scattered

I have felt a little scattered this week. I'm officially on vacation after today, so maybe I'm in vacation mode already. But, I've had a lot of work to do, so my thoughts have been a little crazy.

Yesterday my underwear was on inside-out. Not backwards, thank goodness, just inside-out.

And you know what else? I didn't mind. Heck, I didn't even notice until I put my pajamas on! So I guess it's not that bad!

What will I do on vacation, you ask? I haven't decided yet. Time travel might be involved, so you may find me in your history books.

I'm thinking of sneaking into a picture with Teddy Roosevelt. That would be fun. He reminds me of Santa.

Maybe I'll pick blueberries. Those are yummy.

Ostriches are cute, too. I won't pick them. I'll just say hello to some.

I'm off to check my underwear.

Enjoy!

-DJ

nutella

I have recently tried Nutella. I don't remember ever having it before. I don't know why. I just never bought it and I never had it when I was a kid.

It's pretty good. I think most people have a fond childhood memory of having chocolate sandwiches, so they are more likely to have a good feeling about Nutella. I just tried it. My fond memories are of having it yesterday.

That's all I got. I just thought I should try it. At least once. You should try it too.

Does anybody whistle? It's such a "Snow White" thing to do. Are there any young whistlers out there? I feel like whistling isn't as cool as it used to be.

Are there any cool songs with somebody whistling? Maybe some hardcore rap music? I think that would be fun.

I also think riding in the shopping cart is fun. But I don't do it. Because nobody will push me. Usually I'm sitting in a cart in the middle of the candy aisle waiting for somebody to come along and push me around.

They never do.

I'm off to get in a cart and shop for some Nutella.

Enjoy!

-DJ

width and heighth

I've been hearing this word a lot lately. I have no idea how it happened, but height has become heighth.

I'm pretty sure it is not a word. It is considered "non-standard" english. Which means it is not a word.

Now, I'm all about making up words, but for some reason heighth just sounds wrong and I don't like it.

So don't use it.

What I would like you to use is rooves. As in, "There is more than one roof." I know it's roofs, but rooves is just so much more fun to say! Heighth is not more fun to say.

Finally, don't forget to turn your lights off after you park your car. The parking lots are very busy, so when you leave your lights on, I think you are about to pull out of a spot. When, in fact, you are not even there and left your lights on to trick me into waiting for your parking spot.

That is not funny.

Okay, it would be kinda funny if I did it to you, but not when you do it to me.

I'm off to find a REAL parking spot.

Enjoy!

-DJ

watch me now

I just bought a new watch. I don't wear a watch, but I always have one. I stopped wearing a watch before it was cool to stop wearing a watch.

In the late 90s, before kids had cell phones, people wore watches. I HATED it. So, I started keeping a watch in my pocket. Then, I found a way to attach my keys to the watch. I just had to remove the wrist strap. After that, I've never gone back.

I've always gotten a Timex Expedition. Because it's water-proof up to 100 meters. Or down to, I guess. You never know when you're going to fall into a 99-meter deep puddle where somebody asks you the time. Happens to me every Thursday for some reason.

Guess what my new watch has on it. A COMPASS! How cool is that! I can tell you what direction I'm moving in! AND THE TIME!

I know what you're thinking. "I can buy a compass anywhere. That's nothing special."

Well, is the compass ATTACHED TO YOUR WATCH!? I didn't think so!

It's also good because I got lost in my puddle last Thursday. This compass will help me out a lot.

Now I'll always know where I am in space and time. Though I guess that's relative. (HA! That's right! It's a physics joke! I'm not ashamed!)

I'm off to go north.

Enjoy!

-DJ

no tomatoes

Sarah Palin is going around the country to promote her new book. It's about The Flash's rogues gallery or something. I don't know. I didn't read it yet.

She was at Costco to promote her book and buy pens when she couldn't find any tomatoes. Well, I guess she didn't care about tomatoes, but other people did!

The store took away their tomato display because people threw tomatoes at her at another book signing. I guess they figured that without tomatoes, people wouldn't want to throw stuff at her.

Now, I'm not saying you should throw stuff at her, but if you really wanted to, Costco has a LOT of other squishy food. They still have grapes. Oranges. Lettuce. Pretzels. Office furniture.

I mean, did they think that hiding the tomatoes was the safest thing to do? What if I had family coming over and I wanted to make some tomato sauce? Should I tell my family, who cannot eat spaghetti without my personal tomato sauce, that they can't have it because Sarah Palin is in town?

I guess we're going to have to go without sauce this year. Maybe Sarah Palin should explain to my cousin, Tiny Tim, why there is no sauce.

My cousin, Tiny Tim, uses crutches like the guy on TV. He also has a kitten. The kitten also has to use crutches. And loves my tomato sauce.

I guess she doesn't care if she ruins my Christmas. Oh, wait...it's still Hanukkah. I mean, I guess she doesn't care if she ruins my Hanukkah.

I'm off to serve dry spaghetti.

Enjoy!

-DJ

that's sexy

President Obama said that "Insulation is sexy stuff." That's an exact quote. And now, I want insulation. I don't even know what to do with it, but if it's sexy, I want in!

This is a great way to get people excited about insulation. He should do this for other things. So, I'm going to write a few speeches for him.

Tax time: "Taxes are tasty. Like enjoying a fresh strawberry, covered in chocolate."

Health Care Bill: "Let's think of the public option as silk sheets. That's something you'd want to slide into, isn't it?"

Afghanistan: "I don't want to jump to the decision. It's like when you're looking at kittens and puppies. You can't just take home the first cute, fuzzy puffball that comes up to you. You have to find the perfect match."

I don't know why he didn't hire me earlier. We would probably have world peace by now. I would compare it to smooth, rich chocolate.

Don't you want chocolate? Then I guess you want world peace.

Problem solved.

I'm off to install insulation.

Enjoy!

-DJ

road roof

I was driving in the rain and snow and had a great idea. I usually don't think my ideas are great, but this one is an exception.

We should build a pyramid roof over the highway. That way, we'll save the roads from getting ruined by snow and rain and asteroids. They will slide right off the roof!

Do you want some light? You can put some windows in them. Maybe put a few posters up of the latest hot musical act or something and now you have a little home away from home. That you drive under.

This would cost a lot of money, BUT think of all the money we'll save from not fixing the road all the time and not needing to plow them.

It will also give birds a safe place to stand. Maybe deer can climb up and over the roof so they don't get hit on the highway.

I can't think of one bad thing about the road roof. Unless you like looking at the sky when you drive. But you should really be paying attention to the road and not staring at a cloud that looks like a dragon because staring at the dragon won't save you from hitting a cop car in a speed trap. Trust me.

He did NOT see the dragon. He said it looked more like me getting arrested.

I keep telling him he's looking at the wrong part of the dashboard camera video. You can see the dragon. After I'm removed from the hood.

I'm off to do community service.

Enjoy!

-DJ