It's time for Halloween!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is that enough of an exclamation? I hope it is! Since I'm such a nice guy, I decided to help all of those parents out there with children. I guess all parents would have children. You wouldn't technically be a parent unless there was a child. I think I mean parents of young children that are going out trick-or-treating tonight.
I know there are a lot of safety concerns and we don't want the little ghosts and goblins to get hurt, so I have some tips on what you should and shouldn't do tonight.
Now pay attention:
Unless your child is actually a REAL ninja, do not let them dress as a ninja in all black. It's good for them to blend into the night if they are actually fighting off samurais from the Neko clan, BUT if they are going out just to get candy, it's not too safe. Here's the solution: Buy a bright green ninja costume. This way they will stand out against darkness of night. If your green ninja wants to know why they are bright green, just tell them that they would blend in if they were in a huge, open, grass field on a cartoon. The grass on cartoons is usually bright and green. Therefore, we could not see your day-glow ninja.
Pirates are another great costume, but tend to be darker colors. Again, that is not safe at night. Instead, be a Pink Pirate! Pink is easy to see at night, and if you ask any pirate, they will tell you that they wish they could get away with wearing pink. It's true. Have you ever met a real pirate? I have. And they LOVE pink.
If you're going to be a pirate, do NOT bring a real sword around with you. I know it sounds like a great idea, but it's not. Once people start hearing about a real pirate around town, they will lock their doors. When that happens, there is no more candy to get. It's better to be nice to the candy-givers than to threaten them. You want them to keep giving you candy every year. If things get all stabby...well...they might not give you candy next year.
Finally, and this is the MOST important piece of advice you will ever get in your life, so put down your ipods and hoola hoops, kids, because I'm only going to say this once...EAT AS MUCH CANDY AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN AS SOON AS YOU GET HOME. You need as much sugar in your system as you can get so you can make it through the time change on Sunday. Riboflavin, too. Without these two ingredients in your body, I cannot guarantee that you will make it through the time change without any side effects. I've seen a lot of strange things happen to people who didn't overload on sugar and riboflavin before the time change.
I'm only here for your safety. It's a tough job trying to keep the world safe, but it's what I do.
I'm off to watch the green ninjas battle the pink pirates.
Enjoy!
-DJ
Friday, October 31, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
halloween memories
Do you remember your most favoritest costume when you were a kid? I think I do. I'm not sure because I can't remember most of them, BUT I do remember one that I loved.
Spaceman!
It was this white suit and helmet with a blue belt and blue plastic visor. I had a ray gun as well. Not a real ray gun, but a fake one that made sounds. Ok, so it didn't make noise unless I made "PCHOOOOOO" sounds, but my sounds were pretty convincing and I think they may have convinced a few people that my ray gun was real.
Of course, once they saw that it was made of plastic, they knew it wasn't real. Everyone knows that real ray guns are made of adamantium. Otherwise they'll melt when being used. Duh.
As a spaceman, from outer space, I probably saved the universe a bunch of times. IN FACT, I think I saved many other universes as well because my space ship could go pretty fast...and had, like, real ray guns and space bombs and pineapple juice on it. Aliens HATE pineapple juice. This is weird, because I love it.
Anyway, I actually remember that costume. I think there are old pictures of me in other costumes for halloween. I'm pretty sure I went as raggedy Andy one year. Maybe it was raggedy Anne. They both look alike to me.
I think I also when out as Ernie one year. I had to wear one of those plastic masks that they don't make anymore because you can't see out of them. They are also gross because all your face moisture stays on the inside of the mask making it horribly uncomfortable. Blindness and face sweat were worth a bag full of candy, though.
So, did you have any wonderful costumes when you were a kid? I wish I could remember more, but I'm pretty sure all that candy messed up my memory. For all I know, I'm just making all this up.
I'm off to play with my ray gun.
PCHOOOOOOO! PCHOOOOOO!
Enjoy!
-DJ
Spaceman!
