my house

If you think teachers have a good deal getting weekends and summers off, wait until you hear about this! The House of Representatives works only three days a week!

It's true! Their average work week starts on Tuesday night at 6:30pm and goes until Thursday night. No specific time, just when the work gets done. Which is usually before Grey's Anatomy comes on. The HoR's love that Izzie.

But really, who doesn't.

I'm thinking of getting into the house. I have your best interests at heart. I would encourage you to work multiple jobs so you can buy food while I enjoy my four-day weekend. Since you won't have time for vacation, I will go on a cruise in your place. In a way, I will "represent" you on the cruise. Nice, right?

Now, don't think I won't work hard for those other three days. I will probably tweet about our arguments on twitter. I will also be your neighbor on Farmville. While they filibuster, I'll scare crows off your farm.

Vote me in now. I don't really know when the House needs new people, but write some letters to congress and maybe they'll let me in.

Before Thanksgiving would be nice. I need some extra time for xmas shopping.

I'm off to find a political party.

Enjoy!

-DJ

how not to be a parent

Sometimes you read stories and wonder why certain people have kids. I don't have kids, BUT I'm pretty sure I'm a better parent than some folks out there. One reason why I think that is because I would never shoot my son with a BB gun.

This 9-year-old kid was blocking his father's view of the TV, so pop decided to grab the BB gun and shoot him in the behind. What is wrong with this guy?! I can understand it's annoying when somebody is blocking your view of Grey's Anatomy, but isn't a BB gun a little too much?!

And where was this gun? Does this guy have a BB gun holster sewn into the couch? If so, how do I get one of those? I can imagine someone trying to break into my house while I'm watching Caillou and I don't even have to get up. I stay reclined and draw my gun.

OOOOOH! How's this for a great line! Imagine me saying this all Clint Eastwoody, "I'm not gonna get up, sparky, but you're gonna get out."

I am so hardcore. Yet comfortable.

So, if you ever read this blog looking for parenting advice, there it is. Don't use a BB gun to make your kids move out of the way. Throw a stuffed bear at them or something. Or better yet, if you don't like people getting in the way of your "Spongebob Time," DON'T HAVE KIDS!

I'm off to work on that couch-holster.

Enjoy!

-DJ

put the lime in the cocoa butter

I went to the store this weekend and needed lip balm. That's not that only thing I needed, but I don't think you want my entire grocery list. Heck, I even bought stuff that wasn't on the list...like cookies...twice.

Anyway, I chap easily, so I generally have lip balm with me. I usually get a plain one or that minty bert's bees one, but this time I found something awesome.

Lime Rocket. SHOOOOOOOOOM!

Well, the shooooom isn't really part of the title, but if there were an actual lime rocket, I imagine it would blast off with a shooooom sound.

In my glossy excitement, I purchased my certified organic lime rocket lip balm. After the excitement wore off, I realized I might have bought a girl product. I'm not sure, though.

Lime is a manly scent, isn't it? I like the smell of lime. You might see a lime playing football. Limes enjoy a good mexican beer. Limes get into bar fights a lot. I've seen limes play with hammers and smash stuff. Those are all generally manish things, right?

Why do I think it COULD be for the ladies? It's in a larger container which could mean it's meant for a purse instead of a pocket. It smells like lime. I know that was my man defense, but it would work for women too. And it's not just any lime smell, it's a pretty lime smell. Also, I've seen limes in high heels. Limes enjoy watching Grey's Anatomy. I've even seen limes wearing lipstick.

So, you can clearly see my dilemma. I'm still going to use it, though. It smells like lime candy. I like lime candy. I want lime candy smell under my nose. I bet you do too. If you say you don't, you're lying. Limes don't like it when you lie. Or steal. So don't take my lime rocket.

I'm off to smell my lime-lips.

Enjoy!

-DJ