I went for a short trip to New Hampshire this past weekend. I'm not one to go on vacation a lot because it usually costs money. That makes it hard to do anything. Luckily, I found a great internet special that got me two nights at the hotel for only $40. Nice, right? Well, I didn't go alone, and that's kinda why it was so cheap.
The trip was to Waterville Valley. It's a very small ski town in New Hampshire that I used to go to as a small child. My family liked to ski. I even liked to ski when I was younger. Now I wouldn't ski if you paid me in gummy bears. Unless it was a mountain of gummy bears equal to or greater than the mountain that you wanted me to ski on.
I haven't been there in many years and wanted to check it out again. Things are never the same as you remember them. For example, the pond was empty. Yeah. It is now a big hole. I think they are going to fill it up again, but they're doing some work on it.
Also, the pizza place didn't have the same arcade games that they used to. I wasn't expecting it, but I was hoping. I loved the pizza place because it was one of the last places ON EARTH that had the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles arcade game. They definitely had it during the mid '90s, but I guess they decided to update the arcade a little bit. It's possible the game blew up from being so awesome and they couldn't replace the parts anymore because it was so old. That happens a lot.
I also slipped while I was hiking and got scrapes on both of my forearms. It was cool because it looked like I had racing stripes. I felt like The Flash...except I couldn't run very fast and my arms hurt. I guess having racing stripes doesn't make you run faster, it just makes you look cooler.
The leaves were also cool because they were very colorful. I think it has to do with the explosion of a crayon factory in the area. It got into the soil and made pretty trees. I liked it. I wish crayons would blow up everywhere.
Overall, it was a pretty sweet trip. Partly because they had some great candy there, but mostly because it is a really cool place to go. You should check it out. I think you'll like it.
Hopefully I'll get up there again when there isn't a hurricane. And maybe the pond will have water in it. And maybe, just maybe, the Ninja Turtles arcade game will be back at the pizza place after getting fixed.
I'm off to clock my running speed.
Enjoy!
-DJ
Monday, September 29, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
magic
I enjoy magic. It's fun. I know it's illusions and silliness, but it's illusions and silliness that I can't do, so it's fun to watch somebody else do it.
I like the classics. Pulling coins out of your ear or picking the right card out of the deck. I would like to know how to get coins out of people's ears because then I could have lots of money. I would just pull big bills out of people and keep it.
"OOOH! Look what came out of your head! A twenty dollar bill!"
"WOW!"
"See ya!" (running away)
Ha! They wouldn't know what hit them. I bring this up because of David Blaine. I heard about his "hanging upside-down" trick and saw that the ending was a dud. Before I get to that, I want to say that David Blaine seems like a decent magician.
I went on youtube to find the lame ending to his trick, but instead a bunch of his "street tricks" came up. He does this one where he steals your watch when he's doing a card trick. It's funny. I'd probably punch him in the face if he did it to me, but that's because I usually keep my watch in my pocket and that would be rude.
So, are you ready for the big finale to his "I'm gonna hang upside-down" trick? He was supposed to dive from a 44-foot high platform and before he hit the bottom he would be carried away by balloons. Instead, he just jumped down, not really a dive, hung there for a moment and then floated away. It was pretty lame. I have a feeling that if he dove, it still would have been pretty lame.
His "illusions" aren't really illusions at all. Is hanging upside-down really an illusion? He lived in a fish tank for a few days a while ago. Is that really an illusion? I don't think so. I don't get the trick. It's more like performance art. Which is all fine and dandy, but don't tell me it's an illusion. UNLESS he wasn't really hanging upside-down or living underwater and was, in fact, sitting on a couch eating Sun Chips. That would be a good trick, but I don't think that's what happened.
Let me tell you about REAL magic. Harry Potter. Yeah. Try THAT David Blaine. I'd like to see you fight off Chris Angel by yelling "Expelliarmus!" I bet that would do a whole lot of NOTHING! BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT HARRY POTTER!
I bet he can't even play quidditch. Pffft...loser.
I'm off to platform nine and three quarters.
Enjoy!
-DJ
I like the classics. Pulling coins out of your ear or picking the right card out of the deck. I would like to know how to get coins out of people's ears because then I could have lots of money. I would just pull big bills out of people and keep it.
"OOOH! Look what came out of your head! A twenty dollar bill!"
"WOW!"
"See ya!" (running away)
Ha! They wouldn't know what hit them. I bring this up because of David Blaine. I heard about his "hanging upside-down" trick and saw that the ending was a dud. Before I get to that, I want to say that David Blaine seems like a decent magician.
I went on youtube to find the lame ending to his trick, but instead a bunch of his "street tricks" came up. He does this one where he steals your watch when he's doing a card trick. It's funny. I'd probably punch him in the face if he did it to me, but that's because I usually keep my watch in my pocket and that would be rude.
So, are you ready for the big finale to his "I'm gonna hang upside-down" trick? He was supposed to dive from a 44-foot high platform and before he hit the bottom he would be carried away by balloons. Instead, he just jumped down, not really a dive, hung there for a moment and then floated away. It was pretty lame. I have a feeling that if he dove, it still would have been pretty lame.
His "illusions" aren't really illusions at all. Is hanging upside-down really an illusion? He lived in a fish tank for a few days a while ago. Is that really an illusion? I don't think so. I don't get the trick. It's more like performance art. Which is all fine and dandy, but don't tell me it's an illusion. UNLESS he wasn't really hanging upside-down or living underwater and was, in fact, sitting on a couch eating Sun Chips. That would be a good trick, but I don't think that's what happened.
Let me tell you about REAL magic. Harry Potter. Yeah. Try THAT David Blaine. I'd like to see you fight off Chris Angel by yelling "Expelliarmus!" I bet that would do a whole lot of NOTHING! BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT HARRY POTTER!
I bet he can't even play quidditch. Pffft...loser.
I'm off to platform nine and three quarters.
Enjoy!
-DJ
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
put the lime in the cocoa butter
I went to the store this weekend and needed lip balm. That's not that only thing I needed, but I don't think you want my entire grocery list. Heck, I even bought stuff that wasn't on the list...like cookies...twice.