It was this white suit and helmet with a blue belt and blue plastic visor. I had a ray gun as well. Not a real ray gun, but a fake one that made sounds. Ok, so it didn't make noise unless I made "PCHOOOOOO" sounds, but my sounds were pretty convincing and I think they may have convinced a few people that my ray gun was real.
Of course, once they saw that it was made of plastic, they knew it wasn't real. Everyone knows that real ray guns are made of adamantium. Otherwise they'll melt when being used. Duh.
As a spaceman, from outer space, I probably saved the universe a bunch of times. IN FACT, I think I saved many other universes as well because my space ship could go pretty fast...and had, like, real ray guns and space bombs and pineapple juice on it. Aliens HATE pineapple juice. This is weird, because I love it.
Anyway, I actually remember that costume. I think there are old pictures of me in other costumes for halloween. I'm pretty sure I went as raggedy Andy one year. Maybe it was raggedy Anne. They both look alike to me.
I think I also when out as Ernie one year. I had to wear one of those plastic masks that they don't make anymore because you can't see out of them. They are also gross because all your face moisture stays on the inside of the mask making it horribly uncomfortable. Blindness and face sweat were worth a bag full of candy, though.
So, did you have any wonderful costumes when you were a kid? I wish I could remember more, but I'm pretty sure all that candy messed up my memory. For all I know, I'm just making all this up.
I'm off to play with my ray gun.
PCHOOOOOOO! PCHOOOOOO!
Enjoy!
-DJ
Monday, October 27, 2008
juicy fruit
I am going to be in another play soon (shall I plug? Nov. 7, 8, 14, 15, 21, 22 with Enfield Valley Rep) and I was trying to think of something fun to write for my bio. We get to write little acting bios so people can learn about us. I don't have much to talk about, so I usually make up silly things to entertain people.
This latest one is silly, but true. I wrote that I was inspired to act from a Juicy Fruit commercial. You remember Juicy Fruit, right? It's gum! As I recall, the taste, the taste, the taste is gonna moooooove ya. It was popular in the 80s. Doublemint gum was big then, too. It doubled your pleasure, in case you forgot. Wrigley's had a huge chunk of the gum market in those days.
Anyway, I remember seeing a commercial of some guys chewing Juicy Fruit and polishing something. So I grabbed a rag, a stick of Juicy Fruit and started to polish the stairs. With imaginary polish, of course. That is the earliest memory I have of acting. I'm pretty sure I did it because the guys in the commercial were really happy and I thought polishing would make me happy, too. (Proof that kids do copy what they see on tv!)
It worked! Well, polishing didn't make me happy, but chewing Juicy Fruit did! Polishing is not a fun job, but the gum did in fact "move me" into happy! I believe that is what they mean when they tell me the taste will move me. It moves you from not having fun to having fun. Try it. You'll see.
Since 1893, Juicy Fruit has been helping people smile. I'm pretty sure that Roosevelt was chewing it when he was working on the Panama Canal. That's why he always looked so happy.
Einstein was chewing it when he was working on his special theory of relativity. Juicy Fruit is the reason it is special.
Finally, and you can look this up in the history books, George Foreman was chewing it when he created the Foreman Grill. 100% true. Look at the man! He's happy! Thanks to the Juicy Fruit!
So, why aren't you chewing it right now? It will move you! MOVE! You'll probably make millions of dollars by creating new inventions and ocean-connecting canals!
I'm off to make more horribly inaccurate historical facts.
Enjoy!
-DJ
This latest one is silly, but true. I wrote that I was inspired to act from a Juicy Fruit commercial. You remember Juicy Fruit, right? It's gum! As I recall, the taste, the taste, the taste is gonna moooooove ya. It was popular in the 80s. Doublemint gum was big then, too. It doubled your pleasure, in case you forgot. Wrigley's had a huge chunk of the gum market in those days.
Anyway, I remember seeing a commercial of some guys chewing Juicy Fruit and polishing something. So I grabbed a rag, a stick of Juicy Fruit and started to polish the stairs. With imaginary polish, of course. That is the earliest memory I have of acting. I'm pretty sure I did it because the guys in the commercial were really happy and I thought polishing would make me happy, too. (Proof that kids do copy what they see on tv!)
