we're gonna put you in a can and surround you with rockets to see what happens

It's the 50th anniversary of the first man in space! Yuri Gagarin decided to throw caution to the wind and take the trip. Actually, he probably took caution, stepped on it, set it on fire, hit it with a hammer, ran a tank over it, and then threw it to the wind.

They put this guy in a small metal craft and shot him into space. And he was all for it! Who does that?! He didn't even have control over the ship! The guys on Earth did!

So what if that stopped working? He just had to "hope" that he wouldn't hit anything. Like Mars. Or Australia. Or Green Lantern.

Nobody even had any reason to go to space. They just hadn't been there before, so why not?

I've never been in a paper clip factory, but I'm not gonna just go there because nobody else has. With giant rockets attached to me. That might blow up.

Yuri went into space for 98 minutes. And thanks to his crazy boldness, we have GPS and Astronaut Ice Cream. Two of my 17 favorite things.

Everything tastes better when it is freeze-dried. And when I can find it.

I'm off to cryodesiccate.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

lance stardust: comet hunter

In 1999 NASA launched the space probe "Stardust." A "comet hunter" that followed a comet and sent us samples of the comet trail.

I want to be a comet hunter! I would change my name to Magnum Chase and ride a space sea horse! I could have a laser lasso that would catch comets that go rogue!

Like if a comet tied a damsel to some intergalactic train tracks! I could swoop in to save the day. With a laser lasso!

That would be awesome.

I would also only eat toast. Because I know how to make toast. Even in the frozen depths of space. Where it would stay fresh. Since it would be frozen.

I used to want to be an architect. I think I'll go for "comet hunter" instead.

Thank you Stardust. You're an inspiration.

I'm off to make toast.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

the outer space tastes like raspberries

Scientists were licking around space and found out that it tastes like raspberries.

Okay, so they weren't actually using their tongues.  They were using a tongue that looked more like an IRAM telescope that could see electromagnet radiation. 

Similar to a tongue.  Mine, at least. 

While they were tasting space, they found an abundance of ethyl formate!  I know!  Amazing! 

Oh, ethyl formate is the chemical that gives raspberries their raspberry flavor.  But you probably knew that already. 

So if you were to go lick space, it would taste like a raspberry!

Unfortunately, they also found a lot of the deadly chemical propyl cyanide. 

So, I guess space tastes like RASPBERRIES OF DOOM!

If you buy some raspberry jam and it says "Manufactured in a facility in space with propyl cyanide," I wouldn't eat it.

But that's just me.  I don't like raspberry jam...of doom.

I'm off to lick some space.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

votes in space

Three American astronauts on the International Space Station voted from space.  I THINK that means they had to vote for the governor of space.  And maybe some representatives or something. 

Space elections are tough because you have to put on your space suit before you go into the booth.  The booth is usually floating around.  You just have to be ready for it when it goes by. 

I voted in space once.  I voted for Galactus.  The ballot didn't say much.  It just said, "Who do you vote for?" and under that it said "Galactus." 

So, I figured I would go for the winning team.  He won.  But then the Fantastic Four had to get rid of him for trying to eat the planet. 

Well I didn't know he was going to do that when I voted for him!  Sheesh.  If I HAD known, I would have written in Silver Surfer or something. 

I am NOT an advocate for planet-eating. 

Unless the planet is a cupcake.  Then I might look the other way.

I'm off to vote it up.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

pen pal

Did you know that I've been cleaning out a bunch of stuff from storage? If you want some old comic books, let me know. I can probably hook you up.

I found a letter from a pen pal I had in 1987. I think I wrote one letter to him. He wrote one letter back to me. Here's what I know about my pen pal:

-His name is Derrick

-He likes to go fishing.

-His dad got him a newt.

-He was happy to get my letter.

And that's Derrick, ladies and gentlemen!

I wonder if he's still out there somewhere. I wonder if he still has the letter I sent him? Do you think he still likes fishing? What happened to that newt he was so excited about?

These are questions that I may never find answers to. I bet Derrick is thinking the same thing about me. So I'll answer Derrick's questions from my letter to him:

-I haven't gone fishing in years.

-I still like the color red.

-I did become a ninja space pirate.

There you go Derrick. All your questions are now answered. Write back.

I'm off to find a pen pal.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

hole in space

There is a hole in space. And nobody seems too worried about it.

