meat cards

A man has created business cards made out of meat. They're flat pieces of beef jerky with your contact info lasered onto it.

I don't know what else to say about it.

Person: "Here's my card."

Me: "This is meat."

Person: "It's a meat card."

Me: "You handed me a piece of meat. With words on it."

Person: "So you can contact me."

Me: "It's meat."

Person: "It's so you'll remember this meeting...with meat."

Me: "This is disgusting. You're trying to get business with animal carcass."

Person: "You can snack on it later."

Me: "It's old meat that was sitting in your pocket."

Person: "Well, I know you won't forget this meeting!"

Me: "I really wish I could."

And that is my conversation from yesterday. Then I threw a steak at him and ran away. Don't worry, I put a sticky-note with my contact info on the steak.

I'm off to eat a business card.

Enjoy!

-DJ

again with the star wars

I always get distracted when cool Star Wars stuff comes out. I know you probably think most of it is boring, but this time I KNOW you'll love it.

Lightsaber Chopsticks. That's right. Little lightsabers that are perfect for enjoying General Tso's Chicken. You would use lightsabers on General Tso because he was a follower of the Sith Lord, Darth Sidious.

It may be great chicken, but it's still evil. Unless you eat it with lightsaber chopsticks.

Not only are these great for eating, but you can have tiny lightsaber battles with your friends.

I think I would use these everywhere. If I had to go to a fancy dinner for work or something, I might enjoy a fancy salad with my lightsaber chopsticks.

Server: "Your fancy french-named salad, sir."

Me: "Thank you."

Sound FX (made by me): "VVVVVVOOOOM WHOOSH"

Server: "I can get you a fork, sir."

Me: "If you get me a fork, I will lightsaber you so fast that the millennium falcon wouldn't even be able to save you."

Sound FX (made by me again): "VOOSH! ZOOM! WHOOSH!"

And that is why I will never be asked to go out to dinner again. Which would be awesome, because I hate fancy dinners. They never let you have any fun.

I'm off to practice my chopstick form.

Enjoy!

-DJ

nothing at all

There is a small town in Arizona named Nothing. It has two residents. There is a pizza parlor and a mini mart. The town is five to nine acres in size.

What does that even mean?! Five to nine acres?! How does a town change size? Is there some sort of tectonic plate there? Does it constantly shift? Are they located next to an unstable multi-dimensional shift?

Why doesn't another real town just absorb Nothing? I'll tell you why. Pizza Man Mike.

Pizza Man Mike is trying to keep Nothing going strong. He wants to create Nothing into a private community. I guess for the two people who live there. Mike wants Nothing for himself and his neighbor.

I'm not sure Mike gets the joke. I do.

So, if you're looking for a family road trip across the states, then be sure to stop in Nothing and have a pizza. Tell Mike I said hi. And to give up. Nothing isn't worth it. And not in a double negative sort of way.

I'm off to shift a tectonic plate.

Enjoy!

-DJ

they're in my head

There is a store that gives out coupons when you get a receipt from them. I won't say who they are, but if you have good aim, you probably hit this a lot.

And this store is stalking me. I swear! They are!

Okay, so a few weeks ago I was running low on laundry detergent. I went to that store and got a coupon for THE EXACT KIND THAT I USE!

Weird, right?!

THEN! Yesterday, I went to that store again to get my laundry detergent. I was putting stuff onto the conveyor belt and got a paper cut from one of the tags hanging off a shirt I bought.

I bought my stuff and the coupon I got was for band-aids. BAND-AIDS! It's like they knew I just got a cut!

How did they know? I think they tagged me. Or they can read my mind. I'm not sure yet.

It's scary, but at the same time, I save money on things I need, so I can't really complain.

I'm off to buy what they tell me to.

Enjoy!

-DJ

cracker jack

Does anybody eat Cracker Jacks anymore? They seem like such an old snack. I can picture kids in 1956 eating them, but they don't have the same pizzazz as today's snacks.

Kids in 1956 might have also said pizzazz when referring to their Cracker Jacks. Today, kids might say their candy is da bomb.

I liked how the old box was a present. They wrapped a plain box in their packaging and you could unwrap it and find a gift of...CRACKER JACKS!

Did you ever get anything cool in a Cracker Jack box? I didn't. I'm pretty sure I got the same prize every time. It was a small, square piece of orange plastic with a convex circle on it. So I could magnify things. And make them appear orange.

It was lame. Like, really, really lame. Maybe kids loved it in 1956 when everything was in black and white, but I needed more stimulation than that.

So, I liked collecting glittery stickers. Because I was cool.

I'm off to add some pizzazz to my life.

Enjoy!

-DJ

space program

In space, everybody can smell your breath. Or so I'm told. By China.

China has some strict rules for their astronauts. If you want to get up to that space station in the sky, you must NOT have bad breath. And that is only one of their requirements.

Some of the other rules are that you cannot have a runny nose, no scars, and no cavities. They also said that your wife has to allow you to go. Implying that women aren't allowed in space.

Why? Well, we all know how it is in space. If you were a woman with a runny nose, scars and cavities, you might...um...scare...uh...I don't know. There's nothing up there! Do they think some alien life form (or ALF, as the government calls them) won't talk to you if you have scars? Aliens might love a good scar story!

Female Astronaut: Hello ALF!

ALF: I'm not talking to you.

Female Astronaut: Why not?

ALF: You have a scar. And a cavity. And you are a woman.

Female Astronaut: Yeah, but you should hear the story about how I got the scar! It involves a samurai and a pile of waffles!

ALF: (holding his hand in front of her face) See this? This is me not talking to you.

Female Astronaut: Jerk.

And that is why China is leading the way in space travel! They know how it is up there! You have a degree in space travel? WHO CARES! You didn't brush your teeth enough! OUT!

I like brushing my teeth.

I'm off to apply for a job in the Australian space program. They'll take just about anybody.

Enjoy!

-DJ

bow-humor

I may have mentioned in the past that I'm bow-legged. It's pretty exciting. I walk like a cowboy. Though, clearly I am not that rugged. I have a rug at home, but I don't think that counts.

If you don't know, a bow-legged person can't put their knees together if their feet are touching. Try it. Stand straight up. Put your feet together. I bet you can get your knees to touch. I can't. Thus creating a "bow" effect.

I tell myself that this happened because my legs needed the arch in order to support the major awesomeness of my upper body. I encourage you to tell me that as well.

Back to the point: I heard a bow-legged joke this weekend! I know! I didn't think there were any! But there is at least one. I'm pretty excited. I would like to use it at cocktail parties and social gatherings. Not that I go to either, but if I ever accidentally enter one, I can use this joke.

Why did the cowboy lose his job?

Because he couldn't keep his calves together!

HA!

Tell you friends. Do you know any bow-legged jokes? I'd love to hear them. And steal them so I can be popular at parties.

I'm off to ride a horse.

Enjoy!

-DJ