I've had this blue dot on my hand for years. I mean, I remember having it in elementary school. I don't know where I got it, but it has never gone away.
WELL! I've asked around, and people are telling me that it IS possible to tattoo yourself! One theory is that I must have inked myself at a very young age so deep that the skin grew over it and now I have a small tattoo on my hand.
What's that? You say I'm totally hardcore for giving myself a tattoo?
Yes. Yes, I am.
I think I did it when I was behind bars. Crib-style. I had to show my cabbage patch kid who was the boss.
Turned out he was the boss because he took WAY more abuse than I did. And I named him Michael Knight, so he's automatically tougher than I am.
THEORY TWO! Turns out they sometimes give a small tattoo to twins. Well, one of the twins. So you know which is which. Could I have a twin? And not just a twin, but I'm the imperfect one that was dotted!
Where is this perfect version of me? Is he or she a ninja? A movie star? A vampire?
I've been told I look like a Flynn Rider. Is that my twin?! Is that who I'm supposed to be?! Why can't I be Flynn Rider?!
Okay...so maybe Flynn Rider is a stretch, but a 9-year-old girl thinks I look like him, so I'll believe her.
I'm off to find a third theory.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Friday, January 27, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
i wanna golf like it's 1899
I was reading a book. I know, pretty rad. But, while reading said book, I came across a word that made my toes tingle with excitement.
Mashie Niblick.
Okay, so it's kinda like two words, but still, you feel the tingle.
The mashie niblick is a golf club! I know! How awesome is that! Golf clubs used to have SUPER FUN NAMES! I guess the game wasn't boring enough, so they stopped using cool names and decided to call all of them woods and irons.
But did you know that there used to be a Brassie?! YEAH! You might even hit something with a Spoon! Maybe take a few shots with a Jigger!
Okay, that last sentence sounds more like a night at a bar, but isn't that how golf usually ends (OOOOOOH! GOLF ZINGER!)
It would be sooooo much more fun listening to the announcers, too.
"Well Berthold, it looks like he's going to play with his Cleek here."
" Yes Shelby, but it would probably be better if he used his Mashie."
"Really Berthold. That's the club you would use. REALLY?! Why don't you just suggest his Baffing Spoon! That would make just as much sense! ...mashie...I work with a bunch of niblicks..."
"..."
WOAH! Those old-time golf announcers are mean! But way more fun!
I'm off to play with my Mashie Niblick.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Mashie Niblick.
Okay, so it's kinda like two words, but still, you feel the tingle.
The mashie niblick is a golf club! I know! How awesome is that! Golf clubs used to have SUPER FUN NAMES! I guess the game wasn't boring enough, so they stopped using cool names and decided to call all of them woods and irons.
But did you know that there used to be a Brassie?! YEAH! You might even hit something with a Spoon! Maybe take a few shots with a Jigger!
Okay, that last sentence sounds more like a night at a bar, but isn't that how golf usually ends (OOOOOOH! GOLF ZINGER!)
It would be sooooo much more fun listening to the announcers, too.
"Well Berthold, it looks like he's going to play with his Cleek here."
" Yes Shelby, but it would probably be better if he used his Mashie."
"Really Berthold. That's the club you would use. REALLY?! Why don't you just suggest his Baffing Spoon! That would make just as much sense! ...mashie...I work with a bunch of niblicks..."
"..."
WOAH! Those old-time golf announcers are mean! But way more fun!
I'm off to play with my Mashie Niblick.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
solar storms are coming again
SO PANIC!
Or don't. You don't really have to. It might only disturb the Earth's magnetic field for a little while. If you get home from work and all your magnets from your fridge fell off, you now know why.
I hope you don't magnet anything valuable on your fridge like family heirlooms or babies. Or, if you do, maybe put them on display somewhere else for a day or two. Just to be safe. Until the solar storms stop.
Or, if you have mutant powers of magnetism, like Magneto, you might not be able to do much. I wouldn't try to throw any trains around or anything. It might end up falling on you. And that's REALLY uncomfortable.
This coronal mass ejection is actually coming at us pretty fast. 4 MILLION miles an hour.
I once got my car to go that fast. But only once. It cost too much to keep replacing the tires.
Does it rain sunshine during solar storms? I bet that would be pretty! Little golden drops of sun would land on your head and make a golden rainbow!
Oh...wait...the sun is really hot. It's, like, hotter than steamed milk. And steamed milk is pretty hot. And something hotter than THAT might actually burn you.
Hmmm...maybe this solar storm isn't really that fun. Maybe I should run and panic and hide in a metal shelter.
Nah. I wanna see sunshine rain from the sky!
I'm off to catch some sun drops on my tongue.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Or don't. You don't really have to. It might only disturb the Earth's magnetic field for a little while. If you get home from work and all your magnets from your fridge fell off, you now know why.
I hope you don't magnet anything valuable on your fridge like family heirlooms or babies. Or, if you do, maybe put them on display somewhere else for a day or two. Just to be safe. Until the solar storms stop.
Or, if you have mutant powers of magnetism, like Magneto, you might not be able to do much. I wouldn't try to throw any trains around or anything. It might end up falling on you. And that's REALLY uncomfortable.