Anyway, I chap easily, so I generally have lip balm with me. I usually get a plain one or that minty bert's bees one, but this time I found something awesome.
Lime Rocket. SHOOOOOOOOOM!
Well, the shooooom isn't really part of the title, but if there were an actual lime rocket, I imagine it would blast off with a shooooom sound.
In my glossy excitement, I purchased my certified organic lime rocket lip balm. After the excitement wore off, I realized I might have bought a girl product. I'm not sure, though.
Lime is a manly scent, isn't it? I like the smell of lime. You might see a lime playing football. Limes enjoy a good mexican beer. Limes get into bar fights a lot. I've seen limes play with hammers and smash stuff. Those are all generally manish things, right?
Why do I think it COULD be for the ladies? It's in a larger container which could mean it's meant for a purse instead of a pocket. It smells like lime. I know that was my man defense, but it would work for women too. And it's not just any lime smell, it's a pretty lime smell. Also, I've seen limes in high heels. Limes enjoy watching Grey's Anatomy. I've even seen limes wearing lipstick.
So, you can clearly see my dilemma. I'm still going to use it, though. It smells like lime candy. I like lime candy. I want lime candy smell under my nose. I bet you do too. If you say you don't, you're lying. Limes don't like it when you lie. Or steal. So don't take my lime rocket.
I'm off to smell my lime-lips.
Enjoy!
-DJ
Anyway, I chap easily, so I generally have lip balm with me. I usually get a plain one or that minty bert's bees one, but this time I found something awesome.
Lime Rocket. SHOOOOOOOOOM!
Well, the shooooom isn't really part of the title, but if there were an actual lime rocket, I imagine it would blast off with a shooooom sound.
In my glossy excitement, I purchased my certified organic lime rocket lip balm. After the excitement wore off, I realized I might have bought a girl product. I'm not sure, though.
Lime is a manly scent, isn't it? I like the smell of lime. You might see a lime playing football. Limes enjoy a good mexican beer. Limes get into bar fights a lot. I've seen limes play with hammers and smash stuff. Those are all generally manish things, right?
Why do I think it COULD be for the ladies? It's in a larger container which could mean it's meant for a purse instead of a pocket. It smells like lime. I know that was my man defense, but it would work for women too. And it's not just any lime smell, it's a pretty lime smell. Also, I've seen limes in high heels. Limes enjoy watching Grey's Anatomy. I've even seen limes wearing lipstick.
So, you can clearly see my dilemma. I'm still going to use it, though. It smells like lime candy. I like lime candy. I want lime candy smell under my nose. I bet you do too. If you say you don't, you're lying. Limes don't like it when you lie. Or steal. So don't take my lime rocket.
I'm off to smell my lime-lips.
Enjoy!
-DJ
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
text factor
Did you see that study about texting and driving? If you didn't, it said that texting while you are driving is bad. Very bad.
They got a bunch of kids 17-24 and had them in simulators and checked their reaction time behind the wheel. They found that texting slowed their reaction time by 35%. They also tested reaction time with marijuana and alcohol. Marijuana slowed their reaction time by 21% and alcohol slowed them down by 12%.
I'm wondering what they used for the simulator. Is it a video game? I love those racing games at the arcade. I wish I had one. Maybe at the dinner table. I could eat and drive at the same time.
I also liked that skateboard simulator game. That was cool, too. If you never played it, go find it somewhere and enjoy.
Anyway, I was thinking about that study and wondered how people got involved in it. When I was in college and I was looking for some summer work, I remember thinking about one of those sleep studies. It paid pretty well, but I think I would have been uncomfortable sleeping with a bunch of people staring at me. And who knows what they would do. They might have dipped my finger in warm water. Or maybe written a naughty word on my forehead with a Sharpie. Or covered me in shaving cream. Or made fun of my Superman jammies.
So, what did the ad say for this study?
"Hey, kids! We need men and women between the ages of 17 and 24 for a fun study! We have cell phones, alcohol and pot! We also have video games! WOW! Not only that, but we'll pay you! Text us your info and we'll call you back! Remember, it's for science! Hooray for science!"
Yeah. That might have gotten a few responses. I wonder if they would have let me play video games in my jammies. Hmmm...that does sound enticing.
I'm off to donate my body to science.
Enjoy!
-DJ
They got a bunch of kids 17-24 and had them in simulators and checked their reaction time behind the wheel. They found that texting slowed their reaction time by 35%. They also tested reaction time with marijuana and alcohol. Marijuana slowed their reaction time by 21% and alcohol slowed them down by 12%.
I'm wondering what they used for the simulator. Is it a video game? I love those racing games at the arcade. I wish I had one. Maybe at the dinner table. I could eat and drive at the same time.
I also liked that skateboard simulator game. That was cool, too. If you never played it, go find it somewhere and enjoy.
Anyway, I was thinking about that study and wondered how people got involved in it. When I was in college and I was looking for some summer work, I remember thinking about one of those sleep studies. It paid pretty well, but I think I would have been uncomfortable sleeping with a bunch of people staring at me. And who knows what they would do. They might have dipped my finger in warm water. Or maybe written a naughty word on my forehead with a Sharpie. Or covered me in shaving cream. Or made fun of my Superman jammies.
So, what did the ad say for this study?
"Hey, kids! We need men and women between the ages of 17 and 24 for a fun study! We have cell phones, alcohol and pot! We also have video games! WOW! Not only that, but we'll pay you! Text us your info and we'll call you back! Remember, it's for science! Hooray for science!"
Yeah. That might have gotten a few responses. I wonder if they would have let me play video games in my jammies. Hmmm...that does sound enticing.
I'm off to donate my body to science.
Enjoy!
-DJ
Friday, September 19, 2008
psycho-pirate
It's "talk-like-a-pirate" day today. I bet you didn't know that. Nobody does. That's only because Hallmark hasn't made a card yet. But really, do you want a card about talking like a pirate?
(front of card)
Roses be red, matey
Violets be blue
Arrrrrrr
(open the card)
Geeve me all yer gold or I'll burn down yer village!
