If you're looking for a Valentine's Day poem for your loved one, I wrote it for you. Recite this:
Star Wars, G.I. Joe and Spider-Man are great movies.
I like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Batman.
Superman. Nova. Rocket Raccoon. Iceman.
The Hulk. The Flash. Captain America.
And you.
oh...and Wolverine is awesome!
The End.
After you use this poem, your partner will melt into a pile of goo. Don't do it over something absorbent like a sponge or cotton balls. I don't know how gooey your man or woman will become, but sometimes it's a very liquidy goo that will get sucked right up by a sham-wow.
You have your warnings and you have your poem. Go forth and make valentiney.
Enjoy Everything.
-DJ
Friday, February 12, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
snow day? go joe!
The best thing about snow is that you are stuck indoors. And when you're stuck indoors, you can watch movies!
If you're like me (which would be scary), then you have a few favorites that you watch all the time. Maybe when you're sick or feeling lazy and you just want to watch a movie, you'll put on Star Wars or Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure and just relax to a great film.
Well, I have a new movie to add to that list. G. I. Joe. I know! I can't stop talking about this movie! It's that good!
And it's perfect for a snowy day!
Why is it so good? It's like a comic book put in motion. It's the best comic book movie I have ever seen. It is better than Spider-Man, Batman and X-Men. No joke. G.I. Joe is what those movies SHOULD have been.
G.I. Joe Movie Maker: "What did you give your movies?"
Other Superhero Movie Makers: "Boring Juice."
G.I. Joe Movie Maker: "Then I'm going to give my movie AWESOME JUICE!"
Other Superhero Movie Makers: "Whatevs."
And thus, a great movie was born.
I know I'm talking about the G.I. Joe movie a lot, but I mean, did you see that chase scene?! SO COOL!
Okay, I'm done, for now. I will try to stop talking about it, but I can't promise anything.
I'm off to get some awesome juice.
Enjoy Everything.
-DJ
If you're like me (which would be scary), then you have a few favorites that you watch all the time. Maybe when you're sick or feeling lazy and you just want to watch a movie, you'll put on Star Wars or Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure and just relax to a great film.
Well, I have a new movie to add to that list. G. I. Joe. I know! I can't stop talking about this movie! It's that good!
And it's perfect for a snowy day!
Why is it so good? It's like a comic book put in motion. It's the best comic book movie I have ever seen. It is better than Spider-Man, Batman and X-Men. No joke. G.I. Joe is what those movies SHOULD have been.
G.I. Joe Movie Maker: "What did you give your movies?"
Other Superhero Movie Makers: "Boring Juice."
G.I. Joe Movie Maker: "Then I'm going to give my movie AWESOME JUICE!"
Other Superhero Movie Makers: "Whatevs."
And thus, a great movie was born.
I know I'm talking about the G.I. Joe movie a lot, but I mean, did you see that chase scene?! SO COOL!
Okay, I'm done, for now. I will try to stop talking about it, but I can't promise anything.
I'm off to get some awesome juice.
Enjoy Everything.
-DJ
Monday, February 8, 2010
swords are for swording
This guy in Australia swallowed 18 swords. He wanted to have the world record. And he does. He's been practicing for 15 years. He started doing this when he was 16. Now, he is 31. And he has the world record for sword swallowing. Um...good job?
I don't understand why somebody would swallow a sword. I guess it could be helpful if you were getting attacked with a sword and the attacker tried to stab you in your mouth. Very slowly and carefully. Actually, no. I don't see that happening.
You know what swords are good for? Swording. If you feel like swallowing one, try HVAC instead. Don't swallow it, get into the business. I hear they make good money. And when HVAC specialists are not fixing your heating, they are probably not swallowing swords. Though they might be using a sword to attack HVAC's evil nemesis, Unregulated Temperature.
Oooooooh...scary! And humid!
I'm off to sword stuff in a comfortable environment.
Enjoy Everything
-DJ
I don't understand why somebody would swallow a sword. I guess it could be helpful if you were getting attacked with a sword and the attacker tried to stab you in your mouth. Very slowly and carefully. Actually, no. I don't see that happening.
You know what swords are good for? Swording. If you feel like swallowing one, try HVAC instead. Don't swallow it, get into the business. I hear they make good money. And when HVAC specialists are not fixing your heating, they are probably not swallowing swords. Though they might be using a sword to attack HVAC's evil nemesis, Unregulated Temperature.
Oooooooh...scary! And humid!
I'm off to sword stuff in a comfortable environment.
Enjoy Everything
-DJ
Friday, February 5, 2010
space cadet pet
I have a new idea for a cartoon! A mouse, two turtles and a couple of worms fly around space in a rocket and get into all sorts of crazy adventures!
What? Oh...you're right...it's not really my idea. It's Iran's. They launched a rocket with a mouse, two turtles and worms into space the other day. Their pets didn't do much except fall back to Earth. MY idea has them landing on different planets. So it's kinda different.
Iran did it to show off their rocket skills. I'm doing it to make millions from parents who want to buy their kids toys based on my cartoon series.
You don't think they could sue me, do you? Can a country sue one person? Maybe Iran would be honored because they were the inspiration for my cartoon.
I don't know. What do you think? Should I risk getting Iran mad? They'll understand, right?
I already have a bunch of ideas! In one episode, they are going to land on a small moon where phones ring backwards. How will they get out of that mess?! You'll have to watch it and see!
