solar stormin

The sun is getting excited. And that means it's time for some SOLAR STORMS!

They may sound fun, but according to scientists, they mess up all sorts of electronics. Including GPS. So, if you are driving in a solar storm, you might get directions to a McDonald's drive-thru window when you wanted to go to Home Depot.

"How may I help you?"

"I'd like to get a chainsaw."

"Um...sorry sir, we don't have that. Would you like a Big Mac?"

"No. I need something to cut down a tree."

"..."

"Hello?"

"A Happy Meal, maybe?"

"Fine."

Get ready for a lot of confusion, kids!

Get your umbrellas, too. Solar storms can get a little crazy. Sometimes, if you catch them at just the right moment, you can see a solarbow. It's like a rainbow, except it's from a solar storm. And way prettier. Like if a rainbow put on a fancy dress and was picked for prom queen.

That's pretty.

I'm off to try on my solar dress.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

change

I like it when I get change from a cashier. I can always use quarters for laundry. It's very helpful. Sometimes it's a little off, though.

I understand counting out the change. I mean, if you need 57 cents back, they'll say, "25, 50, 55, 56, 57."

That is a quarter, a quarter, a nickel, a penny, and a penny. If you didn't figure it out on your own. Which you probably did, but I just wanted to make sure that I did it correctly.

I think some people forget which coins are available, though. Yesterday I got two dimes and a nickel back. That makes 25 cents.

Also represented in quarter form.

I love it when that happens. It reminds me to stop taking the easy way and go for gusto! People don't want the same old bland quarter! Give'em THREE coins instead! It'll rattle in my pocket more. Making my leg a musical instrument.

And you can tell by the way I use my walk that I'm a musical-leg man. No time to talk.

Just to sing along with my leg.

Except now I don't have quarters for laundry. Aw biscuits.

I'm off to get some change.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

galileo

Galileo died in 1642. 95 years after he died, people decided to get some souvenirs. So, they took a tooth, a thumb, a finger, another finger and a vertebra from his body.

Because, you know, he's dead...what does he care, right?

And lucky for us, these wonderful things will be on display in the Florence Galileo Museum! Hot diggity!

First off, what compelled these guys to steal this stuff in the first place? Were they thinking of selling it on eBay? I think there are rules against that, so that wouldn't work. And somebody just told me that eBay wasn't around in the 1700s, but they might be lying. I'm pretty sure eBay has been around forever.

Secondly, aren't they afraid that Zombie Galileo is going to be a little upset? I could deal with a missing tooth. And maybe a vertebra. But missing a thumb and two fingers? How is he going to play guitar? I mean, the dude is super famous for inventing the telecaster. Without his ingenious ideas, who knows what kind of guitars we'd be playing today.

I think he also noticed some moons around Jupiter, but that's not really important.

He also played the lute. Like Sting. I think they went on tour together a few years ago. I heard it was a good show but that Galileo was the real star. (yeah...that's supposed to be funny)

I'm off to play with my lute.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

if u kan reed this

The spelling bee is happening tonight! I love the spelling bee. It's so much fun to watch. It is the only sport that I can get into. I even have a fantasy spelling bee team online. Okay, that's a lie, but I would if I knew how to get online.

Of course, nothing is without controversy. Or double negativity. There is a group of protesters at the spelling bee who want us to simplify spelling. They say the alphabet is useless because we have so many strange rules with our language.

For example, on their website they ask the question "Why don't comb, tomb and bomb rhyme?"

Good question. Our language is crazy. I'm a huge fan of silent letters, but that's about it. So, in honor of our simplified spellers, I'm going to attempt to write the rest of this story as they would.

I gess I didn't reelly think abowt wut I wuz going tu write becuz I don't no wut tu say. I can't wate tu see the spelling be toonite. It is going tu be totally awesum. I will make sum fude to eet. It will be good.
I have a feeling my spell chek is going tu hate me for this blawg. I don't care, tho. My spell chek is always making fun of me. It calls me names.

Ok, enuf of this. I don't no wut els to write. I see a fone. It is blak. I ware shoos on my feet. I kan sing uhlong with a lawt uv Paula Abdul songs.

I'm awff tu fite with my spell chek.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

diamond saw

BP keeps working on ways to stop the oil leak. Leak is kind of a weak word for what's happening there. We'll call it the oil explusion. It's not quite an explosion, but close enough.

They tried robots with diamond saws to cut the pipe so they can cap it. Scared? You should be. What do we really know about these robots? They live on the bottom of the ocean. AND THEY HAVE DIAMOND SAW-HANDS!

If I learned anything from history/comic books, it's that humans and ocean-dwellers do NOT get along. Namor, the prince of Atlantis, is ALWAYS attacking the land-walkers because we're destroying the ocean!

Sure, these robots say they will help stop the gushing, but once it is fixed, who knows what they'll do! Remember what I said earlier? DIAMOND SAW-HANDS!

Diamonds can cut through glass! You can't keep these things out of your house! They'll just cut through the windows! Diamonds are the hardest substance on Earth! (Using the Mohs scale of mineral hardness, of course.)

I mean, I have a pretty tough Nerf ninja sword, but who knows if that will protect me from swarms of diamond-saw robots.

I won't give up easily. If I have to fight back, I will. I am made from the awesomest substance on Earth. (Using the Unicorn scale of person awesomeness, of course.)

And Snapple is made from the best stuff on earth. I like Snapple. It's good.

I'm off to get some apple juice.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

going home

I was thinking about my old home the other day. My family has all moved away and the house now belongs to somebody else. I was thinking about it because I know somebody who moved to that area and they were actually looking at houses in Franklin, the town where I grew up!

I know some people move around a lot, but I did not. I was in the same house for 20 years. That's a long time! Am I allowed to go back and visit? Do I have any legal right to hang out in my old room even though it belongs to some new kid now?

I really want to go back and say hello. I just want to see what it looks like. Has anybody ever gone back to an old home and met the new tenants?

Do you think they would let me play in the yard? Maybe grab a skateboard and ride up and down the driveway? If they have kids, could we play Lazer Tag?

I'm not talking about those places you play inside, but that one with the guns and sensors from the 80's. Remember that? That was cool. I used to play at night. I don't remember it working too well, but I do remember running around a lot and shooting people.

That part was fun. I think I left my Lazer Tag stuff in that house. I hope they kept it. I also hope they kept my Nerf guns because I kinda want those back.

I'm off to find some lazer guns.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

the grinder

For those of you who aren't from Western Mass, a "grinder" is a sub. You know, that oval-looking sandwich thing with your choice of veggies and meats put inside. I know there are many names for a sub, but around here, they somehow got the name grinder. Don't ask me, I'm from the other side of the state where people call them subs.

Anyway, I was at a store that sells these grinders and heard something funny. A woman went up to the counter and asked "How big is a 30-inch grinder?"

I almost stopped to answer. It seemed so simple to me! I thought, "I can totally answer that question! And I don't even work here!"

I've never felt so smart in my life! I can't figure anything out when I go shopping. But this! This I know!

I did not stop. I went on with the rest of my shopping. I didn't want to show off or anything. Studies have shown that I am a near-genius. And trust me, being a near-genius gets you all of nothing except for the fact that you can try to tell small children that you are smart.

Even then, there's a 50/50 chance that they are smarter than I am. But I'm bigger, so they can't prove anything. I can also run faster. And swing higher.

And I'm old enough to rent a car. I hope you like walking, kid!

Yeah...I'm off to ponder how my life has gone so wrong.

Enjoy Everything

-DJ