Wow...that's...um...sweet?
(front of card)
'tis time to talk like a pirate.
And, to help you get into the mood,
we brought you an eye patch and a peg leg
(inside of card)
now stand still so we can get rid of one of those eyes and that pesky leg of yours!
Woah! That's kinda violent! I'll have to look for a nicer card.
(front of card)
romance is in the air
when we're sitting on the bench
I'll talk to you like a pirate
(inside of card)
and call you may wen...
...OH! I can't give that to somebody! Really? Is that supposed to be nice?
Hmmm...I think I'll just stick to saying "Arrrrrrr!" a lot.
I'm off to shiver me timbers...not that I know what it means.
Enjoy!
-DJ
(front of card)
Roses be red, matey
Violets be blue
Arrrrrrr
(open the card)
Geeve me all yer gold or I'll burn down yer village!
Wow...that's...um...sweet?
(front of card)
'tis time to talk like a pirate.
And, to help you get into the mood,
we brought you an eye patch and a peg leg
(inside of card)
now stand still so we can get rid of one of those eyes and that pesky leg of yours!
Woah! That's kinda violent! I'll have to look for a nicer card.
(front of card)
romance is in the air
when we're sitting on the bench
I'll talk to you like a pirate
(inside of card)
and call you may wen...
...OH! I can't give that to somebody! Really? Is that supposed to be nice?
Hmmm...I think I'll just stick to saying "Arrrrrrr!" a lot.
I'm off to shiver me timbers...not that I know what it means.
Enjoy!
-DJ
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
i communicate with ants
Ok, that's not entirely true, but I know people who can! They told me that ants love to chat about current political events. It's all "Obama this" and "McCain that" and "Who has the better economic philosophy to help us with the collapse of the subprime mortgage market and credit crunch?" Frankly, I find it a little boring.
Ready for the big news? We have a new member of the ant family! It's true! My ant-talker friend, we'll call him Scott (comic book reference), told me that they found a brand new ant! Yeah! Isn't that exciting!
It was roaming around some fungi in the Amazon rainforest looking for the latest issue of "Politics Today" when some scientists realized we haven't seen an ant like this before. How did they know? Well, can't you look at an ant and tell whether it's a Leptanillinae or an Aenictogiton? I thought you could. So can the scientists. They noticed this little ant was different from all the other ants out there and decided to do a DNA test.
Guess what? It's the father!
Ha! No, it's not the ant version of Maury. They actually found out that this was probably one of the oldest species of ant ever. Dating back 120 million years. That's one crazy old ant family. They might have been around for the first election ever. They may have voted for Washington himself! I know, that's a loooooong time ago. I wonder if they had TV then? Hmmmmm...
They call this new ant the "ant from mars" because it's green and travels in little flying saucers. You might wonder why we haven't seen them all around the world if they can fly anywhere they want. Well, the little saucers have VERY little gas tanks, so they can really only go about a meter before they have to fill up. Hey, to an ant, that's, like, around the world!
So, if you're a myrmecologist, then you probably know all about this and are already having a "we're excited because we haven't found a new species of ant since 1923" party, but if you're an ASPIRING myrmecologist and you didn't know about it, I'd suggest looking up real information about this new ant and not using this blog as science fact. It is in my head, but not always to real people.
I'm off to lift 50x my own weight...oh, wait...I mean 1/50th my own weight...yeah...that seems doable.
Enjoy!
-DJ
Ready for the big news? We have a new member of the ant family! It's true! My ant-talker friend, we'll call him Scott (comic book reference), told me that they found a brand new ant! Yeah! Isn't that exciting!
It was roaming around some fungi in the Amazon rainforest looking for the latest issue of "Politics Today" when some scientists realized we haven't seen an ant like this before. How did they know? Well, can't you look at an ant and tell whether it's a Leptanillinae or an Aenictogiton? I thought you could. So can the scientists. They noticed this little ant was different from all the other ants out there and decided to do a DNA test.
Guess what? It's the father!
Ha! No, it's not the ant version of Maury. They actually found out that this was probably one of the oldest species of ant ever. Dating back 120 million years. That's one crazy old ant family. They might have been around for the first election ever. They may have voted for Washington himself! I know, that's a loooooong time ago. I wonder if they had TV then? Hmmmmm...
They call this new ant the "ant from mars" because it's green and travels in little flying saucers. You might wonder why we haven't seen them all around the world if they can fly anywhere they want. Well, the little saucers have VERY little gas tanks, so they can really only go about a meter before they have to fill up. Hey, to an ant, that's, like, around the world!
So, if you're a myrmecologist, then you probably know all about this and are already having a "we're excited because we haven't found a new species of ant since 1923" party, but if you're an ASPIRING myrmecologist and you didn't know about it, I'd suggest looking up real information about this new ant and not using this blog as science fact. It is in my head, but not always to real people.
I'm off to lift 50x my own weight...oh, wait...I mean 1/50th my own weight...yeah...that seems doable.
Enjoy!
-DJ
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
souperman
I think flu season is coming. Why do I think that? I may have had a flu-like problem yesterday. Isn't there a 24-hour flu? I hope that makes me immune to the flu for the rest of my life. That would be swell.
Have you ever had those days where all the weird stuff happens at once? That was my yesterday. I might have had a better handle on it if I didn't have the thing that I'm calling the flu.
I came into work and felt ill. I wasn't sure, though, so I had Dina (the morning co-host/mother I work with) use her motherly powers to check. We both put aside our boundary issues for a few seconds and she checked my forehead. I wanted to find out if I was hot. It turns out I was only warm.
That's how I know if I'm sick. Usually, I'm totally hot (ha!). When my forehead said that I was warm, I knew something was amiss.
I decided to get soup before I went home. I was at the soup store when I remembered that I also needed peanut butter. That's important later on the story. I'm slightly delirious while I'm putting peanut butter in my carriage when a girl comes up to me and asks if I can help her. I'm pretty sure I told her that I wasn't actually employed by the soup store (with peanut butter), but she kept talking.
