rabbi understudy

Somebody in my family is getting married. It's all pretty exciting. Mostly because I could be part of the show!

If, for some reason, the Rabbi gets sick, I get to officiate the wedding. That's right! I'm in charge!

Apparently, Massachusetts will officiate you any time you want. It's temporary, but I could do, like, 100 weddings in a 24-hour period!

How cool would that be?! I would keep it short and sweet.

"Hello. You two are now married. Kiss now and be excellent to each other."

Done! Off to the food and presents!

The officiator gets presents, right?

They better. I already registered on Amazon. It's all comic book stuff.

I'll take gift cards, too.

I'm off to practice my officiating.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

don't change a thing

A new study says that our personalities don't change from age 6 all the way through adulthood.

So if you wanted to change, I guess you can't. They followed 2,400 kids from Hawaii for 40 years.

I wish I was in Hawaii. Why didn't my parents get me into that study? We could have moved to Hawaii. And I could have become a surfer.

Do you ever wonder that maybe you were meant to be a prodigy at something, but you never got the chance to try it so you never found out that you could be so good at it?

I often wonder about that and my surfing career. Maybe that's what I was meant to do. I could have been a surfing star!

Probably not, though. Since I'm not much of a beach fan. I think surfers have to go to the beach.

I could carry the board, though. That would look cool.

I could have been a success at trying to look cool. If only I knew that at age 6.

Is it too late to change my personality? NOPE! Because I'ma gonna buy me a surf board!

I'm off to find a surfin' safari.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

fish smuggler

I don't know what would compel somebody to do this, but some guy was smuggling piranhas and stingrays. He was supposed to go to court today, but he disappeared.

Possibly because of an attack by piranhas and stingrays.

Who smuggles that?! Why not smuggle something soft and fluffy?! Like cotton candy! Or maybe you could smuggle pillows!

Is there a big market for piranhas and stingrays? Do people come up to you on the street wondering if you happen to have a stingray you'd be willing to part with?

Okay, so I've been asked that a few times, but that's the kind of crowd I hang with. Because I hang with a crowd that lives underwater.

And Aquaman. He's my friend, too. We hang out and play pool.

Heh...I never understood why he laughed every time we played pool until just now. I finally get the joke Aquaman! Very funny.

I'm off to smuggle a fish.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

hot nasa

The International Space Station is hot! The air conditioning is on the fritz. Uh oh!

Little known fact: I considered becoming an air conditioning repair guy for NASA when I was younger. It's true! Unfortunately, that required way too much work. Now I do this. Yeah...

NASA is going to send the folks on the ISS out for a spacewalk to fix the AC.

NASA said it's like "repairing your car with all of your ski clothes on, as well as your gloves, while you are on a pair of roller skates, on top of a mountain of ice, with billy goats biting your knees, during a sandstorm, with a hundred ninjas hitting you with sticks, while fighting the Hulk, while in the jungle, trying to climb a rope with butter on it."

Okay, so they didn't say ALL of that, but I'm not going to tell you where they stopped and where I started. I just said what they were thinking.

I'm off to fix my condenser coil.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

shark week again

Shark Week is happening again. That's cool. People seem to like that. They've been doing it for over 20 years.

Sharks are cool. They have lots of teeth. Which is good if you like gum.

There should be a Unicorn Week! Now THAT would be cool! You could put me in a cage and drop me into Pink Fairyland so I could observe the unicorn in its natural habitat!

I know the dangers. Glitter storms. Lightning sand. Gummy swamps.

But it does not matter! I WILL succeed!

For Unicorn Week! And Beyond!

I'm off to pack my bags.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

snail races

England has snail races.

So...there you go. Yep. They race snails. Because it's fun...I guess...

They have to go 13 inches. Why 13? Because any longer and people would fall asleep.

Sidney, this year's winner, did the course in a speedy 3 minutes and 41 seconds.

That almost seems too fast, but Sidney was tested for "speed enhancers" and was found clean. He's just a fast snail.

It would be cool if snails had, like, a jet engine in their shell. And a laser gun. OH! And missiles!

The shell could open up into a whole battle station! On their back!

If they could use all those things in the snail race, THAT would be pretty hard core! Like Snail Death Race 5000!

But it's not. So...there you go. Snail races.

I'm off to trick out my snail.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ

leg window

Did you ever get into a hot car and just open all the doors to air it out a little? Isn't that breeze against your legs nice?

It is! So why don't we have leg windows? Just a little window that opens up around the knee area? Crack those open in the front of the car and feel the breeze!

Sure, there might be more rocks blowing into the car, but whatever. I can deal with a few bruises when I have that extra breeze!

And sure, at a stop sign, a small mammal might crawl into your car. But again, there is a comforting breeze! And who wouldn't want a friendly lemur or armadillo or anteater to come along for a ride?

Good idea, right? I'm pretty sure I'm a genius and should probably get tons of money for this idea.

Pretty sure.

I'm off to breeze my knees.

Enjoy Everything.

-DJ