At first, scientists were pretty cool with it. They thought it might be a very dense cloud and infrared light would see through it. No such luck. It's just a hole. In space.

So far the hole doesn't seem to be causing any problems. But, you gotta wonder...what kind of weapon can blow a hole in space?

Not one that I would like to meet! What if giant, alien caterpillars have giant space-penetrating guns?! Shouldn't we be a little worried about that?!

Just because it doesn't seem likely, doesn't mean it isn't true. I hit a nail into a piece of wood once. That's kinda the same thing. Except bigger nails.

Don't believe me? It's true. I even bought a hammer for it. I used to use random blunt objects, but I've gotten so good at building things that I figured I would get a hammer. I'm pretty handy with it.

Fine. Don't believe me. See if I fix your space-hole problem.

I'm off to build a spice rack.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

space cadet pet

I have a new idea for a cartoon! A mouse, two turtles and a couple of worms fly around space in a rocket and get into all sorts of crazy adventures!

What? Oh...you're right...it's not really my idea. It's Iran's. They launched a rocket with a mouse, two turtles and worms into space the other day. Their pets didn't do much except fall back to Earth. MY idea has them landing on different planets. So it's kinda different.

Iran did it to show off their rocket skills. I'm doing it to make millions from parents who want to buy their kids toys based on my cartoon series.

You don't think they could sue me, do you? Can a country sue one person? Maybe Iran would be honored because they were the inspiration for my cartoon.

I don't know. What do you think? Should I risk getting Iran mad? They'll understand, right?

I already have a bunch of ideas! In one episode, they are going to land on a small moon where phones ring backwards. How will they get out of that mess?! You'll have to watch it and see!

I'm off to work on my show ideas.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

space program

In space, everybody can smell your breath. Or so I'm told. By China.

China has some strict rules for their astronauts. If you want to get up to that space station in the sky, you must NOT have bad breath. And that is only one of their requirements.

Some of the other rules are that you cannot have a runny nose, no scars, and no cavities. They also said that your wife has to allow you to go. Implying that women aren't allowed in space.

Why? Well, we all know how it is in space. If you were a woman with a runny nose, scars and cavities, you might...um...scare...uh...I don't know. There's nothing up there! Do they think some alien life form (or ALF, as the government calls them) won't talk to you if you have scars? Aliens might love a good scar story!

Female Astronaut: Hello ALF!

ALF: I'm not talking to you.

Female Astronaut: Why not?

ALF: You have a scar. And a cavity. And you are a woman.

Female Astronaut: Yeah, but you should hear the story about how I got the scar! It involves a samurai and a pile of waffles!

ALF: (holding his hand in front of her face) See this? This is me not talking to you.

Female Astronaut: Jerk.

And that is why China is leading the way in space travel! They know how it is up there! You have a degree in space travel? WHO CARES! You didn't brush your teeth enough! OUT!

I like brushing my teeth.

I'm off to apply for a job in the Australian space program. They'll take just about anybody.

Enjoy!

-DJ

things in space

Sometimes we forget that there is stuff in space. You can't see it, so you might not think it's there. Like people. In space. That's pretty amazing.

Not a lot of people have gone into space. This group of astronauts has to fix the Hubble. I love the Hubble. It's a pretty awesome camera. It's even better than my Fisher Price 110 camera. Mostly because I can't buy the film anymore. But partly because I am not in space.

The astronauts have to remove 111 small screws to replace a spectrograph on the Hubble. First of all, when designing the Hubble, why didn't they make, like, 4 big screws. Didn't they know that if repairs were needed to be done in space that people would be wearing space suits?! IN SPACE! Where you can die pretty easily! So you kinda have to wear this giant suit with large gloves!

I know how those guys feel. It's like trying to thread a needle when you have the shakes. Unlucky for me, I always have the shakes, so if I had to thread 111 needles, I might explode. Luckily, though, I AM helpful when a beverage needs be shaken well.

So, they're in space. Fixing stuff that moves 7.7 km/s. (about 25,000 ft/s) I wonder if they are moving that fast. Do they not notice because everything is that fast? Does it not really feel like anything because there is no gravity? If I were running in space, could I catch up with the Flash? Does eating a cherry pie count as a fruit and a whole grain?

So many unanswered questions. Hopefully the Hubble can help us find the answers.

I'm off to walk in space.

Enjoy!

-DJ