She actually gave me a card and wanted me to sell insurance or something. I think I agreed to sell insurance, but it's all pretty hazy. I know this really happened because I have a card with a girls name and number on it.
Then I went to the register. The lady there was very nice and very talkative. Not in a bad way, just very friendly.
Unfortunately, as you may recall, I wasn't quite all there.
There was a conversation about coupons that confused the heck out of me. Then she asked me why I was buying four jars of peanut butter. In my head, buying four jars makes complete sense because I don't want to have to buy it for a few weeks. Here's what I remember from yesterday's conversation:
Register lady: (a lot of words and something about coupons)
Me: yeah. (in confused agreement)
Register lady: Ok, so what's the deal with all the peanut butter?
Me: uh...I like peanut butter?
Register lady: (a lot of words and something about chex mix...the baked ones....I totally remember her making sure I knew they were baked)
So, yeah. Did that conversation make sense to you? It shouldn't have. That's pretty much all I can remember before going home and falling asleep while watching Skunk Fu. (you may recall that I was going to tape cartoons on saturday and watch them during the week...well...Skunk Fu had the honor of being one of those shows)
Have you ever had a day like that? I have no proof that ALL of those things happened, but I'm fairly confident that they did.
I had the soup and today I feel a little better. Just in case, though, I'm not going to go out anywhere. I'm afraid of the conversations that might happen. Who knows what I'll agree to!
I'm off to fall asleep to cartoons.
Enjoy!
-DJ
Have you ever had those days where all the weird stuff happens at once? That was my yesterday. I might have had a better handle on it if I didn't have the thing that I'm calling the flu.
I came into work and felt ill. I wasn't sure, though, so I had Dina (the morning co-host/mother I work with) use her motherly powers to check. We both put aside our boundary issues for a few seconds and she checked my forehead. I wanted to find out if I was hot. It turns out I was only warm.
That's how I know if I'm sick. Usually, I'm totally hot (ha!). When my forehead said that I was warm, I knew something was amiss.
I decided to get soup before I went home. I was at the soup store when I remembered that I also needed peanut butter. That's important later on the story. I'm slightly delirious while I'm putting peanut butter in my carriage when a girl comes up to me and asks if I can help her. I'm pretty sure I told her that I wasn't actually employed by the soup store (with peanut butter), but she kept talking.
She actually gave me a card and wanted me to sell insurance or something. I think I agreed to sell insurance, but it's all pretty hazy. I know this really happened because I have a card with a girls name and number on it.
Then I went to the register. The lady there was very nice and very talkative. Not in a bad way, just very friendly.
Unfortunately, as you may recall, I wasn't quite all there.
There was a conversation about coupons that confused the heck out of me. Then she asked me why I was buying four jars of peanut butter. In my head, buying four jars makes complete sense because I don't want to have to buy it for a few weeks. Here's what I remember from yesterday's conversation:
Register lady: (a lot of words and something about coupons)
Me: yeah. (in confused agreement)
Register lady: Ok, so what's the deal with all the peanut butter?
Me: uh...I like peanut butter?
Register lady: (a lot of words and something about chex mix...the baked ones....I totally remember her making sure I knew they were baked)
So, yeah. Did that conversation make sense to you? It shouldn't have. That's pretty much all I can remember before going home and falling asleep while watching Skunk Fu. (you may recall that I was going to tape cartoons on saturday and watch them during the week...well...Skunk Fu had the honor of being one of those shows)
Have you ever had a day like that? I have no proof that ALL of those things happened, but I'm fairly confident that they did.
I had the soup and today I feel a little better. Just in case, though, I'm not going to go out anywhere. I'm afraid of the conversations that might happen. Who knows what I'll agree to!
I'm off to fall asleep to cartoons.
Enjoy!
-DJ
Thursday, September 11, 2008
saturday mornings
I like cartoons. Unfortunately, I don't have cable with cartoons. I get the networks and that's about it. It's expensive to get all those other channels and I don't need a lot of the channels in those packages. I only need the ones with cartoons. They should have the cartoon package...for me.
So, to watch cartoons, I have Saturday morning and that's it. How stinky is that? I remember growing up and having cartoons on every afternoon! They had the Disney afternoon with Duck Tales and Rescue Rangers and Tail Spin. There was also the WB afternoon with Tiny Toons and Animaniacs. How great was that? I didn't have to spend money to get cartoons and they started right at 3pm so I could watch them when I got home from school.
Now that I get out of school...or work...early in the day, I could still watch cartoons, but they don't have them! Is that because there are so many cable choices? Do they really get better ratings by showing Maury and Jerry instead of cartoons? That's too bad. I can't stand those shows. I really want to watch cartoons. I suppose kids can go outside and get exercise or something. wooo…exercise...that sounds fun...
I guess I could tape all of the shows on Saturday morning and watch a few shows a day, but I don't wanna. I wanna watch a bunch of cartoons every day after school! I don't wanna go to school! I wanna play nintendo!
Oh...uh...sorry...started to whine there. I guess I bring this up because Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles has new episodes starting this weekend and I'm excited. I would tell you all about it, but I'm pretty sure you don't care...but just in case, they're back to the present. The show was much better that way. When they were in the future, it stunk, so we'll see if it's back to being awesome. I'll let you know.
So, I guess I have to go home and NOT watch cartoons.
I'm off to set the dvr for Saturday morning.
Enjoy!
-DJ
So, to watch cartoons, I have Saturday morning and that's it. How stinky is that? I remember growing up and having cartoons on every afternoon! They had the Disney afternoon with Duck Tales and Rescue Rangers and Tail Spin. There was also the WB afternoon with Tiny Toons and Animaniacs. How great was that? I didn't have to spend money to get cartoons and they started right at 3pm so I could watch them when I got home from school.
Now that I get out of school...or work...early in the day, I could still watch cartoons, but they don't have them! Is that because there are so many cable choices? Do they really get better ratings by showing Maury and Jerry instead of cartoons? That's too bad. I can't stand those shows. I really want to watch cartoons. I suppose kids can go outside and get exercise or something. wooo…exercise...that sounds fun...