This coronal mass ejection is actually coming at us pretty fast. 4 MILLION miles an hour.
I once got my car to go that fast. But only once. It cost too much to keep replacing the tires.
Does it rain sunshine during solar storms? I bet that would be pretty! Little golden drops of sun would land on your head and make a golden rainbow!
Oh...wait...the sun is really hot. It's, like, hotter than steamed milk. And steamed milk is pretty hot. And something hotter than THAT might actually burn you.
Hmmm...maybe this solar storm isn't really that fun. Maybe I should run and panic and hide in a metal shelter.
Nah. I wanna see sunshine rain from the sky!
I'm off to catch some sun drops on my tongue.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Monday, January 23, 2012
mittens, mittens everywhere
My faith in humanity has been restored!
I was driving to work with my mittens on. Then, the heat started working, so I took them off and put them on my lap.
THEN! I got to work, forget that they were on my lap and I guess they fell onto the ground.
When I got out of work, guess what I saw next to my car...
MY MITTENS!
Nobody stole them! How amazing is that?! I even had a car next to me. That person could have seen my mittens and just taken them and kept their hands warm forever.
But they didn't! Because they love me!
I'm sure they love you, too. I bet they wouldn't steal your mittens, either.
Mittens Romney probably gets mittens for free since that's his name.
Speaking of presidential names. Well, Mittens isn't president yet, but he's trying! Did you know the president of Nigeria has a fun name? It's Goodluck Jonathan!
I wish they would work together for a bill or law or something. Like, the "Goodluck Mittens Accord."
That would be the most ADORABLE accord ever! I LOVE IT! Maybe use a picture of a kitten on it!
Kittens wearing mittens are so cute. I'd say that's tied for 3rd on my "Most Cutest Things Ever" list.
I'm off to wear my mittens.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
I was driving to work with my mittens on. Then, the heat started working, so I took them off and put them on my lap.
THEN! I got to work, forget that they were on my lap and I guess they fell onto the ground.
When I got out of work, guess what I saw next to my car...
MY MITTENS!
Nobody stole them! How amazing is that?! I even had a car next to me. That person could have seen my mittens and just taken them and kept their hands warm forever.
But they didn't! Because they love me!
I'm sure they love you, too. I bet they wouldn't steal your mittens, either.
Mittens Romney probably gets mittens for free since that's his name.
Speaking of presidential names. Well, Mittens isn't president yet, but he's trying! Did you know the president of Nigeria has a fun name? It's Goodluck Jonathan!
I wish they would work together for a bill or law or something. Like, the "Goodluck Mittens Accord."
That would be the most ADORABLE accord ever! I LOVE IT! Maybe use a picture of a kitten on it!
Kittens wearing mittens are so cute. I'd say that's tied for 3rd on my "Most Cutest Things Ever" list.
I'm off to wear my mittens.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Friday, January 20, 2012
science should know by now that this is a bad idea
What are they thinking?! Scientists have created "supersoldier" ants with HUGE HEADS! They figured out what genes to "mess around" with to give ants GIANT MANDIBLES!
REALLY?! Haven't these people watched ANY science FACT movies from the 50's! YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER!
I once saw a movie with giant grasshoppers. Do you know what happened. PEOPLE GOT HURT! They climbed buildings!
Do we REALLY want giant ants?! They lift 50 times their own weight. Do you know how much that is when an ant is bigger than you? I can tell you. IT'S A LOT!
Luckily, I have a backup plan. It involves gophers, hedgehogs and clip-on ties.
But we can avoid all this with one simple idea: Stop making giant ants.
INSTEAD! Let's make giant Hershey Kisses. I know what you're thinking, "They already make giant Hershey Kisses."
No. They don't. Those are kinda big Hershey Kisses. Bigger than the ones in the bag. But not GIANT. When I say giant, I MEAN GIANT! Like, as big as Australia! THAT is giant!
This way, we won't get eaten by giant ants. And we get chocolate.
I say that's a win-win. And two wins are better than a mandible crushing your head. Trust me, I know.
I'm off to talk with the hedgehogs.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
REALLY?! Haven't these people watched ANY science FACT movies from the 50's! YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER!
I once saw a movie with giant grasshoppers. Do you know what happened. PEOPLE GOT HURT! They climbed buildings!
Do we REALLY want giant ants?! They lift 50 times their own weight. Do you know how much that is when an ant is bigger than you? I can tell you. IT'S A LOT!
Luckily, I have a backup plan. It involves gophers, hedgehogs and clip-on ties.
But we can avoid all this with one simple idea: Stop making giant ants.
INSTEAD! Let's make giant Hershey Kisses. I know what you're thinking, "They already make giant Hershey Kisses."
No. They don't. Those are kinda big Hershey Kisses. Bigger than the ones in the bag. But not GIANT. When I say giant, I MEAN GIANT! Like, as big as Australia! THAT is giant!
This way, we won't get eaten by giant ants. And we get chocolate.
I say that's a win-win. And two wins are better than a mandible crushing your head. Trust me, I know.