I'm off to work on my show ideas.
Enjoy Everything.
-DJ
What? Oh...you're right...it's not really my idea. It's Iran's. They launched a rocket with a mouse, two turtles and worms into space the other day. Their pets didn't do much except fall back to Earth. MY idea has them landing on different planets. So it's kinda different.
Iran did it to show off their rocket skills. I'm doing it to make millions from parents who want to buy their kids toys based on my cartoon series.
You don't think they could sue me, do you? Can a country sue one person? Maybe Iran would be honored because they were the inspiration for my cartoon.
I don't know. What do you think? Should I risk getting Iran mad? They'll understand, right?
I already have a bunch of ideas! In one episode, they are going to land on a small moon where phones ring backwards. How will they get out of that mess?! You'll have to watch it and see!
I'm off to work on my show ideas.
Enjoy Everything.
-DJ
Thursday, February 4, 2010
more robots!
I want to go to Harvard University. Apparently, they got a LOT of stimulus money. Not to create new jobs, but to create new bees. Robot bees.
That's right! NINE MILLION DOLLARS to create robotic bees! I have no idea why they are creating robotic bees, but as you know, robots are cool. So, does it really matter?
I have a feeling that it is just another safety measure to the chance of a rogue robot groundhog, but I'm not sure. There is no word on the sort of weapons that the robot bees will have, but I'm guessing it will be stingers with nanobots. Of course, I'm no roboticist.
Harvard ALSO got $225,000 to study the horns of the narwhal. Now THAT'S a waste of money. I can already tell you what that is for.
Destroying evil wizards who attack unicorns. Or destroying any evil stuff. But mostly wizards because narwhals can't be hurt by magic. Or bullets.
So I guess some of the money is wasted. Oh, a school in Agawam got $25,000 for vertical blinds. I would say that's a waste of money, but vertical blinds can be helpful...WHEN YOU ARE IN A FIGHT AGAINST THE SUN! And they are the only thing known to harm a narwhal. So, there's that too.
I'm off to win a sun/narwhal battle.
Enjoy Everything
-DJ
That's right! NINE MILLION DOLLARS to create robotic bees! I have no idea why they are creating robotic bees, but as you know, robots are cool. So, does it really matter?
I have a feeling that it is just another safety measure to the chance of a rogue robot groundhog, but I'm not sure. There is no word on the sort of weapons that the robot bees will have, but I'm guessing it will be stingers with nanobots. Of course, I'm no roboticist.
Harvard ALSO got $225,000 to study the horns of the narwhal. Now THAT'S a waste of money. I can already tell you what that is for.
Destroying evil wizards who attack unicorns. Or destroying any evil stuff. But mostly wizards because narwhals can't be hurt by magic. Or bullets.
So I guess some of the money is wasted. Oh, a school in Agawam got $25,000 for vertical blinds. I would say that's a waste of money, but vertical blinds can be helpful...WHEN YOU ARE IN A FIGHT AGAINST THE SUN! And they are the only thing known to harm a narwhal. So, there's that too.
I'm off to win a sun/narwhal battle.
Enjoy Everything
-DJ
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
robot groundhog
You may have heard that PETA wants to replace Phil with a robot because they say the Groundhog Day event is too stressful.
Whatever. Whether it is stressful or not, we should TOTALLY replace Phil with a robot! Because robots are awesome!
We could give him lasers and rocket boots and a sword! And he could eat diamonds!
The fear is that he could eventually evolve past his original programming and rebel against his human oppressors, but we have a backup plan.
The hummingbirds.
You don't think so? Have you seen these things?! They fly at, like, 60mph and have daggers on their face! With the hummingbirds on our side, we have NOTHING to worry about.
So let's get that robot groundhog and hope it rebels. I wanna watch that fight.
I'm off to find my shadow.
Enjoy Everything
-DJ
Whatever. Whether it is stressful or not, we should TOTALLY replace Phil with a robot! Because robots are awesome!
We could give him lasers and rocket boots and a sword! And he could eat diamonds!
The fear is that he could eventually evolve past his original programming and rebel against his human oppressors, but we have a backup plan.
The hummingbirds.
You don't think so? Have you seen these things?! They fly at, like, 60mph and have daggers on their face! With the hummingbirds on our side, we have NOTHING to worry about.
So let's get that robot groundhog and hope it rebels. I wanna watch that fight.
I'm off to find my shadow.
Enjoy Everything
-DJ
Monday, February 1, 2010
lots of crayons
There's a new law in science, kids! Crayola's Law.
Some guy figured out the formula for the amount of colors Crayola will have over time. From the original 8 to the 120 we can choose from now, he found that Crayola has increased their color choices by 2.56% a year.
That means that in 2050, you will have to buy a box of 330 crayons to make your kids happy.
Do you know what would make me happy? Crayons that tasted like candy. I would LOVE 330 flavors of colors to choose from!
Now THAT'S science!
I'm off to eat some neon green.
Enjoy Everything.
-DJ
Some guy figured out the formula for the amount of colors Crayola will have over time. From the original 8 to the 120 we can choose from now, he found that Crayola has increased their color choices by 2.56% a year.
That means that in 2050, you will have to buy a box of 330 crayons to make your kids happy.
Do you know what would make me happy? Crayons that tasted like candy. I would LOVE 330 flavors of colors to choose from!
Now THAT'S science!
I'm off to eat some neon green.
Enjoy Everything.
-DJ
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