I guess I could tape all of the shows on Saturday morning and watch a few shows a day, but I don't wanna. I wanna watch a bunch of cartoons every day after school! I don't wanna go to school! I wanna play nintendo!
Oh...uh...sorry...started to whine there. I guess I bring this up because Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles has new episodes starting this weekend and I'm excited. I would tell you all about it, but I'm pretty sure you don't care...but just in case, they're back to the present. The show was much better that way. When they were in the future, it stunk, so we'll see if it's back to being awesome. I'll let you know.
So, I guess I have to go home and NOT watch cartoons.
I'm off to set the dvr for Saturday morning.
Enjoy!
-DJ
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
secret invasion
Science is fun! I just wanted to yell that first. Ahem...
So, it's getting close to black hole time! The large hadron collider is up and running in Europe and soon it will start making protons hit one another and hopefully make tiny black holes so we can study what happens when we have little big bangs.
I know what you're thinking, and yes, physicists are bullies. Why else would they make protons beat each other up? These poor, defenseless protons are just swirling around having a good time, and those scientists with doctorates (more like dorktorates) are making them fight. For their sick enjoyment.
On the plus side, it will be really cool to find out if there are other dimensions and maybe find the Higgs boson so we can explain that pesky problem with the standard model of particle physics. That nags at me every night. You too? I hear ya. It's like, I could get so much done if only that Higgs boson could be found. I'm sure I would be a huge success in life if I could only stop obsessing over the missing Higgs boson.
I have decided to use the Higgs boson as a scapegoat.
Anyway, there are some folks who are afraid that making little black holes will end the world. The science saying otherwise is pretty convincing. These black holes will be tiny and only be around for a fraction of a second. When I say fraction of a second, I mean fraction in the smallest sense of the word.
I know what their real worry is. Alien invasion.
Let me explain. We create little black holes, right? Ok, so maybe one of them gets out and starts up a quiet life in a small farming village in Germany. It doesn't cause any problems because it's quiet and keeps to itself, so nobody really notices. Plus, it's microscopic. So, das black hole starts spinning and creating a tiny universe and a tiny galaxy with tiny planets. These tiny planets will quickly have creatures that evolve into intelligent beings. Why? Because when things are tiny they evolve faster. Blame it on Higgs. Then these tiny people will get into tiny spaceships and attempt to attack the human race.
There will be one small problem though.
They're tiny and their spaceships are shaped like mosquitoes. We constantly swat them when they try to inject us with their tiny planet poison and they die. If they do inject us, it's such a small amount that it only makes us itch a little.
So, if you're worried, don't be. We have bug zappers that will take care of this pesky alien invasion.
We DO have to worry if they start making bigger black holes. But they can only do that if they get the super-sized hadron collider, and that's, like, 39 cents more. They pretty much spent all their money on this large one. Maybe if they look in the cushions they can find some change for another dollar-menu collider like the Fermilab one, but they should probably save it.
I know, I know...a dollar is more than 39 cents, but I really wanted to get a joke in this blog about Fermilab and that's the best I could do. Let's assume that they already bought the large and they can't get the super-sized collider until they save up at least $5.59, so it's better to just go with the dollar. Make sense? I thought not.
I'm off to collide hadronically.
Enjoy!
-DJ
So, it's getting close to black hole time! The large hadron collider is up and running in Europe and soon it will start making protons hit one another and hopefully make tiny black holes so we can study what happens when we have little big bangs.
I know what you're thinking, and yes, physicists are bullies. Why else would they make protons beat each other up? These poor, defenseless protons are just swirling around having a good time, and those scientists with doctorates (more like dorktorates) are making them fight. For their sick enjoyment.
On the plus side, it will be really cool to find out if there are other dimensions and maybe find the Higgs boson so we can explain that pesky problem with the standard model of particle physics. That nags at me every night. You too? I hear ya. It's like, I could get so much done if only that Higgs boson could be found. I'm sure I would be a huge success in life if I could only stop obsessing over the missing Higgs boson.
I have decided to use the Higgs boson as a scapegoat.
Anyway, there are some folks who are afraid that making little black holes will end the world. The science saying otherwise is pretty convincing. These black holes will be tiny and only be around for a fraction of a second. When I say fraction of a second, I mean fraction in the smallest sense of the word.
I know what their real worry is. Alien invasion.
Let me explain. We create little black holes, right? Ok, so maybe one of them gets out and starts up a quiet life in a small farming village in Germany. It doesn't cause any problems because it's quiet and keeps to itself, so nobody really notices. Plus, it's microscopic. So, das black hole starts spinning and creating a tiny universe and a tiny galaxy with tiny planets. These tiny planets will quickly have creatures that evolve into intelligent beings. Why? Because when things are tiny they evolve faster. Blame it on Higgs. Then these tiny people will get into tiny spaceships and attempt to attack the human race.
There will be one small problem though.
They're tiny and their spaceships are shaped like mosquitoes. We constantly swat them when they try to inject us with their tiny planet poison and they die. If they do inject us, it's such a small amount that it only makes us itch a little.
So, if you're worried, don't be. We have bug zappers that will take care of this pesky alien invasion.
We DO have to worry if they start making bigger black holes. But they can only do that if they get the super-sized hadron collider, and that's, like, 39 cents more. They pretty much spent all their money on this large one. Maybe if they look in the cushions they can find some change for another dollar-menu collider like the Fermilab one, but they should probably save it.
I know, I know...a dollar is more than 39 cents, but I really wanted to get a joke in this blog about Fermilab and that's the best I could do. Let's assume that they already bought the large and they can't get the super-sized collider until they save up at least $5.59, so it's better to just go with the dollar. Make sense? I thought not.
I'm off to collide hadronically.
Enjoy!
-DJ
Monday, September 8, 2008
taking off your uniform
I felt the need to tell you this story. Something weird happened this weekend. I'll explain it the best I can. This is 100% true. I know sometimes I might stretch the truth a TINY bit, but not this time.
