off of the center

I've had a weird few days. I have been feeling a little light-headed. On the plus side, I got new socks. They have dinosaurs on them. Roar.

I think the equal in in my equilibrium is off. I know it's spelled differently, but I still like the joke.

Have you ever sat in your chair and felt like your legs were tilting one way and your torso is staying still? That's what it feels like. Like my legs are on a boat and my body is on a plane. Which SOUNDS fun...and it actually kinda is. Even though I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to feel like that.

So, I'm not sure what could be wrong with me. I looked it up on Web MD and I don't like their answers.

Lucie thinks I'm pregnant. I'm not sure if that is true. I have a feeling it is not, though I can't be sure. I should get one of those sticks with a plus and minus sign.

MY theory is that I've accidentally become a gateway to another dimension and my body is adjusting to the transition. I only hope it's a fun dimension. Maybe one where EVERYBODY has dinosaur socks. Mine are green with little, black brontosauruses. (I know what you’re going to say, “We're supposed to call it an apatosaurus now.” But really, brontosaurus is so much cooler.)

Oh, it's also thought that my blood-sugar is just low. I like that idea. I should probably eat some candy to get sugar. Yeah. I like that medicine.

I'm off to eat a cookie...for my health!

Enjoy!

-DJ

you smell good like a french fry

After years of research and thousands of dollars, scientists have found out why we like the smell of french fries. Using the high-tech, fake-sounding technique of gas chromatography mass spectrometry, we can now tell you why the smell of french fries will make your mouth water.

The french fry aroma is made up of butterscotch, cocoa, onion, flowers, cheese and ironing boards. Now, what is in the smell of ironing boards that makes my mouth water? I don't know. Maybe they need another test with their gas chromatography mass spectrometer machine.

Now here's a test I would like them to try: Make a pie and fill it with butterscotch, cocoa, onions, flowers and cheese and then serve it on an ironing board and see if people still get hungry. I have a strange feeling that they will not eat your pie. If they do eat your pie, there is something seriously wrong with them.

Oh, and they are also saying that fries are good for you because they have vitamin C. Really? French fries? That's like saying it's ok to eat a cardboard box because I dipped it in orange juice. I wouldn't suggest it. Unless you put cheese and flowers on it.

I'm off to make butterscotch, cocoa, onion, flower, cheese and ironing board cologne.

Enjoy!

-DJ

talking with your heart

Valentine's Day is coming up soon. I already got my cards. They are, as if you didn't already know, awesome. I got Spider-Man motion-cards this year. So, it's almost like Spider-Man is moving RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES! Pretty rad, right? And they have clever messages like "I'm caught in your web." I don't know who writes that stuff, but they are smart.

It's also that time of year when you get those hearts with messages on them. I found out that a company is making candy hearts called "BitterSweets." They have mean messages on them instead of nice ones.

For example:

"U LEFT SEAT UP"

"FORGET WE MET"

and "DORKAPHOBIC"

Of course, they have to fit all this on a tiny heart, so spelling and grammar are often ignored, which is fine by me.

I was thinking, though, about a brilliant evolution to the conversation heart besides just making them mean. Why don't they make big ones so you can put a personalized message on them? Wouldn't it be sweet if you got a giant candy heart that said, "You are the most wonderful person in the world and I love you. Happy Valentine's Day!"

Instead you get something like, "TOO HOT." That's a little boring. I would rather it said, "Some people say you are too hot, but you are really just hot enough. And by hot enough, I mean you are way hotter than everybody else, but you don't exceed the necessary amount of hotness."

That is just way more romantic.

Some of them just don't make sense like, "IM SURE." What are you sure of? With my new, patent-pending giant heart, you would know! "I'm sure you already know this, but I love you more than my comic book collection. Which is crazy, because I totally love my comic book collection. I mean, comic books are totally sweet, but I still love you more than that. I'm sure about that. Totally sure."

I'm pretty sure that's what they mean when they say, "IM SURE."

AND, YOU GET TO EAT A GIANT SUGAR HEART! Uh...I'm sold!!!! Hook me up with dat!

I'm off to converse with a heart.

Enjoy!

-DJ

the badminton accord

Sometimes the real news stories are NOT on the front page. I found a story that is sure to rock your world. If not rock your world, it might shimmy your world a little bit.

America's badminton team was going to play some games in Iran, but Iran refused to issue them visas.

The Obama administration said that they are disappointed by the situation. The State Department is saying that this is a breakdown of "shuttlecock diplomacy." No joke. That is the term they use.

This breakdown of shuttlecock diplomacy sends a loud message to America that Iranians have good taste in sports. It's almost insulting to think that they have no desire to watch badminton, except for the fact that it's badminton.

The Badminton World Federation hasn't issued a statement yet, but since nobody really knows about the story, nobody has asked for a statement. Also, nobody really cares.

I know I'm not a sports guy, but when was the last time you had a rousing conversation about badminton? Ever? No.

