Friday, February 26, 2010

meteorite gun

What are people always saying about science? There are too many guns! Those scientists are always shooting stuff. Sometimes they use lasers, which are cool, but when a laser is too high tech, they grab a 20mm and fire away.

They recently did this to shoot amino acids. It's sort of like duck hunt. If you miss, the dog WILL laugh at you.

They weren't shooting amino acids out of malice, but rather to find out if they could have survived a meteorite crash.

The amino acids with the molecular alkyl side chain were the toughest and survived the gun shot wounds. They were pretty upset about getting shot, so they then attacked the scientists.

Unfortunately, they are so small that the scientists didn't even know they were getting attacked. They just felt a tickle in their nose. The tickle did make them sneeze a lot, so that's a little like revenge.

So what did we learn today? Guns don't kill amino acids, scientists do.

I'm off to meet E or Ite.

Enjoy Everything.


Tuesday, February 23, 2010

goo bath time

Whoa...this is goo-tastic! Gelli Baff! It's this great new product that "turns ordinary water into glorious goo!" And you're supposed to take a bath in it!

No kidding! It says right on the box that you can "Bathe in magic goo!"

Water is SO boring! Goo is so NOT boring!

You pour some powder into a tub of water. Then mix it around. It becomes a slimy goo. Then you add some goo dissolver and it turns back into water. And you can get it in four colors!

I don't know if it actually gets you clean. But who cares! You're covered in goo!

I'm off to take a gelli baff...if I have water...which I might not.

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, February 22, 2010

speed of light

Some professor of radiology says that traveling at the speed of light would kill us. I don't know where this guy came from, but I DO know he doesn't even work in radio! Let me tell you something else. Radio has to do with sound, not light. Take that professor. I know a little something about radio, but I'm not so pretentious that I would call myself a "professor" of radiology.

I do pretend to know a lot about traveling at the speed of light. You could call me a professor of lightology. Or Dr. Light. But not the same Dr. Light who created Mega Man. Even though Mega Man is cool. I wish I created him. Maybe I did create him after traveling back in time. I haven't done it yet. But I did/will.

Also, being a lightologist, I can tell you that traveling at the speed of light would not kill you. The study said that the radiation from hydrogen atoms would be too much for the human body to handle.

But he forgot that I'm traveling at the speed of light. Which is, like, way faster than my car. So, I'm going so fast that by the time the hydrogen radiation kills me, I will already be somewhere else. Alive.

Make sense? Good. I knew you'd get it.

I'm off to be a dimensionless physical constant.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, February 19, 2010


Did you know that the Supreme Court of the United States is also known as SCOTUS? I never thought about it until I read it in some news article. It was about the Supreme Court. Beyond that, I didn't really care because I fell in love with the word SCOTUS. I've heard of POTUS for the president, but never thought about the Supreme Court. Heck, I didn't even know we had a Supreme Court until yesterday. Now I love them. Well, I love their acronym.

Scotus is the kind of word you can use in everyday conversation:

Person: "How are you feeling today?"

Me: "Totally Scotus!"

Person: "Nice. What are you going to do?"

Me: "I'm going to scotus to the store! And then eat some scotus dinner!"

Person: "Why are you shouting?"


Wanna know what else is totally scotus? It's just as it sounds. It's a website with pictures of babies with laser vision. Nothing entertains me more than babies making toast with their eyes.

I'm off to scotus.

Enjoy Everything


Wednesday, February 17, 2010

bee miles

I just read an article that says bees can travel 4,704,208 miles per gallon. Via honey-fuel. I don't know why they did this study, but I guess they wanted to figure out how efficient a bee was compared to a car. Even though they are not related at all.

I tried to figure out how much a human could get. Not by myself, I looked it up online hoping somebody else already did the work. They kinda did, but not very clearly. One site said we could get 400mpg if humans actually ran on gasoline. Another used food, the actual stuff we eat, and found that we get about 12mpg.

Solution? Internal combustion engine. Internal meaning inside your chest. Bam! We eat food and drink gas and we get, like, 200mpg!

You could totally do this to me. I've lost feeling around my ribs, so surgery should be no problem.

Also, maybe you could add a bee in there. I could get 100,000mpg if I eat some honey as well. I could also sting people with my words. Because that's what happens when you have a bee living inside of you. And I have a sharp wit. Wha-pshhh! (that's my whip sound, in case you didn't know).

You're welcome, environment. I just made everybody more fuel efficient. And, I have a whip.

I'm off to internally combust.

Enjoy Everything.


Tuesday, February 16, 2010


I love text abbreviations. As long as I know what the letters stand for, I have no problem with them being used. Simplify the language, right!

Of course, I don't always get what people mean. LOL is Laugh Out Loud. But what is LOLOL? Is it Laugh Out Loud Out Loud?

Or Laugh Out Loud Outer Louder?

Laugh Out Laugher Out Loud?

I just don't know.

Oh yeah, you HAVE to watch the new TV show Kick Buttowski! It's so awesome! Just trust me.

I'm off to Laugh Out Loudly Over Lollipops.

Enjoy Everything.


Friday, February 12, 2010

a valentine poem

If you're looking for a Valentine's Day poem for your loved one, I wrote it for you. Recite this:

Star Wars, G.I. Joe and Spider-Man are great movies.
I like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Batman.
Superman. Nova. Rocket Raccoon. Iceman.
The Hulk. The Flash. Captain America.
And you.

oh...and Wolverine is awesome!

The End.

After you use this poem, your partner will melt into a pile of goo. Don't do it over something absorbent like a sponge or cotton balls. I don't know how gooey your man or woman will become, but sometimes it's a very liquidy goo that will get sucked right up by a sham-wow.