Do you order stuff off amazon.com? I like it. It's easy and I can get stuff pretty cheap. Now, I usually order cds, comic books and graphic novels. That's really all I ever get. Maybe I'll get a gift for somebody or something, but that's rare because I would rather spend my money on me. Wouldn't you? I thought you would.
So, amazon has these "gold box deals" that pop up daily and it's a little extra savings on certain products. It has a section at the bottom where it will show me some comics and cds that are similar to what I have on my wish list at 35% off instead of 30% off or something like that.
Does this all make sense? I felt the need to explain all this for people who didn't amazon stuff.
Now, onto the weirdness. I have to tell you about TWO of the items in my gold box. NEVER have I had anything this strange in my gold box. I haven't even ordered anything that would hint at my interest in these two items. I swear.
The first one was a chainsaw. What?! Really?????? A chainsaw? What on my wish list could possibly imply that I want a chainsaw? I mean, was it Batman? Maybe the X-Men comics? I don't even think I'm strong enough to lift a chainsaw, let alone try to actually cut down a tree with one. I like trees. I don't want to cut one in half. I'd probably hug a tree, but I don't think chainsaws can be used for that.
The other thing...I swear I don't know why this popped up...was Nude Aerobics 2. Yep. I guess the demand was so high after part 1 that they decided to make a part 2. It is a VHS tape from 1993 and it is what it says it is. It is an exercise tape. First of all, why does my gold box think I exercise? Sure I read Superman, but I'm not trying to LOOK like him! Also, if I were to actually work out, I would wear clothes. Why? I don't know, it just seems like the way to go...and I think the gym has rules about that sort of thing. I'm not sure, but people have always had clothes on when I go there.
So, yeah. I haven't checked yet today, but I hope gold box has figured out that I would much rather have deals on comic books. I don't want to work out so I can lift a chainsaw. I really don't want to use a chainsaw unless I'm wearing clothes...or protective goggles at least!
I'm I little scared to find out what it will say, but I'm off to check my gold box deals.
Enjoy!
-DJ
Do you order stuff off amazon.com? I like it. It's easy and I can get stuff pretty cheap. Now, I usually order cds, comic books and graphic novels. That's really all I ever get. Maybe I'll get a gift for somebody or something, but that's rare because I would rather spend my money on me. Wouldn't you? I thought you would.
So, amazon has these "gold box deals" that pop up daily and it's a little extra savings on certain products. It has a section at the bottom where it will show me some comics and cds that are similar to what I have on my wish list at 35% off instead of 30% off or something like that.
Does this all make sense? I felt the need to explain all this for people who didn't amazon stuff.
Now, onto the weirdness. I have to tell you about TWO of the items in my gold box. NEVER have I had anything this strange in my gold box. I haven't even ordered anything that would hint at my interest in these two items. I swear.
The first one was a chainsaw. What?! Really?????? A chainsaw? What on my wish list could possibly imply that I want a chainsaw? I mean, was it Batman? Maybe the X-Men comics? I don't even think I'm strong enough to lift a chainsaw, let alone try to actually cut down a tree with one. I like trees. I don't want to cut one in half. I'd probably hug a tree, but I don't think chainsaws can be used for that.
The other thing...I swear I don't know why this popped up...was Nude Aerobics 2. Yep. I guess the demand was so high after part 1 that they decided to make a part 2. It is a VHS tape from 1993 and it is what it says it is. It is an exercise tape. First of all, why does my gold box think I exercise? Sure I read Superman, but I'm not trying to LOOK like him! Also, if I were to actually work out, I would wear clothes. Why? I don't know, it just seems like the way to go...and I think the gym has rules about that sort of thing. I'm not sure, but people have always had clothes on when I go there.
So, yeah. I haven't checked yet today, but I hope gold box has figured out that I would much rather have deals on comic books. I don't want to work out so I can lift a chainsaw. I really don't want to use a chainsaw unless I'm wearing clothes...or protective goggles at least!
I'm I little scared to find out what it will say, but I'm off to check my gold box deals.
Enjoy!
-DJ
Friday, September 5, 2008
putting on your uniform
Sometimes I wish I could dress up like a superhero everyday. Not like the generic skin tight stuff, but the weird and cool stuff like goggles, long jackets and boots. Kind of like a cross between Starman and Neo. That will make sense to all of zero people. Sorry...
Maybe a costume that would change with my thoughts. You know, kind of like the black costume in the last Spider-Man movie. More people will get that one. I could think about wearing a tux, and it would change into a tux! If I need to look young and hip, I could look at a picture of the Jonas brothers and copy their outfit. I'm pretty sure they're young and hip.
I don't know if a lot of people do this, but I get my outfit ready for the next day. I do this during the week. I don't do it to make sure it looks good, but because I don't want to look around my closet at 4am. I'm tired and I don't want to risk wearing my extra baggy "I'm fat" pants with my super tight "I swear I have pecs to show off" t-shirt.
Not only do I set my clothes out, but I also get my pants ready. That means I put the belt through the loops and all my stuff into my pockets. I don't want to forget my wallet or keys when I'm rushing out in the morning.
I do sometimes feel dorky getting my outfit ready for the next day, but I don't care when all I have to do is pull up my pants and buckle while you "morning dressers" are fumbling with belt loops and looking for your keys.
It's kind of like picking out your "first day of school" outfit. Do you remember when you were so excited about your new clothes that you wanted to lay out your outfit for the first day at school? I probably tried it on a million times just to make sure it worked. I'm sure I (thought I) looked totally cool on the first day of school.
If you were like me, you put on the outfit and the new shoes and checked yourself out in the mirror thinking you were hot stuff. And, I'll tell you, in my room, alone, I was hot stuff. When you see other people and remember where you stand in the pecking order of school, you quickly remember that you're not hot stuff...mostly just the stuff part. Well, at least I was, I don't know about you. You were probably hot stuff and your clothes were awesome. Still are, in fact!
The clothes were fine, actually. I think it was just me who made the clothes less awesome. I have some old pictures of me before my first day of school and I remember one where I'm wearing a Ghostbusters shirt. I look pretty happy in it. I was probably 5 or 6. I bet I had that outfit ready to go for a week and I probably thought I was hot stuff...and I clearly knew what to do about ghosts.
