dries clear

If you're looking to be the coolest person in the room, the kids in Romania can help. College students in Romania are putting deodorant on their clothes. Like, on the outside of their t-shirts. Because they think it makes them look cool.

One of the kids is actually quoted as saying that it makes him feel "as tough as Wentworth Miller and Bon Jovi combined."

I have no idea why he feels that way. I'm guessing he buys stuff that leaves a white residue. I mean, those clear deodorants wouldn't really do anything. Nobody would be able to see that you're wearing it. And who wants that?

Are we sure that it didn't start because people didn't know what to do with deodorant? Maybe deodorant is new in Romania. I have no idea what their views are when it comes to underarms. Maybe it wasn't a big deal to the Romanians. Then, Speed Stick wanted to make a move over there and started selling deodorant. Unfortunately, nobody had seen it and just started spreading it on their clothes.

It seems overgarment deodorant makes you feel tough as well. If you recall, it's a combination of Wentworth Miller and Bon Jovi. That's pretty tough. Almost as tough as Chuck Norris.

Maybe I should try putting deodorant all over my clothes. I could probably beat up a tree. I'd like to see Chuck Norris do that.

I'm off to buy some deodorant.

Enjoy!

-DJ

baby sumo

Did you hear about this?! Nakizumo is a Japanese contest where two babies stare at each other until one of them cries. The two babies are held up by sumo wrestlers. So, it's also a contest for them because holding a baby in front of you really works the shoulders.

Nakizumo means "crying sumo" in Japanese. I guess the baby that does not cry goes to the next round.

I would watch this sport. I don't follow a lot of sports, but this one just sounds so entertaining that it would be worth getting ESPN: The Hachi.

Forget your college basketball bracket, go for the crying sumo baby bracket!

I'm putting all my money on "Dry Eyes" because he's been kicking major diaper. I know a lot of people are looking at the underdog "Tear Free Fighter" to cause a big upset, but I don't think he's gonna be able to pull it off. Nobody is betting on "Sir Bawls-A-Lot." Of course, we have to watch out for "She Who Doesn't Cry" because that lady is a tough cookie. And she also has won a lot of cookies. Because that's what you get when you win. A cookie.

I want to win some cookies. I could probably stare at a baby and not cry. Though, it might get uncomfortable when the sumo wrestler holds me up. But it would be worth it.

I'm off to dry my eyes.

Enjoy!

-DJ

tips for mom shopping

No, I don't mean actually purchasing a mother! Shopping for your mom since mother's day is coming up.

Buy her stuff that she likes and/or needs. That is the only tip.

Here is what I am doing for mother's day. I am going to buy my mom poison-tipped throwing stars.

Because my mom is a ninja. And she flies a rocket ship to get to places where she ninjas things. (ninja can be used as a verb)

Last year I got her a bumper sticker for her rocket ship. It said "If you can read this, you are too close to my rocket ship. So if you don't back off, I might have to ninja you!"

She loved it. It is on her rocket ship right now.

I can't wait to go to the ninja store because they also sell maple syrup. The maple syrup is not poisoned.

I'm off to check on throwing star shipping charges.

Enjoy!

-DJ

let's go ride a bike

A man in China has created a bicycle! It's a spiffy new invention where you can sit down on a contraption and use your feet to make it go! Genius, right?!

Okay, so you've seen a bike. But not like this. An "inventor" in China, named Guan Baihua, made a bike with a five-sided pentagon as the front wheel and a three-sided triangle for the back wheel. I give you the side counts to make sure understand that THE WHEELS ARE NOT ROUND!

Hold on. I have to look up the word wheel. I have a feeling that in order to be a wheel, something must be round. Let's see...

Ok, so I looked it up. It has to be circular and rotate. Is a pentagon circular enough to be considered a wheel?

Anyway, some guy made this. He said it's not as bumpy as you would think, but it is harder to pedal. He wanted to give people an alternative to the standard bicycle with two round wheels.