It worked! Well, polishing didn't make me happy, but chewing Juicy Fruit did! Polishing is not a fun job, but the gum did in fact "move me" into happy! I believe that is what they mean when they tell me the taste will move me. It moves you from not having fun to having fun. Try it. You'll see.
Since 1893, Juicy Fruit has been helping people smile. I'm pretty sure that Roosevelt was chewing it when he was working on the Panama Canal. That's why he always looked so happy.
Einstein was chewing it when he was working on his special theory of relativity. Juicy Fruit is the reason it is special.
Finally, and you can look this up in the history books, George Foreman was chewing it when he created the Foreman Grill. 100% true. Look at the man! He's happy! Thanks to the Juicy Fruit!
So, why aren't you chewing it right now? It will move you! MOVE! You'll probably make millions of dollars by creating new inventions and ocean-connecting canals!
I'm off to make more horribly inaccurate historical facts.
Enjoy!
-DJ
Friday, October 24, 2008
it's not a costume, it's a uniform
It's time again for my job to have its Halloween Costume Ball. I've decided recently that I'm a little torn about halloween. On one hand, it is a holiday for candy. On the other hand, I have to dress up. Then again...candy...at least there used to be candy.
Yeah. I don't get candy anymore, do I. I can't go to people's houses and ask for treats because I'm too old. I've tried it. They don't like giving out candy to the big kids. You little kids should still go out there and get candy. As much as your little arms can carry. Then get more and drag the bag home. Maybe bring a wagon to hold multiple bags. Wheels on the wagon cause less friction allowing you to carry more. It all has to do with wheels and axles and simple machines. See, kids? Science gives you more candy!
I think I used to love halloween because I would dress up and get candy. Now all I do is dress up. There is no candy. That is why I've been lazy finding a costume for this year's party. I used to get a reward (candy) for putting on a costume. Now I have to put on a costume to work for free. I don't get prizes or anything (pouting).
Last year I was Superman. It was fun. It wasn't very creative, but that didn't matter to me anymore. I tried to be creative in the past, but nobody got the jokes. I used to think up costumes, but I had to explain myself all night.
My big idea this year was to go as a paper clip. I would hold paper all night. I could also be a stapler...and hold paper all night.
I guess the good thing about halloween is that candy goes on sale right afterwards. If I can wait long enough, it'll be 90% off. Unfortunately, that'll probably be the candy that nobody wants. Like candy corn. yuck.
I hate to be a downer, but halloween has beaten me. Do you hear that halloween! You won! I will still eat your candy, but I will not dress up for you!
Maybe I could go as a trick-or-treater and carry around a bag of candy. That way I will have candy all night! Sweet.
I'm off to work on my costume.
Enjoy!
-DJ
Yeah. I don't get candy anymore, do I. I can't go to people's houses and ask for treats because I'm too old. I've tried it. They don't like giving out candy to the big kids. You little kids should still go out there and get candy. As much as your little arms can carry. Then get more and drag the bag home. Maybe bring a wagon to hold multiple bags. Wheels on the wagon cause less friction allowing you to carry more. It all has to do with wheels and axles and simple machines. See, kids? Science gives you more candy!
I think I used to love halloween because I would dress up and get candy. Now all I do is dress up. There is no candy. That is why I've been lazy finding a costume for this year's party. I used to get a reward (candy) for putting on a costume. Now I have to put on a costume to work for free. I don't get prizes or anything (pouting).
Last year I was Superman. It was fun. It wasn't very creative, but that didn't matter to me anymore. I tried to be creative in the past, but nobody got the jokes. I used to think up costumes, but I had to explain myself all night.
My big idea this year was to go as a paper clip. I would hold paper all night. I could also be a stapler...and hold paper all night.
I guess the good thing about halloween is that candy goes on sale right afterwards. If I can wait long enough, it'll be 90% off. Unfortunately, that'll probably be the candy that nobody wants. Like candy corn. yuck.