Who was I gonna call? Probably not the Ghostbusters. Well, I tried once, but I didn't get anybody. Watch the original movie. It's a 555 number. I didn't know those were fake at the time, so I called. I'm pretty sure a ghost needed to be busted.
Do you ever get so excited about a new outfit that you lay it out the night before you go to work? Is that more of a kid thing? I think I have actually bought new clothes that I wanted to get ready for the next day. I haven't done it recently, but I'm sure it's happened. Maybe I'll go buy a new outfit so I can lay it out for Monday. It'll be my "first day of the week" outfit.
I'm off to find out what the Jonas Brothers are wearing.
Enjoy!
-DJ
Maybe a costume that would change with my thoughts. You know, kind of like the black costume in the last Spider-Man movie. More people will get that one. I could think about wearing a tux, and it would change into a tux! If I need to look young and hip, I could look at a picture of the Jonas brothers and copy their outfit. I'm pretty sure they're young and hip.
I don't know if a lot of people do this, but I get my outfit ready for the next day. I do this during the week. I don't do it to make sure it looks good, but because I don't want to look around my closet at 4am. I'm tired and I don't want to risk wearing my extra baggy "I'm fat" pants with my super tight "I swear I have pecs to show off" t-shirt.
Not only do I set my clothes out, but I also get my pants ready. That means I put the belt through the loops and all my stuff into my pockets. I don't want to forget my wallet or keys when I'm rushing out in the morning.
I do sometimes feel dorky getting my outfit ready for the next day, but I don't care when all I have to do is pull up my pants and buckle while you "morning dressers" are fumbling with belt loops and looking for your keys.
It's kind of like picking out your "first day of school" outfit. Do you remember when you were so excited about your new clothes that you wanted to lay out your outfit for the first day at school? I probably tried it on a million times just to make sure it worked. I'm sure I (thought I) looked totally cool on the first day of school.
If you were like me, you put on the outfit and the new shoes and checked yourself out in the mirror thinking you were hot stuff. And, I'll tell you, in my room, alone, I was hot stuff. When you see other people and remember where you stand in the pecking order of school, you quickly remember that you're not hot stuff...mostly just the stuff part. Well, at least I was, I don't know about you. You were probably hot stuff and your clothes were awesome. Still are, in fact!
The clothes were fine, actually. I think it was just me who made the clothes less awesome. I have some old pictures of me before my first day of school and I remember one where I'm wearing a Ghostbusters shirt. I look pretty happy in it. I was probably 5 or 6. I bet I had that outfit ready to go for a week and I probably thought I was hot stuff...and I clearly knew what to do about ghosts.
Who was I gonna call? Probably not the Ghostbusters. Well, I tried once, but I didn't get anybody. Watch the original movie. It's a 555 number. I didn't know those were fake at the time, so I called. I'm pretty sure a ghost needed to be busted.
Do you ever get so excited about a new outfit that you lay it out the night before you go to work? Is that more of a kid thing? I think I have actually bought new clothes that I wanted to get ready for the next day. I haven't done it recently, but I'm sure it's happened. Maybe I'll go buy a new outfit so I can lay it out for Monday. It'll be my "first day of the week" outfit.
I'm off to find out what the Jonas Brothers are wearing.
Enjoy!
-DJ
Thursday, September 4, 2008
one more ply
I’m constantly amazed at what some companies put out that they never put out before. Does that make sense? Here's an example:
Big Kat. From the makers of Kit Kat. You know...that song? "Break me off a piece of that kit kat bar because it's really four bars so you can share...you greedy snot." Or something like that. I don't remember it exactly. Anyway, the folks at the Kit Kat Co. decided to take one of those four bars, make it the size of a regular candy bar and called it a Big Kat. Now you don't have to share with a bunch of needy friends. Nice, right?
So how come these just came out a few years ago? I mean, Kit Kats have been around for, like, hundreds of years and they JUST thought of this now?! How come I didn't think of it first?
What about when they made dark chocolate m&ms? Why did that take so long? It's not like dark chocolate is new. How did they miss that combination?
m&m executive in 1972: Hmmm...I am enjoying this bag of groovy m&ms...and I am also enjoying this funk-a-licious dark chocolate bar. I think I shall get down with these two items often...because I am far out like that. Now I will stare at the lava lamp a little longer.
m&m executive from 2005: People like dark chocolate. We make small candy-coated chocolate. Why the heck didn't we just make some of them with dark chocolate? Jeez...how did we miss this one? We've been putting peanuts in them for years and people are allergic to peanuts. Nobody is allergic to dark chocolate. Wow...I'm going to make millions for this one.
So, luckily, one of those smart marketing guys thought of something that was pretty much staring us in the face...again. 3-ply toilet paper. Now, this isn't just any run-of-the-mill 3-ply. Nope.
TWO layers are for softness. Ooooooooh.
So far, you like where this is going, right? What about they third layer? What could they possible come up with to warrant an extra layer? I'll tell you.
The other layer is for absorbency. AH HA! I knew it was for something important!
Ok...so I'm not fooled. How do they know which layers will be used for what? Can they guarantee that I won't accidentally get three layers of softness? I know that sounds wonderful, but then I'm losing all sorts of absorbency!
OR! What if two layers are used for absorbency?! I do NOT want to lose that softness! Do you?!?! I didn't think so.
So, I think we've made just about everything. Now we can make them bigger or add a layer and we have a seller. Like, how about double-decker Twix bars! Usually I have to put one on top of the other to do that, but they could make it easier for me by doing it at the factory! I gotta call Twix. They're gonna love this. Then, in five years, I'll call back and tell them about my plans for a triple-decker.
I'm off to make candy bigger.
Enjoy!
-DJ
Big Kat. From the makers of Kit Kat. You know...that song? "Break me off a piece of that kit kat bar because it's really four bars so you can share...you greedy snot." Or something like that. I don't remember it exactly. Anyway, the folks at the Kit Kat Co. decided to take one of those four bars, make it the size of a regular candy bar and called it a Big Kat. Now you don't have to share with a bunch of needy friends. Nice, right?
