Friday, July 31, 2009

radio by candle

It’s been a crazy day! The radio station lost power, so we got to work in the dark today! That’s right, a huge chunk of Springfield lost power and we were lucky enough to be affected. We had a generator powering the music. And that’s it. We had candles lighting our way.

It got kinda hot (since we didn’t have air conditioning), but at least it smelled like lavender!

What are you supposed to do when you have no power, you ask? I’ll tell you. Sit in a room with people all morning and get really hot. At least, that’s what it seems like we were doing. I don’t know if you like doing that.

Hopefully you have power. There was also a water main break. So, some people had no water or power. I even heard that some tumbleweeds were blowing down the street. And then a mysterious man rode in on a horse.

Then it started raining, so he rode away.

Hopefully people will start getting power back soon.

I’m off rob a stagecoach.



Wednesday, July 29, 2009


I love hunting catalogs. I mean, I have never hunted and probably never will, but I just LOVE the products they sell. You can buy some of the most amazing things for a hunter.

Like a jerky gun. That's right! You can "make great-tasting jerky right at home." It's a large gun-shaped thing with a tube for the meat and a large handle to squeeze. As you squeeze, the meat comes out in different jerky-shapes. It's like Play-Doh Fun Factory. Except meatier.

Now, there might be people out there who are thinking, "Of course there's a jerky gun. How else did he expect me to make my jerky at home?" And they'd be right. It seems so obvious. But, since I can't remember the last time I ate beef jerky (or any other jerky for that matter), I never really thought about the procedure.

There is a pistol, a blaster AND A SUPER JERKY BLASTER! The Super Blaster has 7.2 volts of jerky pushin' power. That bad boy will "dispense meat only when you want it to."

And we all HATE it when our jerky guns dispense meat when somebody else asks it to. You gotta keep those jerky guns in line!

And that is why we have a Super Jerky Blaster. For the man or woman who wants to keep their meat in control.

It also has a "comfortable, soft-touch handle." Niiiiice.

I'm off to shoot some meat.



Tuesday, July 28, 2009

you won't see me here

Again, sometimes I don't quite understand other cultures. Then again, I don't understand most things that don't involve comic books, so I'm pretty clueless.

England had its annual "Tough Guy Race" a few days ago. Sound like fun? Did you know that you have to sign a death warrant before starting? I guess you have to say they won't be responsible...if you die...from this race.

I know what some people might say, "Well, you run the risk of death every time you get into your car." And they'd be right. BUT, I don't get into my car thinking, "I'm going to drive my car all crazy-like with hopes of risking death."

You have to run through a pond full of leeches, scale a 40ft tall wall, and even run over burning tires. How do you decide to do all that?!

"So, what do you want to do today?"

"Hmmm...How about we care for kittens at the local shelter?"

"OR! We could go run over burning tires!"

"Well slap my wrists and call me sprinkles! I'm all about that!"

"Really? I was just kidding. I'm all about the kittens."

" too. I love kittens. Like, way more than catching on fire."

So, if you're a tough guy or gal, you can go cover yourself with leeches and play with fire. I'll stick to fluffy bunnies.

I'm off to toughen up.



Thursday, July 23, 2009

gloves for your feet

There seems to be a lot of talk these days about those Vibram Five Finger shoes. They aren't really shoes. They are like gloves for your feet. You can see each toe. And they look stupid.

I'm not one to completely care about fashion, as MANY have pointed out, but there is a point when I might say, "Do I really want feet gloves?" To which I'll answer, "NO!"

Apparently there is some sort of "science" behind this idea. They say it's better to run barefoot because that is how we evolved.

Yeah, well as much as I like nature, it didn't get EVERYTHING right.

Like the manatee. What does that do? I love manatees, but really, they look like floating rocks.

Or flamingos. Talk about NOT blending in. They're just asking to be attacked by predators! Yeah, let's stand on one leg and BE BRIGHT PINK! Nobody will find us!

Or Canadians! Sheesh! (I don't know what that means, but it's been far too long since I made fun of my friends to the north)

So if you feel inspired to run around barefoot, go for it. If you feel inspired to run around with foot-gloves, just go barefoot. Please. Nobody wants another "crocs" fad. I don't think the world can handle it.

I'm off to run with SHOES on.



Tuesday, July 21, 2009

mix tapes

Sometimes you notice that you are getting old. At least I do. I did when I asked a younger person about mix tapes. They don't have them anymore. They were so popular for years! Then they died quickly when digital media got so cheap and easy.