I hate to be a downer, but halloween has beaten me. Do you hear that halloween! You won! I will still eat your candy, but I will not dress up for you!
Maybe I could go as a trick-or-treater and carry around a bag of candy. That way I will have candy all night! Sweet.
I'm off to work on my costume.
Enjoy!
-DJ
Thursday, October 23, 2008
caring enough to give the gift of heifer
I'm sure a lot of people don't want to hear about it, but christmas is already in the works this year. I don't do too much for the holiday, so I'm not really getting ready right now, but I do know some people are already done with their gift buying. Might as well get it done early, right!
That's why I'm here. To help all of you folks who want to find the perfect gift for the person who has everything. How about a heifer! That's right, for the low, low price of $500, you can buy your loved one a brand new heifer!
Ok, so you can't EXACTLY do that, but you sort of can. I heard about this before, but I never got the catalog. It is actually called "The most important gift catalog in the world." Yep. The entire world. It's a charitable organization called Heifer International that allows you to buy animals for families in need. I'm pretty sure that most of these families are in different countries, though I haven't seen the statistics. It is possible that a family in southern Nevada got a goat and is enjoying its milk as we speak.
AND, a goat is only one of the many animals that you can buy for people. You can also get pigs, sheep, rabbits, chicks, bees and more. I would like some rabbits. Ya know, if you're looking to get me something. Bees would be nice too.
I don't usually get all sappy and contemplatative...uh...contemplative...er...contemplatating... ...emotional, but it's fascinating to read the stories from these people. There is a story in the catalog about a family that got a goat. Then the goat had kids. Then they sold one of the kids for $200. This allowed them to put a tin roof on their house. And by house, I think they mean a hut of some sort that is made of sticks. Previously, their roof was made of grass. Oh...and they had money left over for the kids to go to school. Not the goat kids, but the actual human children.
Here's what I would do with an extra $200...that I might get from selling a goat. I could buy some DVDs of TV shows I like. Maybe get a fancy new cell phone. Or buy some comic books...which I could then fashion into a roof on top of a fort that I made out of blankets and the couch. So...I'm kinda like that family from Uganda...like, .00001% like them.
I'm not writing this to guilt you into buying a sheep for a family in Ecuador. I can't afford most of the gifts in the catalog. I just thought it was interesting. I'm sure we all forget what it's like in other parts of the world. I'm no different. I guess it's just one of those reminders to be thankful for what we have.
Ugh...too sappy. True, but sappy. Like, just tapping the maple tree sappy.
I'm off to find some pancakes.
Enjoy!
-DJ
That's why I'm here. To help all of you folks who want to find the perfect gift for the person who has everything. How about a heifer! That's right, for the low, low price of $500, you can buy your loved one a brand new heifer!
Ok, so you can't EXACTLY do that, but you sort of can. I heard about this before, but I never got the catalog. It is actually called "The most important gift catalog in the world." Yep. The entire world. It's a charitable organization called Heifer International that allows you to buy animals for families in need. I'm pretty sure that most of these families are in different countries, though I haven't seen the statistics. It is possible that a family in southern Nevada got a goat and is enjoying its milk as we speak.
AND, a goat is only one of the many animals that you can buy for people. You can also get pigs, sheep, rabbits, chicks, bees and more. I would like some rabbits. Ya know, if you're looking to get me something. Bees would be nice too.
I don't usually get all sappy and contemplatative...uh...contemplative...er...contemplatating... ...emotional, but it's fascinating to read the stories from these people. There is a story in the catalog about a family that got a goat. Then the goat had kids. Then they sold one of the kids for $200. This allowed them to put a tin roof on their house. And by house, I think they mean a hut of some sort that is made of sticks. Previously, their roof was made of grass. Oh...and they had money left over for the kids to go to school. Not the goat kids, but the actual human children.