So how come these just came out a few years ago? I mean, Kit Kats have been around for, like, hundreds of years and they JUST thought of this now?! How come I didn't think of it first?
What about when they made dark chocolate m&ms? Why did that take so long? It's not like dark chocolate is new. How did they miss that combination?
m&m executive in 1972: Hmmm...I am enjoying this bag of groovy m&ms...and I am also enjoying this funk-a-licious dark chocolate bar. I think I shall get down with these two items often...because I am far out like that. Now I will stare at the lava lamp a little longer.
m&m executive from 2005: People like dark chocolate. We make small candy-coated chocolate. Why the heck didn't we just make some of them with dark chocolate? Jeez...how did we miss this one? We've been putting peanuts in them for years and people are allergic to peanuts. Nobody is allergic to dark chocolate. Wow...I'm going to make millions for this one.
So, luckily, one of those smart marketing guys thought of something that was pretty much staring us in the face...again. 3-ply toilet paper. Now, this isn't just any run-of-the-mill 3-ply. Nope.
TWO layers are for softness. Ooooooooh.
So far, you like where this is going, right? What about they third layer? What could they possible come up with to warrant an extra layer? I'll tell you.
The other layer is for absorbency. AH HA! I knew it was for something important!
Ok...so I'm not fooled. How do they know which layers will be used for what? Can they guarantee that I won't accidentally get three layers of softness? I know that sounds wonderful, but then I'm losing all sorts of absorbency!
OR! What if two layers are used for absorbency?! I do NOT want to lose that softness! Do you?!?! I didn't think so.
So, I think we've made just about everything. Now we can make them bigger or add a layer and we have a seller. Like, how about double-decker Twix bars! Usually I have to put one on top of the other to do that, but they could make it easier for me by doing it at the factory! I gotta call Twix. They're gonna love this. Then, in five years, I'll call back and tell them about my plans for a triple-decker.
I'm off to make candy bigger.
Enjoy!
-DJ
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
zoo crew
Sometimes I forget how strange I must seem to people. Then something will happen to remind me. That's what happened this weekend.
I went to the forest park zoo this weekend and enjoyed all the animals. I saw a bear scratch its back. That was pretty cool. I also saw a happy turtle. That was nice. Don't ask for pictures of these things because I don't have any. I don't really think about taking pictures of stuff that I'm supposed to take pictures of.
Like the pig that would sit when you fed it. That's a good picture.
I didn't take it.
I DID take a picture of a windmill and a wheelbarrow. I liked the colors. They were pretty.
So, I'm taking pictures of a wheelbarrow and this little girl comes up to me and asks me what I'm taking a picture of. It makes sense. People are at the zoo and they're looking around for the animals and sometimes you don't see them until somebody else is pointing it out. Maybe you'll see somebody taking pictures of the corner of the cage and you finally see the little fuzzy ball of a critter. If you don't see it, you might ask them what they're taking a picture of and they'll tell you to look in the corner and that's where the animal is. Then you see it.
I had to answer this poor little girl, who, I'm sure, was all excited about finding an animal that she missed and that nobody else seemed to notice, that I was taking a picture of the wheelbarrow. Here is the exact conversation:
Girl: What are you taking a picture of?
Me: The wheelbarrow. I like the color.
Girl's Dad: C'mon honey. Get away from the weird man who takes pictures of yard equipment and not the donkey right behind him.
Ok, so that last part is not EXACTLY what he said, but it's close enough. Who wants a picture of a donkey? wooo...donkey...it's good for carrying stuff into the grand canyon. I could do that. And I won't eat your hand. Or go doo doo on the trail.
So, that's my zoo adventure. Sometimes I forget to act like a normal person when I go out in public. I'm usually good at faking it, but I can get distracted by yellow wheelbarrows and stuff. I gotta watch out for that.
Oh, I did try to get a picture of one animal, but I didn't get a good shot. It was a duck with Don King hair. It was...well...it was pretty awesome. I'll be honest...I'm totally jealous of that duck.
I'm off to practice my "normal."
Enjoy!
-DJ
I went to the forest park zoo this weekend and enjoyed all the animals. I saw a bear scratch its back. That was pretty cool. I also saw a happy turtle. That was nice. Don't ask for pictures of these things because I don't have any. I don't really think about taking pictures of stuff that I'm supposed to take pictures of.
Like the pig that would sit when you fed it. That's a good picture.
I didn't take it.
I DID take a picture of a windmill and a wheelbarrow. I liked the colors. They were pretty.
So, I'm taking pictures of a wheelbarrow and this little girl comes up to me and asks me what I'm taking a picture of. It makes sense. People are at the zoo and they're looking around for the animals and sometimes you don't see them until somebody else is pointing it out. Maybe you'll see somebody taking pictures of the corner of the cage and you finally see the little fuzzy ball of a critter. If you don't see it, you might ask them what they're taking a picture of and they'll tell you to look in the corner and that's where the animal is. Then you see it.
I had to answer this poor little girl, who, I'm sure, was all excited about finding an animal that she missed and that nobody else seemed to notice, that I was taking a picture of the wheelbarrow. Here is the exact conversation:
Girl: What are you taking a picture of?
Me: The wheelbarrow. I like the color.
Girl's Dad: C'mon honey. Get away from the weird man who takes pictures of yard equipment and not the donkey right behind him.
Ok, so that last part is not EXACTLY what he said, but it's close enough. Who wants a picture of a donkey? wooo...donkey...it's good for carrying stuff into the grand canyon. I could do that. And I won't eat your hand. Or go doo doo on the trail.
So, that's my zoo adventure. Sometimes I forget to act like a normal person when I go out in public. I'm usually good at faking it, but I can get distracted by yellow wheelbarrows and stuff. I gotta watch out for that.
Oh, I did try to get a picture of one animal, but I didn't get a good shot. It was a duck with Don King hair. It was...well...it was pretty awesome. I'll be honest...I'm totally jealous of that duck.
I'm off to practice my "normal."
Enjoy!
-DJ
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