So, I have alternatives for people bored of useful objects.

How about a phone without an earpiece? You don't want to hear what anybody is saying, so why pretend to listen? Just call your friends and tell them what they need to hear!

Perhaps you are looking for a spoon with hole in it. That way, you will never burn your tongue on your soup because it will never make it to your mouth. AND! You will have a very warm lap!

And finally, for those who really want a challenge, a keyboard where every key is a different size. The "J" will be bigger than the space key, but the "T" will be smaller than a needle point. Perhaps I will keep "Q" the standard size. It's not like anybody likes the letter Q.

I'm off to deal with the calls from The Q Appreciation Association.

Enjoy!

-DJ

pork cake

At a wedding in England, the new couple decided that, instead of cake, they would have a 22-pound, four-tier cake/pie made out of pork.

I don't know what else to say. I now know that pork cake is cheaper than a traditional wedding cake. I also know that pork cake sounds disgusting.

Do you think they smooshed it into each other's faces? That's gross. Not just regular gross, but the kid of gross that only comes from people smearing pork products on their face.

In order to get that image out of our heads, I'm going to tell you a story.

On a sunshiny day, all the rainbows decided to come out and play. All the people in the land came out and danced on giant cakes made of sugar and frosting. Then, when everybody was done dancing on cake, we all jumped in the pools of pie! Pie-pools filled with sugary, fruit sweetness. Finally, the day was completed with movies about stuffed animals eating cupcakes and gummy bears.

The end.

Don't you feel better?

I'm off to buy normal, sugar-cake.

Enjoy!

-DJ

the detector of metal

I was watching one of my cartoons-for-kids-under-the-age-four the other day and it reminded me of something that I had when I was a kid. A metal detector. And much like Kipper and Tiger, I didn't actually find anything.

I'm pretty sure I really wanted one. For some reason. And I'm willing to bet my parents told me that my backyard did not have any buried treasure. Of course, as a child, I did not believe them. I was pretty sure that they didn't even check the premises with their own metal detector and therefore they were under the impression that no treasure existed. Little did I know that pirates do not hide treasure under a blueberry bush in the suburbs.

Still, it seemed like a good a place as any when I was a kid.

I don't know if you ever owned a metal detector, but I'm pretty sure nobody finds anything with them. Well, except maybe that my parents found the beeping annoying, but that's not really a treasure.

Did you ever find anything with a metal detector that you or your parents did not hide underground? I think I once took some quarters and threw them onto the yard to see if I could find them again.

I did not.

Well...not until my dad was mowing the lawn and found out a bunch of quarters were messing up the blades. I guess the lawn mower worked as a better metal detector. That's fun to say, "better metal detector."

I think mine broke soon after I got it. It may have been out of frustration. I can't remember.

So, maybe you were lucky enough to find a Kenner Kiddie Fondue Machine in your yard, but maybe you only found a paper clip. Either way, you found more than I did.

I'm off to look for buried treasure.

Enjoy!

-DJ

dancing dangers

There's a club in Austin with a fancy dance floor that you've probably never seen before. It is a 20,000 gallon tank with sharks in it! It has blacktip reef sharks, leopard sharks and four species of stingrays. And you get to dance above them!

Some people are unhappy about this. I don't know why. It's a well known fact that sharks love dancing. Have you ever seen them wiggle around in the water? It looks like they have music going on in their head all the time. They're probably mixing beats as they swim.

I bet if you gave a shark two turntables and microphone, it would show you where it's at.

And stingrays! Their pectoral fins flow like a sine wave! Put some glow sticks on those fins and it will look like you just entered a rave!

So there you go. It's actually more crueler to keep sharks in the ocean than in the dance floor. And I hate it when people are more crueler.

Seriously, you can't start a fire worrying about your little world falling apart. This gun's for hire even if we're just dancing with the sharks.

And possibly in the dark.

I'm off to work on my sine wave.

Enjoy!

-DJ