I would like to make a mix tape. I don't think anybody could listen to it, but I still want to make one. It was truly a labor of love. Especially when you had to go tape-to-tape. You had to find the song you wanted on one tape and then put it onto the blank tape. CDs made it a little easier, but it still took a long time.

And you wanted to hit pause on the tape deck because you would hear that click if you hit stop. Pause only made a slight "shwrit" noise. Much cleaner.

You could decorate the tape and the case for it. Usually with hearts because you made it for a girl you liked.

Now kids can buy and iPod and put 1000 songs on it and say, "All of these songs make me think of you." But back then, we had to pick the top 20-30 songs, so they REALLY had to mean something.

You kids have it so easy. We spent hours trying to impress girls. Now you can just transfer everything over to your mp3 player.

Did you ever make a mix tape? Decorated and everything? Or did you get a bunch of them? I still have mine. They're memories. I never taped over them. Kids can just delete the songs with the push of a button now. We had to get scotch tape and put it over the holes where the tabs were popped out.

Oh well...

I'm off to yell at those kids to get off my lawn.



Friday, July 17, 2009

moon landings

It's been 40 years since we landed on the moon. I say we, but WE didn't actually do it. At least I didn't. Maybe you did.

It seems people at NASA aren't so great with recording things because they lost original TV transmissions of the moon landings. Yeah. That's why we always see a cruddy copy of it. NASA didn't feel that putting humans on a celestial object was all that important.

I'm glad I don't have NASA in charge of my DVR. I might miss an episode of So You Think You Can Dance. If don't get my weekly dose of SYTYCD, I get cranky. And not just adult cranky, more like a hungry baby who needs a diaper change cranky.

What were they thinking? That this would happen every day?

NASA 1: Hey, can I take one of these tapes?

NASA 2: Sure, I think it's just one of those moon landing tapes. Why do you need it?

NASA 1: I want to tape the next episode of Green Acres. It looks Hi-Lar-I-Ous!

NASA 2: I love that show! I think I'll take one of those tapes too! Stupid moon landing. Who would want to watch that again when we have Green Acres?


It's a good thing Buzz brought his camera phone up there or we might not have ANY video of the event. It's too bad camera phone quality wasn't as good back then. I don't know how people survived without 8.59 megapixel cameras.

I'm off to land on the moon.



Wednesday, July 15, 2009

fist bu...oh...I mean pound it

It's strange to hang out with people who are younger and hipper than I am. I learn a lot. Like what the new phrases are for things to keep them cool since the action is still cool but the name for it has lost its cool.

Let me explain:

I'm directing a musical (which I will plug because it's for a good cause) at South Hadley High School. The show is Working. It's awesome. It's happening there July 23, 24 and 25 at 7pm. The money raised goes to the school's theater program. So come and help them out!

So, a lot of the people in the show are younger. At least, younger to me. College age. Around 20. They informed me that the "fist bump" is no longer the proper term for...uh...well…the actual motion of fist bumping. Now it's called "pounding". So, if I want to commend someone on a job well done, I have to say, "Pound it!" Followed by a fist bump. Or a pound, I guess?

Yeah. I never had to yell the words fist bump, I just did it. Saying to somebody "pound it" reminds me of the high five.

"That was totally rad! High Five!"

So, is pound it cooler? Probably.

Oh, and I learned it's not cool to say "pound me" when you are ready for a fist bump. I don't know why. That sounds just as stup...I mean cool.

I can't keep up with kids these days. I'm just going to start hugging people and say "huggabaloo!"

That'll make me cool.

I'm off to pound it.



Tuesday, July 14, 2009

the dark side of toast

If you're looking to have some good toast in the morning, this is not for you. This is for people who want bad toast. Like, evil toast. So evil that they would build a weapon the size of a small moon. And call it a Death Star.

If that's you, then the Star Wars toaster is just what you're looking for. It will make your toast AND make a darker image of Darth Vader on the toast!

The force is strong in that toaster. At least, the force of the heat from the Darth Vader image is strong.

You know what you CAN do! Jam the transmission! HA! (Spaceballs joke!). If you don't want Vader's message getting out, you can put some jam on his face and make sure the empire never gets the order to blow up Tattooine.

You could jelly the transmission, too. But that's not as funny. And it doesn't make me think of Spaceballs, which IS funny. You should watch that movie.

Breakfast would be pretty dramatic every day. So that would be cool, too.

Me: I'll never join you!