"Whew! Did you see the Australian Badminton Team in the Uber Cup this weekend?!"

"No."

"Man! That smash was amazing!"

"I didn't watch it."

"And that final tumbling netshot?! Cah-ray-zee!"

"Dude...I didn't watch it."

"I guess it's true what they say...badminton is NOT a wrist game!"

"I'm going to walk away from you before I hit you with a real sport."

Then the guy was pummeled by baseballs, footballs and horseshoes.

Let's hope we can get shuttlecock diplomacy working again. World peace is bound to follow.

I'm off to watch the Sudirman Cup.

Enjoy!

-DJ

sign language

Here's something you might not know. I don't sport. I know there is a sport called baseball. I know that you often have to catch things in various sports. Unless they are on ice. Then you have to hit things. Like each other. Besides that basic knowledge, I'm pretty much lost.

I was doing some research on the web (aka goofing off) and I saw that it was National Signing Day. I thought, "Wow! I've always wanted to learn sign language. Maybe I should do my blog in sign language today. That would be fun!" My thought was quickly unthunk as soon as I saw what National Signing Day was.

This is the day that high school football players send a letter to the colleges that they plan on going to. Then they can play college football and hopefully make big money in the NFL.

If I only saw a headline that said, "It's National Signing Day," then I would never, in a kabillion years, have thought of football. A kabillion is a big number, if you didn't know. Your math teacher may have forgotten to teach it to you.

In my attempt to fit in, I would like to give you my "scripts" for sports conversations. It works the majority of the time. You can choose one of the following sentences.

"Did you see that catch he made?!"

"He moves like a rocket!"

"The Patriots...Tom Brady...kicking."

That last one is for football, but the first two can be used in most sports except hockey. The good thing is that nobody watches hockey unless they are Canadian. So as long as you avoid Canadians, you won't have to worry about weird conversations about icing and checking. Heck, it's probably just sound advice to avoid Canadians in general. Heh...heh...

I'm off to watch the replay of that amazing jumping catch he made on the field.

Enjoy!

-DJ

nerf ninja

I just saw a commercial for the coolest thing ever. Nerf swords. What a great idea! I'm surprised it took them so long to come out with them. I guess Nerf technology wasn't ready for it until recently.

It's part of their "N-Force" which I'm pretty sure means "Ninja Force" because ninjas use swords.

Since it does involve ninjas, they are keeping the information pretty confidential. You can't see much except some pictures.

As soon as these come out, I'm going to buy some. You never know when a duel might occur. Sometimes the mailman comes to my door and says I have to sign for a package. Then he will take out a ninja star and throw it at me. If I had a sword, I could totally take him out. Then sign for my package. Then enjoy the comic books inside. Unless he poisoned them, which has happened more than once. I have a wily mailman. I lost count how many times I've died.

Don't even get me started on the mailwoman who fills in for him sometimes. She's ruthless.

I'll be ready next time you come to my door and try to attack. I've been working on my moves. BAM! Ha! You weren't expecting that move, were ya? I didn't think so.

Oh, and if your kids ask for a Nerf sword, you should get them one. It's good protection. Make sure they have a triceratops to ride, too. Riding a triceratops and holding a sword is probably the coolest image you could have. Do that at the next board meeting and I guarantee you will get you way.

And if you don't, you have a sword and dinosaur to make your point.

Pun intended.

I'm off to duel.

Enjoy!

-DJ

plural possessive

Before I get on with today's topic, I should warn all those grammar-folk out there that this may be offensive. Granted, my grammar is pretty shoddy most of the time, but this time there will be grammar mistakes done on purpose.

Birmingham, England will be getting rid of apostrophes from all street signs. So now you are left to wonder whether "Queens Square" is owned by a queen or just a square populated with queens.

Why did they do this? They say it is too confusing. Really. That's what they said. Birmingham's officials have been debating this for years. It's been a huge problem for people. If my town council was debating this, I would throw oranges at them and tell them to fix the potholes. Or the pothole's potholes.

I guess they COULD get rid of the apostrophe. If anybody asked you to find St. Mary's Road, would you need to know if there was an apostrophe or not? Probably not.

"Hi. I'm an American. Can you help me find something?"

"Cheerio! 'Course I can guvnuh!"

"Can you point me towards St. Mary's Road?

"Are you looking for the road Mary owns or the one with more than one Mary?"

"I guess the one she owns."

"Right-oh, chap! You're on it!"

"Thank you!"

"Cheers!"

I don't think that will ever happen. What I found interesting was that the group of grammar-philes over there yell at stores that use the possessive when they really shouldn't. This would probably annoy me as well.

There are stores that put up signs that say "apple's and pear's". Are they daft? Really? I would go into that store and ask what the apple owns. If they couldn't tell me, I would steal all their apples and say I own them now.

How's that for possessive!

Take that bad grammar.

I'm off to apostrophize.

Enjoy!

-DJ