Here's what I would do with an extra $200...that I might get from selling a goat. I could buy some DVDs of TV shows I like. Maybe get a fancy new cell phone. Or buy some comic books...which I could then fashion into a roof on top of a fort that I made out of blankets and the couch. So...I'm kinda like that family from Uganda...like, .00001% like them.
I'm not writing this to guilt you into buying a sheep for a family in Ecuador. I can't afford most of the gifts in the catalog. I just thought it was interesting. I'm sure we all forget what it's like in other parts of the world. I'm no different. I guess it's just one of those reminders to be thankful for what we have.
Ugh...too sappy. True, but sappy. Like, just tapping the maple tree sappy.
I'm off to find some pancakes.
Enjoy!
-DJ
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
the city of homes
I was talking to the traffic guy at work this morning and he asked me what Springfield was called. I told him it was the "City of Homes." I guess he didn't believe me because when we spoke a little later, he told me I was right...after he looked it up online.
Yeah. He thought it was so dumb that I was making a joke. As if I were saying it's the city of trees because it has trees in it. No. Sacramento is the city of trees.
Where did these nicknames come from? Did one of the founders look over Springfield and say, "I see a lot of homes here. You could, in fact, say that it is a city of homes."
To which his companion/sidekick would say, "I agree sir, but wouldn't that be true of all cities?"
And our founder would reply, "No. Only my town has homes. All the others have houses. No sausage for you tonight."
People were mean back then.
Are you interested in some of the other nicknames for our Western Mass cities? Grand! I will tell you!
West Springfield: West Side! Yeah...because it's the west side of Springfield. Another brilliant observation.
Amherst: (there are actually two...and they are gems) A-town and The Herst. Wow...really? Ok, so let's start off with "The Herst." Did somebody think that was cool in, like, 1983?
"Yo, I'm stoked to the max that I'm going to The Herst today. Totally."
Riiiiiight...and I don't even want to start with "A-town." I'm guessing that was an insult because it looks too much like another "a-" word.
Northampton: (another twofer) Hamp and NoHo. Hamp is about as cool as Herst. Scratch that. Hamp about as bodacious as Herst. I'm pretty sure they just stole NoHo from New York.
The final two that I have today are nothing special but I will give them honorable mentions because they are good from a business point of view.
Holyoke is Paper City and Westfield is Whip City. Holyoke is a good supplier of paper and Westfield sells a lot of whips. Which, for some reason, are still in demand even though nobody rides horses. I can't figure that out. I'll have to look it up.
So there you have it. I don't want you to think I'm making fun of Western Mass. I just wanted to keep it local. I could do this all day if I looked at every city in America. Remember Sacramento? It's the city of Trees. Wait...are you saying there are trees there? WOW! That's some keen observational skills! (heavy on the Sacramento sarcasm)
I'm off to The Herst...because it is rad to the max.
Enjoy!
-DJ
Yeah. He thought it was so dumb that I was making a joke. As if I were saying it's the city of trees because it has trees in it. No. Sacramento is the city of trees.
Where did these nicknames come from? Did one of the founders look over Springfield and say, "I see a lot of homes here. You could, in fact, say that it is a city of homes."
To which his companion/sidekick would say, "I agree sir, but wouldn't that be true of all cities?"
And our founder would reply, "No. Only my town has homes. All the others have houses. No sausage for you tonight."
People were mean back then.
Are you interested in some of the other nicknames for our Western Mass cities? Grand! I will tell you!
West Springfield: West Side! Yeah...because it's the west side of Springfield. Another brilliant observation.
Amherst: (there are actually two...and they are gems) A-town and The Herst. Wow...really? Ok, so let's start off with "The Herst." Did somebody think that was cool in, like, 1983?
"Yo, I'm stoked to the max that I'm going to The Herst today. Totally."
Riiiiiight...and I don't even want to start with "A-town." I'm guessing that was an insult because it looks too much like another "a-" word.
Northampton: (another twofer) Hamp and NoHo. Hamp is about as cool as Herst. Scratch that. Hamp about as bodacious as Herst. I'm pretty sure they just stole NoHo from New York.