Me (speaking into my sippy cup to get a cool Darth Vader echo): If you only knew the power of the Dark Side. Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Me: He told me enough! He told me you killed him.

Me (as Vader): No. I am your father.

Me (as me): No. No! That's not true! That's impossible!

Me (as Vader): Search your feelings. You know it to be true.

Me (as me again): No! Nooooooo! *CRUNCH!*

I crunch because I ate the toast, not because I fell down an air shaft in Cloud City. That would be cool, but I would also be missing my hand. Not so great.

I'm off to use the butter my toast.



Monday, July 13, 2009

um...this thing...I...hmmmm...

I have no idea how to describe this, so I'm just going to blurt it out. In China, there is a mountain that lays eggs. It's true! The board of tourism says so!

They say that Gandeng Mountain has laid more than 100 eggs. And another one is expected soon. So you might want to book your next vacation to Gulu, China. To see a mountain. Lay an egg.

The article didn't specify what comes out of the egg. I think it's a baby mountain.

They're very cute. And playful. But you have to watch out for their peaks. They can be sharp. They're like baby porcupines or baby jellyfish. Fun to play with, but you could go home with an injury.

I guess the same could be said for human babies, too. Especially babies on roller skates. Scary AND dangerous.

I'm off to see a mountain baby.



Thursday, July 9, 2009

fun dreams

I think I've talked about my dreams before. I usually don't remember them, but I woke up last night and wrote this down because I did NOT want to forget it.

I think I was in college. Or some sort of community housing. I don't really know. One of my neighbors was a friend of mine, Kevin. Kevin and I went to college together. He's cool. Hi Kevin! (if you're reading this)

So, Kevin comes over and I'm working on my computer. Pretty boring, right? Then Kevin leaves and THOR COMES OVER TO SAY HI!

Yes! Thor! The Norse God of Thunder! Also a superhero in the Marvel Universe. You know, he fights bad guys with Captain America and Spider-Man! And he hits people with a HUGE HAMMER! WHAM!

Thor went to college with me! How cool is that?! Wanna hear the conversation?

Thor: Hey.

Me: Hi.


I am officially the COOLEST person ever.

I'm off to see if Thor wants to order a pizza with a side of WHAM!



Tuesday, July 7, 2009

fabric softener

I don't think I've ever used fabric softener. It sounds like a lovely product, but I just never got around to checking it out.

I finally bought some, but I'm a little scared. There is a warning on the back that says my clothes might catch on fire! It's true! It says that it will make flame-resistant clothes LESS flame-resistant and regular clothes more flame-susceptible!

Why should I worry? What if it's a really hot day! The sun is shining on me and FWOOSH! Flame on!

Even if it's a mild day, I might look really good. What if I happen to look "too hot" for my clothes?! My immense hotness could cause my clothes to burst into flames!

These are some scary thoughts that I'm sure you've all had. I don't know what to do about it. I guess fabric softener might be ok for polar bears, but not for humans.

It's just not safe.

I'm off to find some fabric hardener.



Monday, July 6, 2009

hand smell

Have you ever had one of those days where your hands smell good? Like Play Doh. Or pancakes.

I love it when that happens.

You might look a little strange because you keep sniffing your hands, but it's totally worth it. I don't know why it happens, but I wouldn't complain about it. Unfortunately, you have to wash your hands at some point in time. At least, you should.

Being surprised by a good smell is always a good time. I wish more things smelled good. Like scratch and sniff stickers. Or pie.

I'm off to smell my hands.



Thursday, July 2, 2009

worm your way to the top

England has a contest where people try to get worms to come out of the ground. They do this by creating vibrations above the dirt so the worms will freak out and come to the top so they don't have to feel little earthquakes. They call it worm charming, but I'm pretty sure it's really worm freaking outing.

I don't know why people do this. But I can't imagine that it's pleasant for the worms.

Worm 1: So Mortimer, how are you liking this vintage 1947 dirt?

Worm 2: Why Sylvia, it's just charming!

Worm 1: I had a feeling you'd like it.

(sudden earthquake)

Worm 2: What's going on!

Worm 1: I don't know! But let's get out of the house!

(they escape!)

Worm 2: Holy segmented body! What are those giant creatures?!

Worm 1: They're aliens destroying our world! Be still my 5 beating hearts!

See? Not so great, is it! How would you like it if a giant worm started beating your house so you had to run out of it?

I believe I've made my point clear. Dirt tastes better when it's older.

I'm off to charm a worm...wait...that's not supposed to sound like that.