Miracles will happen. Sure it depends on your definition of "miracle," but mine includes that feeling of sparkles in your tummy. And that happens every time I eat Biscoff spread.

I'm off to speculoo.

Enjoy Everything.


Thursday, January 12, 2012

bad at keeping time

Have you heard about this Doomsday Clock? It's not a very good clock. I mean, the time changes all willy-nilly! Some guy can just move it forward a minute or two. But then, another guy can go there and move it back!

What kind of clock is that? I might miss Sesame Street! Or my plane! Or anything else that will happen at any previously planned designated time!

I mean, I have this clock at home that keeps going. Like, I set it once, and then the second hand keeps going around and the minutes keep moving forward and stuff and I'm pretty sure that's how it's supposed to go.

But this Doomsday Clock is getting moved back and forth by some evil scientist.

At least, I imagine it's an evil scientist. What OTHER kind of scientist would name something a "Doomsday" clock?!

I've read enough comic books to know that when "Doomsday" is used to describe something, that something is made to destroy the world.

Here's my idea. Move the minute hand WAY before doomsday o'clock and take the batteries out. This way, we won't have to worry about any doomsdayery happening.

If possible, could we move it to 2:30? I like that time. That's when it's time to go to the dentist. (That joke makes me laugh EVERY TIME!)

Or, if that's not possible, could we at least set it to Pretzel Time. That'd be swell. Thanks.

I'm off to set my clock.

Enjoy Everything.


Tuesday, January 10, 2012

i have no idea what is going on here

I saw the strangest thing. D'Noddy Oh. That's all I know about it. I got a Roku player for Christmas (thanks Chris!). It has a lot free channels and a lot of pay channels. Some of the pay channels let you watch clips or something from their programming.

There is a channel for toddlers with a few clips that I can watch for free. Since I'm a HUGE fan of toddler television, I decided to check it out.

This was...weird...but I have to watch it over and over again. I can't stop!

D'Noddy Oh is a cat superimposed on different backgrounds while she's rolling around.

And some guy is singing the whole time.

So it starts normal with her on a cloud (trust me, that's normal for this). Then on grass. Which is normal for cats.

Then it starts to get weird when she is on a sphinx head. And finally, she is on...it seems to be a green cloud of fairy dust and marbles...floating to the moon.

Suddenly! It ends all angry! Out of nowhere, D'Noddy Oh gets so mad that she starts attacking party streamers!

Why D'Noddy OH?! WHY?!?!?!

Oh...and then there's the guy with the bat wings.

This is my life. That and upside down peanut butter. More on that later.

Please, feel free to watch it. Don't blame me if you need therapy.


I'm off to D'Noddy Oh, whatever that means.

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, January 9, 2012

a dot for every occasion

DOTS are the greatest candy ever. How do I know that? I eat them. THAT is how I know. Somebody harnessed the sweet taste of heaven and put it into a small chewy “dot” for humans to enjoy.

A mysterious person named “Tootsie Roll” keeps making them in a magical land called “Chicago.”

I know those words are strange, but I promise I didn't make them up. Nobody has ever seen this “Tootsie Roll” or been to this “Chicago” place, but I know they are real because DOTS keep coming to the store.

AND we are currently in a DOTS Enlightenment!

I got Valentine’s Day DOTS! Did you know they had those?! THEY DO!

There’s, like, a DOT for every holiday!

I mean, Original DOTS are great. Tropical DOTS are good on the beach. But what about when you want to celebrate Halloween?

Ghost DOTS and Bat DOTS!

They also have Christmas DOTS and Easter DOTS AND these Valentine DOTS that are red and pink and DELICIOUS!

So if you want to give something special to that person you love this Valentine’s Day, forget the diamonds and the gold and cash gifts. Show them you REALLY care with DOTS!

Any other gift says, “You’re kinda okay, but I don’t love you enough to get you DOTS.”

It’s true. You might as well write that in the card if you don’t get them DOTS. I think there is a “I didn't get you DOTS for Valentine’s Day” section in the card store. It’s next to the “Sympathy” section.

I’m off to get some DOTS and sympathy.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, January 6, 2012

ok...what was that word again????????

According to otohir...no...otorhini...wait, I'll get it...otorhinolaryngologists (GOT IT!) you should not pluck your nose hairs.

I never even knew that there were otorhiblahblahblahgists out there! I have NEVER heard that word before! And if I never heard of it, I prefer it to not exist.

So, how can I REALLY know that these otorwhatevers DO exist? Hmmm...

I will say they don't. That means I can pluck all the nose hairs I want!

But I won't. Because that will hurt.

And my sicnapologogogolist told me not to. Oh, you don't have one of those? You should get one. They're great. They live in mountains that move on clouds on the planet Portusga. If you go there, ask for Dr. Uypbosjjjjjjjslkf.

Sounds made up? Really? This from the person who claims to have a otorhinolaryngologist!


Pluck whatever you want. If plucking is good enough for chickens, then it's good enough for me.

Did you know that a chicken worried about its beak will go to a falpinogosnopogist? True story. No really, it is. I've been to one. I was once a chicken. With a sick beak. I had to go.

Now I'm a human and I go see REAL doctors. Because that's how I roll.

I'm off to check my beak.

Enjoy Everything.


Thursday, January 5, 2012

first sharks now this?!

Oh no. This is bad. I know zombies are totally hip right now, but this is just scary.

Zombie Bees.

Affectionately called "zombees" by apiarists.

Unaffectionately called "ZOMBIE BEES ARE TRYING TO KILL ME" by everybody else.

It's like "The Walking Dead" if it became "The Fly-And-Sting-You-And-Lure-You-Into-A-False-Sense-Of-Security-With-Their-Sweet-Nectar Dead."

I love honey. I eat it every day. I also use it as a face wash. Should I worry about becoming a zombie?


These are all questions that one must ask oneself when that self enjoys honey made by not yourself!

These are also questions that one must ask oneself when oneself doesn't know what that self should write about when blogging about that self's love of honey.

OH! You know what else is good? Honey peanut butter.

Oh no...my peanut butter could make me a zombie too!

Eh...it's worth it. Honey peanut butter is really good. Good enough to go zombie for.

I'm off to zombee.

Enjoy Everything.


Tuesday, January 3, 2012

hybrid sharks are only the beginning

Hybrid sharks have been found in Australia! The "official" story is that some sharks who like cold water have mated with sharks who like warm water. Because of climate change, the water is getting warmer everywhere, so they are creating mutant sharks that can live in medium-temperature water!

Once sharks learn how to swim in medium temperatures, you KNOW what comes next! Sharks who walk on land and wear razor-tipped bowler hats and have fins that shoot fire!

Hopefully the next stage of human evolution makes us razor-proof. And maybe we can shoot fire-extinguisher stuffs from our fingers.

Let's hope other animals don't learn how to live in comfortable temperatures. I mean, what will happen if polar bears learn how to live in 70-degree weather?

That's right! Telekinesis!

They might already be here. You never know. The person next to you RIGHT NOW could be a polar bear. I hear they shave themselves to blend in.

Make some seal noises. If they start to look hungry...RUN!

I would suggest making seal noises around everybody you see today. Just to be safe.

And please tell me where you will be doing this. I would like to watch. For scientific and safety reasons.

Not to laugh. I swear.

I'm off to watch you act sealy.

Enjoy Everything.