You have your warnings and you have your poem. Go forth and make valentiney.

Enjoy Everything.


Wednesday, February 10, 2010

snow day? go joe!

The best thing about snow is that you are stuck indoors. And when you're stuck indoors, you can watch movies!

If you're like me (which would be scary), then you have a few favorites that you watch all the time. Maybe when you're sick or feeling lazy and you just want to watch a movie, you'll put on Star Wars or Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure and just relax to a great film.

Well, I have a new movie to add to that list. G. I. Joe. I know! I can't stop talking about this movie! It's that good!

And it's perfect for a snowy day!

Why is it so good? It's like a comic book put in motion. It's the best comic book movie I have ever seen. It is better than Spider-Man, Batman and X-Men. No joke. G.I. Joe is what those movies SHOULD have been.

G.I. Joe Movie Maker: "What did you give your movies?"

Other Superhero Movie Makers: "Boring Juice."

G.I. Joe Movie Maker: "Then I'm going to give my movie AWESOME JUICE!"

Other Superhero Movie Makers: "Whatevs."

And thus, a great movie was born.

I know I'm talking about the G.I. Joe movie a lot, but I mean, did you see that chase scene?! SO COOL!

Okay, I'm done, for now. I will try to stop talking about it, but I can't promise anything.

I'm off to get some awesome juice.

Enjoy Everything.


Monday, February 8, 2010

swords are for swording

This guy in Australia swallowed 18 swords. He wanted to have the world record. And he does. He's been practicing for 15 years. He started doing this when he was 16. Now, he is 31. And he has the world record for sword swallowing. Um...good job?

I don't understand why somebody would swallow a sword. I guess it could be helpful if you were getting attacked with a sword and the attacker tried to stab you in your mouth. Very slowly and carefully. Actually, no. I don't see that happening.

You know what swords are good for? Swording. If you feel like swallowing one, try HVAC instead. Don't swallow it, get into the business. I hear they make good money. And when HVAC specialists are not fixing your heating, they are probably not swallowing swords. Though they might be using a sword to attack HVAC's evil nemesis, Unregulated Temperature.

Oooooooh...scary! And humid!

I'm off to sword stuff in a comfortable environment.

Enjoy Everything


Friday, February 5, 2010

space cadet pet

I have a new idea for a cartoon! A mouse, two turtles and a couple of worms fly around space in a rocket and get into all sorts of crazy adventures!

What?'re's not really my idea. It's Iran's. They launched a rocket with a mouse, two turtles and worms into space the other day. Their pets didn't do much except fall back to Earth. MY idea has them landing on different planets. So it's kinda different.

Iran did it to show off their rocket skills. I'm doing it to make millions from parents who want to buy their kids toys based on my cartoon series.

You don't think they could sue me, do you? Can a country sue one person? Maybe Iran would be honored because they were the inspiration for my cartoon.

I don't know. What do you think? Should I risk getting Iran mad? They'll understand, right?

I already have a bunch of ideas! In one episode, they are going to land on a small moon where phones ring backwards. How will they get out of that mess?! You'll have to watch it and see!

I'm off to work on my show ideas.

Enjoy Everything.


Thursday, February 4, 2010

more robots!

I want to go to Harvard University. Apparently, they got a LOT of stimulus money. Not to create new jobs, but to create new bees. Robot bees.

That's right! NINE MILLION DOLLARS to create robotic bees! I have no idea why they are creating robotic bees, but as you know, robots are cool. So, does it really matter?

I have a feeling that it is just another safety measure to the chance of a rogue robot groundhog, but I'm not sure. There is no word on the sort of weapons that the robot bees will have, but I'm guessing it will be stingers with nanobots. Of course, I'm no roboticist.

Harvard ALSO got $225,000 to study the horns of the narwhal. Now THAT'S a waste of money. I can already tell you what that is for.

Destroying evil wizards who attack unicorns. Or destroying any evil stuff. But mostly wizards because narwhals can't be hurt by magic. Or bullets.

So I guess some of the money is wasted. Oh, a school in Agawam got $25,000 for vertical blinds. I would say that's a waste of money, but vertical blinds can be helpful...WHEN YOU ARE IN A FIGHT AGAINST THE SUN! And they are the only thing known to harm a narwhal. So, there's that too.

I'm off to win a sun/narwhal battle.

Enjoy Everything


Tuesday, February 2, 2010

robot groundhog

You may have heard that PETA wants to replace Phil with a robot because they say the Groundhog Day event is too stressful.

Whatever. Whether it is stressful or not, we should TOTALLY replace Phil with a robot! Because robots are awesome!

We could give him lasers and rocket boots and a sword! And he could eat diamonds!

The fear is that he could eventually evolve past his original programming and rebel against his human oppressors, but we have a backup plan.

The hummingbirds.

You don't think so? Have you seen these things?! They fly at, like, 60mph and have daggers on their face! With the hummingbirds on our side, we have NOTHING to worry about.

So let's get that robot groundhog and hope it rebels. I wanna watch that fight.

I'm off to find my shadow.

Enjoy Everything


Monday, February 1, 2010

lots of crayons

There's a new law in science, kids! Crayola's Law.

Some guy figured out the formula for the amount of colors Crayola will have over time. From the original 8 to the 120 we can choose from now, he found that Crayola has increased their color choices by 2.56% a year.

That means that in 2050, you will have to buy a box of 330 crayons to make your kids happy.

Do you know what would make me happy? Crayons that tasted like candy. I would LOVE 330 flavors of colors to choose from!

Now THAT'S science!

I'm off to eat some neon green.

Enjoy Everything.