I'm off to talk with the hedgehogs.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Thursday, January 19, 2012
the mug conspiracy
Hi. How are you. What's that? Oh my mug? With the dragon? Yeah. I know. It's totes awesome. No bigs. Just sippin' some tea.
How do you get one? Oh, you know...YOU JUST HAVE TO USE MAGIC TO ENSCORCEL A DRAGON AND TRAP IT'S SOUL IN A MUG! That's all.
Yes, I have an amazingly huge mug with a dragon on it. It's so sweet.
I have this mug problem, so when I find a large mug with a large bottom, I get excited.
See...I notice the "average" mug is pretty small. It's, like, just big enough for 8 oz. of liquid. So when it comes to STIRRING that liquid, it just splashes everywhere! I'm NOT a dainty stirererer! I like my beverages well mixed!
ALSO! Why do a lot of mugs get smaller at the bottom? Cups too! Do you drink coffee or tea or anything in a mug near an electronic device? Wouldn't you want a large-bottomed mug next to it so it would be harder to tip? Maybe even a weighted bottom! The mug might wobble, but it won't fall down!
So finding a big, large-bottomed mug is hard. But it can be done! So don't just take what the mug companies give you! Fight back and only buy big mugs and let your voice be heard!
Occupy Mugs! Larger mugs mean larger hugs!
Stand tall like a mug with me!
I can also fight back with my ensorcelling. Though, that usually only works on dragons.
Unless dragons control the mug industry! Now THAT would explain a lot!
I'm off to sip my mug.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
How do you get one? Oh, you know...YOU JUST HAVE TO USE MAGIC TO ENSCORCEL A DRAGON AND TRAP IT'S SOUL IN A MUG! That's all.
Yes, I have an amazingly huge mug with a dragon on it. It's so sweet.
I have this mug problem, so when I find a large mug with a large bottom, I get excited.
See...I notice the "average" mug is pretty small. It's, like, just big enough for 8 oz. of liquid. So when it comes to STIRRING that liquid, it just splashes everywhere! I'm NOT a dainty stirererer! I like my beverages well mixed!
ALSO! Why do a lot of mugs get smaller at the bottom? Cups too! Do you drink coffee or tea or anything in a mug near an electronic device? Wouldn't you want a large-bottomed mug next to it so it would be harder to tip? Maybe even a weighted bottom! The mug might wobble, but it won't fall down!
So finding a big, large-bottomed mug is hard. But it can be done! So don't just take what the mug companies give you! Fight back and only buy big mugs and let your voice be heard!
Occupy Mugs! Larger mugs mean larger hugs!
Stand tall like a mug with me!
I can also fight back with my ensorcelling. Though, that usually only works on dragons.
Unless dragons control the mug industry! Now THAT would explain a lot!
I'm off to sip my mug.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
it's a cookie in a jar
Oh! Em! Gee! Have you ever had Biscoff spread? YOU HAVEN'T! You NEED to try this!
So, this Austrian company makes these cookies called "speculoos." One day, somebody said, "Wouldn't it be great if you could just make this fantastically tastalicious cookie into a creamy spread?!"
Half the people who heard that statement fell over. The other half screamed in excitement. 17 people walking by the building discovered the meaning of life. Two people actually learned how to fly by using pure thought energy. And 26 babies were born. They're nothing special, JUST THE MIRACLE OF LIFE!
After learning the secrets of Shangri-La and the garden of the Hesperides, they were able to magically turn speculoos into a spread!
Or a butter. I don't know how to describe it. It's like peanut butter. But peanut butter isn't really like cow butter. So...you know...it's creamy...and yummy...and butteryish?
NOW! Through the magic of science and...well...magic...YOU TOO can spread a cookie onto anything you want and not get that crumbly side-effect!
It tastes kinda like a cinnamon graham cracker. That you spread. ON EVERYTHING!
You should buy some speculoo spread. Miracles will happen. Sure it depends on your definition of "miracle," but mine includes that feeling of sparkles in your tummy. And that happens every time I eat Biscoff spread.
I'm off to speculoo.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
So, this Austrian company makes these cookies called "speculoos." One day, somebody said, "Wouldn't it be great if you could just make this fantastically tastalicious cookie into a creamy spread?!"
Half the people who heard that statement fell over. The other half screamed in excitement. 17 people walking by the building discovered the meaning of life. Two people actually learned how to fly by using pure thought energy. And 26 babies were born. They're nothing special, JUST THE MIRACLE OF LIFE!
After learning the secrets of Shangri-La and the garden of the Hesperides, they were able to magically turn speculoos into a spread!
Or a butter. I don't know how to describe it. It's like peanut butter. But peanut butter isn't really like cow butter. So...you know...it's creamy...and yummy...and butteryish?
NOW! Through the magic of science and...well...magic...YOU TOO can spread a cookie onto anything you want and not get that crumbly side-effect!
It tastes kinda like a cinnamon graham cracker. That you spread. ON EVERYTHING!
You should buy some speculoo spread. Miracles will happen. Sure it depends on your definition of "miracle," but mine includes that feeling of sparkles in your tummy. And that happens every time I eat Biscoff spread.
I'm off to speculoo.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
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