The final two that I have today are nothing special but I will give them honorable mentions because they are good from a business point of view.
Holyoke is Paper City and Westfield is Whip City. Holyoke is a good supplier of paper and Westfield sells a lot of whips. Which, for some reason, are still in demand even though nobody rides horses. I can't figure that out. I'll have to look it up.
So there you have it. I don't want you to think I'm making fun of Western Mass. I just wanted to keep it local. I could do this all day if I looked at every city in America. Remember Sacramento? It's the city of Trees. Wait...are you saying there are trees there? WOW! That's some keen observational skills! (heavy on the Sacramento sarcasm)
I'm off to The Herst...because it is rad to the max.
Enjoy!
-DJ
Thursday, October 16, 2008
the debator
I'm pretty sure that's not a word, but it looks cooler than debater, or one who debates. It sounds like Terminator. "I am the De-bay-tour!" It's more superheroish that way. I guess the superhero would be able to debate really, REALLY well.
Faster thinking than a speeding bullet!
More powerful vocal chords than a locomotive!
Able to convince tall buildings that they can be leapt over in a single bound!
When you can't win an argument, there is only one hero to call. THE DEBATOR!
Ok, so that's a lame power to have. Whatever. I bring this up because the presidential debates are over and it's time to choose. I have noticed something, though. The candidates are kind of like little kids. If you have little kids or if you ever were a little kid, then you probably know what I'm talking about. They don't necessarily lie, but they exaggerate...A LOT. They take something and make sound HUGE.
Mom: Eat your vegetables.
Kid: But mooooooooom! You make me eat vegetables ALL THE TIME!
Mom: You didn't eat any yesterday.
Kid: Well, practically all the time. Enough so it SEEMS like all I ever eat are vegetables.
Heck, I still feel like that sometimes, but that's because I like to whine. What we need is a debate with a moderator who can say, "That's not entirely true. Why not just tell us about your plan instead of making up stuff about your opponent?" Then, if they ever stray from the question, they get a slap to the face.
That's what I'd like to see.
I'd also like to see them chug pudding, but I don't think that'll happen either. I would totally vote for the guy who could chug more pudding. That's pretty much how I think all foreign policy should go. Think of all the problems that would be solved. I see peace in the middle east. It would be nice if Kentucky and Tennessee stopped all that fighting (I had to look at map for that joke...but I think you'll agree that it was totally worth it).
I'm off to eat my vegetables...AGAIN...it's, like, every day with these stupid carrots...
Enjoy!
-DJ
Faster thinking than a speeding bullet!
More powerful vocal chords than a locomotive!
Able to convince tall buildings that they can be leapt over in a single bound!
When you can't win an argument, there is only one hero to call. THE DEBATOR!
Ok, so that's a lame power to have. Whatever. I bring this up because the presidential debates are over and it's time to choose. I have noticed something, though. The candidates are kind of like little kids. If you have little kids or if you ever were a little kid, then you probably know what I'm talking about. They don't necessarily lie, but they exaggerate...A LOT. They take something and make sound HUGE.
Mom: Eat your vegetables.
Kid: But mooooooooom! You make me eat vegetables ALL THE TIME!
Mom: You didn't eat any yesterday.
Kid: Well, practically all the time. Enough so it SEEMS like all I ever eat are vegetables.
Heck, I still feel like that sometimes, but that's because I like to whine. What we need is a debate with a moderator who can say, "That's not entirely true. Why not just tell us about your plan instead of making up stuff about your opponent?" Then, if they ever stray from the question, they get a slap to the face.
That's what I'd like to see.
I'd also like to see them chug pudding, but I don't think that'll happen either. I would totally vote for the guy who could chug more pudding. That's pretty much how I think all foreign policy should go. Think of all the problems that would be solved. I see peace in the middle east. It would be nice if Kentucky and Tennessee stopped all that fighting (I had to look at map for that joke...but I think you'll agree that it was totally worth it).
I'm off to eat my vegetables...AGAIN...it's, like, every day with these stupid carrots...
Enjoy!
-DJ
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